We've got Movie Sign! [Open]

[zouichi.livejournal.com]

Deep from the dank, dark bowels of the Media Library... IT CAME! FROM THE CELLULOID!

Five terrible movies guaranteed to give you CHILLS! THRILLS! Or maybe just, I dunno, a vague sense that the universe has wronged you somehow and you want several hours of your life back.

Today, anyone walking into this particular Sensorium would be greeted by the sight of a late 20th century darkened movie theatre, playing a quintuple-feature consisting of old Earth movies that were honestly not very good. At the bottom of the seating area was some dude giving out free popcorn, candy, and drinks.

Howard, Zouichi, Allenby, and Jr. were around, and anyone else was welcome to walk in and join in.

[each of the movies is listed below, just tag in wherever you want. I put a small link in each movie's post so you can have some idea of what the movie is about, although honestly I would say that the movies themselves often do not actually know what they are about. All threads are open unless labeled 'closed'.

P.S. I'M SO SORRY I SHOULD HAVE PUT THIS UP EARLIER]

Comments

Super Mario Bros: The Movie

[cityship]

[trailer here]

Re: Super Mario Bros: The Movie

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Howard's never been the Nintendo type. He always gravitated more towards arcade games and Playstation, indulging in a steady diet of Ratchet & Clank, Mortal Kombat and Spyro as a kid before getting an XBox when he was eleven. Still, you don't make it to your teens in suburban America without being at least passingly familiar with Mario.

This is not Mario. This is Bob Hoskins dragging Mario's name around through goo and talking mushrooms and 'goombas' that look like what would happen if someone decided to make club bouncers out of pleather handbags.

"Does Princess Peach just not exist in this movie?" Howard asks, choosing between whether to start devouring popcorn, a slushie, or gummi worms.

Re: Super Mario Bros: The Movie

[zouichi.livejournal.com]

"Who's Princess Peach?" asked Zouichi, staring dubiously at one of Howard's gummi worms. The 'Super' in Super Mario Bros. seems to suggest that they're superheroes of some kind.

"Are the Super Mario Brothers also X-Men?"

Re: Super Mario Bros: The Movie

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Oh boy. So Zouichi's not even getting the full impact of why this movie is so awful. Well, aside from the fact that it's just objectively awful, with an incoherent storyline, terrible acting, and dialogue that would make a ten year-old cringe.

I mean for God's sake it starts with this animated sequence.

"They're videogame characters, not superheroes. They're plumbers who travel through little green pipes to eat mushrooms and jump on giant turtles who kidnap Princess Peach. And sometimes they wear tanuki suits, which I guess are sort of like flying raccoons."

Howard goes for the slushie first, having successfully explained the totally logical and coherent world of Mario to Zou.

Re: Super Mario Bros: The Movie

[zouichi.livejournal.com]

That. Didn't explain anything, Howard.

"But... plumbing pipes are too small for a human to traverse. And why would they eat mushrooms growing in the sewers?"

What is going on.

[warriorraceguy.livejournal.com]

In the meantime, there was an alien sitting relatively nearby and watching with polite (though somewhat bewildered) curiosity. What was he seeing? He thought he was managing to keep up with the rudimentary attempts the film was making toward a plot, but he couldn't be sure.

Luckily, he wasn't alone. He leaned forward a bit.

"Pardon my asking, but surely this is not an accurate portrayal of Earth history?" He just had to ask, as the young male with the dark skin seemed to have a reasonable grasp of what was happening.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"Because the mushrooms give them superpowers. God, Zou, get with the times. Oh, and sometimes they use flowers instead." He'll have to teach Zouichi to play videogames in the Sensoriums sometime. He's pretty sure, from watching Zouichi demolish (literally) the shooter game in the arcade that he'd be good at FPS games.

Howard jumps a little as he notices the nature (and stature) of the guy behind him. Someone's seriously been eating his wheaties. "Um, no. Not at all. I mean, maybe it's the accurate history of some Earth, but not the one this movie is from. It's what happens when you get a bunch of writers in a room and ask them to come up with a backstory in thirty seconds."

[zouichi.livejournal.com]

Howard why don't your explanations explain anything.

Zouichi glanced over at N'tho. "There were plumbers on Earth, and pipes. And mushrooms. However, the mushrooms on my Earth did not bestow any superpowers."

[warriorraceguy.livejournal.com]

N'tho wasn't really sure what a backstory was, but he decided he already looked like a big enough idiot asking questions to begin with. He made a slightly disgusted scoffing noise.

"Fungus is a disgusting food choice," he replied. "All that it bestows is stomach illness."

In the meantime he was doing the Sangheili equivalent of frowning sternly at the portrayal of the sewers. (This was a somewhat less relaxed configuration of his mandibles that meant nothing to anybody else, unfortunately.)

"Did those who made this never go into a sewer?"

He had. It wasn't much fun but sometimes these things happened when you were purging planets of a species.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"Hey, don't diss mushrooms. The ones that don't make you sick are edible, and I got no complaints about them." Howard props his feet up on the back of the seat in front of him, figuring N'tho is more than tall enough to see over such an obstruction.

"Good point. How is Princess Daisy wandering through a sewer without getting all grimy? And where the heck is Yoshi?"

Howard is going to be so disappointed by Yoshi.

[zouichi.livejournal.com]

Zouichi listened to N'tho's comment about fungus with interest. "Are you unable to digest fungi?" Yes, this was obviously more important than the movie.

"Who's Yoshi?"

[warriorraceguy.livejournal.com]

N'tho paused. Was this considered a weakness? Perhaps. But then again, perhaps not. He'd be truthful.

"I cannot," he confirmed in a mutter, then returned his attention to Howard. "Yoshi" was an entirely unfamiliar word, but it appeared to be a name. Humans, he recalled, were not courteous enough to include their clans in their names.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"Yoshi's the dinosaur that Mario rides on and...holy shit that is not Yoshi."

Yoshi has been turned from 'the best part of the game' to 'ugly wimpy slave dinosaur with dead, dead eyes'. Howard stares on in relative horror before turning back to N'tho. "So what's your name, Big Guy?"

[zouichi.livejournal.com]

Zouichi did not understand how this movie was about plumbers who rode dinosaurs.

"My name is Kanoe Zouichi," he offered, giving N'tho a nod of acknowledgment. "But Zouichi is fine. May I ask what you can digest?"

[warriorraceguy.livejournal.com]

"N'tho 'Sraom." He dipped his head formally. "I am Sangheili, and proper food is food that must be killed."

Not that he'd had the luxury of actual meat in several years.

"What is a dinosaur? Is this an imaginary creature, then?"

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Howard actually sorts that that's Zou's first question.

"You sound so picky," Howard says with a shake of his head. "And your name sounds like a tonguetwister. I'm Howard."

[zouichi.livejournal.com]

"A dinosaur is a prehistoric earth animal, generally taking the form of a land-going reptile. The most famous of them were quite large. We ran into some on a mission once."

And it was the best, okay.

[carrieswar.livejournal.com]

"Is that really not Yoshi?" Jr. asked Howard as he tapped his chin. "I mean, the special effects back then aren't that good, but ... I think it looks pretty cool."

Jr. was obviously not familiar with what Yoshi really was.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"Have you ever actually seen Yoshi?" Howard places a hand in front of his face as if trying to actually block the image of live-action Yoshi from infecting him. "Yoshi doesn't look like a dead-eyed velociraptor. I mean, forget it. My stuffed velociraptor looks more alive than that thing."

[carrieswar.livejournal.com]

"Nope." Jr. shook his head. "You said he's a dinosaur, right? Isn't that how they're supposed to look?"

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"Yeah, but that looks like a real dinosaur. You know, the kind that eats teenagers. Yoshi's supposed to be cute and adorable and eat apples and cactus dudes." Howard scowls at the screen.

[chosenlightchld.livejournal.com]

Hikari blinked, looking over at the screen and the horrible not cute-ness that the movies version of Yoshi was. "How... how could they make Yoshi look like that? Did they even play the games at all?"

Hikari didn't really play video games that often, and was way too young to remember Super Mario World from when it was new, but god, even she knew that was done completely wrong.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"I think they just hated children," Howard says, sounding a little shell-shocked. That's not an undue conclusion about the film.

"So. How about that mission?"

[chosenlightchld.livejournal.com]

Hikari smiled, nodding a bit. "That... well, I can believe that."

Sure, she was joking a bit, the movie probably wasn't that bad, though it was still horrible. But yes, change of topic.

"It went pretty well," she said. "We did exactly what we were supposed to do and helped them cure that disease before most of them infected with it died. I've been involved in fights that have gone way worse for us than that."

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

The movie is that bad.

"I didn't even get half as banged up as I usually do on missions. So I guess, in a weird way, that was the best mission I ever been on." He shrugs. "Was that guy like a comic book supervillain or what?"