Things We Never Said [Open]

[morphitudinous]

Billy could see it clearly in his mind's eye:

Billy, Cassie, and Jamie would be wielding the new and improved Slop Immobilizer Gun, wearing their brand new non-stick safety uniforms, and presenting the project with triumphant smiles on their faces. They finally built something that wouldn't stick when it wasn't meant to. With that great weapon, they could trap their opponents non-lethally and be considered heroes for finding a use for the almost universally loathed slop.

It was now a scene that would never come to pass. Oh, Billy was still there, and Jamie was, and the gun was, and of course the slop would never ever go away, much to their dismay, but nothing remained of Cassie Lang but their memories.

Their partner, their friend. Dead. Billy thought back on all he knew of her: her family life, developing as a hero, her friends, her spirit, her contributions. All of that culminating in one of the better people he'd known, never to be seen again. Never to be thanked for all she'd done, and even he saw this. Comparatively he hadn't known her extremely well, but she was one of his own. Like B5 had been.

It was that thought that drove Billy into another version of the attack simulation, wielding the gun from his fantasy once more. He'd thought he was going to call Jamie and Cassie for the victory after the crisis, but he would now be running the test alone. Soon enough, the moving targets were in place and the first shots were fired.

Blam. Blam. This time, it worked exactly as intended, but there was no joy left in Billy's heart to celebrate. Instead, he found himself lowering his gun arm and starting to cry.

"Cassie..."

((Open because he'll be mourning here for a little while, even knowing that everyone knows where he is. Renne's last chronologically for now, but I'll work out some semblance of chronology at the end. I don't wanna leave anyone out.))

Comments

[lackofdarkwings.livejournal.com]

"Hey," said Matt as he walked into the room, hands in his pockets. His face was shadowed, possibly from his hair but there was literally a shadow draped across it. The young councilor hadn't shown anything beyond his lips for a day or two now.

"How are you feeling?"

A loaded question yes, but Matt had come for a reason, having felt helpless to do anything about what happened.

[morphitudinous]

And Matt the healer had arrived. Not that anything could heal this, but it would still be rude to turn away.

"As though nothing is as it should be anymore. Sick, disbelieving, desperate, guilty."

Fortunately for him, it was still early enough that he could hold things inside a little longer. His voice was a little watery, but still clearly intelligible. Billy's concessions to his pain were to keep his back turned and head bowed.

"What about you?"

[lackofdarkwings.livejournal.com]

"Sick, disbelieving, desperate, guilty... of being unable to stop Shiva," finished Matt. There was a clear metallic ring to his voice, a note that Quintessence had crept into it, accompanying the smell of ozone in the lab.

"I was right there Billy. I could have taken the shot. My magic doesn't harm unless I want it to, I could have blasted him, saved Kawalsky, saved everyone, saved..." Matt's fist clenched and he slammed it into the wall angrily, a snap and discharge of electrical life energy erupting from it and arching back to be absorbed into his other hand.

"I'm sorry... Billy... I didn't take the shot."

[neverwastenaya.livejournal.com]

Tenaya watched Billy, mostly in silence. She knew this was the time when they could afford to grieve, and she was trying to do her hardest to respect that. After all, hadn't she been just as devastated when her brother had gone comatose saving her life?

"Hey," she called out, softly.

[morphitudinous]

Now it was Tenaya's turn.

He scrubbed at his eyes furiously, eventually turning around with a bowed head.

"Hey," he answered back, trying to downplay what he felt. "Did you pull through all right?"

[neverwastenaya.livejournal.com]

"All things considered," Tenaya said. She really didn't want to say that she'd come out of it perfectly fine, not under these circumstances.

"I'm sorry," she said finally. "Were you friends?"

[wheresmysuit.livejournal.com]

Nate stepped into the Sensorium, decked out in full armor, his gauntlets were already glowing. Chesplate pulsing in a bright, angry blue. Fists clenched, his eyes were on the ground as he walked in. And then he heard it. Someone was crying. Looking up, his eyes quickly found the other teenager occupying the room. He knew Billy of course. Everyone knew Billy.

They'd met briefly awhile back. But Nate simply wasn't in the mood right now. He could see the boy was hurting over something. But what could he have been through that topped losing the one person who grounded you? Who kept you sane? A headache was coming on. They were getting more frequent lately, and worse. He'd have to get a scan. But that wasn't the point. He'd find a new unit. He just needed...to be alone now.

Turning to leave, that was when he heard that half-whispered name. He froze, his feet rooted to the floor. Cassie. And there it was. The sudden, terrible pain in his chest, like a gaping hole where there hadn't been one before. How was it possible to hurt so much? Squeezing his eyes shut, he fought the tears, his fists clenching hard. Why did it have to be her? Why Cassie? His Cassie.

Turning again, he took a step forward, laying an armored hand on Billy's shoulder wordlessly. What was there to say really. Cassie had touched more lives on this ship than he knew. Who was he to be selfish in his grief?

[morphitudinous]

Billy started. He'd already been found, but each time he had to explain himself anew. Had to worry about who the person was and what judgment they might be making.

This time it was Nate. He'd been very close to Cassie, he knew. Undoubtedly, any pain Billy felt was a molehill next to Nate's mountain. And he could almost sense that.

Taking a deep breath to clear his voice, he turned his head to Nate. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Another Death in the Family

[bluebrassmonkey.livejournal.com]

Renne hadn't known much about whoever or whatever Shiva was.

Is. Was. Whatever.

The little he had known had been enough to rankle -- claiming to be some kind of god. And then that detonation device, stinking literally with magic. Stinking with something too foul for nature to let him touch without a reaction. And there had indeed been enough of a reaction.
Food had been out of the question. and quite honestly, he had looked very, very nastily green once that thing had been deactivated.

That had been a few hours ago. The worst of things had passed but he knew he'd still be moving like a drunkard with a serious hangover for a while...

...and the pain had come then full force. Pain that shouldn't 'be'.

Keeping his innards under tight control, the little oddity races down the halls and to the Sensoriums. Magic filth or no magic filth, the mother hen instinct in him is going off like a thousand alarms.

"Bee?"

[morphitudinous]

Billy had known he'd have to respond to that particular call sooner or later. He drops the gun he'd picked back up and kneels on the spot, still feeling weary and upset.

"i lost one of my department members again. And this one was a friend," he offered as an explanation.

[bluebrassmonkey.livejournal.com]

There are definitely questions in his eyes -- Who, how, what happened?

He doesn't voice them however. Quietly, the oddity extends both arms in an invitation. He doesn't say either, that there are times when he's glad he still keeps most life-forms at arm's length away but Logic has a way of maintaining its distance.

(Being vague, since I wouldn't want to say what tier shadow it is. My guess is a tier 3 is that okay

[hack-rat.livejournal.com]

Alex had been wandering the ship. He carried his laptop, the cord between it and the power core dragging behind him, disconnected from the laptop itself. He had tried working on that program for the umbrella girl, since Mao stole the original, but he just couldn't get into it. Not in his room at least. It was too quiet, too impersonal there.

So he had taken to searching for a place elsewhere in the ship, feeling guilty about feeling so upset about a girl he didn't even know. Her friends were the ones who deserved to mourn her, not him. Still, her death reminded him that this wasn't just some game or some dream. As much as the logic in his mind hated it, it was real. The risks were real. The people were real. The death was real.

And the emotions it caused others were very, very real.

Alex found himself in a sensorium room with Billy. Though Billy was cloaked in a shadow Alex was actually afraid to approach. It seemed like there were shadows everywhere on the ship now. While that meant he had more than enough food, it also meant that there were some people with shadows attached to them that might strike out at him. There were shadows he couldn't even concider eating.

Not that he would eat Billy's. This sort of thing was something that needed to be worked through, not forced away.

Of course, it made Alex feel useless once again. "I-I'm sorry." He kept his eyes downcast, his blond hair covering his face. It wasn't entirely clear why he was apologizing, but there were plenty of reasons that could be guessed at, and most would likely be right to a degree.

((OOC: If you e-mail me x.-loveatfirstbite-.x@hotmail.com I'm answering pretty quickly. Also, I'll have internet for the weekend. Internet at college should be fixed by the end of next week.))

(3 is fine)

[morphitudinous]

And there was Alex, someone he had seen mainly on the comm networks. He almost sounded afraid, and that caused Billy to respond as gently as he could.

"Thanks, but you really helped us immensely. Without your quick work, we would have sustained more casualties. I'm glad you were with us. This? One of the casualties was a friend. I just need some time."

Re: (3 is fine)

[hack-rat.livejournal.com]

Alex nodded. He really wanted to go over to Billy, to put his hand on his shoulder, but he was fairly certain that the shadow would prevent him from getting too close. It was more concerned about not getting eaten, and Alex comforting Billy would also push against it's survival.

He swallowed and bit his lip- which looked like it had been getting bitten quite a bit- and said, "Y-yeah... I'm s-still sorry. I jus'... I wish there was more I c-could do."

[drowpaladin.livejournal.com]

Maydril was almost painfully aware of the recent goings-on with Shiva, though she had not had anything to do with them. Regret was a bitter pill to swallow.

Originally she had come to the Sensoriums to try to take her mind off of the events with a bit of training, but she had not been paying proper attention and had walked into a session in progress. Though it was fairly clear the current occupant had no real interest in continuing.

The half-drow reached out a gauntleted hand to gently touch his shoulder.

"Konna sanmel ras'sha, Billy?" she asked.

[Translated from the romance tongue: "Are you all right?"]

[morphitudinous]

This time, Billy vaguely heard a phrase in another language followed by his name. Spoken by someone he didn't know, as it turned out, but he supposed his job made him famous enough.

The most eloquent reply he could manage was "..I'm sorry, I don't speak your language."

[drowpaladin.livejournal.com]

Her cheeks darkened a little. She ducked her head, and repeated herself. "I asked if you were all right. I have no explanation for why you heard me that way. I do not have a good grasp of science, yet," she admitted.

"I suppose that was not the most intelligent question for me to ask, either. Of course you are not, but it was...rhetorical?"

Maydril shook her head, and squeezed his shoulder again, gently. "I grieve your loss, Billy."

[bonnypiperlad]

It's probably no surprise to anyone that Jamie turns up. Even if he hadn't been actively looking for Billy, he would have come here anyway to remember Cassie. They were just here, covered in altered slop and cemented to the ground. And now Cassie was gone.

He stops just inside the doorway, reluctant to disturb Billy while he's testing out the weapon. But when it's lowered and he hears Cassie's name, he walks up and lays a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Aye," he says softly. "She should be here to see this."

[morphitudinous]

Deja vu strikes again. Funny how Jamie was always there when he was mourning a death, wasn't it?

Last time, though, it hadn't been quite as personal. And they hadn't quite been friends yet.

So it's without too much thought that he places a hand on Jamie's shoulder too, still trying to pull himself together. "Or to do other things with us---not just building and experimenting. Living."

The usual thought process will need a few moments to get around his emotions and kick in.

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

It was just like being at home, almost. A crewmember lost, a friend lost, and the ship kept on flying. A mission at hand. Not much had changed in a month, and yet everything had. Death and betrayal within the crew. Kaylee was used to that, should be used to that. The lack of gunshot wound this round didn't make it any less painful.

She slipped quietly into the room, watching Billy calmly until her heart felt like it would break. She was by his side then, as quickly as she could be, hugging him close and tight and as protective and loving as she could manage.

"It's gonna hurt, bao bei, so you just go on and cry all you need to, alright?"

[morphitudinous]

The sudden tightening of arms around Billy prompted him to drop the gun, fortunately not near anyone's feet.

He wanted to look at Kaylee and tell her that he was all right, really, that he'd be better soon, but it wasn't happening today and they both knew it. Kaylee was offering him a chance to be not-okay without restraint, and before he could think further about this it had already started.

"There's so much we never did," he whispered, clutching at her for security as the sobs began.

[kaya-waterwave.livejournal.com]

Katara had heard. She had seen the comms, she'd heard people talking, and more and more, that feeling of helplessness in the face of evil had been on her mind. The talk of the Yeerk had been more than enough to bring unpleasant memories of the very first actual fight she'd been a part of.

And then there was the deaths. That was the thing that sent Katara back into herself, clenching her shoulders and putting a hand over her mouth. She had taken the multitude of feelings and simply left where she'd previously been in the Obs deck. In an hour she would see Leon's message and make a run for the medical bay, but for now she wanted not to be HERE, in a place where she felt the loss of someone dear to the ship.

And so she found herself in the medical bay and saw Billy in distress. She didn't stop to think here: she made an immediate beeline to her friend and hugged him.

"I just heard," she said softly. "Did you know her?"

[morphitudinous]

Billy answered with a nod against Katara's shoulder, briefly clinging to her.

"She was a colleague and becoming a good friend. I'd been hoping to get to know her even better, and I would have. I'd been thinking of things we could do together shortly before she died."

He looked at Katara. "And what about you? Were you hurt? Are they running you into the ground?"

[hero-sting.livejournal.com]

Chris knew that Billy would be here. He knew once he found out who died in the explosion that he wanted to help out his hurt friend, regardless as to what he was feeling. Duty before his feelings, as it usually was, but he couldn't waste time feeling sorry for himself now. There was always later for that.

"... Billy." His voice barely above a whisper. "How are you dealing with it?"

[morphitudinous]

Billy turned to answer Chris, his eyes still slightly red from past crying jags.

"For a first day, this may not be terrible. I feel as though my heart's been ripped in half, but in time pain dulls." A pause while he wiped his face once more to be sure no tears were left.

"I'll likely need grief counseling to return to some semblance of normalcy. I just...I know she's dead, but it hasn't been accepted yet."