trans_9 | [Locked to Paco and Jaime, and Later to Kon]

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[Locked to Paco and Jaime, and Later to Kon]

((Directly after this, before the Yeerk Trial.))

It took awhile to find him, just because the ship was so big, but eventually Paco found Jaime messing around in Special Weapons, tinkering with something.

"Dude," he said, knocking on the edge of the door. "I'm calling in best friend rights."

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"Ehhhh..." Paco tipped his hand back and forth. "I wish I could've, yeah. I'd have liked to avoid all that. But I did what I could, you know? Even if all I could do was harass Subby and screw with his aim."

He grimaced. "I just feel...scuzzy. Like he left a layer of slime on my brain. I just want to scour out the inside of my head."

"Yeah, well, that little handtwitch and you screwing with his aim saved my life," Jaime says. "Everything I do now, every person I help, I'm only going to be able to do it because you fought hard enough. And even if you'd fought that hard and it hadn't been enough, I'd have known how hard you were fighting. I don't think you and Brenda can really understand how much stuff like that means to me."

His mouth quirks thoughtfully.

"And nothing he did belongs to you, Paco. All the dirt and slime is his. It's all on him. But I know how--"

Biting his lip, he says, "Khaji and I, we're good now, but in the beginning--I don't know, you feel...violated, I guess. Like something's moved in and used something that should only be yours. In a way worse way than some random guy using your towel in the gym. For you, I can't even imagine what it must have been like, because even though it was kinda freaky and horrible in the beginning--"

"--Even though it was kinda bad in the beginning with that feeling, scarab is no Yeerk. But you still have that...'this is my body, this is my space, these are my thoughts, this should be where I'm safe, the one thing I should always have as my own' feeling. And I imagine it had to be a million times worse when the one prying in was like that. It is a violation. It makes you feel slimy. Like almost in the 'creepy old guy in the park is watching you play on the jungle gym a little too long' kinda way."

"I already talked about this with Brenda, I know nothing he did is my fault," Paco said, rolling his eyes a little. "Not that I don't appreciate the idea behind what you're saying, but really, I got it. It's his ooze on my brain, I'm all over that.

" 'Violated' is a good word for it, I guess," he admitted, wrapping his arms around his ribcage. Not that he'd ever say that to anyone else, but this was Jaime. "It's gross and scuzzy and I'd really like a shower that doesn't involve tentacles or whatever the hell the suits do to keep us clean." He sighed. "I'm dealing pretty well over all, I just wish it could be dealt with faster. And I'm going to get called up on that stupid stand for the trial, and I really would have liked to avoid that too." Paco made a face. "The whole thing just feels like sticking my hand in a bucket of hot barf right now."

"First of all, that's an amazing, if super gross analogy. Gold star."

He can't help but admire his best friend's way with words sometimes. For someone that's failed a lot of English tests, Paco's pretty witty, if crude.

"Secondly, it... I can't say I know exactly what it's like--nicer symbiote, for one--but you...you start to realize that even if it was in there, digging around, there's still a part of you that's deeper. That it would never be able to worm its way into. It still hasn't touched who you are. Maybe he could read your thoughts, mess with them, maybe he could control your body, but there's a part of you he could never touch, and never change, that's still safe, still...clean. It always will be. It was the person fighting inside and making a hand twitch, and that part is right here talking to me now afterward. That part is safe. Clean. Still yours. That he didn't break or touch, that he would've never been able to break or touch. There's some comfort in that, I think."

It's not something Jaime talks about much, the scarab is nowhere near as bad as the Yeerks, and he and Khaji have long since made their peace, and are even friends with each other, but it is a violation of self. It never stops being one, never stops feeling a little...weird and scuzzy. To deal with it, you have to have a strong sense of self.

"Always good to hear the appreciation," Paco said with a smirk. Just because he didn't test well didn't make him stupid.

He made a thoughtful noise, rolling the idea around in his mind. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I think that's why I'm going to be okay. And I know I'm going to be okay eventually. I think...I think it's because when it came down to wire, I was good enough, you know? I kept the sub-visser from shooting you. So I got a victory out of the whole thing. If I hadn't been able to..." He shook his head sharply and waved the idea off. "I'm not touching that. Not going to do the what-if thing."

"It's not a good place to go, and... and with all of this, if the absolute worst ever happened, anytime, it'd be okay. I have trouble convincing myself that sometimes, that it's..."

He's so sorry, Nadia. He's so, so sorry.

"Okay. That bad things just...happen. So now it's just going to take the time part, I think."

Paco knew that face. That was the "Jaime is feeling guilty about something" face. He reached over and pulled his friend into a hug.

"Yeah," he said quietly. "Sometimes life just punches you in the neck. Takes recovery time."

Jaime hugs him right back, tightly. What? You're not a real man unless you can hug your friend and brother without being secure as all hell about it, but then it's also a cultural thing. Everybody and their tío knows it's okay to hug. It's just, if you hug in some of some white dudes, they have messed up ideas about what it means 'cause some of 'em tend to be a bit on the insecure and homofóbico side, so he and Paco never do it in public around people their own age (except maybe Brenda).

Bah, it's stupid. Hugs are good.

"You're gonna be okay."

Now the guilt sets in.

"Lo siento. I should have known. If scarab's sensors could work in this place--aah, I'm sorry. I know I promised no guilt."

Pfft, not hugging was for wusses and idiots who were insecure in their masculinity. Real men hugged.

"I'm gonna be okay," Paco agreed. He was going to be okay. They were all going to be okay.

"De nada, amigo." He grinned a little. "You gotta be you."

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[Locked to Paco and Jaime, and Later to Kon]

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