trans_9 | Bus Woes

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Bus Woes

Kaya had, upon beig able to live in the W.I.T.C.H. bus for the time being, happily cooked meals for the inhabitants where she could, pleased that she could finally do her part. Today, when she woke up, she hadn't seen Matt. Thinking he might be out for a Council related activity, Kaya had let this pass, exercising in Will's classroom, training her body, and then popping over to visit Billy. When she came back, she got the feeling that Matt was still gone, and she started to worry, just a little bit. She asked around for him, but no one, not even those on Council, had seen him that day. Still, she was willing to ignore this, wait because it wasn't possible. How could it be? He was a Concil member, he was the W.I.T.C.H. bus person, it wouldn't make sense.

But she knew it was true. Felt it as surely as if she'd been told, and she couldn; bear to be around anyone, bemoaning his loss. After all, these were feelings only she knew right now, that loss of something she'd had after she had weathered so many changes. She had not thought it possible to be this cruel, after all of that.

And so she wandered to the baths, stripping down and sinking into the baths. It was perfect: she coudl cry all she liked adstay underwater so no one was the wiser.

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"Admittedly, it is not hard. You give plenty away with your expressions; enough that I wonder why you even bother to attempt concealing your emotions." According to Ronnae it was apparently 'rude' when your emotions differed so much from those around you that it might change the mood. He hardly subscribed to that line of thinking, though.

"If you are sad then just be sad. Why bother trying to appear as something you are not for someone else's sake? What about for your sake?"

"I know I've imposed on you a few times in a bad state," Kaya said. "I don't want it to seem like I'm ungrateful for all you've done: I'm actually very happy that I met you. I've just lost another person, but he was someone that I knew for a long time. We were together."

She lowered her head. "It's Matt, who was on the Council. I guess I should have expected it when his own girlfriend from before was podded, but I guess part of me thought that it wasn't possible for someone as needed as him to be taken and podded again. The realization just hit me pretty hard, after everything I've been through. I really hoped he would never be taken."

Violet eyebrows raised slightly. "It is not imposing and you do not seem ungrateful. Is it not what friends are for? Accepting you as you are and sticking together through times of both joy and despair?"

He fell silent as she spoke and simply listened, head half-hidden by water again. The name sounded more than familiar. That was the person whom he'd been taking guitar lessons from though they never really spoke about his personal life.

"He was your lover, then? At this point I would say that perhaps you should prepare for the unexpected or the worst-case scenario but by doing so you would be robbing yourself of truly enjoying the present."

"Yes, but it seems like most of the time you see me, I'm depressed about something. It's not like I can help it of course, especially not this time, but I really wish we could meet under better circumstances."

She nodded "Well, more boyfriend and girlfriend. Lover implies an intimacy Matt and I hadn't gotten to yet. I'm still pretty young. It's just...the circumstances were pretty depressing, since I used to think I was in love with the Aang. Matt and I didn't let to have a lot of time together, but I've known him a year."

"I suppose," he said, glancing to the side. "I do not think you should fret about it," he urged, offering up an earnest smile.

While he listened to her explain further, he raised his hands to rub at currently empty, hole-pricked ears while he tried to think what to make of this all and what it was that he could say as consolation. He wasn't too good at the whole 'comforting' thing, especially with others he knew little about.

"I see. To think that you are in love with a person only to find that it was false but still burdened by those emotions. It must have been difficult to move on with Matt and then again, having to struggle with heartache all over. It says something about your strength of character."

His eyes darted to the far end of the spacious area where Fontaine began surfacing. "I cannot admit to knowing what having a significant other or losing them feels like so it is hard for me to empathize with you in those regards. I cannot say 'I understand how you feel', 'things will get better', 'time will heal your wounds' or many of the other things that people say to console one another because I do not know if they are true. Still, I can offer you an attentive ear, the warmth of a hug, a sincere smile or simply the feeling of assurance in the company of a friend. They are things that I am confident that I can do without fail."

The surface splashed with droplets of water as Fontaine rose from it and shook, clearing his fur of liquid. "Fontaine as well," he added.

Kaya nodded. Real friends wouldn't have cared, she knew that, but lately she felt like she'd been nothing but depressed anytime she saw her friends lately. After Alex, she was sure she would be able to put that behind her, be able to make a new start and show people what she was truly made of. But as Matt had been the start of that, having been able to go to the W.I.T.C.H. bus to recuperate, it hurt all the more deeply.

"What happened with me and Aang was pretty hard: Aang wanted the person he loved the most in the world to be here and it turned out she wasn't. I wanted, more than anything at the time, to show Aang how much I loved him yet now I find what I was was only a shadow of my mentor in some ways. I don't feel sorry for myself, everyone on the ship has troubles, but its just hard, to let go of the feelings you had once because you realize they didn't belong to you."

But she did smile at the last thing he'd said. If anything, this was the reason she shouldn't have bothered putting on a facade for him in the first place. She aways thought of Nokosi as practical (for him anyway) and truthful, whatever might happen, and it was at least enough to get her to stop tearing up.

"I should have known that then to try and pretend everything was all right," she said, smiling up at him. "And to be honest, I'd rather be in your company than most right now anyway."

And she decided to take him up on one of those hugs right there.

Nokosi folded his arms around Kaya's form and embraced her tightly. "It may be harder on you and on others to be okay with the way you feel and wring that emotion out until there is no trace of it, but I have been told that the hardest things to do are usually those that are the most worth doing. I believe it to be true in most regards."

The hug was wanted, and again, felt slightly different from one from Billy and Ronnae's, but she didn't question it: what did she really know about anything right now, other than that lingering feeling of loss she was still coping with?

"I'll take it a day at a time, like most of the podding of the people I cared about here. This one will just be more difficult, that's all. I've only met a man like Matt once in my life, and, as you know, it turned out I wasn't really in love with him, but who he was."

"Well," he started, releasing her. "I think that is a good plan. There is no telling what the dawn brings, so to speak. Still, as for any of my friends, I have very large ears and they are very good at listening. You are free to talk them off though I will admit I will have very few 'enlightening' things with which to reply to you with."

Fontaine, ever the affectionate big ball of fluff when it concerned women, paddled up next to Kaya and nuzzled his large, furry head against her arm.

Kaya nodded, and reclined against Nokosi a moment. It felt relaxing, to have a friend willing to sit and listen. That was not to say that her other friends were bad at it, but Nokosi had barely known who Matt was. In this way, she could at least recount the man who had touched her heart, enough so that she would even do something that defied what she thought she knew about herself.

"I knew Matt through his girlfriend, who arrived first on the ship. I won't lie: the two suited each other when you looked into their eyes. I watched the two a little enviously, but I knew what it was like to wait for someone you loved, even if you hardly every saw them. All the same, when I saw Matt I couldn't help but be happy around him. Like his girlfriend, Matt had a way of bringing this loving aura around him, like he could care about everyone. At first, I thought it was nothing more than a silly crush, nothing to take seriously."

She swallowed. "And then one day, Will was GLADOS'ed, which made us forget about her at the time. Matt got hurt and I had run over attending to him: and then, in that moment, he and I saw that spark."

Nokosi stood still and listened intently, mind building a bizarre set of images correlating to the situations she was speaking of. Both Kaya and Matt had been stuck waiting for a lover who'd been snatched away from them, only to find those same feelings in each other. It sounded much like one of the many stories Ellistree read to him except they had gotten the 'bad end'.

"I see...so in your heartache and his own, you found comfort in each other?" Logic would dictate that if it happened to each of them previously then there was a chance that it would happen again. Though such things were more about the 'adventure' than the completion of the journey, were they not?

"I do remember him being the first person I truly talked to when I awoke in this place. I believe he was...giving out information and I spoke to him for an inordinate amount of time. He was carefully attempting to explain the situation at hand when someone walked up and blurted out 'oh, see what happened is your planet was destroyed by aliens. Everyone is dead, sorry.' Ronnae burst into tears right there. Thinking back on it..."

He closed his eyes as he thought about the memory that seemed as if it were years and years ago, now. "He looked very apologetic...and melancholy. Not only for her...but for everyone. I wondered then, what strength of will would a person need to calmly explain to tens of people every few months that there was nothing left of everything, of everyone they held dear? Of all the things that created who they were and anchored them to something meaningful?"

Nokosi paused, his eyes flitting open as his eyes focused on the Spirit Wolf near him. "Someone admirable. Gracious and amiable with resolve. I may not have known him well, but thinking on the few impressions I have of him imprinted within my mind...I did not need to know anymore to realize how much he must have meant to some people."

"Yes," she said softly. "At the time, he and I knew that we were both missing our own loves very much, but we could not deny what we were feeling for each other either. So we decided at the time we would date, and if our beloved were to come back, we would go to them. It was a stupid pact really: the two of us liked each other too much for it not to be serious. But Aang did show up, and I knew I had to break it off: that hurt me, and him. Then he started to have some darkness afflict him, and at that time, I endured losing Aang, as Katara. It was a bad time: I didn't understand how I could have betrayed Aang, it made me forget how happy I'd been with Matt, I was so consumed with guilt."

She sighed "But then I was podded again, and when I emerged as Kaya, Matt was there again, waiting for me. I hadn't forgotten any of what we went through, our dates when we were together I was happy, happier than when I was pining on a hope Aang would come back. All the same, I began to see less of Matt, GLADOS had taken him: and then, just now, I lost him again."

Kaya was quiet. "Matt was amazing: brave, sweet, willing to do whatever he could to help people be strong. I cared for him deeply, he had brought out the best in others and was willing to put himself up for their safety. He was the kind of person who understood the pain other people bore too. I will miss him deeply, but more than anything? I'll find a way to survive."

As for waiting for Matt to come back? She had her own opinion of that.

Nokosi hugged her close once more. Even if he couldn't exactly identify with the source of her pain they were still true. Pure hurt. It made his brain shuffle to think of the last time he'd been so upset.

When he spoke with Fontaine about their companions? No...maybe when he met his parents? Being constantly rejected romantically hadn't phased him in the least and so he concluded that it was the mutual, reciprocated feelings that made it all the worse.

"Well I do know that," he said slowly. "You, yourself are capable, determined and patient. I know I do not need to worry about if you will be able to walk away from it with more than just a feeling of heartache to show for it all. Matt is lucky in that regard. He is not around to struggle with what 'loss' means to those who knew him, but even now the terrible feelings that some will endure in the weeks to come will still not outweigh the pleasant ones that come with his memory. Pleasantries that will still remain when he awakens and the dejected ones all but forgotten."

Kaya let herself be held by Nokosi for the moment, exhaling softly. When she released, she was beaming at him. Somehow, and she didn't quite know how, he always seemed to have a kind of wisdom to impart, rather than some sort of apology or feigned sympathy.

"Wherever Matt is, he'll know that I will keep the bus going if needed. But the thing is, Matt was able to really get close to the people who were around him, and they know he would want them to keep going no matter what. He was the same way with me. So I intend to do him justice."

She sighed. "But it will take awhile."

The smile that she regarded him with brought forth a cheery one of his own and he ruffled the top of her head with a hand. "It is fine if it is not now or even a month or two. It will take time to come to terms with but when you do you will be glad that you did not try to deny the reality of the pain or push back your emotions for the sake of your friends. All you can do now is be yourself and I hear you are very good at doing that anyways," he added.

She shook her head "It hurts, but its a hurt that I know happens every time you open your heart in this place. There is always the possibility that you can lose the people you care about most, and acting like it doesn't is an insult to their memory. So even if it takes a long time, I'll get better, I know it. But the one thing I will not do is feel sorry for myself: Matt wouldn't want that, and neither do I."

She laughed at the ruffling of her hair. "What am I, your puppy?"

"I would like to think that even if it does end in pain the happiness that was acquired during other people's time together would make it worth it. I am sure he would be glad to know of your stalwart resolve."

In response to her question, Nokosi tugged on her ears and shook his head. "I would not say so. Your ears are not quite long enough and besides that, Fontaine would be very jealous if I had a puppy."

After a moment he spoke up again. "Lies. You know you would be, Fontaine." The wolf only snorted and used his snout to splash water on his friend.

Kaya nodded, looking a little miserable. "I don't expect to feel good about this for awhile. For a long time, Matt was one of the few people I could count on, especially when I was getting over those memories that were my mentors'. I'm going to miss him so much."

She snickered. "I really ought to get to Hydroponics after this: Zhin is probably already feeling my pain and going to hunt me down."

"That is a good thing, despite the pain. It means he still lives on, even if just in memories. If you are missing someone to count on, feel free to count on me."

Nokosi grinned and pushed against Fontaine's head, stopping the creature from splashing him further. "Zhin...that is the animal companion in which you have an empathetic link with, correct?"

If you are missing someone to count on, feel free to count on me.

In a way, it was its own vow, had its own way of staying in her heart. It was the sort of thing that someone close would say to another, a bond, something of a shadow of what Billy and she had, but in their own way, in a way a person said something to another and meant it.

She was quiet a moment, smiling, and then answered his question. "Yes, she is. She knows what I'm feeling, and she will know I'm in pain son enough."

"I see. She is probably worried about you, then. Do not let my presence stall you from visiting your friend. Who I still am interested to meet one of these days," he added as he scratched behind the spirit wolf's wet ears.

"You aren't, believe me. I just wanted some time to myself for a little bit before I went down there. I know that being with Zhin right now will be a big comfort. And you can meet her whenever you like, just pop on over to the Hydroponics bay."

She reached over and patted Fontaine. If anything, him being here made her feel as relaxed as when Zhin was here.

Nokosi clapped his hands together. "Great! I am in there almost as much as I travel the city. I will keep an eye out, for sure. Though I would hardly consider this as 'time to yourself' since it has been interrupted. In a good way, I'd like to think."

Fontaine took that moment to leave Nokosi's side and cuddle up to Kaya, nuzzling his head against her affectionately. He would worry about ignoring his 'master' later; someone was in need of his brand of comfort and it was his sworn duty to offer it!...Whenever it concerned a woman, at least.

Kay laughed. "It is to me. I know it might not seem as such because its 'interrupted,' but I consider any time well spent with a good friend to be time for myself. Anything else is devoted to others, which i don't mind, but time for myself is precious. If I spend it well, with people I care about, I am happy."

And when Fontaine came towards her and nudged her, she cuddled him back, as respectfully as she could. She naturally loved animals, and this was Fontaine, who she knew possessed a wisdom she would never really understand. She nuzzled against him, happy to have found both Fontaine and Nokosi.

"I have to say that I do not value 'time by myself' as much as others, I think," he said, sliding away a mass of wet hair clinging to his face. "I spend plenty of time by myself as it is. Anything I would need 'time to myself' to think about...I have probably already thought about."

Nokosi's eyes slid down to Fontaine's for a short moment then traveled back to Kaya's. "He says that 'you may find comfort with him whenever it is you wish. There do not need to be words spoken between one another to come to an understanding'"

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