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trans_92009-07-20 11:35 pm
demonbloodsam.livejournal.com) wrote in trans_92009-07-20 11:35 pm
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Say What You Want [R for Cussing][Open]
Yes, Sam Winchester was still secure in his cell, sitting on his bed, still writing in John Winchester's journal as he had been for much of the time since he'd been locked up. A stack of uneaten slop trays sat outside his cell, a sign that he was still not eating. The only nourishment he would take came from the silver flask of water that sat on the floor near the head of the bed that he had refilled periodically by either Dean or whoever was in the Precinct at the time.
He'd had several visitors, many of them trying to convince him to back down, to start eating again. But each time he had refused, defiantly resisting any and all efforts to change his mind or sway him into thinking he was wrong. He wasn't wrong. He knew it.
He'd had several visitors, many of them trying to convince him to back down, to start eating again. But each time he had refused, defiantly resisting any and all efforts to change his mind or sway him into thinking he was wrong. He wasn't wrong. He knew it.
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"I dunno," Sam said with biting sarcasm. "Maybe it has something to do with what the thing did. Yeah, that might be it."
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"Which was horrible. Obviously. But just because our situation is bad, doesn't mean we default to death. I mean just because you plotted someone else's murder doesn't mean we should default to death for you, even though you're capable of killing someone, have shown intent, and apparently think it's up to you to decide whether people should die or shouldn't for everyone's safety," Jaime says. "And you still haven't answered my question. What it did makes it a horrible person, but I'm still not seeing why it's not a person."
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"Now, if you wanna stand there and call me a murderer, be my guest. But when that thing gets out and does it all over again, you'll be the murderer. Not me, because all those people that get hurt, all those people that get killed, they're gonna be on your head."
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"You have a seriously jacked up worldview, man. I mean, do you listen to yourself? You think showing someone mercy when it's reasonable to--and by mercy I mean not even letting them to go free, but just imprisoning them without killing them in cold blood when they've surrendered--means if they hurt somebody else you're the murderer...wow."
He gestures with a hand.
"Look, I've run into my fair share of guilt moments. In the superhero business you are always blaming yourself. You weren't smart enough, you weren't fast enough, you didn't make the right choices. You showed mercy when you shouldn't have and didn't when you should've. It's always there, waiting, the guilt. That's why you learn to deal with it, and try not to let it cloud your judgment, try to keep it from letting you be too merciful or too cruel, instead of letting it cripple you. I know what it's like to deal with monsters. I know that sometimes you just want to--"
He swallows.
"You want to end them to make sure they never hurt anyone again. And maybe, sometimes, in some situations, maybe that could be the right thing to do. I hope I never have to make that choice. But sometimes it isn't. Do you always default to killing? Is it always that black and white? If any of the crew is forced to do something horrible to someone else or die themselves, should we kill them too if they do it?"
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"And cut the 'forced' crap. That thing wasn't 'forced' to do anything. The only ones who were forced were me, Paco and the others. All right? We were forced. That little bastard was in it all the way up to the neck it don't have."
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"And you're assuming a lot about it trying to hurt someone else again. Last I checked, you weren't one of the people on the ship that can read minds or see the future. Just because someone was made to be something bad, or programmed that way, or pressured into it out of fear doesn't mean they're evil."
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"Because I can tell you, it was a long ass time. Almost from the beginning. And she left us in there. She could have ended the whole thing months earlier by warning someone. And she didn't. No, she didn't act until she absolutely had to...not until the Yeerks were already getting their asses handed to them by the crew. So, if you're shootin for a character witness for this thing, I aim a little bit higher for someone--or something--a little more reliable than an accomplice."
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"Wow, I guess everyone's evil, huh. And irredeemable. Always. They can't make mistakes because they're afraid or because they want to make sure something goes right without someone getting hurt. If anyone every hurts anyone ever, they're evil and deserve to die. Is that how it goes?"
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"You're not lying, crazy, or either. You're ruthless. There's a difference," Jaime says. "Namely that it's a conscious choice. You've chosen to be this person. Maybe you had good reasons. You probably did, to protect people back where you're from. Maybe you even had to absolutely be this way or there would've been no chance at all you could do it. The problem is that you think you have to be this way, always, when we're not in the world we knew. Even I know that sometimes people here might have to kill, for everyone to be safe. I won't do it, but I understand it--I might even let it happen. I just disagree that this is one of those time. I also think you still haven't answered my question about why the Yeerk isn't just a bad person. People can do bad things and deserve death. You still haven't explained why the Yeerks aren't just really bad people."
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"FINE! They're really bad people. Is that what you want to hear?" Sam shouted, throwing his dad's journal across the cell and leaping to his feet. "Is that what you came down here for? Then fine, you got it. They're really bad people that crawl into people's heads and turn them into monsters. Really bad people that sneer at you while they're using you to throw some kid into a pool to watch him drown. Or that mock you for being too fucking weak to stop them from slamming some guys face into a building. Or that laugh at you while their friends hold you down every three days so they crawl back inside and do even more fucked up shit. Or that belittle you because, no matter how much you scream for help, no one can hear you."
As he ranted, Sam had made his way over to the bars and was staring down at the seated Jaime. "They're really bad fucking people, all right? The only good thing those fuckers ever did was shoot me in the head and finally put an end to that nightmare."
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"It wasn't your fault. What bad people do to you--and because you can't stop them. It's never your fault."
For someone that Sam's geared himself up to think is a patronizing dickhead, he looks neither ashamed of getting this worked up, nor like he thinks Sam is a bad person.
"I just... look, I can understand you thinking a bad person deserves to die to keep people safe. I don't agree with it in this case, but I understand it. My dad was in the army. He's killed people to keep people safe. Doesn't make him evil for doing it. The part I had a problem with was that someone who, for all intents and purposes seemed like a good person just trying to protect people, was talking like people weren't people. Wanting to kill guys for doing bad things--that's not evil. That's not even crazy--everyone wants to do that sometimes, even if they don't want to admit it. Dehumanizing the enemy, though, turning them into things rather than people--that's just...where it gets scary. Maybe it's easier to deal with it all, but it's still scary."
He frowns.
"I just--"
He shakes his head.
"I don't like thinking someone who I thought was a good person is that far gone." He looks back up at him. "We may not be on the same side on this one, but I still see us as on the same side."
Because they are.
"We're people that don't want to see other people get hurt. It's just we disagree about how to do it or who deserves a second chance."
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"Yeah, maybe we are," Sam conceded. He didn't think Jaime was a bad kid, just a pain in the ass sometimes, especially when it came to this strict 'no-killing' rule he and some of the others had.
"And maybe all that wasn't my fault because I couldn't stop it. But I can stop it from happening again...and if I don't everything that happens after that is my fault. Because I didn't do anything to stop it when I had the chance. And I'm not gonna let anyone else go through what I and the others went through. I won't let it happen. Never again."
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"Look, Sam, I understand the sentiment. Believe me, I do. I've been in that place, where it was--where stuff went out of control, and I tried my hardest and it wasn't good enough. People died. More than one."
Vista Verde. The hurricane.
"And I--"
Another deep breath.
"I really wanted to kill the person responsible," he admits. It's something he didn't even say to his dad. "I thought about what would happen if I didn't. And maybe it will be on my head if he breaks out of prison someday. It probably will be. But there is such thing as an overactive sense of guilt."
He shakes his head.
"And it's very easy to paint a species with a broad brush. There is no doubt in my mind that the Yeerk is guilty of conspiracy, of being complicit in a lot of crimes. But there's also no doubt in my mind that between a ton of superheroes, a freakton of geniuses, and a bunch of other smart people that we can't think of some way to make sure it's imprisoned a long-ass time. There's jettisoning from the ship in stasis, there's pocket dimensions, there's lots of freakish things we can figure out how to do that are way more surefire than just locking the thing up in a box. Why won't you let people at least try them? This goes beyond not trusting the Yeerk and not trusting our situation into not trusting the rest of the crew, too."
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"Not. Big. Enough.
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He seems to know something about this.
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"Still not big enough."
He seems to not be backing down. As far as Sam is concerned, any chance the Yeerk might get ever get free--no matter how minuscule--is too big.
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"If someone does something like what? You mean conspire with a bunch of people to take over the ship and kidnap, enslave, and try to kill as many crew members as they can along the way?" he said, pausing and pretending to ponder the question for a moment. "Um...I'm gonna have to say that would be a 'fuck yes.'"
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"If it was under duress then they weren't a willing participant," Sam replied, giving Jaime what appeared to be the first major concession in their argument. "But the only thing that says that Yeerk was under duress is that Yeerk and some memories Cybil thinks she has about her Yeerk thinking he was a coward. Being a chicken shit isn't an absolution of guilt.
"And the funny thing is, I seem to remember Schmuz and his host being pretty damn involved and pretty damned willing. He says he was afraid he'd be killed if he warned anyway, well, he wasn't under 100% surveillance either. Neither was Cybil's. If they were so goddamned against what was going on then they could have said something. They could have done something. And they didn't. They didn't do jack-ass-shit.
"The only thing you have that says he was under duress is him...now...after they're all dead and he's been caught and his life depends on it. Which means you're taking his word over mine and over everything else that says he was a willing part of everything.
"This isn't about black and white, this about not being suckered in by some bullshit sob story by someone who isn't even sorry for what he did, he's only sorry he got caught. And the fact that you guys are so quick to believe him over me and ignore everything else that says he was a part of it isn't just stupid, it's insulting."
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