trans_9 | [Closed/Trigger warnings]

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[Closed/Trigger warnings]

Thirteen.

That's how many witches - including the one Mami had finished off moments ago - had been released since they started showing up on-board. Mami honestly wasn't sure how many people knew about this potential threat, and really... she didn't care. This was a problem for the puella magi, not anyone else. It was their duty to find and destroy these witches, and that didn't change just because the territory changed.

She leaned back against the nearby wall, slowly sliding down it until she was sitting. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep going like this. She was exhausted, physically and mentally; she was running on maybe three hours of sleep a night, four if she was lucky. She was still helping Homura with her idiotic, futile search for the pod Madoka slept in, and the stress from that "Visitation Day" still hasn't gone away.

And there was the thought that had been nagging at the back of her head ever since her group had gotten together after the Lirath mission. There really was no way to tell just how many witches were left. A thousand? A hundred? Ten? For all Mami knew, the one she had just defeated could have been the last one. There was no way the ship could predict how many witches would be needed to keep them healthy and still-human until they restored their worlds. Mami's own Soul Gem had been draining at an alarming rate, something that honestly scared her - partially because she didn't know why.

She stays hunched over and sitting in that hallway for a while longer - still clad in her puella magi outfit - with the grief seed she won from the defeated witch in one hand and her dim Soul Gem in another. She can't bring herself to cleanse it; if that was the last witch (or really, even if it wasn't!), what was the point? She's only prolonging a fate she has no way of escaping.

[OOC: Edited for trigger warning for possible mentions of suicide.]

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Thirteen.

That's how many hours since Mami left. Around there, anyways-- Homura isn't sure, can't be sure. But she counts the minutes as they slip by, counts the pods as she strides by, and every step tells her: thirteen. Thirteen.

The world is a haze of glowing green and the purple light of her soul gem. The world is the dark silhouette every few paces. The world is narrow passageways, humid air and an unending spiral. She doesn't mind. She never minds. This is for Madoka's sake, after all. And that's what makes it alright. She's taking better care of herself than she was before, because Morgan is right on some accounts. She can't protect Madoka if she breaks, so she sleeps with time stopped. She eats. She drinks. And she searches.

It does not wear away at her as it might for another person. This is her drive, her magic; the ability to traverse an endless maze is her true strength. ... But that isn't to say it doesn't wear down on her at all. It just doesn't break her.

Visitation day was pleasant, it was happy. It was a day spent with or around the girl she loves, and so it was good. It was just the thing she needed to renew her strength; it was validation. It was Stacy herself saying to Homura: "Your efforts will bear fruit." But podpop did not bring the permanent addition of Madoka. She hung around the room before she deemed it wasted time. And Mami came to join her, confirming Madoka's absence, coming and going while Homura stayed inside.

She works her way up the spiraling walkway and checks pod after pod after pod. 'No. Not her. Not this one either.' It continues this way for a while more before it happens.

Before she finds her.

Illuminating the pod as much as she possibly can does not reveal a face. Just a vague shape, the color of her skin, the color of her hair. Hovering before her in the green is Madoka. In Homura's mind: it is undoubtedly her. It is certainly her. It is definitely her. Homura's legs give out from under her, and she cries. She cries grateful tears, tears of relief, and more than that tears of happiness. She can protect this pod with her very life. She can monitor it and keep it safe. And that makes her genuinely happy; it is not a shallow happiness. It is the true happiness of someone who has completely devoted their entire self to another.

After collecting herself, her first thought is to share this with someone. She's happy, she's practically giddy-- so she wants to share it. She thinks of Mami, who she has been getting on with better and better as the time has ticked away. ... They've bonded a lot through this search. The search that has finally, finally born fruit.

So she sets up her marker for this pod and leaves. She tells the sleeping Madoka as much: "I'll be back. ... Don't worry, it'll be soon. I'll bring Mami to see you." It's easy in comparison to that, to find Mami on board the huge ship.

Homura approaches, and she does not smile. But there is a distinct glint of happiness in her eyes, a glow about the tired skin of her face. She looks like hell, but she looks happy. "Mami Tomoe," she says. "... I have good news."

It's strange, how they almost seem reversed at this point. Mami was always the one smiling, always the one that has a positive, warm air around her. But now she looks sick; her skin is somewhere between pale and ashen, and not in a healthy way. The circles under her eyes almost seem purple now, and - like her tainted Soul Gem - most of the light was gone from her eyes.

Normally, such enthusiasm would be infectious. And if this had been a few weeks earlier, Mami would have been happy. But too much had happened. Mami had been left to her thoughts for too long, and her hope dwindled with every witch they defeated.

But she still had some life left in her. So she looked up, genuinely curious at Homura's sudden change.

"Do tell."

"I found her," and Homura's voice is almost uncharacteristically warm.

She doesn't see Mami's dim soul gem, she isn't looking for it-- she's too caught up in her emotional exhaustion and in her own happiness. She feels good for the first time in... so very long. It's only because she's so tired that she feels so strongly. And maybe for that same reason she's able to trick herself into believing with all of her body, all of her soul, that Madoka really is in that pod she marked. There is so much hope inside of her, and it feels good.

"Do you want to come see? It's... really her. I found her."

There was absolutely no change in Mami's expression at the news. That should have been Homura's first clue that something was wrong.

The blonde-haired girl stood limply, eerily like a puppet being pulled up by her strings. She held the grief seed and her Soul Gem loosely in her hands; it would be easy for Homura to see the angry darkness swirling through the gem, nearly stifling the golden glow. Her hands twitched, as if she was going to curl her hands into fists, but decided otherwise.

"... You're joking, right?"

Homura starts to feel more and more on edge as she watches Mami step to her feet. The numbing effect of happiness, her oblivious state. It's blown away in an instant.

Mami's expressionless face, her quiet and intense voice. ... It's enough to send a chill down her spine, enough make her blood run cold. She thought she would be used to this sort of thing by now. But she isn't.

And then she catches it. Mami's soul gem: a swirl of ugly color through the bright yellow. She no longer looks happy. Instead she looks her normal, stoic self. Her eyes narrow just slightly.

"... Your soul gem. You have a grief seed right there; purify it at once."

"Why?"

It's a simple question, but it carries a lot of weight to it. "Why should I keep delaying the inevitable? If I transform, you can kill me, and you and Miki-san will be able to live just a bit longer."

Homura starts to come closer, readying herself. So it's come down to this.

"Madoka wouldn't want that," she says quietly, coldly.

"Why does that matter? She won't be around to see it," Mami said, scowling a little. "It should be obvious that this ship has no intention of letting her stay with us. It's better this way, anyway..."

She looks down at her Soul Gem, rolling it between her fingers. "If I turn now, she won't have to witness it. I won't hurt her again, like when I was stupid enough to get myself killed back home..."

Homura stiffens for one terrible moment. For that split second she pauses, then continues to approach. Mami's death probably went down in a fashion similar to previous timelines. She isn't surprised, but she isn't indifferent either.

The click of her heels, the swish of her skirt... It's really come to this. Homura does not want to kill Mami, not when they've gotten closer, not when they've made amends. It feels like a waste. But resigned to this, the cruel turning wheels of fate, Homura walks.

"If you turn now, what if you were to kill me?"

Homura stops, and she raises her own soul gem. It is murky but nowhere near the state Mami's is. It shines bright as the pod cavern's stars, brighter, and brighter still. This will kill Mami if it connects.

"Who will protect Madoka then?"

With barely a twitch from Mami, several yellow ribbons spiraled to life under Homura's feet, reaching up and tightly trapping the other puella magi's arms at her sides. It was more of a reflex than anything, but... as much as she thought about it, there was a part of her that was still afraid to die. Whatever Homura had been about to do, she wasn't going to let it happen.

"It would be better that way!" She said. Her voice was starting to take on a hint of desperation. "You've never been able to save her before, have you? That's why you keep going back in time. With us around, there's always that threat that she'll want to become like us, to help us..." Her fist closed tightly around her Soul Gem, almost like she was trying to crush it.

"She'll be safe here. There are many people far less dangerous than us who would be happy to take care of her and keep her safe from what we'll eventually become."

Homura lets out a tiny sound, struggling against the binds. This is familiar, this is familiar. It takes a second to place it. But once it's placed, her face is stricken with a look of fear completely uncharacteristic to her usual demeanor. If Mami's ribbons had not been holding her up, surely Homura's legs would have folded. It's such a familiar scenario Homura feels sick.

She remembers: her hair tied behind her, glasses perched on her face. The emotions running through her mind and her body, the emotions so like now. The image of a cool, collected mentor shattered in an instant, so like their fragile souls.

"Stop," she mumbles, dry-mouthed. Her voice raises slowly, and her eyes are unfocused. She feels like this is only the third time around. It repeats in her head over and over again, flashes and bangs, fragments of the timeline that changed her entire outlook. "I haven't... saved her yet. But I will! I will, I definitely will, so I can't die. I can't die. No one else can do what I can! So stop! Stop it!"

But Homura knew. If Mami were to let herself die, she would want to take the rest of them with her. She should have known better than to do it with last words, she should have stopped time, she should have and she should have and she should have.

"Don't you get it!?" Mami's voice was raising as she spoke. It wasn't quite a yell, but it was high enough to clearly hear the despair in it. "There's no way Kaname-san - or any of us - can be happy the way we are! Even if you save her, what happens when you finally overexert yourself and transform? What if the same thing happens to Miki-san?" It was a good thing Homura never told her the details of all the timelines she had been forced to relive, or else Mami would have been horrified to find out that Sayaka did lose herself.

"How do you think she would react when-" when, not if "- that happens?"

Homura shakes her head. She hates that thought. She hates the toxicity of despair, the slowly-creeping feeling of a miasma falling over her. She doesn't think about that inevitability. She doesn't dare to even try. It would go against her entire mode of operation.

Hope. Mami has always been fragile and volatile. Homura curses herself, thinking that she knew this would happen eventually. So why didn't she stop it before it started?

"Mami! Stop it...!"

She thought about it a lot when she first started out. She thought about that unavoidable thing so much. She thought about it as her soul gem had darkened and she laid next to Madoka in the wet and the rain. 'Let's become monsters together,' she had said then. And it had felt like such a terrible, wonderful thing. To die with someone you love, arms crossed together. These thoughts race through her head, these memories she rarely looked back on except to learn from.

Part of her begins to crumble, her carefully crafted walls and the gradually built boundaries.

"Tomoe-san... stop it... Let me go."

She remembers, and tears start to well up in her eyes. She's so afraid her words stumble out of her mouth, awkward and stuttering.

Seeing the tears in Homura's eyes and hearing her use her first name managed to shock Mami into silence for a few moments. Even after they had become allies - Mami was still hesitant to use the word 'friend'... though deep down, she considered her as such - she had never once seen such obvious cracks in the other girl's shell. And even that hurt, knowing that her actions had such a harsh effect on her.

"I... I can't..." I can't let us continue suffering. "I don't..." I don't want to do this anymore. A million unspoken thoughts and pleas were added to the already overflowing sea within her heart, and that was all it took for the last of the light in her Soul Gem to be consumed.

At once, it was like ever single nerve in her body had been set on fire. She let out a scream and fell to her knees, clutching at her chest. The pain was worse than anything she had felt before; her injuries from the car crash, Kyuubey ripping her soul out, the two separate attacks that should have left her dead...

The few parts of her mind that hadn't been taken over by despair and anguish were screaming at her to fight, resist! but she couldn't. She was so close. It'll be over any second now...

The ribbons disperse at that in a burst of light. Homura falls to her knees. She takes a moment to gather herself, completely absorbed in the shaking of her hands and the tears spilling down her face. Her world is narrow and full of fear and relief and she thanks the dead heavens for this, for making Mami stop, for sparing her life.

She looks up from her hands and sees Mami there and all of a sudden it hits her.

Homura watches in horror as the other girl's soul gem slowly morphs into a grief seed, numbly knowing what is about to happen, and she's waiting for it. She's waiting for the burst of energy that always comes along when a witch is born, just waiting and waiting and waiting. As Mami struggles in pain, Homura just watches.

But nothing happens.

Or rather, something does. Just not what either girl had been expecting. Before Mami's Soul Gem could completely twist into a grief seed... it changed. The gold-turned-black metal slowly returned to normal. The twisted sphere reshaped back into the familiar teardrop-shaped gem, and the dark, malicious aura that had been building around her faded away. The darkness still smothered most of the light inside, but that tiny golden spark was back.

Mami, unsurprisingly, was in shock. She had felt her consciousness fading away, had felt herself being dragged back into the dark... but then it was like someone had hit a rewind button. And here she was again, kneeling on the floor with her restored Soul Gem and the forgotten grief seed lying in front of her.

"W... what..."

She watches it become a grief seed, then turn back... into a soul gem.

It's such an utter surprise that Homura finds herself hoisting herself up without even realizing it, walking closer and then sliding back down to her knees. She is completely bewildered for a moment, just looking over the soul gem. She glances to Mami's own face and then back down.

The shock of this is little in comparison to reliving one of the worst moments in her life, however-- and so, Homura looks to Mami as the girl she was so many timelines ago. She looks to her as someone who should be steadying but is not at all. She does not look to her with fear or disdain or hate, as she might have otherwise.

She sees her through a pair of red glasses.

And though Mami may not see Homura the same way as she sees her, that does not matter to her right now. Her friend... that's what Mami is. And her friend, her mentor and her adviser, is hurting. Is scared. Homura might arrive at anger eventually, but right now... in this very moment, that does not matter to her. She acts on instinct rather than logic.

Gently, as though she may break-- Homura reaches out and touches Mami's shoulders. She draws her into a hug.

Without thinking, Mami clung desperately to Homura, a gut-wrenching sob tearing from her throat. She didn't even bother trying to hide it; it had been building since the moment she woke up, and now that all her defenses were completely shattered, there was no point in attempting to stop. This went on for some time, as months of bottled up emotions were finally released.

By the time Mami's sobs finally began to die down, she was trembling. She had fistfuls of Homura's plantsuit clamped in a vice-like grip, and her face was still pressed to the other girl's shoulder. After a few shaky breaths, she managed to speak.

"I... I'm so sorry..."

And Homura just sits and allows this to happen. She lets her cry, and cry, and cry. She cries too, still shaking violently, and doesn't know why Mami doesn't repulse her in this moment. Why Mami herself isn't repulsed by her, either. They were both going to kill each other, weren't they? It doesn't make any sense at all to Homura, but she still clings to the other girl.

When Mami's sobs start to subside, Homura is still shaken. The shock has not worn off, and she's still shaking badly. She hasn't stopped crying. ... And she doesn't know what to say to Mami's apology. It isn't okay. It isn't alright. And she doesn't know if she forgives her. So she stays silent, and simply holds onto Mami just the tiniest bit tighter.

Mami reaches up to wipe away her still falling tears. She makes no move to pull away; she's so completely exhausted in every possible way, she's not sure she could trust herself to even sit up at this point. So she stays in this position, seemingly unaware at how potentially awkward it is.

"I understand if you don't forgive me. I can't even forgive myself... I realize how stupid I've been. How easily I was giving up..." She frowns. "I've been so weak lately. I should be ashamed of myself."

Though also making no move to pull away, Homura does slackens her hold. Tries to relax her body, and will herself to calm down. She reaches up and scrubs at her face. It's embarrassing, it's humiliating. She doesn't like to cry in front of anyone. And she doesn't like lingering touches, either.

But... she hasn't been so startled in a long time. The timelines have a lot of moments that mirror others. But never like that. So in a way, Mami's warm body so close is steadying.

After a moment, she finally manages to speak. "No," she says mildly. "... I don't care. It's alright. So long as I can... it doesn't matter." It isn't reassuring, and it isn't kindness-- it is Homura valuing herself very little. But it's the only thing Homura can offer Mami in response.

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[Closed/Trigger warnings]

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