Billy Cranston (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morphitudinous) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans_92011-03-20 03:25 pm
morphitudinous) wrote in trans_92011-03-20 03:25 pm
Entry tags:
On the ropes [Open]
It happened in the middle of the night, as it always seemed to. Billy drifted off to sleep at Ronnie's side that night, full with enough contentment and happy dreams as he ever managed those days, and awakened to a cold and empty feeling in his heart. It was a familiar pain, but more intense: his bond to Katara silenced. For the first time in months, he was completely alone in his head.
Since he'd spent the vast majority of his life that way, he hadn't expected it to be so difficult, but what Renne had warned him about once was proving to be all too true. Losing a Bond was as painful as losing a part of yourself, because that was what they had become, hadn't it? And he didn't have a connection left to help him through the grief this time: just Billy alone, as it always should've been. It left him experiencing an even stronger wave of sorrow than before, the grief Katara's presence had held back the first time now running free.
He stood, dazed, and dressed himself haphazardly for a stroll outside. Stupid him, he thought, so stupid to go through with all of that in the first place. Of course they'd be separated forever at some point, but the high the feeling had given him had subtly, unconsciously fooled him into believing that he was invincible. Immune to this. Not so. It would happen again and again, wouldn't it? Before long, he had no doubt that Ronnie would leave as well---then Jamie, then Kaylee, then Alex, then everyone he called a friend. No doubt his friends from Angel Grove would be in permanent stasis as well, assuming they were even still alive.
Half-dressed, disheveled, and half-out the door, he looked back at Ronnae's sleeping face. She looked so happy, so oblivious to this---he couldn't bother her with it. She deserved a happy morning before all that was to come, so he typed a quick note on the omnicom and left it on her bedside:
'---gone out to attempt to reorganize my mind. Please don't look for me, love. I'll be back when I'm ready to talk, and I fully intend to be today. -Billy
That business taken care of, he began a silent, steady march to the location where everything seemed to begin and end: the pod caverns. Every step brought another memory, of something that would probably never happen again. Even the happiest thoughts of friends he still had were quickly replaced by scenarios of their, he was sure, imminent disappearance. All the while, the tears steadily built up and trickled down.
Finally, he descended into the cavern, walking until his feet were unwilling to carry him any further. Drained of almost all hope, he collapsed against a random pod and cried. He buried his face in the texture, gnashed his teeth, brought himself through even more waking nightmares until he calmed himself enough to lift his head and ask one question.
"...I hate---hate to ask questions without answers, but why?"
Billy remained there for a long time, letting his grief out to the pod of a potential crewmate from anywhere in the multiverse. Maybe it was even Katara herself that he was crying to, he thought, curling even closer to it. Or Renne. Or someone from his universe, a sign that not all was lost, unlikely to pop but ever a small possibility....
And his disjointed thoughts went on, fear and sorrow consuming all until they would finally expend themselves for the morning.
((ooc: I know this is a lot of tl;dr bawwing, so it can stand alone. Replies are open if you really want to and your character would see for any reason, though---I know it's hard one to reply to. It's fairly quiet so that the cast can find out and react on their own time. He won't be in any mood to make announcements, I just had to write this while the energy was there.))
Since he'd spent the vast majority of his life that way, he hadn't expected it to be so difficult, but what Renne had warned him about once was proving to be all too true. Losing a Bond was as painful as losing a part of yourself, because that was what they had become, hadn't it? And he didn't have a connection left to help him through the grief this time: just Billy alone, as it always should've been. It left him experiencing an even stronger wave of sorrow than before, the grief Katara's presence had held back the first time now running free.
He stood, dazed, and dressed himself haphazardly for a stroll outside. Stupid him, he thought, so stupid to go through with all of that in the first place. Of course they'd be separated forever at some point, but the high the feeling had given him had subtly, unconsciously fooled him into believing that he was invincible. Immune to this. Not so. It would happen again and again, wouldn't it? Before long, he had no doubt that Ronnie would leave as well---then Jamie, then Kaylee, then Alex, then everyone he called a friend. No doubt his friends from Angel Grove would be in permanent stasis as well, assuming they were even still alive.
Half-dressed, disheveled, and half-out the door, he looked back at Ronnae's sleeping face. She looked so happy, so oblivious to this---he couldn't bother her with it. She deserved a happy morning before all that was to come, so he typed a quick note on the omnicom and left it on her bedside:
'---gone out to attempt to reorganize my mind. Please don't look for me, love. I'll be back when I'm ready to talk, and I fully intend to be today. -Billy
That business taken care of, he began a silent, steady march to the location where everything seemed to begin and end: the pod caverns. Every step brought another memory, of something that would probably never happen again. Even the happiest thoughts of friends he still had were quickly replaced by scenarios of their, he was sure, imminent disappearance. All the while, the tears steadily built up and trickled down.
Finally, he descended into the cavern, walking until his feet were unwilling to carry him any further. Drained of almost all hope, he collapsed against a random pod and cried. He buried his face in the texture, gnashed his teeth, brought himself through even more waking nightmares until he calmed himself enough to lift his head and ask one question.
"...I hate---hate to ask questions without answers, but why?"
Billy remained there for a long time, letting his grief out to the pod of a potential crewmate from anywhere in the multiverse. Maybe it was even Katara herself that he was crying to, he thought, curling even closer to it. Or Renne. Or someone from his universe, a sign that not all was lost, unlikely to pop but ever a small possibility....
And his disjointed thoughts went on, fear and sorrow consuming all until they would finally expend themselves for the morning.
((ooc: I know this is a lot of tl;dr bawwing, so it can stand alone. Replies are open if you really want to and your character would see for any reason, though---I know it's hard one to reply to. It's fairly quiet so that the cast can find out and react on their own time. He won't be in any mood to make announcements, I just had to write this while the energy was there.))
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Don't be sorry. Cry as much as you need. I just wish I could let you use my shoulder. He sent the message, wiping at his own tears.
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Remind me to hug you when I'm safe to approach again, he typed out, riding out the last wave of grief for now. Finally it abated, leaving him catching his breath against the pod.
With a friend like Alex, there wasn't a chance that he could choose to give up. Not after this. Once he successfully gained some control over his voice, Billy called out to him.
"It isn't easy, but...I promise. I can't leave you now, not if I can help it."
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He leaned up, testing his voice for a moment. "Just...let me know when you're ready. Then I'll follow at a distance, and...maybe we can take turns receiving hugs from a third party?"
It was a ridiculous suggestion and he knew it, but it was all he could think of at the moment.
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Billy looked over at Alex's position and nodded, thinking that it might just stop being so horrible eventually. There might even be a smile again.
Should you go first, then, or did you want to stay?
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