Who Am I? [Bendytimed post-SHODAN]

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

Hydroponics That was a good place to go when you wanted to get away from the rest of the ship, wasn't it? Honestly, it reminded Jake of the landscape underneath Erik's house and the Chee that tended to run around down there. The Chee. There was a group he hadn't bothered to think about in long time. Especially since it brought up painful memories of his last battle. The Pool Ship. The Blade Ship. Tom. What might have been, if the dracon beams hadn't been disabled.

That was in the past though – a very long time in the past. Something more recent was troubling him today. For once, he wasn't dwelling on his own perceived failures or what he planned to do once he and the other Animorphs found a way to start contributing to the war effort. The whole affair with SHODAN and the killer robots had rattled him and not much seemed to rattle him anymore. He'd been totally powerless for most of it, hiding out from robots, unable to strike back. No way to morph, no way to escape. Just him and his fragile human body versus robots. It hadn't led to him getting hurt, of course, but for some reason it stayed with him at the back of his mind. What would he have done if he'd had to fight? How could he have fought?

He'd been morphing for seven years and when he felt as if he'd lost the power, it had made him stop and think. His whole adult life had been defined by his ability to morph. Without it, he didn't even have the military job back home. He didn't have anything. He was just a smart (arguably) kid who had fought a war. Jake frowned and ran a hand through his hair as he stared hard at a particular tree.

Why was he spending so much time dwelling on it? He was alive. He could morph again. So why did losing that power, however briefly, still rattle him?

Maybe he would have to think a bit more. Jake sighed and then, after a brief moment of reflection, swung himself up onto the lower branch of a tree. He wasn't much of a climber, but maybe it'd help him think.

Comments

[zouichi.livejournal.com]

Zouichi was on one of his long walks in Hydroponics, with Alan resting comfortably on his shoulder. By now his healing factor had taken care of any damage he might have received during the attack, and though SHODAN's little killing spree hadn't inspired much confidence in him as far as the ship's ability to keep them safe went, well... he'd never really counted the ship as an ally, anyway.

He looked up as he heard the sound of someone up in the leaves -- Jake, he remembered. From the Statuary.

"Did you lose something?"

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

"Huh?" Jake glanced down from his perch and after a moment he shook his head, "No. Just thinking. Sort of a weird place to do it, I guess. But it's as good a place as any."

He remembered speaking to Zouichi before. He seemed like an alright person, considering who else was on the ship.

[zouichi.livejournal.com]

Zouichi looked back out along the trees for a moment before returning his attention to Jake. "The past few days have provided quite a few things to think about, haven't they?" he asked, tone slightly dry. Which could have meant any number of things, really, but what was most important to Zouichi was that there could be any number of threats still on the ship, waiting for the opportunity to target them once more. Threats that the ship was storing away, like little crumbs to tide it over between meals.

"Did you lose anyone in the battle?"

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

"More than a few," Jake responded, still watching Zouichi closely. Him and his parrot (seriously, who carried a parrot around). Jake let his leg dangle and finally broke his gaze away with a shake of his head, staring off into hydroponics.

"No. I didn't lose anyone. It got intense, though. I've seen worse, though."

[caringcassie.livejournal.com]

Cassie flew high in the sky, caught up in her own thoughts. As it turned out, Jake wasn't the only one who was out of sorts due to this most recent threat and the loss of the morphing power that was so much a part of her now, even if she didn't always like to admit to this fact.

Helpless. She'd been completely helpless, forced to watch as others fought and were harmed, yet unable to do anything to help. In truth, she hated to fight, but she far more hated having to watch others suffer, especially when she could do nothing to stop it. She hated and feared that feeling of helplessness more than she'd ever been able to admit aloud.

Her sensitive osprey eyes picked up the movement in the tree first and her curiosity managed to pull her attention away from her inward contemplations as she flew around to get a better look, wondering which animal might have caused the movement. It wasn't uncommon for her to come here as an osprey as she'd found that the morph was excellent for observing the animals in the area without disturbing them. Sharp eyes that missed nothing and wings that allowed her to both keep a good distance for observation purposes as well as allowing her to cover large distances if needed.

The sight that greeted her was one that surprised her though. < Jake? > She certainly hadn't expected to find him climbing trees out here.

She started towards him instinctively, happy to see him, but hesitated as she got a clearer look at the expression on his face, wondering worriedly if her presence would be welcome. After a moment or two of debate, she made up her mind and flew towards him, landing on a nearby branch. There wasn't any harm in just checking on him, right?

< What are you doing out here? >

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

Jake started at the sudden thought-speak and instinctively glanced around to try and find the probably morph - oh, there she was. An osprey on the wing. He settled back against the trunk of the tree, carefully keeping a hand on another branch so he wouldn't end up taking a rather unfortunate fall. "Cassie?"

Sounded like her, anyway. He shrugged at the bird with a little smile, "Nothing, really. Just... thinking, like always. Seemed like a good idea at the time."

That's all there really was to say about it. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Just like getting morphing powers or sending Rachel on a suicide mission or so many other decisions he'd made. It seemed like a good idea (or it had been the only way out). And now here he was, on an alien spaceship, a million miles from home (if he could still call Earth home) and fighting another war. Funny how it worked out.

"How are you?"

[caringcassie.livejournal.com]

< That's right, > she responded quickly. If she'd had lips, she'd have smiled at him. Briefly she debated whether it would be better to demorph or not, but a look down at the ground quickly made up her mind for her. She could control the morphing process to an extent, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to put those skills to test in a tree unless it proved absolutely necessary. The distance down looked a lot more intimidating when she thought about being without wings.

Cassie tilted her head as she watched and listened. < There's certainly been plenty to think about recently. What's been keeping your mind occupied? > She was worried about him. He seemed to keep to himself so much recently, taking more on himself than anyone could ever be expected to carry.

< I'm fine. > Well, not really, but she didn't want to risk burdening Jake with her own worries. He had enough weight to bear already and she wouldn't ask him to take on her own.

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

"A lot," he replied ruefully, "We've been stuck here for... I'm not sure now. I keep losing track of time. We could've been here a month or a year for all I can tell at this point. All the days blend together."

He sounded a bit frustrated - and he was - but that wasn't the real reason he was feeling quite so bothered today. He was already burdened and thinking about what he was without powers was something he didn't want to unload. Not just yet.

"Thinking about the whole killer robot thing."

[livestoannoy]

Marco certainly hadn't liked being unable to morph either - but unlike Jake, it was something he'd experienced before.

At least this time he hadn't had to deal with giant nightmare ants.

But right now Marco wasn't worrying about SHODAN, the goddamn robots, or even the fact that the whole ship was now a mess. Because he'd noticed earlier that Jake was moping (again), and come looking for him.

Marco spent a lot of time worrying about Jake these days.

Course, his plan to Find Jake had been somewhat derailed by the fact that he hadn't seem him climb into that tree. Now, he was now stomping around Hydroponics trying to figure out where the hell Jake went.

"Gee, it's a good thing Jake's not around here," Marco called out loudly. "Now I can talk as much as I want about what a lumbering, useless oaf he is. Who smells."

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

"You need to work on being subtle, Marco," Jake finally replied after a few minutes of watching Marco stomp around. It brought a bit of a smile to his face - Marco was still Marco. Always would be, if Jake could help it. Not that he might be able to, if the time ever came. But he didn't like to think about that.

"What's on your mind?"

Yes, Jake is in a tree. Perfectly normal. Or maybe he's channeling Tobias.

[livestoannoy]

"Ah, but you see it's all part of my master plan. Now you'll never expect my amazing subtlely when it comes, because you'll be too busy expecting me to be incredibly obvious," Marco said, wondering over to the tree and staring up at Jake.

Yup, Jake was doing a pretty good Tobias impression there. Marco eyed him for a moment. "What's on my mind? Dude, I'm not the one sitting in a tree."

And yet despite the complaining, the very next moment Marco was climbing up the tree too. (Hey, it's not like he and Jake had never climbed trees together before. Sure, they'd been like eight years old or something at the time, but what the hell.)

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

"Marco, your idea of subtlety is a gorilla driving a truck," Jake replied and waved a hand in Marco's direction with a small laugh. And then Marco had to go and ask him what he was thinking about and he felt distant again. Removed. Like there was a wall there and Marco was never really going to understand - but Marco was his best friend.

Jake shrugged and offered a hand down to help Marco up, "Just thinking about the killer robots. That's all."

[encourage]

Sakura started, nearly dropping the small box she was carrying for no real apparent reason. She'd been on edge and dealing with so much that she was torn between being numb, just being run down, or being slightly on the edge of maniacally energized attempting to hold off an upcoming crash she really didn't have the time for.

Catching the box, her pensive, tired expression was replaced by an easy-going, polite smile. "You're all monkeys," she said, if it wasn't apprent to who. Probably herself, and not even meant to be spoken out loud. "Good," she started, looking upward briefly to ascertain if Hydroponics itself had settled on a fictional "time" of day to be moving through, "Day to you, Jake. Glad to see you're okay."

Which she was, even if some part of her was still wondering why it was that seeing a person in a tree had startled here where an animal wouldn't have. (And where the difference for Jake was partly state of mind, largely choice.) The reminder of what training they did when younger, mastering the art of treewalking, is a distant echo in the back of her mind. If she were paying less scattered attention, it might be echo enough to lend insight into herself.

She could do with more of that, and was actively striving for less.

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

Jake started when Sakura spoke. He hadn't been paying attention to the ground - or at least not to people who might be showing up. "Hey, Sakura."

They'd spoken a few times. She seemed nice and she and Marco got on well enough. Well, there had been the whole stuck in one body thing, but Jake had seen weirder. "You doing alright? First you got bodyswapped, then the robots showed up. Eventful couple of weeks, huh?"

Small talk always seemed awkward to him. No matter who it was with.

Well, except maybe Marco these days.

[encourage]

Got on well enough might be a half understatement considering how often that "got on well" sidelined into "argues ceaselessly," if for whatever reason that actually seemed to work out for them both. Go figure.

"When is anything peaceful around here? If that's a little contradictory, given what we're acting as, but I think you get what I mean. I don't think you so much get used to it as get more resolved to survive through what the allied forces of 'we won't tell you anything but work with us here' end up tossing at us. Then the Ohm, the cultists, and is it the Rom?"

She shrugged, dismissing those concerns as if they were something that could be dismissed for the moment. Another small smile curls her lips up at the corners, less strained this time. Thankfully he'd glossed over anything directly dealing with the robots who had showed up, which started to set her at ease. "See anything interesting up there?"

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

"More trees. And leaves," he replied with a little laugh, "Not much else. It's hydroponics. At least it's pretty though, right?"

He could deal with this. He could live with chattering about trees rather than what bothered him. Is this how he was going to live out the rest of his life? Avoiding talking about anything that might shatter his self-image or pull him out of his own funk? Maybe he was punishing himself.

[masterofnun.livejournal.com]

Usually, Punchy spends his time moping fiddling around with code, giant headphones on, crouched in the Man Cave of his tent with no regard for the outside world's constructs of time or hygiene. But this time it's different - this time, technology was the enemy. His haven of binary and script turned into a hell of malice and violence. He's still wrapping his head around it.

Which is how he finds himself wandering through Hydroponics, staring at his oversized shoes as he shuffles around. Trying to see if a breath of fresh air will make him forget that his sister just died, again.

Hah. Like that'll work.

He's staring at his shoes so much that he actually walks into Jake's feet, danging from that branch as they are.

"Oh, hey, you steppin'?" Man, he doesn't even have enough energy to be angry at someone dangling their shoes where he is clearly strolling.

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

Jake blinked and looked down as someone ran into his feet.

"No, I'm sitting," he retorted, "Sorry about that. I didn't think anyone would be walking through here."

[masterofnun.livejournal.com]

Punchy raises an eyebrow. If possible, Jake looks about as morose as he does, and that rings Punchy's alarm for Help Other Person. "Yo, dawg. Something bugging up your psyche?"

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

"No, it's nothing," Jake replied and his metaphorical shields were up. He didn't know Punchy, so the thought of unburdening himself to him was... a bit strange, to say the least.

[skyboundmisfit.livejournal.com]

Hydroponics was where Tobias felt most at home. At least there were trees and grass and real animals there. Not that Stacy would let him eat any of them, of course. So when his keen eyes picked out Jake, he stooped into a shallow dive and pulled up, alighting a few branches above Jake.

< I thought sitting in trees was my thing, Jake. You're not trying to take my thing, are you? >

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

"No, Tobias. I'm not trying to steal your bird-thunder. How're you?"

He hadn't seen Tobias in a little bit. Good to see he was looking healthy. Well, as healthy as he ever did.

[pretty_lethal]

Jake-- that was another person Rachel needed to check up on more. After everything, and with how he'd been in general... Well, normally she was equal parts annoyed at and worried about him. It was just that 'worried' was winning out slightly right then.

Deftly and gracefully, Rachel swung herself up onto another low branch nearby, landing as gracefully as possible on the bark. "So, a few robots are what it takes to get to you, these days?"

[hadabrother.livejournal.com]

"No, I can deal with robots," He replied. It was still odd to talk to her. To see her. After years of visiting her grave and knowing she was gone, gone because he'd sent her on a suicide mission to kill his own brother.

"It was just... weird."

He leaves what was weird out.

[pretty_lethal]

"Glad to hear it," Rachel replied, with a faint smile. She leaned against the tree, though, and didn't really look at him. She still got the vibe that weird also meant talking to her. And she was smart enough to figure that out-- even if she wasn't going to let that stop her.

Still, she frowned and nodded a bit, after a moment. "Yeah, it kind of sucked, didn't it? Can't say I'm eager to go through something like that again."