I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE ISSSS [OPEN]

[angrynubs]

Who: Karkat and YOU.
Where: Right outside the Mess Hall
Summary: Romance troubles? Shhhhshoooshhshhshooosh Karkat is here.
Warnings: Language.

Karkat was bored.

After calming down from the reality of being kidnapped, he quickly found that being stuck on a giant, talking spaceship wasn't so different from being trapped in the veil--Stacy was just much, much bigger. There were things to occupy his time, of course. He and the other trolls still needed a hive, after all, and the City was certainly full of enough crap to salvage. Still, for being chosen, or whatever, there was surprisingly little action to be had since his arrival.

Obviously, that meant Karkat was going to make his own entertainment. As dumb as all these humans were, they at least gave him something to do. The best course of action would, naturally, solve many problems at once. Though it was entirely possible to build a sufficient Hive in the City out of all the junk left over from that SHODAN lady or whoever she was, lots of people on the ship meant lots of cool stuff that could potentially contribute to the Hive. Unfortunately, Karkat didn't have much to offer, but as much as he disliked hearing people whine about their problems, solving romantic issues was undoubtedly something he was good at. Perhaps offering that in exchange for cool stuff could not only benefit him, but act as a viable method to cure boredom.

So here he was, positioned outside the mess hall with a sign--one that said "ADVICE: ROMANTIC OR OTHERWISE" in big, bold letters. He was so totally serious about this.

This was a good plan.

Comments

[first_of_steel]

... huh.

Interesting sign. And, uh, interesting.... whatever the heck the kid was.

"Advice, huh?" said Roger. "Do you charge, or is this a public service?"

[angrynubs]

"No," he quipped, folding his arms and leaning against the squishy spaceship wall, "I do this completely out of the unbridled kindness of my vascular pump."

Karkat paused for a moment, after that, unsure if the sarcasm was sinking in or not. "Of course I charge, asshole. I'm not an idiot and I don't work for free."

[first_of_steel]

"Thought maybe you were getting paid by someone on the command staff to act as a public advisor," said Roger, unfazed. "Like an advice columnist in the papers." (You know. When they had papers.)

"What kind of rates are we looking at here?"

[whyarewehere]

Grif walked into the mess hall.

Wait one.

He walked several steps backward to make sure he'd seen what he thought he'd seen. He read the sign again, then he looked at Karkat.

He tilted his head.

"Is this the alien kid equivalent of a lemonade stand or something?"

[angrynubs]

"Does it say human piss drink on my sign?"

No. No it did not.

"I'm offering advice, not fucking beverages."

[whyarewehere]

"What kind of useful advice does a kid like you have? I mean, no offense but how old are you? Twelve?"

[snarkingscribe]

Veronica pauses at the stand, giving it a rather curious look, then gave Karkat an even more curious look. "Kind of an odd place to do romance advice, isn't it?"

At her side, Rex perked up upon seeing Karkat, and barked twice, walking around the stand to sniff at the troll a bit - now that all that icky goop is gone, he can get a scent to match to the horned fellow. And maybe he'll be in a better mood this time.

[angrynubs]

He recognizes the weird robot barkbeast, of course, and therefore isn't so surprised by it. Still, Karkat shies away from Rex's advance, instead choosing to focus his attention on the human that accompanies the animal.

"This is a high-traffic area. Nobody's going to fucking miss this sign."

It's a great sign.

[snarkingscribe]

Okay, maybe not. Ah well, Rex don't mind. He'll just park his butt on Karkat's side of the stand, swishing his tail a bit while he watches the troll.

"Got a point there," Veronica comments, then glances about the hall before folding her arms. "So what makes you qualified to give romantic advice? I would hope you're a little more sharp than that Volanz guy if you're advising people on their relationships."

[tetsuwan_atom]

Atom didn't really need any romantic advice.

But he was curious about the new face. He wandered on over, giving Karkat a little wave. "Hi!"

[angrynubs]

On the contrary. Everyone needed romantic advice, they just didn't know it yet. Atom, of course, would be no exception. Karkat would make sure of it.

One thing was for sure, however, and it was that the troll was kind of sick and tired of all this upbeat friendliness.

"Can I help you?"

[tetsuwan_atom]

Atom didn't seem to nice Karkat's sick and tireditude.

"Nah, not really. I was just wondering what your sign meant. Are you a relationship counselor?"

[thewunderkind]

Lash didn't go here very often, so imagine her surprise when she went in.

"The hell..."

[angrynubs]

Oh. Yay. It was Lash. Maybe Lash had cool stuff that Karkat could con her out of.

"Is there a fucking problem?"

[thewunderkind]

Haha good luck with that one.

"You? A romantic expert? Tee hee hee, that's a new one." Angry guys about everything didn't strike her as someone who could dispense out love advice. "Have you ever been in a relationship at all?"

[17thangel]

Maria stops and looks at the sign, then looks at Karkat, then looks at the sign again. She adjusts her goggles and looks to him.

"Is this one of those... The only way to win is not to play things or something?"

[angrynubs]

Karkat regards Maria with just as much incredulousness, following her gaze to the sign, and then coming to rest on her.

"You win by telling me what kind of cool shit you have, which is then exchanged for my incredible solutions to any and all problems you might have."

[greeeaserbug]

"So what all's otherwise?"

So this smarmy green-coated jerk just popped up from nowhere - well, spoilers, it was somewhere, but flying piles of medals are actually pretty stealthy when the target is otherwise distracted, logical or no.

He doesn't actually want or need any advice.

Hey, kid, do you desire for people to listen to you?

[angrynubs]

"I am non-discriminatory when it comes to the type of advice I give," Karkat answered, giving the sign a nudge with his foot and inspecting some non-existent dirt under his nails.

"My worldly knowledge can all be yours, provided your shit is cool enough to trade."

[noboothneeded]

"You're actually serious about this?" Asked Clark, looking over at the sign.

[angrynubs]

"Of course I'm serious," he growled, suddenly looking that much more offended. "I am so fucking serious you will not be able to comprehend how serious I am."

[psipunching]

"What do you mean 'otherwise'?"

Raz was now standing nearby, looking curiously up at the sign. He didn't have any romantic issues per se, but there was this weird kid in the middle of the mess hall with some weird sign offering romantic advice. Besides, asking about it was better than focusing on the food.

[angrynubs]

"What do you mean, what do I mean otherwise?" Why was this SO HARD for everyone to comprehend?

"It means I'm not just a romantic counselor, dipshit. I am available for any and all kinds of advice for any and all ridiculous problems you may or may not be having."

Wait I have a dude who could actually use romantic advice

[zouichi]

Zouichi wasn't actually hovering around the Mess Hall to find anyone in particular, but when he spotted Karkat, he gravitated on over.

"Vol--oh." Oops, wrong troll. "Romantic advice? In exchange for what?"

yes come to karkat

[angrynubs]

Karkat eyed Zouichi up and down, shoving his hands in his pockets and fixing the new arrival with an incredibly disdainful look.

Which, really, wasn't much different than how Karkat regarded most people.

"For whatever you have that may or may not be of interest to me."