trans_9 | Who Am I? [Bendytimed post-SHODAN]

Hydroponics That was a good place to go when you wanted to get away from the rest of the ship, wasn't it? Honestly, it reminded Jake of the landscape underneath Erik's house and the Chee that tended to run around down there. The Chee. There was a group he hadn't bothered to think about in long time. Especially since it brought up painful memories of his last battle. The Pool Ship. The Blade Ship. Tom. What might have been, if the dracon beams hadn't been disabled.

That was in the past though – a very long time in the past. Something more recent was troubling him today. For once, he wasn't dwelling on his own perceived failures or what he planned to do once he and the other Animorphs found a way to start contributing to the war effort. The whole affair with SHODAN and the killer robots had rattled him and not much seemed to rattle him anymore. He'd been totally powerless for most of it, hiding out from robots, unable to strike back. No way to morph, no way to escape. Just him and his fragile human body versus robots. It hadn't led to him getting hurt, of course, but for some reason it stayed with him at the back of his mind. What would he have done if he'd had to fight? How could he have fought?

He'd been morphing for seven years and when he felt as if he'd lost the power, it had made him stop and think. His whole adult life had been defined by his ability to morph. Without it, he didn't even have the military job back home. He didn't have anything. He was just a smart (arguably) kid who had fought a war. Jake frowned and ran a hand through his hair as he stared hard at a particular tree.

Why was he spending so much time dwelling on it? He was alive. He could morph again. So why did losing that power, however briefly, still rattle him?

Maybe he would have to think a bit more. Jake sighed and then, after a brief moment of reflection, swung himself up onto the lower branch of a tree. He wasn't much of a climber, but maybe it'd help him think.

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"I don't know. I really don't-"

He paused and breathed deep, "...I've been fighting and morphing and using this power half my life. What do I do if I can't do that anymore?"

His answer surprised her, although perhaps it shouldn't have. Silence fell as she considered his point and her response.

< You are more than the ability to morph, Jake, > she started gently. < It's a part of you just as it's a part of me, but it's only a part. You are capable of far more then you give yourself credit for. >

She paused again, tilting her head as she watched Jake silently. < Maybe we should follow that thought through. If we hadn't regained our morphing abilities and you couldn't go back to your previous life, what would you want to do with your life? Even more than that, if we went home tomorrow, what would you want to do with your life morphing or no? What would make you happy? And I don't want to hear that you don't know, Jake. Please... give it some thought. >

Edited 2012-01-01 07:09 (UTC)

Jake swallowed. He hadn't wanted to deal with this. Not right now. But he couldn't give Cassie the answer she wanted - the truth was, he didn't know what he'd do. If he went back to a world with no Tom, no Rachel. Where he didn't have another shot at making sure they lived.

"...I don't know, Cassie. That's the truth. I really don't."

And for a moment, he feels hideously vulnerable.

Her heart broke as she watched him, wanting nothing more in that moment then to help him somehow, to take away the pain, to put things right... to do anything else that might ease his mind. She knew that it wasn't so simple though and it hurt to acknowledge this fact.

The war may have been the main source for what had happened to him, but she bore a good amount of the blame for it herself. She'd been the one to push him to take up his leadership role again when he'd wanted to step down. They'd needed him desperately, but that didn't excuse her actions. Maybe if she'd left him alone... maybe he'd be okay now. Maybe they could have found another way.

It had been so terribly unfair to ask so much of him.

Even without considering that point, had there been something more that she could have done for him during and after the war to help him? What had she done for him in those years that she had yet to live? Could she have spared him some of this pain? Protected him?

She fluttered over to land beside him on the branch that he sat on and rubbed her head against his arm, wishing that she was human so that she could properly comfort him. This wasn't the time to be fussing with demorphing though.

< I'm sorry, Jake, > she responded gently. < It was unfair of me to ask you that so suddenly. This... is not something that needs to be decided any time soon. I'm... I'm so sorry for everything. >

Edited 2012-01-01 08:22 (UTC)

If Jake knew that Cassie blamed herself for any of this, he'd tell her to stop. She hadn't done anything. He'd made his own choices, decided to be the leader, done everything himself. He'd been the one to make all of the hard choices and it was something he lived with. Every day. It shouldn't burden her, not like it burdened him, in a way he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to shake. Not for a long time, anyway. It might have been unfair, but someone had to do it - and it had been him.

He started slightly as the osprey (Cassie) fluttered over and rubbed her head against his arm. Unexpected, but surprisingly welcome. A little piece of comfort - even for a moment. He ran his hand over her head - this always felt surreal, sitting next to someone in morph and talking to them. When he spoke, his voice was quiet, "It's not your fault, Cassie. Don't blame yourself for it."

Maybe they could have had a future at some point. Maybe.

There was a reason that Cassie would never fully confess to her own guilt in the matter, at least not to Jake. He'd just find a way to blame it on himself and she didn't want him to do that in the slightest. Her regrets, her mistakes, her worries were hers to live with and so she would. Jake didn't need to be worrying about her on top of everything else.

< Okay, Jake. I understand... I won't. > That was the answer she gave him. It was also a lie. She'd always hated the lies and secrets that had become so much a part of everyday life during the war, but she couldn't tell him what she really thought. Not about this.

Sometimes she wondered when this distance that now held them apart had really started. And why? There had always been a certain distance when it came to this whole leader situation, but it hadn't been this bad at the start. Of that much, she was certain. Was it her fault that they couldn't even seem to have even one conversation that wasn't lost to secrets and guilt?

< It's not so bad though. We should think of the positive, > she responded trying to cheer him up. < We're all alive and well. We can morph again. It's okay. >

Edited 2012-01-01 21:39 (UTC)

They tended to lie to each other, didn't they? About the things they kept locked up from the war, hidden from each other and avoiding facing the consequences. Maybe that was why they'd drifted apart over the years after the war. Too much pain, not enough honesty about what they were thinking and what they'd done. Maybe. Jake managed a smile.

"Yeah, at least we have our health. And I think everyone we know in the pods is OK. At least for now."

It was an unfortunate situation. There was so much that they both probably really should have shared, but it continued to stay locked tightly within their own hearts.

Cassie rubbed her head against Jake's arm again affectionately, just hoping that she might be able to help him feel a little happier. In her own mind though, she kept running over his concerns, trying to think of a better way to answer them. It might be possible to avoid the topic for now, but it couldn't be ignored forever without leading to even greater problems. If she wanted to really help him, and she did, then she'd have to figure out a better solution.

< It'll be fine. > She was quick to offer reassurances. The reference to what had happened in the pod chambers brought with it a mix of emotions. Sadness for those who had been lost and those who had lost loved ones. Relief that her parents and the loved ones of her friends hadn't been among the dead. And guilt for that relief when so many others were suffering. To say that she was conflicted about the situation was probably an understatement. < As long as we stay together, I believe that we can deal with any situation. Together. >

Honestly, it did help. Even if it was only a little. His demons were personal and he would have to keep carrying them for a while yet.

"Yeah, I think you're right, Cassie. When the Animorphs put their minds to something..." He laughed, "Well, someone's in trouble."

Who Am I? [Bendytimed post-SHODAN]

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