trans_9 | Things We Never Said [Open]

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Things We Never Said [Open]

Billy could see it clearly in his mind's eye:

Billy, Cassie, and Jamie would be wielding the new and improved Slop Immobilizer Gun, wearing their brand new non-stick safety uniforms, and presenting the project with triumphant smiles on their faces. They finally built something that wouldn't stick when it wasn't meant to. With that great weapon, they could trap their opponents non-lethally and be considered heroes for finding a use for the almost universally loathed slop.

It was now a scene that would never come to pass. Oh, Billy was still there, and Jamie was, and the gun was, and of course the slop would never ever go away, much to their dismay, but nothing remained of Cassie Lang but their memories.

Their partner, their friend. Dead. Billy thought back on all he knew of her: her family life, developing as a hero, her friends, her spirit, her contributions. All of that culminating in one of the better people he'd known, never to be seen again. Never to be thanked for all she'd done, and even he saw this. Comparatively he hadn't known her extremely well, but she was one of his own. Like B5 had been.

It was that thought that drove Billy into another version of the attack simulation, wielding the gun from his fantasy once more. He'd thought he was going to call Jamie and Cassie for the victory after the crisis, but he would now be running the test alone. Soon enough, the moving targets were in place and the first shots were fired.

Blam. Blam. This time, it worked exactly as intended, but there was no joy left in Billy's heart to celebrate. Instead, he found himself lowering his gun arm and starting to cry.

"Cassie..."

((Open because he'll be mourning here for a little while, even knowing that everyone knows where he is. Renne's last chronologically for now, but I'll work out some semblance of chronology at the end. I don't wanna leave anyone out.))

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"Hey," said Matt as he walked into the room, hands in his pockets. His face was shadowed, possibly from his hair but there was literally a shadow draped across it. The young councilor hadn't shown anything beyond his lips for a day or two now.

"How are you feeling?"

A loaded question yes, but Matt had come for a reason, having felt helpless to do anything about what happened.

And Matt the healer had arrived. Not that anything could heal this, but it would still be rude to turn away.

"As though nothing is as it should be anymore. Sick, disbelieving, desperate, guilty."

Fortunately for him, it was still early enough that he could hold things inside a little longer. His voice was a little watery, but still clearly intelligible. Billy's concessions to his pain were to keep his back turned and head bowed.

"What about you?"

"Sick, disbelieving, desperate, guilty... of being unable to stop Shiva," finished Matt. There was a clear metallic ring to his voice, a note that Quintessence had crept into it, accompanying the smell of ozone in the lab.

"I was right there Billy. I could have taken the shot. My magic doesn't harm unless I want it to, I could have blasted him, saved Kawalsky, saved everyone, saved..." Matt's fist clenched and he slammed it into the wall angrily, a snap and discharge of electrical life energy erupting from it and arching back to be absorbed into his other hand.

"I'm sorry... Billy... I didn't take the shot."

Billy slowly shifted toward Matt, somewhat surprised.

"We didn't give you adequate warning when we lowered the barrier. If we couldn't wait until everyone was out of the bombs, we should have prepared you. It shocked everyone---in your position, I could see myself faltering too."

Which today is Billy-speak for 'no one gets blame except me, damnit'.

"It was a group effort," said Matt as the metallic ring in his voice died down a little. "No one knew he would panic like that and hit the detonator, least of all me. I thought we had more time."

"... he was afraid, Billy. When the barrier dropped, I could see it. No, even before then. He was afraid, this entire situation a desperate gambit and grab for power. He knew he was outnumbered, that's why he took the hostage and planted the bombs. Meticulous planning reduced to rubble in mere seconds."

"I asked him, "what is his real goals?" He scoffed and laughed at me, calling himself a god. I might not be psychic like certain people, but I am empathic, and this entire ship is radiating misery, despair and sadness, but most of all, guilt. Everyone's guilty of being unable to stop him." Matt's hands slipped into his pockets again, a sign of frustration. "Most of all me."

He laughed bitterly. "Imagine. The most lethal of the group, able to kill with a thought. Quintessence is Life itself, and with a single blast of electrical power, I could have snuffed him instantly. But I faltered, because he was scared."

Silence. His heart went out to Matt, knowing that the pressure had to be worse on him. The power to end it had been with him directly, but he'd faltered because he responded to fear.

"You faltered because your heart responded." It was an interesting thought. "If we lacked compassion, ending a threat based on rational reasoning would be easier, wouldn't it? But what else would that cost us?"

He faced Matt fully now, face slightly red from the tears he held back. "As you said, we're all guilty to varying degrees. You're not alone---it won't be placed solely on you. I'm culpable too. We have that in common...and the pain of losing crew members and friends."

"Humanity," said Matt. "Without humanity, we would be drones, or worse. Killing machines. The savage human, that's what they call us back home at times."

He stepped up to Billy, and clasped a hand on his shoulder. "Dude... I am sorry for your loss, it's all I can say. And I'm sorry for not doing what I could have done."

Tenaya watched Billy, mostly in silence. She knew this was the time when they could afford to grieve, and she was trying to do her hardest to respect that. After all, hadn't she been just as devastated when her brother had gone comatose saving her life?

"Hey," she called out, softly.

"Right. That's why it hurts so much, isn't it?"

The moment he felt Matt's hand touch him, he looked up and gripped Matt's upper arm. "Thanks. And I'm sorry that I didn't support you as I should have back there. Let me know if you need anything, all right? I'll try to be better about it."

Now it was Tenaya's turn.

He scrubbed at his eyes furiously, eventually turning around with a bowed head.

"Hey," he answered back, trying to downplay what he felt. "Did you pull through all right?"

"All things considered," Tenaya said. She really didn't want to say that she'd come out of it perfectly fine, not under these circumstances.

"I'm sorry," she said finally. "Were you friends?"

"I'm glad more people weren't badly hurt. That you weren't." Or killed, he thought with the feeling of a stake through his heart.

He nodded, mute for a few moments before speaking again. "Yeah. We'd worked together in the Engineering department for a long time, and we'd just recently started to become friends. After the trouble I caused for her a few days ago, I was planning to invite her to engage in a more enjoyable activity to apologize."

"Exactly. Nothing you can do for it."

"Group effort," said Matt with a grin, but it was weak. "Come to the bus. I'll get some comfort food set up. Something sweet."

It was rotten luck, though Tenaya didn't say it out loud.

"I'm sure she forgave you," she insisted.

Dealing with emotional situations wasn't exactly her forte. In fact, she tended to shut down in complete shock, unable to deal with the feelings. So she knew she wasn't the best person to try to help Billy through it, at least not in the long term. In the short term, however...

"Up for a little sparring?" she suggested.

It would distract him, and hopefully leave him too tired to grieve.

"I do need to visit that bus more often. All right, I'll see you all there."

He drew back, still not looking happy, but one of the sharper bits of his pain had been dulled. Releasing the rest would have to wait.

Matt smiled as he nodded, turning to leave. Once he was out of sight, Matt exhaled, trembling as he slumped against the door. Carefully siphoning emotional energy left him terribly exhausted and weak. Slowly, he made his way back to the bus.

But it was worth it, to dull the pain a little.

Billy considered this.

"Sparring requires discipline, emotional control, and balance. I might manage two out of three, but I can exert myself another way. Do you want to run? Perhaps with a few obstacles?"

The creative effort combined with running might tire him more, but he knew he was overdue for another butt-kicking come next training session.

Nate stepped into the Sensorium, decked out in full armor, his gauntlets were already glowing. Chesplate pulsing in a bright, angry blue. Fists clenched, his eyes were on the ground as he walked in. And then he heard it. Someone was crying. Looking up, his eyes quickly found the other teenager occupying the room. He knew Billy of course. Everyone knew Billy.

They'd met briefly awhile back. But Nate simply wasn't in the mood right now. He could see the boy was hurting over something. But what could he have been through that topped losing the one person who grounded you? Who kept you sane? A headache was coming on. They were getting more frequent lately, and worse. He'd have to get a scan. But that wasn't the point. He'd find a new unit. He just needed...to be alone now.

Turning to leave, that was when he heard that half-whispered name. He froze, his feet rooted to the floor. Cassie. And there it was. The sudden, terrible pain in his chest, like a gaping hole where there hadn't been one before. How was it possible to hurt so much? Squeezing his eyes shut, he fought the tears, his fists clenching hard. Why did it have to be her? Why Cassie? His Cassie.

Turning again, he took a step forward, laying an armored hand on Billy's shoulder wordlessly. What was there to say really. Cassie had touched more lives on this ship than he knew. Who was he to be selfish in his grief?

Billy started. He'd already been found, but each time he had to explain himself anew. Had to worry about who the person was and what judgment they might be making.

This time it was Nate. He'd been very close to Cassie, he knew. Undoubtedly, any pain Billy felt was a molehill next to Nate's mountain. And he could almost sense that.

Taking a deep breath to clear his voice, he turned his head to Nate. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Tenaya gave him a small smile.

"Sure," she agreed. "That'll work."

The scenery began to change into the form of a deserted stretch of beach, similar to the coastline outside Corinth. As it began to form, Tenaya said, "Pick your obstacles." Already, she was thinking of high dunes.

Renne hadn't known much about whoever or whatever Shiva was.

Is. Was. Whatever.

The little he had known had been enough to rankle -- claiming to be some kind of god. And then that detonation device, stinking literally with magic. Stinking with something too foul for nature to let him touch without a reaction. And there had indeed been enough of a reaction.
Food had been out of the question. and quite honestly, he had looked very, very nastily green once that thing had been deactivated.

That had been a few hours ago. The worst of things had passed but he knew he'd still be moving like a drunkard with a serious hangover for a while...

...and the pain had come then full force. Pain that shouldn't 'be'.

Keeping his innards under tight control, the little oddity races down the halls and to the Sensoriums. Magic filth or no magic filth, the mother hen instinct in him is going off like a thousand alarms.

"Bee?"

Alex had been wandering the ship. He carried his laptop, the cord between it and the power core dragging behind him, disconnected from the laptop itself. He had tried working on that program for the umbrella girl, since Mao stole the original, but he just couldn't get into it. Not in his room at least. It was too quiet, too impersonal there.

So he had taken to searching for a place elsewhere in the ship, feeling guilty about feeling so upset about a girl he didn't even know. Her friends were the ones who deserved to mourn her, not him. Still, her death reminded him that this wasn't just some game or some dream. As much as the logic in his mind hated it, it was real. The risks were real. The people were real. The death was real.

And the emotions it caused others were very, very real.

Alex found himself in a sensorium room with Billy. Though Billy was cloaked in a shadow Alex was actually afraid to approach. It seemed like there were shadows everywhere on the ship now. While that meant he had more than enough food, it also meant that there were some people with shadows attached to them that might strike out at him. There were shadows he couldn't even concider eating.

Not that he would eat Billy's. This sort of thing was something that needed to be worked through, not forced away.

Of course, it made Alex feel useless once again. "I-I'm sorry." He kept his eyes downcast, his blond hair covering his face. It wasn't entirely clear why he was apologizing, but there were plenty of reasons that could be guessed at, and most would likely be right to a degree.

((OOC: If you e-mail me x.-loveatfirstbite-.x@hotmail.com I'm answering pretty quickly. Also, I'll have internet for the weekend. Internet at college should be fixed by the end of next week.))

Billy did so quickly. A mudpit with a rope swing, a few hurdles, rocky hills, a wall or two to climb. Nice and long, and the heat would cause a pleasant burn.

He changed his attire to something more suitable for running an intense course and then warmed up a bit. "Ready when you are."

And there was Alex, someone he had seen mainly on the comm networks. He almost sounded afraid, and that caused Billy to respond as gently as he could.

"Thanks, but you really helped us immensely. Without your quick work, we would have sustained more casualties. I'm glad you were with us. This? One of the casualties was a friend. I just need some time."

Edited 2010-09-03 18:58 (UTC)

Billy had known he'd have to respond to that particular call sooner or later. He drops the gun he'd picked back up and kneels on the spot, still feeling weary and upset.

"i lost one of my department members again. And this one was a friend," he offered as an explanation.

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Things We Never Said [Open]

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Another Death in the Family

(Being vague, since I wouldn't want to say what tier shadow it is. My guess is a tier 3 is that okay

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(3 is fine)

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