Billy Cranston (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morphitudinous) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans_92011-03-20 03:25 pm
morphitudinous) wrote in trans_92011-03-20 03:25 pm
Entry tags:
On the ropes [Open]
It happened in the middle of the night, as it always seemed to. Billy drifted off to sleep at Ronnie's side that night, full with enough contentment and happy dreams as he ever managed those days, and awakened to a cold and empty feeling in his heart. It was a familiar pain, but more intense: his bond to Katara silenced. For the first time in months, he was completely alone in his head.
Since he'd spent the vast majority of his life that way, he hadn't expected it to be so difficult, but what Renne had warned him about once was proving to be all too true. Losing a Bond was as painful as losing a part of yourself, because that was what they had become, hadn't it? And he didn't have a connection left to help him through the grief this time: just Billy alone, as it always should've been. It left him experiencing an even stronger wave of sorrow than before, the grief Katara's presence had held back the first time now running free.
He stood, dazed, and dressed himself haphazardly for a stroll outside. Stupid him, he thought, so stupid to go through with all of that in the first place. Of course they'd be separated forever at some point, but the high the feeling had given him had subtly, unconsciously fooled him into believing that he was invincible. Immune to this. Not so. It would happen again and again, wouldn't it? Before long, he had no doubt that Ronnie would leave as well---then Jamie, then Kaylee, then Alex, then everyone he called a friend. No doubt his friends from Angel Grove would be in permanent stasis as well, assuming they were even still alive.
Half-dressed, disheveled, and half-out the door, he looked back at Ronnae's sleeping face. She looked so happy, so oblivious to this---he couldn't bother her with it. She deserved a happy morning before all that was to come, so he typed a quick note on the omnicom and left it on her bedside:
'---gone out to attempt to reorganize my mind. Please don't look for me, love. I'll be back when I'm ready to talk, and I fully intend to be today. -Billy
That business taken care of, he began a silent, steady march to the location where everything seemed to begin and end: the pod caverns. Every step brought another memory, of something that would probably never happen again. Even the happiest thoughts of friends he still had were quickly replaced by scenarios of their, he was sure, imminent disappearance. All the while, the tears steadily built up and trickled down.
Finally, he descended into the cavern, walking until his feet were unwilling to carry him any further. Drained of almost all hope, he collapsed against a random pod and cried. He buried his face in the texture, gnashed his teeth, brought himself through even more waking nightmares until he calmed himself enough to lift his head and ask one question.
"...I hate---hate to ask questions without answers, but why?"
Billy remained there for a long time, letting his grief out to the pod of a potential crewmate from anywhere in the multiverse. Maybe it was even Katara herself that he was crying to, he thought, curling even closer to it. Or Renne. Or someone from his universe, a sign that not all was lost, unlikely to pop but ever a small possibility....
And his disjointed thoughts went on, fear and sorrow consuming all until they would finally expend themselves for the morning.
((ooc: I know this is a lot of tl;dr bawwing, so it can stand alone. Replies are open if you really want to and your character would see for any reason, though---I know it's hard one to reply to. It's fairly quiet so that the cast can find out and react on their own time. He won't be in any mood to make announcements, I just had to write this while the energy was there.))
Since he'd spent the vast majority of his life that way, he hadn't expected it to be so difficult, but what Renne had warned him about once was proving to be all too true. Losing a Bond was as painful as losing a part of yourself, because that was what they had become, hadn't it? And he didn't have a connection left to help him through the grief this time: just Billy alone, as it always should've been. It left him experiencing an even stronger wave of sorrow than before, the grief Katara's presence had held back the first time now running free.
He stood, dazed, and dressed himself haphazardly for a stroll outside. Stupid him, he thought, so stupid to go through with all of that in the first place. Of course they'd be separated forever at some point, but the high the feeling had given him had subtly, unconsciously fooled him into believing that he was invincible. Immune to this. Not so. It would happen again and again, wouldn't it? Before long, he had no doubt that Ronnie would leave as well---then Jamie, then Kaylee, then Alex, then everyone he called a friend. No doubt his friends from Angel Grove would be in permanent stasis as well, assuming they were even still alive.
Half-dressed, disheveled, and half-out the door, he looked back at Ronnae's sleeping face. She looked so happy, so oblivious to this---he couldn't bother her with it. She deserved a happy morning before all that was to come, so he typed a quick note on the omnicom and left it on her bedside:
'---gone out to attempt to reorganize my mind. Please don't look for me, love. I'll be back when I'm ready to talk, and I fully intend to be today. -Billy
That business taken care of, he began a silent, steady march to the location where everything seemed to begin and end: the pod caverns. Every step brought another memory, of something that would probably never happen again. Even the happiest thoughts of friends he still had were quickly replaced by scenarios of their, he was sure, imminent disappearance. All the while, the tears steadily built up and trickled down.
Finally, he descended into the cavern, walking until his feet were unwilling to carry him any further. Drained of almost all hope, he collapsed against a random pod and cried. He buried his face in the texture, gnashed his teeth, brought himself through even more waking nightmares until he calmed himself enough to lift his head and ask one question.
"...I hate---hate to ask questions without answers, but why?"
Billy remained there for a long time, letting his grief out to the pod of a potential crewmate from anywhere in the multiverse. Maybe it was even Katara herself that he was crying to, he thought, curling even closer to it. Or Renne. Or someone from his universe, a sign that not all was lost, unlikely to pop but ever a small possibility....
And his disjointed thoughts went on, fear and sorrow consuming all until they would finally expend themselves for the morning.
((ooc: I know this is a lot of tl;dr bawwing, so it can stand alone. Replies are open if you really want to and your character would see for any reason, though---I know it's hard one to reply to. It's fairly quiet so that the cast can find out and react on their own time. He won't be in any mood to make announcements, I just had to write this while the energy was there.))
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And it hit her like a sack of bricks. "Why?" She said dryly, it's as if she didn't want to accept it as truth, that it was a mistake. She said something harshly in Thalassian and the cooking rune shut off. She walked over to the living room, a much colder look than anyone would have expected from the youth.
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He recognized that sound and decided to elaborate, shivering. "I don't know how much I've told you about Katara and I, but we had a bond. A deep friendship and a powerful link between our minds that was established by another friend of ours. He was taken from us previously, so I've now had both bonds silenced---as soon as I didn't feel her consciousness, I knew."
Billy's voice was as heavy as hers, sounding almost hopeless. "I'll explain the why. Just...give me a minute to collect myself."
His thoughts were slow to come together, constantly interrupted by memories of enjoyment and happiness that he'd probably never experience again.
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She took Billy's hand comfortingly and offered him a simple smile, a smile to show that she was here for him, and a smile to let him know that she'd be okay - He was the one she was worried most about right now. She'd figure things out more clearly once he was ready to talk.
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What if he was next?
He shook his head violently, forcing himself to focus and explain. "We've been told that we each have an avia---I don't entirely understand the concept myself, as it didn't exist on my world, but it's the intangible part of people that maintains their sentience. Without it, we would lose our cognitive abilities and our identities. Normally avias don't cause health risks, but the forced separation from our natural environments and the nature of our travel between dimensions causes problems."
Every so often, he would pause to look down at his lap for a moment. "Thus, we're at an increased risk of our avias separating from our bodies. We're routinely monitored to ensure that we have intact avias, and if a problem is suspected they're taken by GLaDOS for further observation in a series of dangerous mazes. If their avias appear to be in good health, they're returned to us. If not, they're returned to stasis for an indefinite period. Sometimes they're later cleared to be returned to us, but the separation is long-term if not definitely permanent yet more often than not."
Billy looked at her desperately, the sadness still in his eyes. "We don't have any way of monitoring our own avias or preventing damage to them, so in essence any crew member can be removed at any time."
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Once it looked like he was done, she steeled herself to be able to talk. Truth be told it was hard, she can't lie to herself. No matter how much death she has seen in her short life... It was never easy, but right now she had to be there for Billy, mind, body and soul. Souls...
"This Avia sounds like the term 'souls' back home. If was odd to really understand. It was definitely a very important part of who you were. And if you lost it, you weren't yourself anymore." She sighed and hugged him in a way to tell him she'd never leave him.
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It was a strange comfort to be nestled in her arms, knowing that this was as likely to end abruptly as his other close relationships on the ship had. There really was no telling who would stay or who would go. Comparatively, Renne hadn't walked with him very long. There were a few people who had been there even longer than he had, and several who didn't last a month.
He took another deep breath. "We could transfer thoughts and emotions to each other and understand who we were on a deeper level. When we were close enough we could enter each other's 'soulscapes'. There, we saw honest representations of each other, and there were growths in the different areas to represent relationships in our lives. The last time Katara and I were within mine, we found a new red core that represented you. When we came near it, I felt your presence."
Bright, strong, and warm. He could only silently pray that it lasted
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She paused for a moment, keeping her best serene and passive face for his sake. She wanted answers, she wanted to know more about why and how the ship decided who to take and when to take them.
She sighed. "No matter what happens... I'll find a way to get back to you Billy... You already know this. And no matter the distance, I'll always love you. And I'll always be by your side, in your heart and in the memories we shared. I am sure our friends would feel the same way." tears welled up and out down her face but she kept her best smile possible considering the situation.
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"I'm so terrified that we'll be broken apart next. I couldn't bear it, and I definitely wouldn't want to leave you. You've come to mean far too much, and though part of me still wishes I was a loner so that separation would be easier..."
He steeled himself for conversation, slowly sitting up and locking eyes with her. Tears appeared on both of their faces. For his part, it was the release that came with relief when a situation was finally understood.
"I wouldn't trade those days with my Bondeds for anything, no matter how much their absence hurts me now. And I...I'll promise the same to you. I want to be with you for as long as we're allowed to stay together. I'll work to ensure that we have the best memories possible and that you know how much I love you. "
With her there, he was somehow able to smile through the tears too.
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Billy eventually fell back against the couch during a particularly heated kiss, flat on his back and looking up at his lover with his hands low on her back. The force of that last kiss had blown him away, resulting in one other observation.
"We're fighting to show that our souls are strong through passion?"
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Her hands danced all over his body wanting to feel everything. She felt the need to feel all of him, she felt the need feel alive with him, and together.
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So he'd take it one step at a time. Whenever they broke their kisses to smile and explore, he'd say what he felt. "It's an honor I never thought I'd have to be loved like this, but an even greater one that that person is you."
When his tender whisper broke off, he curled as much of his body around hers as he could fit. It wasn't a replacement for the Bond, not by a long shot, but a sign that not all had been lost yet. Love existed in different forms.
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She began to sing a sweet melody in Thalassian, one of loved ones lost and hardship yet the will to live on and be strong for them was still strong. She didn't know how much he had learned from her as far as her lessons went, but she hoped the feel of the message was felt.
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The message of the melody wasn't exactly clear to him, but the thrust of emotion was. In it, he could almost hear Katara staring him down. Don't withdraw from everyone on my account, she'd say, or something similar. You'd better not let me catch you stop sharing the amazing person you are!
It was almost as if they were both singing to him. He managed to send her a light, grateful smile as he burrowed close for the duration.
When it was over: "That meant 'I'd better keep living or Katara will kick my butt', right?" he asked with a sad chuckle.
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"They won't leave my heart," Billy promised, "never. Everyone who's had an impact on my life is worth remembering, no matter how long it's been. Even my friends from Earth are still there, and sometimes I feel that that was a lifetime ago."
He sighed, sparing a thought for their continued absence while he curled close. "But she's alive, I can still feel that much. I'm grateful for that." His sadness over the unspoken deaths was left unsaid, but it was conveyed through a slow kiss.
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"That's good, they wouldn't want to be forgotten as much as you wouldn't want to forget them. It's something that not many have the pleasure of knowing. Friendship, happiness, love." She kept him cradled to her the entire time. She was happy he had relaxed at least a little and she was willing to let him sleep on her. She'd love that, it meant he was at ease, and she was close enough to take action should nightmares arise.
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"I'm grateful. Thanks, love," was his quiet answer as he snuggled close, arms as tight as he could make them around her. He lingered there for a time, slowly being soothed enough to relax, and then enough to sleep comfortably with her. It took time, but the sorrowful pants became gentle sleeping breaths across her hair.
The nightmares probably wouldn't be held at bay this time, but the warm reality would be there afterward.
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It started simply enough, and sadly, Billy felt the foreboding from the first moment. He was standing with his friends from Angel Grove on the hill of the park, smiling in the afterglow of a great game of soccer. There were jokes, teasings, and hugs shared all around---a dream far too good to be real.
The nightmare began right on time. First, it was just a horde of putties---dispatched easily enough at first. Then they multiplied, transforming into a horde tearing at and beating down the teens. Once they were driven apart in the horde, the putties seamlessly transformed into many forms. Ohm slicing and spitting acid, nameless shadows swallowing them up...one swallowed him up, and he fell, into this cold space.
Within it, he faced friends on the ship present and long gone---faces smiled, then screamed as the shadows claimed them. Billy flung himself from place to place, trying desperately to wrench his friends to safety, but it was not meant to be.
Shadows wrapped around beloved friends---Jamie and Kaylee, the other new Rangers, and Daja and Alex were all claimed, their bodies warped beyond recognition as the memories were distorted. Soon, three others with unrecognizable features approached: two young women and one small blue form, their tendrils coming just close enough to taunt him.
Then it was gone, and once Billy himself was claimed and warped, his consciousness melting and twisting beyond recognition. It was over. No warmth in the world.
---and as his dream self was struck by every blow, slowly losing his will to fight on, the man lying under Ronnie struggled to fight off the dark. He might jar her a little with his pained thrashing and cries.
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Boomy had been walking around nearby, fussing as to why wasn't his master getting the rest to function properly. This was met with sweet cooing and shushing from Ronnie, wanting him to not worry, and not make too much noise while Billy slept.
When he began stirring, Ronnae shook him lightly, trying to prevent the dream from consuming his thoughts completely, or get to a severe level, if it hadn't already. She poked him lightly and kissed his forehead lovingly. "Billy.... Billy, wake up love. I'm here."
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...and then the hold started to break loose, grip transferred to someone else, It still felt violent and cold at first, but he thought he felt a kiss. Was that a trick? Something meant to send him off into the night? Or was it a loving person protecting him? The images of Ronnie and a shadow figure taking her shape twisted and overlapped, leaving him sinking back and cowering.
"No, no...please..." he begged quietly as something ripped, his eyes finally opening. Finally, the thrashing attempts stopped. His body was calm, almost lifeless on the bed. Only his eyes moved, searching the person above him. Was she real?
Far more tentatively than usual, as if afraid she might break or vanish, Billy lifted his fingertips to her cheek.
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"I'm here Billy. And I'm not leaving you. I love you okay? You haven't lost me." Her voice was sweet and soft, almost a whisper, aiming to soothe his nervousness.
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Billy's hand slid back over her ear and through her hair, feeling her warmth and being soothed by it. They weren't out of the woods yet, they probably never would be, but this would have to do.
His hands kept up their steady rubbing, down to her shoulders and back. She was real, wonderfully real, and still beside him. And...awake.
"I'm sorry, Ronnie. I can sleep in another room if you don't want me waking you."
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"Sweetheart. I told you I'd protect you all night if I had to. You don't have to worry about waking me for I have not slept. I've been by your side the whole time love. Keeping you warm and trying my best to spook your nightmares away."
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