trans_9 | Denial? Just a little bit.

Entry tags:

Denial? Just a little bit.

Who: Kaya, open to all.
Where: Sensoriums
Summary: Ed not remembering her is sort of the last straw, so she's getting her aggressions out.
Warnings: Um. Are there any? TBA, I guess?

But so much for that now. Right now Kaya, who had had a pretty bad last few months, found the last straw was bringing Ed back and having him not even recognizer her had been the last straw. Now she was just standing here, around a background of water and streams, and she was moving in a combination.

First there was her own bending. Smooth, flowing each movement into the other, legs supporting the base as arms and shoulders tensed and drew forward, calling the water up and around her, making waves into developed whips, turning that into solid substances and back again.

And then, when the Bene Gesserit came into play, that slowed but accurate action became quick, deliberate fast. Her body become a putty oin increments as she geared for offensive kicks and movement, pushing her body to the limits here. There was no turning back, no moment of reflection.

At this moment, Kaya wondered what would become of her training, if they would form a base of strength and bending even she didn't fully understand yet. She would put aside those feelings of helplessness, of pain she could not do more.

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"He'll take it if its me and Ronnae, trust me," Kaya said, with a hint of a smile. "He knows what the consequences are if he works himself too much. Heck, we've had to get on each other's cases when we've both done that. But the bottom line is he'll do whatever he can."

Kaya nodded. "Azula is frightening and dangerous and insulting. But I woudl never allow her to feel alone. I'm glad you'll be seeing her out too."

Anwei smiled back. "I only hope that he can return the favor someday, and rap me when I'm working too hard and tell me to ... go fly a kite, maybe." Or whatever.

"Well, I have my nice new fireproof pants, might as well put them to good use." She slapped her palm against one hip. "New before I was repodded, at least."

"I have a feeling he'll be doing that, actually," Kaya said. "He's actually gotten very protective of me and Ronnae, so it only follows he'll do that for his friend too!"

Kaya raised an eyebrow. "Wait, fireproof pants? That's a thing?"

Anwei rubbed the back of her head sheepishly, as though expecting the rap to descend at any moment. "Hopefully we don't end up in a feedback loop, where each of us tries to get the other to relax."

Anwei raised her right leg high, holding it steady with the opposite hand, and tugged at the heavy gray cloth of her pants. "Yes, Reinforce made them for me, to go with the jacket. A lot of military clothing is fireproof where I come from. And I couldn't help but think," she put her leg down, "that when I first podpopped, Megamind tried to set me on fire. And the next podpop, Azula was throwing fire around. And the podpop after that, there was that very impressive red fellow, with the lady who was on fire. And with this latest podpop, there was a dragon, and fire, and so on. It's starting to become a pattern - or maybe a cliche. So I thought it was best to be prepared."

Of course she could skip the podpops, but what if she missed meeting someone she knew?

"I think when it comes down to it? When we actually will need to use our talents and exhaust ourselves, we'll have others to help pull up the slack. I think we'll know when that happens, though."

Kaya shook her head. "I really should have gotten something from Rein. I got a really excellent shield from Daja, but I don't think I ever asked Rein for anything. Now that I know she could make something like this, I wish I'd have gone to her. I wonder if Rarity, the pony fashion designer, could create anything like that."

She chuckled at Anwei's recollections. She thought she might actually know most of the people that Anwei mentioned. "You know, I'm always game for a training session too. I'd like you to see the W.I.T.C.H. bus."

"We've certainly run close enough to the edge of collapse to be familiar with it, yes. I suppose I should make certain that everything I know how to do is documented in multiple places, and that I teach anyone who is willing to learn my job."

Maybe she could actually take a DAY OFF once in a while!

Anwei combed back through her memories. "I don't think that she used the whole bolt of cloth to make these, but I'm not sure. And if she did, some cloth can be coated with fire-resistant chemicals. Rarity should be able to make you something."

Anwei gave a short bow. "I'd always be happy to train with you, or to train others."

"And in that case, I'm pretty sure you won't have a lack of people who wouldn't want to try and help things on the ship. We are all in this together, and someone's got to have a heard for all of the things you can do!"

Yeah, Kaya only need to know how you overexert yourself and be aware you're going to see a lot more of her.

She listened with rapt attention here. "I'd be grateful. I don't think Azula is going to be burning me anytime soon, but you can never tell, with what missions we get and what we have to do."

She smiled. "I'll hold you to that, if that's all right. I think right now we could use some training."

"New podpop, new people. I'll try to circulate more, and see if anyone who just arrived has computing knowledge. There was at least one artificial sentient that I saw - that is, if it wasn't an organic brain in a casing. I didn't think to ask," she said, eyes wide at her own rudeness.

Missions - always an unpleasant thought. "The better each of us is prepared, the better we are prepared to help each other." Another Horanckk saying, but a lot of what he had taught her had been very useful here.

Anwei made a see-sawing gesture with her hands. "I should tell you in advance, if we're practicing hand-to-hand combat - I'm trying to rework some of my habits. Some reflexes that I were taught aren't practical anymore, and I may end up shouting 'Stop!' at inconvenient moments. Just so you know." She remembered the taste of Morgan Knight's neck, and kept her mouth from watering - only just.

"I think its a lot for people to take in, both the new ones and the old. The trouble is getting all of the information that we know now out there. People are really scared now that something is going to happen to them if they speak out. We have to find a way to gradually get people used to what's expected, and what they can do."

She nodded. "Which is why I want the Outsiders forming again. If there's some skills that some are lacking, we could help them see their full potential. I agree with getting others prepared, and educated."

Kaya grinned. "Got it. As it is, I have to train constantly so that my bending and my abilities as a sister in the Bene Gesserit manner of fighting compliment each other if I can incorporate them to each other. I'm sure you learned plenty of things too!"

"Since I'm writing documentation on what my job entails, I should also write what I know and make multiple copies. Put them here and there, so that the next person after me doesn't have to start from nothing."

And if that information included some less-than-kind words about - certain people she should NOT think about here - so be it.

"Always glad to help. Anything that can give structure to people's lives here will help - otherwise they will end up losing focus." Not to mention getting out of shape.

Anwei looked slightly embarrassed. "I did not learn as much as I should have, now that I go back and think on it. I was in the Clerical division, I didn't do many field missions, but - there were things that I should have taken the time to un-learn. So now I will. And teach what I have learned."

"I think that's a good idea! To be honest, the Outsiders was something formed with two guys that I knew from earlier, and inherited once they left. I think I should talk with some of the good guys in managing a team."

That would at least be a good place to start. It wasn't as if Kaya had the run of anything other than being in med bay.

"Trust me, the last thing I want is for anyone to get out of shape. Clerical division? I never heard of that. Was it something that I missed? And what did you have to unlearn to be successful?"

"Um," Anwei actually scuffed her toe against the ground in almost a parody of embarrassment, "before I was here, when I was in the Vizsnunishne Mercenaries - I wasn't a fighter or anything. I was in the Clerical Division. I was an accountant. And back on my homeworld, fighting was very frequent and often ended in injury or death. I need to learn how to fight without focusing too much on hurting people excessively."

She remembered Epicurea, again: the girl falling into the arena, the long strings of blood trailing from her wounds, and how she had wanted to leap after her, ignore the multiple dangers and just... She slammed the mental door shut on that.

"An accountant? I have to admit, I have a hard time seeing you as one right now, but if that's what you say you are, who am I to argue something different? Then again, there was war and unrest anyway. the only way you didn't fight is if you kept quiet and allowed yourself to be beaten."

Which, Kaya mused, was not the way she wanted to live, not ever.

"I much preferred being an accountant, to being on my homeworld." She said that a little softly. She'd felt safe, behind her desk, among the mercenaries, with light-decades between her and her people. "But with the Vizsnunishne, I also served war. Sometimes we fought for justice, and sometimes not.

"And now we apparently are fighting for everything. And none of us can afford to bow our heads and keep quiet."

Not even her.

"Trust me, the idea of not having to be a part of wars and lies is a pretty enticing one," Kaya said. "But it can also be pretty painful, knowing that if I were to indulge in that notion, so much would go past me. But you're right: we are fighting for everything now. For me, I don't intend on keeping quiet. I want to get involved as much as I can."

Even if it meant pain later on.

"And I would be involved with you, Kaya. I've spent too long hiding behind a computer screen, hoping for someone to find me. I'd prefer not to die and have the last record of my life be 'Well, she maintained a solid data inventory.'"

She rolled her eyes outwards. "And if I manage to duck Death's swoop until the war is done and won, that would also be nice."

Kaya chuckled. "To be honest, I felt the same way about becoming a nurse. I wanted to, I really did, but it takes a lot of dedication and studying, and that takes away from my actual time fighting and training. I don't mind healing, and I always feel connected to my bending that way, but at the end of the day, bending really is my life."

This would get a nod from her. "I have no intention to die anytime soon. There's still so much in the universe I haven't seen yet."

She looked off into the distance for an instant. "To be honest, if you asked me 'what is your life?,' I don't know what I would answer. I haven't really looked. Most of my time has been spent un-making the life I was raised to." And trying to undo the damage. Some of it.

"What I've seen has been beautiful, but I know now that my experiences are only the smallest fraction of what there is to see." She gestured at the Water Tribe scenery around them. "Like this. I've never seen buildings made of water on a planet - if that's what they are. Is this from your homeworld?"

"I was lucky to know what I wanted to do," Kaya confessed. "I know that most people have so many things happen that shapes them, and I was lucky enough to be born with my ability. What I do with it, how I can help others, that's the real fun."

For lack of a better word.

She nodded. "On a part of it, anyway. This is what the Northern Water Tribe looks like. Or, looked like, I guess."

"I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to leave home, get married, and have lots of children, and live on Fle surrounded by luxury for all my days. But that was the wrong thing for me to want." The corners of her mouth drew far down. "The price was too high. Now I have to see what new path I can find."

Hopefully she would not have to go alone on that path.

"It's very beautiful. I suppose that with talents like yours, one person could build a building out of ice in very short order. Or a wall, or a bridge. Formidable."

"I wanted something like that, actually," Kaya said, smiling. "Still do, actually, and I have a man who's the only one who ever made me think it could happen. But back at him, and even now, that's only a short lived version of happiness. So long as we know that war is right over out heads and can take us at any time, who would want to play things safe?"

She knew she couldn't. Not now.

Kaya laughed. "Are you kidding? One person would still take a long time! You need several people, and they have to be very accomplished in their craft. These buildings were all made out of tender loving care. But yes, bending does afford us at least something strong to guide us in many ways."

"You can be safe. Or you can be free. But you can't be both. Horanckk told me that, once...But once you've been free, you can't go back to the safety you had before. It's not the same. It feels like blindness, like being smothered."

Even if she recreated Fle, somehow, she would not be going back. Or if she did, it would only be to destroy her world and all its people, for the good of the universe.

She shrugged. "I'm afraid your talents are quite alien to me; I don't know how they scaled. Is there an upper limit on how much one person can bend, then?"

"In my case? I've lived life safe, and I've lived it free. I prefer the latter over the former. That bad thing about being here is that we literally ARE living both. We know there's a war, we know we have to fight, but we also have a degree of safety, enough that we know, whether we face it or not, that we're being lied to."

Kaya nodded. "Bending is like anything you learn: it takes skill and strength and dedication, not to mention energy. Even a bender can get tired if they overextend themselves."

She glanced aside, picturing the caverns full of pods. "We aren't safe, not while our friends and family are hostages. Not while this Bleed erodes our souls - if that IS what's going on - so that any of us can be repodded at any time. Freedom of information, that is what we're missing. We don't even know what our enemy is doing, or why."

Now wouldn't it be embarrassing if it turned out the Ohm attacks were just some elaborate ritual that made dimensions invulnerable to penetration from the outside, and invisible as well?

"At least with all the humidity in the air here, you are never without the tools of your trade." As it were.

Kaya quietly internalized this. It was hard enough, knowing who was dead, but when person after person she cared about and loved went into the pods, her morale would fall pretty low, and made her wonder if it was worth it to form so many bonds with so many people.

Of course, she'd think of Billy or Nokosi currently and remember that even if they were podded tomorrow, despite sadness she was happy to know them.

"Yes, and that's why I'm starting to wonder if I should just start finding ways to prepare others somehow. I feel like what we've been doing the past few years is coming to a close. i don't know why, but I feel, soon, we'll finally find out the truth."

She smiled. "Trust me, nothing makes me happier. I'm glad that I also know how to defend myself even without my bending."

Denial? Just a little bit.

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