trans_9 | Alcohol, the alternative to feeling like myself

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Alcohol, the alternative to feeling like myself

The world was busy, and so fast. Always moving faster then Orc could move, or think. It seemed like life was passing in the slow solid blinks of his beady little eyes.

Ever since Howard's death he didn't feel as compelled to be useful. To take care of himself. What was the point really? They were all going to die sooner or later. And it's not like he deserved that second chance Howard was always going on about.

Howard...how long had it been? Between the drinking and Stacy's own peculiar grasp of time he had lost track.

But it didn't matter. All that mattered was forgetting. Forgetting where he was, forgetting what he was. Forgetting about Howard, Betty, home.

And so he kept drinking. And he kept moving. To stay in one place for too long risked trouble. People finding him, feeling bad for him. They were just being nice. But he didn't deserve nice. Not after what he'd done.

The city was perfect for this because there was so much of it. He didn't move fast, and he got tired easily. But he had plucked the beertree clean and drug a cooler with him. One of Howard's last gifts. Maybe Howard had more beer in the warehouse...he would have to stop there and see.

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"Of course you! Howard was your best friend, and he looked after you all the time. Of all the people that were going to be affected by him dying, you're on the top of the list. So of course I'm worried about you."

She was as worried about him as she would be for Howard, after all.

Her explanation did not clear things up for him. If anything it just made things more difficult to process. "But you don't know me." As if that was the only reason anyone would help anyone.

"Howard told me a little bit about you, but I'll admit it: I don't know as much as I'd like to. I'll admit something else too: the last time we spoke about you, it was an argument. I was asking Howard if there was a way to wean you from beer. It may have been a fight, but if there was anything I understood from it, it was how much Howard cared about you."

She sighed. "And because of that, I want to know more about you, look after you if you'll let me."

That was alot to take in. Somehow it seemed strange to Orc that Howard would be talking about him with other people. But that's what people did right? Talk about their friends? Still was weird.

And why would she want him off the beer if she'd never met him? Why should she care? What had Howard told her for that matter? Was she just one of those busybodies like the ladies at church who were always in one anothers business?

"Whatever." He answered noncommittal because he simply did not understand why she would care one way or the other. Maybe she was like the social worker that had come by their house when he was little. Yeah that's who she reminded him of. His parents hated the Social worker.

"Sounds stupid out loud, doesn't it?" Kaya said. "Me, someone you never met, being able to stop you from doing something you were doing back in your world. If anything, being friends with Howard demonstrated something important: if I forget that our worlds make us what we are and have a way of staying there, I'll not know who I am."

She sighed. "I forgot you both lived through the FAYZ. I forgot that sometimes, situations get so bad that the luck you have is what you force out of nowhere, and you can only hope its in your favor. I was lucky to have a group of friends in my world who made it a mission to make things right. But sometimes, life is much worse than even I could conceive it to be."

Her shoulders slumped. "I...I try to save everyone, or at least help them if I can. And the dumb thing is, even if I do, somehow these people are taken away, by podding or by death. So as you can see, who am I to tell someone how they should live their life?"

Orc listened silently while she confessed her intentions and finally after she'd been finished for a moment responded, "You talk alot."

He rose to his feet finally with what seemed like a great force of effort. Whatever he had taken away from her explanation was kept to himself.

Kaya laughed. "Yes, I do, don't I? Sorry about that!"

She got up too, dusting herself off, bending some water from the faucet to wash her face.

While she did that he shuffled for the door having to turn his body so he could fit through the door frame. Hangover free now was the time to indulge once more till he couldn't be bothered by all the thoughts swirling about in his head.

Kaya followed him, and then made a gesture for him to let her pass.

He paused obediently holding still so she could pass. He was always much more careful about how he moved when he was sober. Any extra force could be damaging.

She smiled, gave him a polite bow...and then proceeded to widen the space by knocking the door neatly off the frame. She was happy enough it did: she hadn't practiced her kicking in awhile.

"Maybe we can pop over to that amusement park sometime. It is fun."

Orc simply stared in shock at how strong the kick had been. She didn't look like she had that much muscle on her. Was she super powered as well? If he had been paying attention maybe he could remember what Howard had said.

Brought back into the moment he tried to visualize the park she was talking about. "Huh?"

Kaya was fairly decent muscles, but she had also done really good work on her legs, since they had needed the workout. It had also helped in her training with Sheaana that she learn how to channel her strength and fluidity in movement to hit things in its most vulnerable spot.

"The amusement park. Haven't you ever been?"

Orc shook his head. He barely remembered seeing it. The way he'd been living it could have been a dream.

" I'm probably too heavy for the rides." He pointed out sullenly.

Kaya thought about this a moment.

"In that case, why don't we both go into the Sensoriums and ride them? That way you can look like how you did when you weren't like this?"

"No."

The answer was sharp and short. He absolutely wouldn't indulge in that lie. He knew that it would hurt worse the minute he left the Sensorium and it was all over.

"That guy's gone." He finally grumbled after composing himself.

"All right." Kaya was still collected, though she could at least sense the hurt in his voice, and what must be going on in his head.

"Then the Sensorium could at least compensate for your weight. I figure things hold you back here, and I can understand that. But you ought to get the chance to enjoy yourself."

"Maybe some other time." If you had asked Orc before the FAYZ if he ever thought he'd be turning down a chance to go to a theme park with a pretty girl he probably would have punched you. But as it stood right now he was in no mood for fun. With his head clear of drunken haze he could think clearly and none of the thoughts were pleasant or encouraging.

"All right."

Kaya gazed at him a moment. A part of her, she knew, was still trying to get over the loss of Howard, so it wasn't a big jump to assume she was only doing this to ease her conscience. But the more she watched him, the more she wanted to do MORE, thought that the ship could offer him more than just being drunk. She understood he was a kid of the FAYZ, that he was NOT Howard and coped with things his own way. Was that really fair?

Could she be all right just leaving him alone and assuming he would be ok?

"Orc," she said, "if there's a place you ever want to hang, or just want to get away from people...here."

She handed him a key card. "In the city you'll find a big bus, its where I live. The only way you can get in is with this card. It's a magic bus, bigger than it looks. As long as you don't trash the place...you're welcome here, ok?"

Orc looked at the card, then at her "A magic bus?" It seemed funny to him that a magic bus seemed odd after everything else he'd seen and been through. Then again there was that TV show about the magic bus from when he was a kid. Maybe this one transformed too.

He didn't know if he would ever use it but he pocketed the card. Kaya was a good person, too good for her to be wasting time on someone like him. "Thank you, you're really nice."

"You'll know it when you see it, trust me," Kaya laughed. "The guy who owned it was really nice too. I wish you had a chance to meet him. It was really hard to not like him, actually."

And Kaya would know, likely more than most people.

"Just don't be afraid to ask me to hang, ok? I won't be able to every time, with working at medbay and all, but I'll do my best!"

Orc looked back at the card thinking hard, or at least it looked that way with his brow furrowed in concentration.

"Why?" He asked finally.

Good question.

"Because," she finally said, "no one should have to be alone."

Something about that simple sentence was heartbreaking.

"Maybe." He grunted and began to trudge away. "Maybe not."

But he held the card tight as he struggled with conflicting emotions.

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Alcohol, the alternative to feeling like myself

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