trans_9 | On the ropes [Open]

It happened in the middle of the night, as it always seemed to. Billy drifted off to sleep at Ronnie's side that night, full with enough contentment and happy dreams as he ever managed those days, and awakened to a cold and empty feeling in his heart. It was a familiar pain, but more intense: his bond to Katara silenced. For the first time in months, he was completely alone in his head.

Since he'd spent the vast majority of his life that way, he hadn't expected it to be so difficult, but what Renne had warned him about once was proving to be all too true. Losing a Bond was as painful as losing a part of yourself, because that was what they had become, hadn't it? And he didn't have a connection left to help him through the grief this time: just Billy alone, as it always should've been. It left him experiencing an even stronger wave of sorrow than before, the grief Katara's presence had held back the first time now running free.

He stood, dazed, and dressed himself haphazardly for a stroll outside. Stupid him, he thought, so stupid to go through with all of that in the first place. Of course they'd be separated forever at some point, but the high the feeling had given him had subtly, unconsciously fooled him into believing that he was invincible. Immune to this. Not so. It would happen again and again, wouldn't it? Before long, he had no doubt that Ronnie would leave as well---then Jamie, then Kaylee, then Alex, then everyone he called a friend. No doubt his friends from Angel Grove would be in permanent stasis as well, assuming they were even still alive.

Half-dressed, disheveled, and half-out the door, he looked back at Ronnae's sleeping face. She looked so happy, so oblivious to this---he couldn't bother her with it. She deserved a happy morning before all that was to come, so he typed a quick note on the omnicom and left it on her bedside:

'---gone out to attempt to reorganize my mind. Please don't look for me, love. I'll be back when I'm ready to talk, and I fully intend to be today. -Billy

That business taken care of, he began a silent, steady march to the location where everything seemed to begin and end: the pod caverns. Every step brought another memory, of something that would probably never happen again. Even the happiest thoughts of friends he still had were quickly replaced by scenarios of their, he was sure, imminent disappearance. All the while, the tears steadily built up and trickled down.

Finally, he descended into the cavern, walking until his feet were unwilling to carry him any further. Drained of almost all hope, he collapsed against a random pod and cried. He buried his face in the texture, gnashed his teeth, brought himself through even more waking nightmares until he calmed himself enough to lift his head and ask one question.

"...I hate---hate to ask questions without answers, but why?"

Billy remained there for a long time, letting his grief out to the pod of a potential crewmate from anywhere in the multiverse. Maybe it was even Katara herself that he was crying to, he thought, curling even closer to it. Or Renne. Or someone from his universe, a sign that not all was lost, unlikely to pop but ever a small possibility....

And his disjointed thoughts went on, fear and sorrow consuming all until they would finally expend themselves for the morning.

((ooc: I know this is a lot of tl;dr bawwing, so it can stand alone. Replies are open if you really want to and your character would see for any reason, though---I know it's hard one to reply to. It's fairly quiet so that the cast can find out and react on their own time. He won't be in any mood to make announcements, I just had to write this while the energy was there.))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Billy had spent a while here, trying his best to sort through his memories and remember all he'd been taught. While repoddings were usually permanent in his experience, they weren't always---so there was the slightest chance he might see Katara again someday. And there were responsibilities, weren't there? He couldn't let this emptiness keep him from working.

With every breath, he pushed against the ground a little more. He had to get a grip on himself, get back to work some time today, and do what he could to avoid worrying his friends too much. Finally, guiltily, he remembered that they would be affected too.

...including Alex, who Billy saw had tracked him down and come to stand a distance away. That was right. Alex and Katara had just been living together. They had both agreed to help him through the loss of Tavros, and there was no doubt that this second blow was hurting Alex too.

Billy half-stood to go to him, thoughts focused on stopping this pain, but he then remembered the problem: no doubt he was consumed by an enormous shadow, far too dangerous to bring near his friend. Defeated, he slumped back against the floor for a minute, then remembered---their tech!

A clumsy and miserable scramble for the omnicom later, a message would appear on Alex's:

Alex?

Alex looked in confusion at Billy, only pulling out his own when it made a soft, quick beep. He saw the message and typed back, I'm here Billy. I'm sorry. I wish I could hug you like you did for me.

Really, they were close enough that they could probably speak at a normal level and the voice would carry, but Alex didn't much feel like he could speak anyway right now. Not without breaking down completely.

He decided right then that he wasn't going to room with anyone, since twice now, the person he roomed with got repodded.

But right now he could get a little closer to Billy. He walked down a few more pods and sat with his back up against one of them.

I can't say I'm okay, not like this. But it's enough to know that you want to.

Billy's fingers were shaking as he typed, but the message came out far steadier than it would have if he'd voiced it. He looked up at Alex, letting him know that he appreciated the company, but he did worry about his friend getting too close.

I just don't know what to do. I haven't felt this empty for as long as I can remember. It definitely wasn't like this before everything started. My head didn't feel like it had been strained past the limit and snapped on at the edges.

Alex hung his head, letting his hair hide his eyes. I think you can pull through this, Billy. You're strong. You managed to pull through with Renne.

He paused in his typing, and then sent it to show where he had paused before beginning to type again, I know how close you two were. Having a bond like that, of course it will hurt, but don't let yourself completely fall apart. Cry, take time to release your pain. Just... He stopped again, but this time put in the ellipse to indicate his pause, promise me that you won't give up?

I don't have another bond to fall back on this time. I'm alone in my mind---as I should've been all along. But I'm no longer acclimated to this emptiness.

Billy paused again, taking a moment to slump over and read the second message. As he read it, the tears filled his eyes again. He was painfully reminded of himself with Katara and Alex, of the promise they had made to stay with him as long as possible, knowing how broken she would be at being forced to leave so soon. Any one of them could be next, even him.

So many conflicting thoughts were running through his head: give up? Don't? Should he want to stay for Ronnie, Alex, and everyone? Should he want to be with Renne, Katara, and possibly his friends from Angel Grove where this pain couldn't hurt him anymore? What was worth it? What had he lost? What was there to be gained?

Maybe freedom, someday. Maybe Earth back. Maybe a stable world where he wouldn't have to feel like this so often anymore. Billy stared at the screen for the longest time, searching for some way to translate all of that conflict and weighing of the scales into words, but all he came up with was a sob.

I'm sorry. I need a moment.

All of his attempts at thought were blocked by grief pushing out, demanding to break free---so it seemed the only way to answer was to clear the backlog of tears first.

Curling up to the pod in a desperate search for any source of warmth, Billy hid his face against it and cried. He'd still answer the question and make that promise when he was ready. It just might take a few minutes.

He cursed being a shadow eater again. He just wanted to go over to Billy and to hold him, but he couldn't without getting all cut up. If he didn't attack the shadow back, then it wouldn't go so far as to try to kill him, just like that time after Luna died. He saw Sam, and Sam's shadow had attacked him, but he had been beyond caring. He inched closer, and then a little closer again.

Don't be sorry. Cry as much as you need. I just wish I could let you use my shoulder. He sent the message, wiping at his own tears.

Billy nodded shakily, making a small gesture with his hand to indicate that he understood.

Remind me to hug you when I'm safe to approach again, he typed out, riding out the last wave of grief for now. Finally it abated, leaving him catching his breath against the pod.

With a friend like Alex, there wasn't a chance that he could choose to give up. Not after this. Once he successfully gained some control over his voice, Billy called out to him.

"It isn't easy, but...I promise. I can't leave you now, not if I can help it."

Alex sat quietly for a moment, the tears quietly streaming from his face. He tried to respond out-loud to Billy, but found that his voice was choked out by sobs. He brought a hand up to his mouth and tried to calm himself, though when he realized that his voice still was failing him he typed, Thanks, Billy. I'll be okay. I'm going to do what I can to stay.]

We'll all do what we can, Billy answered back, slowly gathering up the strength to talk full-time. You've been wonderful to me, and I'd be honored to spend more days with you.

He leaned up, testing his voice for a moment. "Just...let me know when you're ready. Then I'll follow at a distance, and...maybe we can take turns receiving hugs from a third party?"

It was a ridiculous suggestion and he knew it, but it was all he could think of at the moment.

Alex actually laughed at the suggestion. It seemed so bizzare, and terribly awkward. There was no way he was going to hug total strangers, but he smiled at Billy and typed, If that would only work as well as it sounds like it would.

I'm not even sure what I'm thinking anymore, but I think it's a sign that I'm improving. It's a small break.

Billy looked over at Alex's position and nodded, thinking that it might just stop being so horrible eventually. There might even be a smile again.

Should you go first, then, or did you want to stay?

With a sigh, Alex stood shakily. "I c-came ta make s-sure that you w-weren't doing anything I'd do..." His own attack on this room was fresh in his mind, though it seemed that the ship knew what he was planning, and knew that Zoki had better control and wasn't going to try to rip open any of the pods.

On the ropes [Open]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject