On the ropes [Open]

[morphitudinous]

It happened in the middle of the night, as it always seemed to. Billy drifted off to sleep at Ronnie's side that night, full with enough contentment and happy dreams as he ever managed those days, and awakened to a cold and empty feeling in his heart. It was a familiar pain, but more intense: his bond to Katara silenced. For the first time in months, he was completely alone in his head.

Since he'd spent the vast majority of his life that way, he hadn't expected it to be so difficult, but what Renne had warned him about once was proving to be all too true. Losing a Bond was as painful as losing a part of yourself, because that was what they had become, hadn't it? And he didn't have a connection left to help him through the grief this time: just Billy alone, as it always should've been. It left him experiencing an even stronger wave of sorrow than before, the grief Katara's presence had held back the first time now running free.

He stood, dazed, and dressed himself haphazardly for a stroll outside. Stupid him, he thought, so stupid to go through with all of that in the first place. Of course they'd be separated forever at some point, but the high the feeling had given him had subtly, unconsciously fooled him into believing that he was invincible. Immune to this. Not so. It would happen again and again, wouldn't it? Before long, he had no doubt that Ronnie would leave as well---then Jamie, then Kaylee, then Alex, then everyone he called a friend. No doubt his friends from Angel Grove would be in permanent stasis as well, assuming they were even still alive.

Half-dressed, disheveled, and half-out the door, he looked back at Ronnae's sleeping face. She looked so happy, so oblivious to this---he couldn't bother her with it. She deserved a happy morning before all that was to come, so he typed a quick note on the omnicom and left it on her bedside:

'---gone out to attempt to reorganize my mind. Please don't look for me, love. I'll be back when I'm ready to talk, and I fully intend to be today. -Billy

That business taken care of, he began a silent, steady march to the location where everything seemed to begin and end: the pod caverns. Every step brought another memory, of something that would probably never happen again. Even the happiest thoughts of friends he still had were quickly replaced by scenarios of their, he was sure, imminent disappearance. All the while, the tears steadily built up and trickled down.

Finally, he descended into the cavern, walking until his feet were unwilling to carry him any further. Drained of almost all hope, he collapsed against a random pod and cried. He buried his face in the texture, gnashed his teeth, brought himself through even more waking nightmares until he calmed himself enough to lift his head and ask one question.

"...I hate---hate to ask questions without answers, but why?"

Billy remained there for a long time, letting his grief out to the pod of a potential crewmate from anywhere in the multiverse. Maybe it was even Katara herself that he was crying to, he thought, curling even closer to it. Or Renne. Or someone from his universe, a sign that not all was lost, unlikely to pop but ever a small possibility....

And his disjointed thoughts went on, fear and sorrow consuming all until they would finally expend themselves for the morning.

((ooc: I know this is a lot of tl;dr bawwing, so it can stand alone. Replies are open if you really want to and your character would see for any reason, though---I know it's hard one to reply to. It's fairly quiet so that the cast can find out and react on their own time. He won't be in any mood to make announcements, I just had to write this while the energy was there.))

Comments

[bonnypiperlad]

For all that Jamie is perfectly capable of sneaking when he wants to, there are times that it doesn't really occur to him that he should do so. Like in the middle of the night, when he's following someone who he really doesn't think he needs to try and sneak up on. Besides, the Doctor's got excellent hearing - there's a good chance that even if he did try to sneak, he'd have been caught anyway.

It doesn't matter much once he gets there, either. Billy's obvious grief over the situation is a palpable thing, and Jamie doesn't need a bond to know that his friend is clearly upset. Finding out who it is makes it that much worse. Jamie moves over to lay a hand on his friend's arm.

"So ye came here to see if ye could find out why Stacy took her back to the pods, too." Jamie knows full well his fellow Ranger is giving the Time Lord the simplest explanation, and there's more to it then that. While, for once, he doesn't say so out loud, the thought is more or less there on his face to read as he gives a quick look back at the Doctor. It's up to Billy, though, how much he wants to explain, and Jamie turns back, giving that arm a small, comforting squeeze. It probably won't help much, but hopefully it'll be something.

"I'm sorry, Billy."

[makeherblue]

Ah, a type of psychic link. Complicated, those, even on a good day. Obviously this wasn't a good day, so make that much more than complicated. The Doctor's expression softened as Billy explained.

He would've said Billy's taking it surprisingly well, but he remembers the sound of Billy's crying before. That hadn't been taking it very well at all.

The Doctor moved to crouch down across from Billy, eyes searching his face, not quite blinking. Searching all the pods could take quite a long time, especially without being able to see inside them very well or having a proper way of opening them (trust him, he'd tried with the sonic). No doubt Billy had been having a go at that before the Doctor found him. Like he said, psychic bonds. Complicated little big things. The Doctor thinks he understands Jamie's need to apologize, the Doctor not saying anything himself for a long moment; instead he studies Billy, expression unreadable.

"We could look around together." The Doctor's voice is gentle.

He focuses on what they can do, recognizing deep grief for what it was. Call it years of personal experience dealing with it, time and time again. "Or we can try to find a way to communicate with Stacy, ask her directly why and try to see if we can come to an agreement with her."

Okay, so it's not the most brilliant idea he's ever had, but it's a start. If they can find out the whys, they can work from there, can't they? The Doctor shifts his weight from one leg to the other, feeling the pod cavern's humidity. He resists the urge to wipe at his forehead. The Doctor wants to say Stacy is a fair-minded ship...thing, but he's also heard about her idea of Punishment. So yeah, right: no telling if she will be fair about this if she's unreasonable about other aspects of the crew.

[morphitudinous]

Billy twitched uncomfortably under the Doctor's gaze, struggling to gain control over his breathing. It still sounded wet and raw, his eyes still burned, and his mind still felt like it contained a gaping wound. It wasn't okay, not by a long shot.

Jamie's comfort was felt and noted, tugging him back into the present. "This isn't the first time I've looked," he admitted quietly. "I've searched for my friends from home before. All this time, I've wanted to know that they're alive---I'm still unsure of the probabilities involved, but I've come up as clueless about their continued existence as I started."

Billy's voice was cold and sorrowful, the sound of someone who hadn't any hope to spare. As for the why? Why? He clutched at his arms while he pondered that question, mind racing through everything he'd learned over the past year or so. Slowly, the explanation came back: avia. Damaged life essence. She'd been damaged by something---was it related to one's state of well being at all? Had emotional turmoil influenced it? Breaking up with Aang? Losing Renne? Both? Well, Billy realized with a chill in his heart, he and Katara had had one of those things in common...

"...now I realize that there's more to the question than that," he shivered, squeezing his eyes shut. The implications his mind was hitting on were not pleasant ones at all. "We know that GLaDOS's tests and subsequent repoddings are done because that crew member's avia was damaged. What we can't see for ourselves is the extent of the damage, what precisely damaged her enough to trigger the repodding, or how close any of us are to reaching that point."

This was the hardest part to say. He shuddered, turning away from Jamie slightly in shame. "If it's affected at all by personal experience and mental health, there's a good chance that I'll be a candidate for repodding in the near future."

At this point, he didn't say, he wasn't sure that he'd entirely mind it.

[bonnypiperlad]

A troubled expression appears on Jamie's face, growing more troubled the longer Billy talks. "She...she'd not been taken by GLaDOS before, had she?"

He doesn't remember Katara mentioning running mazes at all, although he hasn't spent too much time around her as of late - something he feels a little guilty about. He had been thinking of tracking her down in the City after the wedding, but she had never shown. He knows something had happened that prevented her from coming inside, and had meant to ask, but...

Jamie glances up at the pods, where she was now. Somewhere in there she was sleeping and healing the damage to her avia. He hasn't explained that concept to the Doctor. It's something he doesn't quite understand, and while he accepts it, it's a bit beyond his capability to describe properly. Billy's question, though, surprises him, drawing his attention back to his friend. "Why would ye say that? Ye have Ronnae, and you're happier than I've seen ye been in a long time. If you're a candidate based on what happened before that, then..."

Breaking off abruptly, Jamie folds his arms against his chest. It's an unconscious effort to comfort himself, as the thoughts that follow aren't pleasant ones. Billy's not alone in things that have happened recently that can affect someone's mental health. Both he and the Doctor have been through them as well, and based on that, it could easily be either of them next. Especially Jamie, who has never been GLaDOSed himself. But if he lets himself worry about that, then it'll only make things worse, and he drops his arms to his sides. "Look, Billy, I know it hurts right now. But she's safe in there. And people have gone in before and come back out again."

He's not looking at Billy when he says that last part. Instead, he's looking directly at the Doctor, who, for all he looks different now, is still the Doctor. Maybe Billy can see that as well, he hopes. "Could ye say that will never happen with her?"

[makeherblue]

The Doctor catches Jamie's look. Right, the avia. He'd been told about that about around when he'd taken his own tumble out of the pods, as well as possible long term effects to staying in the Bleed. It probably differed from person to person, nevermind the species divide on Stacy. It wasn't entirely surprising, though, as unfortunate as these repoddings where; lifeforms could get a bit...funny after staring into the void too long, nevermind traveling through it for an extended amount of time. Individuals would react to it differently, but between the Bleed and being told your entire planet might be gone, well...

"There must be records," the Doctor says, mind racing. When it's going like that, it's difficult to remain on track and remember that now might not quite the time to go on and on about how mental health and how deterioration isn't something to be taken lightly. He opens his mouth, sees the look on Billy's face, and instead says, "Billy, it's entirely possible that she'll be out sooner than later."

He can't say if the odds are good or not. Not that there's much to be said for odds. Odds are the annoyingly little nagging things, like punctuality and blinking red lights. Interesting what can happen when you ignore them.

The Doctor reaches out and pats Billy on the shoulder, "We'll look for her. If your friend has been repodded, it's only a matter of time before she's out again."

So maybe comforting humans isn't exactly his strongest point. With children, it's one thing. While he supposes he could view Billy as a child compared to a Time Lord, it's just not how he does things. So instead the Doctor remains watching Billy and privately glad he has Jamie here to help. The Doctor in the meanwhile is trying to figure out how to approach Stacy about this. The problem is he hasn't discovered a way to actually communicate with her, something Billy probably doesn't need to hear just yet.

[morphitudinous]

Billy understands Jamie's meaning, honestly, but that turn of phrase prompts a melancholy response before he can stop himself. "If this is what you'd describe as happy, Jamie, then I'm not sure I could bear to see your definition of sadness."

He needs some time to consider this. Leaning back with his hand making a futile attempt to massage the pain out of his skull, he turns their words and the arguments over in his head. While she could return, he can't help but see it as unlikely. Nothing about the process had logic accessible to the crew members attached, and that frustrated him almost as much as the loss of his source of comfort and stability.

"I'll go, but you don't need to waste your time. It's a tedious and very likely fruitless search," Billy agrees, slowly stretching his legs and readying himself to move. The mental defenses against bond interruption he's learned have kept him from becoming as physically drained as he was when Katara had suffered potentially life threatening injuries that first time, but he still isn't entirely healthy and strong. It's taking conscious effort to stop himself from spiraling into despair.

As he finally climbs to his feet, he keeps his eyes on the ground and remembers. "She was largely responsible for encouraging me into a relationship with Ronnie in the first place. Always pushed me to get stronger, to try things that I'm too timid to attempt on my own."

There's a pause while he wipes his eyes again, finally standing. "I love her as though she's my own sister, and I've already lost one family."

[bonnypiperlad]

Oh, Billy. The memories of that last time when Katara and Renne had been hurt are still there in Jamie's mind, brought back to the surface by that slow stretching. The Scot moves to his friend's side to help him up, only to find it's not necessary. The shielding that Billy has built does seem to be helping, but it doesn't take a genius to see how he's hurting right now. Those quiet words only serve to drive it home that much further.

Without saying anything, Jamie moves to embrace his friend. He would do the same for his real brother if he were hurting, and there's certainly no reason not to offer his ship brother the same comfort, even if it seems to be a small gesture right about now.

He'll stay there as long as Billy needs him to. Hopefully the Doctor won't mind too much.