trans_9 | Sometimes you lose too much [Open]

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Sometimes you lose too much [Open]

Something about the river kept drawing Morgan back.

Which was odd, since he'd never considered himself to have any particular affinity to water before coming to the ship. Sure, he'd trained in it, and enjoyed swimming, but he hadn't considered his pool or a beach to be any sort of 'quiet spot' or meditative spot for himself. Then again, lacking access to his mentor's dojo, or his own personal retreats of choice, maybe he shouldn't be so surprised that he'd found a new one.

Work kept him busy, with Medical low on staff and so much to do from the rebellion. Fake as it might be, he still found himself putting in long hours and lots of effort to keep things going.

Still, sometimes... especially when you got the worst of news, you had to take a break. And you couldn't be strong forever.

Morgan sat at the edge of the river, staring into the currents, and let himself quietly cry.

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"There's that tavern," Applejack pointed out. "And there's always a picnic blanket in the grass, if you want. I don't like those tables either. I made a mess of myself in front of the princess there! That throbbing can trip a gal up."

She snorted. What an embarrassing (yet sad, now that she thought about it) day that was.

"Picnic blankets sound good right about now, actually," he said, mind drifting back. "With that and some cider, it might be easy to pretend that everything is okay for a little while."

"And maybe if we do it enough, we won't have to pretend," she whispered. Things won't be perfect, or great, but okay? It might just be possible someday.

"Optimist," he said, but fondly. That sort of attitude was what he needed at the moment, really. "I suppose if I still have the chance to sit and drink cider with a friend, life can't be all bad, can it?"

"Nope!" Applejack cheered, voice dipping into a clear imitation of her older brother.

"It'll be just fine. Wait and see."

"Hmph. I still say it won't," he said, crossing his arms in faux-stubbornness that covered up... well, to be honest, real stubbornness.

"We'll see, won't we?" They'd say the same thing, but she'd say it more positively. That little spark wasn't gone from her yet.

"Maybe it'll go right for you and not for me! What does that count as, huh?" he said, giving her a little nudge with his shoulder. Now he's just being an immature boy.

"You being saddlesore, that's what," Applejack answered, gently nudging him with her head. "I know it's rough, of course it is, but it won't all be bad."

If she ever lost that hope, what would be left? She didn't like to think about it, so she didn't.

"Maybe. Who's to say?"

He sprawled backwards on the ground behind him, splaying out his arms and legs. "Do you ever think about romance, Applejack?" he asked curiously.

"Romance?"

Applejack looked awfully puzzled. She tilted her head to the side, as if in thought.

"Maybe. But I don't really go after it, you know? Anypony that came around would be on the other end of Big Mac's hooves faster than you can say special somepony."

She chuckled and shook her head. "Besides, where am I gonna find somepony? The only stallion around is my brother, if you haven't noticed."

"I didn't mean on the ship, or at least not specifically. Just wondered if there was secretly a romantic heart beating under that down-to-earth sensible pony exterior." He grinned up at the false sky, folding his arms behind his head. "Not that I'm surprised there's not. Or saying that's a bad thing."

"I'm not ruling it out just yet. Maybe someday. But there's a lot more important stuff to be doing in the meantime," she insisted.

"What about you?"

"I'm starting to think it's simply not possible for me," he said, shrugging. "Or maybe I've just already had my luck in that department and used it up."

"Bad luck can't keep you down forever," Applejack scoffed. "Good luck won't last forever either. You just work hard and do the best you can. Things'll change, slower than you want 'em to, but you'll probably have another chance down the line."

She understood the feeling, though. "But it's lonely here, ain't it? No time for that with what we're doing."

"More like every time I try to flirt with a girl she ends up repodded," Morgan said with an amused smirk. "Well. Better that than dead, I suppose. I was beginning to think that was the only option."

That really was sad. Applejack lowered her head. "That's true. I'm glad they're all right."

She definitely caught the reference to dead love interests. That was just about the saddest thing she ever heard. "So if you did like a gal...would you tell them?"

"Good question." He shrugged. "There's a mile of difference between flirting with someone and actually admitting honest interest, and I can do the one fine, but the other... I don't know."

"'Cause then your heart's right out in the open." Applejack could understand that. It was hard---sometimes she liked to pretend nothing could drag her down. But somepony outright kicking her out would hurt a lot.

"I don't know. The way things are here, the way we might never get a chance again? I'd tell them if I had them."

"I figure you probably have the right of it," Morgan said. Calling her more innocent was wrong... more uncomplicated, perhaps, and thus better able to see through the heart of matters to what matters most. "But that assumes I know my own feelings well enough to be sure of them. I thought I did, but today has made me doubt."

"Today?" Applejack bit her lip in worry. "Did I...?"

"Don't be silly!" Morgan said, sitting up to give her a playful one-handed shove. "I mean the fact that I'm so torn up over not just this, but all of my losses in general, means I have to wonder if I was ever really as accepting of those losses as I thought I was."

"Meaning..." Applejack mulled his words over in her head. "You really needed to let it all out today, huh?"

That was all right. She'd stay by him if he needed her to. She had experience with this sort of thing.

"I guess." He sighed, lowering his hands back to his lap again and looking down. "I don't like how I feel, but that doesn't change the fact that it is</> how I feel. The question is, how do I find a way to feel differently, right now?"

"Maybe you just oughta let it go," Applejack suggested, resting her head over her leg. "I don't mean just dropping it, just...feel for a while until you're sick of it. Then it'll be easy to peel off."

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