On the ropes [Open]

[morphitudinous]

It happened in the middle of the night, as it always seemed to. Billy drifted off to sleep at Ronnie's side that night, full with enough contentment and happy dreams as he ever managed those days, and awakened to a cold and empty feeling in his heart. It was a familiar pain, but more intense: his bond to Katara silenced. For the first time in months, he was completely alone in his head.

Since he'd spent the vast majority of his life that way, he hadn't expected it to be so difficult, but what Renne had warned him about once was proving to be all too true. Losing a Bond was as painful as losing a part of yourself, because that was what they had become, hadn't it? And he didn't have a connection left to help him through the grief this time: just Billy alone, as it always should've been. It left him experiencing an even stronger wave of sorrow than before, the grief Katara's presence had held back the first time now running free.

He stood, dazed, and dressed himself haphazardly for a stroll outside. Stupid him, he thought, so stupid to go through with all of that in the first place. Of course they'd be separated forever at some point, but the high the feeling had given him had subtly, unconsciously fooled him into believing that he was invincible. Immune to this. Not so. It would happen again and again, wouldn't it? Before long, he had no doubt that Ronnie would leave as well---then Jamie, then Kaylee, then Alex, then everyone he called a friend. No doubt his friends from Angel Grove would be in permanent stasis as well, assuming they were even still alive.

Half-dressed, disheveled, and half-out the door, he looked back at Ronnae's sleeping face. She looked so happy, so oblivious to this---he couldn't bother her with it. She deserved a happy morning before all that was to come, so he typed a quick note on the omnicom and left it on her bedside:

'---gone out to attempt to reorganize my mind. Please don't look for me, love. I'll be back when I'm ready to talk, and I fully intend to be today. -Billy

That business taken care of, he began a silent, steady march to the location where everything seemed to begin and end: the pod caverns. Every step brought another memory, of something that would probably never happen again. Even the happiest thoughts of friends he still had were quickly replaced by scenarios of their, he was sure, imminent disappearance. All the while, the tears steadily built up and trickled down.

Finally, he descended into the cavern, walking until his feet were unwilling to carry him any further. Drained of almost all hope, he collapsed against a random pod and cried. He buried his face in the texture, gnashed his teeth, brought himself through even more waking nightmares until he calmed himself enough to lift his head and ask one question.

"...I hate---hate to ask questions without answers, but why?"

Billy remained there for a long time, letting his grief out to the pod of a potential crewmate from anywhere in the multiverse. Maybe it was even Katara herself that he was crying to, he thought, curling even closer to it. Or Renne. Or someone from his universe, a sign that not all was lost, unlikely to pop but ever a small possibility....

And his disjointed thoughts went on, fear and sorrow consuming all until they would finally expend themselves for the morning.

((ooc: I know this is a lot of tl;dr bawwing, so it can stand alone. Replies are open if you really want to and your character would see for any reason, though---I know it's hard one to reply to. It's fairly quiet so that the cast can find out and react on their own time. He won't be in any mood to make announcements, I just had to write this while the energy was there.))

Comments

[ronnae.livejournal.com]

Ronnae stirred that morning, specially after the warmth that had been recently common place the last couple of nights. She pulled a pillow to her in her sleep and hugged that instead, no noticing Billy had gone. Still happy with the latest developments in her relationship kept her sound asleep until morning.

That morning she woke up alone, this of course wasn't odd seeing that a few of the days Billy had needed to leave early to work. She just found it odd that he hadn't said goodbye. She would have found the message, however, soon after Billy left, Boomy took it upon himself to clean the "clutter" left by the new denizen of 'his' house. Promptly grabbing the pad and placing it on the neat pile of 'stuff' he had to keep cleaning.

Ronnie stretched with a bright smile, looking forward to the days events, unaware of her lovers emotional state at the moment. She went to freshen up and get ready for work, soon leaving with Boomy and headed to Engineering.

Later...

[morphitudinous]

Eventually, Billy had straightened himself out enough to make an attempt at being 'together' enough to go to work. He threw himself into his tasks, making painstakingly accurate connections and testing the soldering until it was perfect. It took time, it was a pain, but it kept the real pain in his heart at bay enough for him to be productive.

Finally, though, he ran out of things to do. It was time to head home and tell Ronnie the truth---she'd been Katara's friend too, the waterbender was one of the main reasons the two of them were together at all, and when Billy was this grief-stricken there was a reason behind it. Ronnae deserved to know what was up.

A heavy-hearted engineer returned to their home, settling on the couch and calling out to her with a sad voice. "Ronnie? Are you here?"

Re: Later...

[ronnae.livejournal.com]

Ronnie had kept mostly to herself. In fact most of her work this day took her to different locations to test out experiments, so her encounters with her boyfriend were non-existent. Which was fine, afterall they had decided public displays of affection were a no go for the most part.

When she arrived home she had decided she'd try to have something home made for when Billy came home. She had made sure she had rationed the food she had brought from panetside diligently since there was no telling when there'd be another shore leave.

She was mid-stirring and had half a candy bar in her mouth when she heard someone call out. She jumped a little startled considering she had been so distracted by the cooking that she hadn't heard anyone come in.

She leaned far back enough to try and keep an eye on the food and peek out from the doorway. She smiled as she spotted Billy, but that soon got replaced by a concerned frown. "Waff's wong hun?" She blushed quickly taking the candy bar out of her mouth and smiling back embarrassed. "Y-you ok Billy?"

[morphitudinous]

Billy glanced up, taking the sight of his girlfriend in. There she was, happily cooking away and eating candy. At any other time, he would've called the innocent sight adorable. Any other day, he would have been happy to give her a chocolatey kiss and smile at her thoughtfulness.

This was not one of those happy days. He glanced up at her, folding and refolding his hands in his lap. This was going to be one painful explanation. Ronnie would have to know everything, including the terrifyingly real possibility that they would be separated by the pods soon too.

Best to start at the most important thing: "Katara's gone. She's been returned to stasis in the pod cavern."

[ronnae.livejournal.com]

It took a moment for the thought to sink in. She hadn't been on the ship nearly long enough for the dreaded thing to take anyone she cared for before. But she had heard stories, unfair heartbreaking stories of your loved ones or just friends you had gotten close to disappearing at the blink of an eye on the ship's whim.

And it hit her like a sack of bricks. "Why?" She said dryly, it's as if she didn't want to accept it as truth, that it was a mistake. She said something harshly in Thalassian and the cooking rune shut off. She walked over to the living room, a much colder look than anyone would have expected from the youth.

[morphitudinous]

Billy had hoped he wouldn't have to break it to her this way. It was always painful to lose a beloved friend, and his last two losses had been extraordinarily painful. She would know why soon enough.

He recognized that sound and decided to elaborate, shivering. "I don't know how much I've told you about Katara and I, but we had a bond. A deep friendship and a powerful link between our minds that was established by another friend of ours. He was taken from us previously, so I've now had both bonds silenced---as soon as I didn't feel her consciousness, I knew."

Billy's voice was as heavy as hers, sounding almost hopeless. "I'll explain the why. Just...give me a minute to collect myself."

His thoughts were slow to come together, constantly interrupted by memories of enjoyment and happiness that he'd probably never experience again.

[ronnae.livejournal.com]

She nodded and settled next to him, she knew all too well the pain of loss. She'd been trough it countless times, and she had taken to grieving privately. She hadn't often relied on someone to help her grieve... Sometimes in battle there was naught a time to.

She took Billy's hand comfortingly and offered him a simple smile, a smile to show that she was here for him, and a smile to let him know that she'd be okay - He was the one she was worried most about right now. She'd figure things out more clearly once he was ready to talk.

[morphitudinous]

Billy threaded those fingers through his, holding to them tightly for every moment that he was able to. What if this was their last night together? What if Ronnie was next in a quest by the ship to take everyone he loved from him? Not that that was likely, he knew it was an avia issue, but there was also the known issue of experimentation.

What if he was next?

He shook his head violently, forcing himself to focus and explain. "We've been told that we each have an avia---I don't entirely understand the concept myself, as it didn't exist on my world, but it's the intangible part of people that maintains their sentience. Without it, we would lose our cognitive abilities and our identities. Normally avias don't cause health risks, but the forced separation from our natural environments and the nature of our travel between dimensions causes problems."

Every so often, he would pause to look down at his lap for a moment. "Thus, we're at an increased risk of our avias separating from our bodies. We're routinely monitored to ensure that we have intact avias, and if a problem is suspected they're taken by GLaDOS for further observation in a series of dangerous mazes. If their avias appear to be in good health, they're returned to us. If not, they're returned to stasis for an indefinite period. Sometimes they're later cleared to be returned to us, but the separation is long-term if not definitely permanent yet more often than not."

Billy looked at her desperately, the sadness still in his eyes. "We don't have any way of monitoring our own avias or preventing damage to them, so in essence any crew member can be removed at any time."

[ronnae.livejournal.com]

She hesitated to do much of anything. She wanted him to speak, she wanted him to let it all out. It was so much better than holding it in. She did her best however, to hold his hand comfortingly, and rub his head and back affectionately.

Once it looked like he was done, she steeled herself to be able to talk. Truth be told it was hard, she can't lie to herself. No matter how much death she has seen in her short life... It was never easy, but right now she had to be there for Billy, mind, body and soul. Souls...

"This Avia sounds like the term 'souls' back home. If was odd to really understand. It was definitely a very important part of who you were. And if you lost it, you weren't yourself anymore." She sighed and hugged him in a way to tell him she'd never leave him.

[makeherblue]

It was a habit to head down to the Pod Caverns every now and then.

Maybe it was the humans rubbing off on him, this pointless need to come back to something and hope maybe it was magically different this time. He'd called it "cupboard checking". Maybe "pantry checking" was more accurate, come to think of it. Nothing worse than an empty pantry that wouldn't fill itself! But yeah: same mentality, checking it to see if it suddenly sprouted some bananas and being inevitably disappointed when it didn't. The Doctor found that behavior rather less charming than the humans' constant need to snuggle things in their sleep. Pointless, that was what it was.

And yet here he was anyway. Being pointless.

The Doctor strolled around the Pod Caverns, careful to mind his step. Best not to slip on anything here, slime puddles or otherwise. Still no sign of Amy or Rory (or, and this was probably a stretch, Victoria or Zoe), and he hadn't found the right frequency to sonic the pods open either. The Doctor had just stopped in front of a pod to fiddle with his sonic when he heard what sounded rather like someone crying. Not just crying, either. The sort of good cry you generally had when no one was looking.

Pocketing the sonic, the Doctor poked his head around a bank of pods and spotted Billy slumped across another pod.

The Doctor approached quietly, "Billy? Is something wrong?"

Clearly it was, but humans liked that, right? Stating the obvious as a conversation opener. That sort of thing.

[morphitudinous]

Uninterrupted, Billy probably would have cried himself to sleep and stayed until noon, dragging himself out with a zombie-like expression. He certainly didn't want to feel, not now. Crying it out until he numbed himself was best---didn't tend to attract ridicule that way.

But he was unlucky enough to be caught, the part of Billy's mind still self-aware and able to think about things other than his despair thought. There was a brief thought about how unlikely that was: who on earth would stroll the caverns at the wee hours of the morning? There was nothing happening here between pod releases...security, maybe? If it was the security patrol he'd straighten himself out and rush right back to work.

No, he realized when his blurred vision managed to look back and focus, it was the Doctor. That complicated things. It wasn't someone he loved and knew wouldn't judge, like Jamie, or someone who would just insult and slap him until he got his head together, like certain others he knew...it was that uniquely Doctor unpredictability that worried him here.

Pulling back from his grief just slightly, Billy scrubbed at his eyes and shifted to the side, half-facing him.

"Just being stupid, Doctor," he finally admitted with a sorrowful and dead-sounding tone, gaze locked on his lap. "Monumentally stupid, in fact."

[bonnypiperlad]

Jamie couldn't sleep, for some reason, and after some tossing and turning decided to give up on the idea entirely and go see what the Doctor was up to. However, the Time Lord wasn't in the console room. Rather than go deeper into the TARDIS to look for him, however, Jamie decided to head out into Stacy. If he couldn't find him, he figured, he could always go back later.

It was luck more than anything that he caught a glimpse of the Doctor as he headed towards the Pod Caverns. Why would he be going there? Jamie couldn't think of a good reason for it, unless he had gotten some idea on how to try and figure out if his other companions were in some of the pods. It didn't quite seem right, however, and with a faint frown, Jamie headed that direction himself.

Once he got there, things became a little clearer. Seeing Billy there as well - and catching a glimpse of his friend's expression - he moved over to the Doctor's side with a faint look of worry on his own face.

"What happened, Billy?"

[makeherblue]

If the Doctor was surprised that he'd been followed, he didn't show it. He half-turned, took in a random Scot who hadn't been there before, and accepted that Jamie was clearly doing some investigating on his own.

Or a snoop. Or a sneak. Sometimes they amounted to the same thing.

"Monumentally stupid?" The Doctor frowned, his head cocked as he took Billy in. Maybe it was just him, but Billy looked positively dreadful. More than dreadful. Like maybe one good cry by himself wasn't really quite enough and he could use another one once he got a chance. "I hardly doubt it."

Jamie's approach was hardly very discreet, but it was still a question that needed asking. The Doctor's eyes flickered over to the Scot. The human look worried and not just Where's My Sporran level of worried. Different sort of worried. Best friends on this ship, right? He was sure Jamie told them they were that close, so yeah. Close humans. The Doctor turned his attention back to Billy, who was still looking the same bedraggled look as earlier, and quite busy studying his lap like it was suddenly interesting.

[morphitudinous]

Jamie was here too. Of course, Billy couldn't be lucky enough to be caught by just one person. Time Lord. Whatever he preferred to call himself. This was going to be painful, as he had no doubt that either or both of them would pry until they got the truth out. The Scot was especially tricky, as Billy knew for a fact that he was exceedingly stubborn.

But...with Katara gone and no more Bond alight inside his head, Jamie was now his closest friend, right? He'd scold Billy, maybe, but he wouldn't laugh or mock. That meant something, at least, and gave Billy enough strength to quietly talk.

He'd been expecting the Doctor to make a remark like that, and he was too weary to cringe, so he simply gave a tired nod and started the story.

"Katara's gone," Billy choked out, the words causing a new wave of pain as they brought his consciousness right back to the tightened walls and the void now there. Feeling it so deeply made him want to shut it out any way he could, curling up for warmth despite the humidity of the cavern and staring at a spot between the two of them.

"We had a link between our minds, and I knew it had died the moment I awakened," he explained for the Doctor's benefit. He expected that the man could guess that they were fairly close friends from there, or at least understand the link-severing backlash.

[bonnypiperlad]

For all that Jamie is perfectly capable of sneaking when he wants to, there are times that it doesn't really occur to him that he should do so. Like in the middle of the night, when he's following someone who he really doesn't think he needs to try and sneak up on. Besides, the Doctor's got excellent hearing - there's a good chance that even if he did try to sneak, he'd have been caught anyway.

It doesn't matter much once he gets there, either. Billy's obvious grief over the situation is a palpable thing, and Jamie doesn't need a bond to know that his friend is clearly upset. Finding out who it is makes it that much worse. Jamie moves over to lay a hand on his friend's arm.

"So ye came here to see if ye could find out why Stacy took her back to the pods, too." Jamie knows full well his fellow Ranger is giving the Time Lord the simplest explanation, and there's more to it then that. While, for once, he doesn't say so out loud, the thought is more or less there on his face to read as he gives a quick look back at the Doctor. It's up to Billy, though, how much he wants to explain, and Jamie turns back, giving that arm a small, comforting squeeze. It probably won't help much, but hopefully it'll be something.

"I'm sorry, Billy."

[makeherblue]

Ah, a type of psychic link. Complicated, those, even on a good day. Obviously this wasn't a good day, so make that much more than complicated. The Doctor's expression softened as Billy explained.

He would've said Billy's taking it surprisingly well, but he remembers the sound of Billy's crying before. That hadn't been taking it very well at all.

The Doctor moved to crouch down across from Billy, eyes searching his face, not quite blinking. Searching all the pods could take quite a long time, especially without being able to see inside them very well or having a proper way of opening them (trust him, he'd tried with the sonic). No doubt Billy had been having a go at that before the Doctor found him. Like he said, psychic bonds. Complicated little big things. The Doctor thinks he understands Jamie's need to apologize, the Doctor not saying anything himself for a long moment; instead he studies Billy, expression unreadable.

"We could look around together." The Doctor's voice is gentle.

He focuses on what they can do, recognizing deep grief for what it was. Call it years of personal experience dealing with it, time and time again. "Or we can try to find a way to communicate with Stacy, ask her directly why and try to see if we can come to an agreement with her."

Okay, so it's not the most brilliant idea he's ever had, but it's a start. If they can find out the whys, they can work from there, can't they? The Doctor shifts his weight from one leg to the other, feeling the pod cavern's humidity. He resists the urge to wipe at his forehead. The Doctor wants to say Stacy is a fair-minded ship...thing, but he's also heard about her idea of Punishment. So yeah, right: no telling if she will be fair about this if she's unreasonable about other aspects of the crew.

[morphitudinous]

Billy twitched uncomfortably under the Doctor's gaze, struggling to gain control over his breathing. It still sounded wet and raw, his eyes still burned, and his mind still felt like it contained a gaping wound. It wasn't okay, not by a long shot.

Jamie's comfort was felt and noted, tugging him back into the present. "This isn't the first time I've looked," he admitted quietly. "I've searched for my friends from home before. All this time, I've wanted to know that they're alive---I'm still unsure of the probabilities involved, but I've come up as clueless about their continued existence as I started."

Billy's voice was cold and sorrowful, the sound of someone who hadn't any hope to spare. As for the why? Why? He clutched at his arms while he pondered that question, mind racing through everything he'd learned over the past year or so. Slowly, the explanation came back: avia. Damaged life essence. She'd been damaged by something---was it related to one's state of well being at all? Had emotional turmoil influenced it? Breaking up with Aang? Losing Renne? Both? Well, Billy realized with a chill in his heart, he and Katara had had one of those things in common...

"...now I realize that there's more to the question than that," he shivered, squeezing his eyes shut. The implications his mind was hitting on were not pleasant ones at all. "We know that GLaDOS's tests and subsequent repoddings are done because that crew member's avia was damaged. What we can't see for ourselves is the extent of the damage, what precisely damaged her enough to trigger the repodding, or how close any of us are to reaching that point."

This was the hardest part to say. He shuddered, turning away from Jamie slightly in shame. "If it's affected at all by personal experience and mental health, there's a good chance that I'll be a candidate for repodding in the near future."

At this point, he didn't say, he wasn't sure that he'd entirely mind it.

[hack-rat.livejournal.com]

Alex had taken up Katara's offer to sleep in her suite after the first night sleeping alone in Engineering. It had been easy enough to fall asleep, but when he woke from a nightmare to find that he was alone, and realized that even though he was going to be alone in Engineering, that even if he had been in his room he still would have been alone.

He had woken up several times the previous night, and just hearing Katara turn in her sleep was enough to help him clam down. However, tonight, he lay awake from a nightmare for some time with no sound in the suite. He dreaded what he felt was true, but had to check anyway.

Katara wasn't in her room anymore either. His heart sunk and immediately went out to Billy. Hadn't they both shared a connection thanks to Renne? He had seen how bad the loss of Renne had effected them. Katara disappearing -- as much as it hurt him, it must hurt Billy even more. With a sick feeling in his stomach he rushed out of his room, and headed towards Billy's place. It was only luck that allow him to catch glimpse of Billy and trail him to the pod caverns as he stayed a safe distance from his shadow.

When Billy finally stopped, Alex stood, further down the row, not sure what to do. He was so consumed with his concern for Billy that he didn't even realize that he was crying a bit too. He gripped at his pyjama pants and looked away as Billy asked his question. It was the one that had been running through his own head so often lately, and he hated that he couldn't find an answer for him.

He hated even more that he couldn't hug Billy, the way that Billy had held him when he realized Tavros was gone.

[morphitudinous]

Billy had spent a while here, trying his best to sort through his memories and remember all he'd been taught. While repoddings were usually permanent in his experience, they weren't always---so there was the slightest chance he might see Katara again someday. And there were responsibilities, weren't there? He couldn't let this emptiness keep him from working.

With every breath, he pushed against the ground a little more. He had to get a grip on himself, get back to work some time today, and do what he could to avoid worrying his friends too much. Finally, guiltily, he remembered that they would be affected too.

...including Alex, who Billy saw had tracked him down and come to stand a distance away. That was right. Alex and Katara had just been living together. They had both agreed to help him through the loss of Tavros, and there was no doubt that this second blow was hurting Alex too.

Billy half-stood to go to him, thoughts focused on stopping this pain, but he then remembered the problem: no doubt he was consumed by an enormous shadow, far too dangerous to bring near his friend. Defeated, he slumped back against the floor for a minute, then remembered---their tech!

A clumsy and miserable scramble for the omnicom later, a message would appear on Alex's:

Alex?

[hack-rat.livejournal.com]

Alex looked in confusion at Billy, only pulling out his own when it made a soft, quick beep. He saw the message and typed back, I'm here Billy. I'm sorry. I wish I could hug you like you did for me.

Really, they were close enough that they could probably speak at a normal level and the voice would carry, but Alex didn't much feel like he could speak anyway right now. Not without breaking down completely.

He decided right then that he wasn't going to room with anyone, since twice now, the person he roomed with got repodded.

But right now he could get a little closer to Billy. He walked down a few more pods and sat with his back up against one of them.

[morphitudinous]

I can't say I'm okay, not like this. But it's enough to know that you want to.

Billy's fingers were shaking as he typed, but the message came out far steadier than it would have if he'd voiced it. He looked up at Alex, letting him know that he appreciated the company, but he did worry about his friend getting too close.

I just don't know what to do. I haven't felt this empty for as long as I can remember. It definitely wasn't like this before everything started. My head didn't feel like it had been strained past the limit and snapped on at the edges.

[hack-rat.livejournal.com]

Alex hung his head, letting his hair hide his eyes. I think you can pull through this, Billy. You're strong. You managed to pull through with Renne.

He paused in his typing, and then sent it to show where he had paused before beginning to type again, I know how close you two were. Having a bond like that, of course it will hurt, but don't let yourself completely fall apart. Cry, take time to release your pain. Just... He stopped again, but this time put in the ellipse to indicate his pause, promise me that you won't give up?

[morphitudinous]

I don't have another bond to fall back on this time. I'm alone in my mind---as I should've been all along. But I'm no longer acclimated to this emptiness.

Billy paused again, taking a moment to slump over and read the second message. As he read it, the tears filled his eyes again. He was painfully reminded of himself with Katara and Alex, of the promise they had made to stay with him as long as possible, knowing how broken she would be at being forced to leave so soon. Any one of them could be next, even him.

So many conflicting thoughts were running through his head: give up? Don't? Should he want to stay for Ronnie, Alex, and everyone? Should he want to be with Renne, Katara, and possibly his friends from Angel Grove where this pain couldn't hurt him anymore? What was worth it? What had he lost? What was there to be gained?

Maybe freedom, someday. Maybe Earth back. Maybe a stable world where he wouldn't have to feel like this so often anymore. Billy stared at the screen for the longest time, searching for some way to translate all of that conflict and weighing of the scales into words, but all he came up with was a sob.

I'm sorry. I need a moment.

All of his attempts at thought were blocked by grief pushing out, demanding to break free---so it seemed the only way to answer was to clear the backlog of tears first.

Curling up to the pod in a desperate search for any source of warmth, Billy hid his face against it and cried. He'd still answer the question and make that promise when he was ready. It just might take a few minutes.

[hack-rat.livejournal.com]

He cursed being a shadow eater again. He just wanted to go over to Billy and to hold him, but he couldn't without getting all cut up. If he didn't attack the shadow back, then it wouldn't go so far as to try to kill him, just like that time after Luna died. He saw Sam, and Sam's shadow had attacked him, but he had been beyond caring. He inched closer, and then a little closer again.

Don't be sorry. Cry as much as you need. I just wish I could let you use my shoulder. He sent the message, wiping at his own tears.

[morphitudinous]

Billy nodded shakily, making a small gesture with his hand to indicate that he understood.

Remind me to hug you when I'm safe to approach again, he typed out, riding out the last wave of grief for now. Finally it abated, leaving him catching his breath against the pod.

With a friend like Alex, there wasn't a chance that he could choose to give up. Not after this. Once he successfully gained some control over his voice, Billy called out to him.

"It isn't easy, but...I promise. I can't leave you now, not if I can help it."