trans_9 | Things We Never Said [Open]

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Things We Never Said [Open]

Billy could see it clearly in his mind's eye:

Billy, Cassie, and Jamie would be wielding the new and improved Slop Immobilizer Gun, wearing their brand new non-stick safety uniforms, and presenting the project with triumphant smiles on their faces. They finally built something that wouldn't stick when it wasn't meant to. With that great weapon, they could trap their opponents non-lethally and be considered heroes for finding a use for the almost universally loathed slop.

It was now a scene that would never come to pass. Oh, Billy was still there, and Jamie was, and the gun was, and of course the slop would never ever go away, much to their dismay, but nothing remained of Cassie Lang but their memories.

Their partner, their friend. Dead. Billy thought back on all he knew of her: her family life, developing as a hero, her friends, her spirit, her contributions. All of that culminating in one of the better people he'd known, never to be seen again. Never to be thanked for all she'd done, and even he saw this. Comparatively he hadn't known her extremely well, but she was one of his own. Like B5 had been.

It was that thought that drove Billy into another version of the attack simulation, wielding the gun from his fantasy once more. He'd thought he was going to call Jamie and Cassie for the victory after the crisis, but he would now be running the test alone. Soon enough, the moving targets were in place and the first shots were fired.

Blam. Blam. This time, it worked exactly as intended, but there was no joy left in Billy's heart to celebrate. Instead, he found himself lowering his gun arm and starting to cry.

"Cassie..."

((Open because he'll be mourning here for a little while, even knowing that everyone knows where he is. Renne's last chronologically for now, but I'll work out some semblance of chronology at the end. I don't wanna leave anyone out.))

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Alex nodded, "Y-yeah, and there are d-different levels, c-called tiers, that we use ta rate how strong a shadow is... An' ones that are stronger than me, well, sometimes they attack if I get too c-close... I g-gotta sound crazy..." And he hadn't even gotten into the manipulation of shadows yet. Alex closed his eyes, sort of wishing that someone else could see them on the ship. Just one other person. Maybe he would sound less crazy then, because he was certain Billy didn't quite believe him.

He felt a sort of rising dread, and then if felt as if one of his tendrils was leaping across to Billy, but there was nothing there. Until Billy blinked. Then he could see a light haze of another shadow across Billy's eyes alone. He knew something new was going on, though as to what exactly was he figured he couldn't be certain immediately.

He wouldn't be able to tell that Billy would be able to see the shadow that is attached to him until Billy said something. The tier 4 that always haunted him was further swollen by the grief over the deaths and the guilt for being so affected, and the anxiety that he can't do anything to make the ship feel better. Of course, it would be hard for even Mikel to figure out any of those details, and Mikel was practically an expert at it, unlike Alex or Billy.

Billy had heard stranger things. It wasn't all that unbelievable, and it would certainly explain why the other boy seemed so scared all the time.

He blinked. And suddenly, he knew. "Alex?"

"I see your shadow, and I'm not referring to the one caused by the lighting in the room. It's exactly as you described." Billy was awestruck, fascinated, and slightly worried about Alex. This was just a piece of what the hacker dealt with every day.

Alex made eye contact briefly, having been puzzling over the shadow in Billy's eyes, but if he was seeing what Alex was used to seeing, then it was simple to figure out that the feeling of being connected with Billy was him sharing his ability to see shadows.

It just clicked with him, how to do it. The same thing had happened with all his other powers. It was convenient, or even life-saving, and it just naturally happened. Then from there he would just know how to get it to work again, for the most part.

Realizing that Billy was seeing his shadow, which was a particularly large, particularly dark, particularly menacing shadow, Alex severed the connection and could feel his power shoot back to him. "I-I'm sorry... I... I didn' mean... It w-was an accident..." He looked a little scared, like he expected reproach for the slip.

"Don't worry about it," Billy assured, not wanting to add more negative emotions and further scare Alex. "I now know what's going on, and it didn't hurt me. I just wish there was more I could do for you, other than working through my emotions to reduce the shadow's strength."

Alex smiled weakly, going to scratch at the back of his head again, but finding Alice and petting her instead. "Don' rush it... it jus' makes things worse... I'm pretty okay with the shadow stuff, b-but, well, it's really just my own shadow that is the problem... I mean, I c-can't eat it, and at th-this point, if another sh-shadow eater c-could see it, let alone eat it, th-then there's a chance it'd jus' destabilize my personality or something..." He shrugged like it was nothing once again. He had a wonderful tendency to not only be little himself, but any problems he needed to work through as well.

"B-but, that thing I did by accident, i-it's among the things I c-can do because I e-eat certain types of shadows. I l-learn to do th-them 'c-'cause, well, they just happen, an' I c-can sense how, an' replicate it."

"You learn new abilities by eating other shadows," Billy repeated. He thought about Alex's problem for a little while longer.

"Stronger shadows are a danger to you, right? So you should probably avoid people strongly affected by the deaths---like me, unfortunately," he said, ducking his head as a surge of sadness welled up. "Maybe you can eat the shadows of people who didn't really know either of them? I'm sure our grief if upsetting them too."

Alex took a tentative step forward, "B-but they're not... they don' need the help... I... I just wish I c-could do as much as p-put my hand on your sh-shoulder... if it'd help the smallest bit..." He bit at his lip, looking about ready to cry himself. For all the pain he felt, he was the sort of person who would be more than happy to shoulder more if it meant that he could help someone else.

"It's all right, I know that you want to help me. That's all I need. Is there any way I can restrain the shadow so that it's not a danger to you?"

Billy bit his lip too. It was really troublesome, this (mostly) invisible obstacle keeping them apart.

Alex leaned against a wall of the sensorium, "I... I don' know of any way... Short of you goin' through the s-same experiment... I'm sorry." Shadows of shadow eaters were often invisible to other shadow eaters, and didn't attack. He forced a smile and suggested, "Maybe I can sit, an' just talk, or somthin'... I... I don't think I'm that g-good at making people feel better, but, I'll try..."

Billy felt helpless. He really wished he could do something to ease the danger Alex was in. "No, you don't have to. It might be safer for you if I try to calm down on my own first."

Alex kept smiling, "I'll b-be fine. I c-can fight back, and I'm even better at defence."

Pointing at the gun he asked, "What d-does that do?" He intended to make it clear that he wasn't going to leave Billy alone unless it would really make Billy feel better.

Billy sighed, lifting it up to his eyes for a moment and studying it.

"It's an immobilizer gun that shoots a cementing substance made from the slop Stacy serves us. I built it with my friends Jamie and Cassie, and we tested it last week---but the formula hadn't solidified properly and the cement exploded all over us. I ended up glued to Cassie, and her mouth was sealed shut."

He bowed his head as the sadness threatened to overwhelm him, imagining the horror that had been in her eyes. Eyes that were nothing more than microscopic ash now.

Alex's stomach flipped. Of course. Leave it to him to bring up what would upset poor Billy more. He slid down the wall and held his knees close to his chest, "I-I'm sorry... It... it sounds like you an' her were real c-close. I-it's... I... It's r-really hard to lose someone you care about... You see them all over the place. Y-you c-can't stop thinking about them..." He stroked Alice's head, with tears in his voice. He was clearly speaking from experience. "You... you feel like you'd do anything ta get them b-back... but you c-can't. They're gone, an' they'll never c-come back. Best you c-can do is to k-keep them in your memory. Jus', don' let them go. People c-can k-keep living in your memory."

He held his forehead, partly to hide his own tears and partly because of the headache he could feel coming on. It happened rather often when he began thinking of his mother. He could recall flashes of that night, but a good part of his memory was locked away still, trying to get out. Alex was quite okay with not knowing more than he could remember now. Still, he did her best to not think of that night, but instead think of her in his other memories. His memories of her happy. "Jus'... remember happy times with her. I-it'll make things a bit better. Just a bit easier, but it's something..."

"You didn't know, don't worry," Billy answered quickly, feeling a surge of empathy for Alex.
His pain was just making Alex's worse, so he needed to keep it under control. If he could do it without endangering Alex, he would have tried to squeeze his shoulder.

"I will, somehow. There's not much else we can do for the pain except give it time. It's...thanks, Alex. It means a lot."

He managed a wavery smile remembering a conversation with Cassie from around a month ago. She would want him to keep reaching out.

Alex wiped away the tears that had been forming with his sleeve, and offered a smile, "Mother used to say that time heals all wounds."

When had she said that? He could hear her saying it in her voice that could make even the harshest sounds in German sound soft and sweet. He smiled warmly, if bitter-sweetly. He wasn't entirely sure if he believed it himself, but it sounded nice. It sounded like something he wanted to hear.

Loretta would be impressed if she saw him here, talking with Billy despite the shadow. It had been next to impossible to get him to talk to anyone new back home. Here he had decided to fight against his nature, if only because it was a new start. He was happy to see that his reaching out might actually be helping others, even if it was in the lightest bit.

"Yeah," he nodded, wiping his face just in case. "So I might not be the same person I was, but I'll be functioning normally again eventually."

He tried his best to smile, even if what came out was a pathetic watery line.

Alex forced his own smile, which looked much more real, though still pained. Practice makes perfect, right? "W-well, every experience ch-changes us. So, w-well, it's just... You're growing. A-as a person. M-major changes are like when you back up your computer, reformat, put in a new OS and then put back all your old stuff. Y-you learn a different way of thinking, an' that might not be s-so bad."

"Maybe not. If I can save anyone else with what I've learned...it might be worth it." It's still a great sadness, though. No one should have to die to make him wise up!

Alex kept up his smile, "Jus', look forward, but don't forget the past. Mum used to say that too."

Though he clearly had an American accent, he clearly said mum instead of mom. It was one of the bits of the German language that his mother always spoke in that slipped into his speech even though he could only understand the language. A small change in sound that betrayed a bit of his culture.

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Things We Never Said [Open]

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