trans_9 | [closed] Uncertain heart

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[closed] Uncertain heart

After returning to Stacy, Fuu had found herself drawn towards the Hydroponics bay once more. Even though the walls were of living tissue and some of the trees were very different than any she had seen in her previous travels, it still reminded her of the garden in Cephiro's last castle. And... it was similar in that way, too, wasn't it? There were other worlds left, certainly, but on this ship of refugees, it was one of the few green spaces they had.

It was big enough that she could walk for quite a while without seeing any walls, and the strange animals in here were fascinating enough to watch for hours. She leaned against a tree, watching the stilt gliders swoop above the leaves, but however intently she observed their movements it didn't stop the rest of her mind from thinking.

"I killed men I didn't know."

"Was there a choice, Magic Knight? They would have killed you."

"There should have been," she murmured. "I didn't decide to go there. What if things weren't as they seemed? Even if the king had been killed and replaced, that doesn't automatically mean the Baron was fighting for a just cause."

Windam didn't answer that question, but Fuu hadn't truly expected him to. "Windam... what will you fight for?"

"Cephiro. Always Cephiro."

"You wanted to fight on Halatun."

"You were in danger. Cephiro needs your strength of heart, but heart alone cannot keep you alive here."

"I see." The words were cold but for the way he said them. Windam was as old as the planet itself. He had to have lived for eons, waiting for the day the Magic Knights would be summoned to fight the most powerful force in that world. That was his existence. But though he was committed to Cephiro above all else, she knew she was more than a tool to him.

He had told her to find the truth back when they had awakened aboard Stacy. The truth would lead them to Cephiro's salvation. And Earth. What about Earth...?

Sometimes she wished she could stop thinking about these things.

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Clef's thoughts weren't much different from Fuu's. Although he hadn't directly killed anyone, he was focused on why war had been necessary at all. If they were going to get involved in relatively small conflicts like that, why was their mission to fight rather than preventing war from breaking out in the first place? This could have been prevented, but some higher authority chose not to and was using Stacy's crew as tools to accomplish whatever goal it had in mind. Clef had significant issues with being a mere means to an end, even if the intentions behind it were the best possible.

The difference was that he didn't wish he could stop thinking about these things. They were complicated and they need to be thought about. What he did wish was that it didn't feel so pointless to do so. Whenever things like this entered his mind he felt as though he was so close to reaching a decision on them but just... couldn't. The truth was that he had a certain amount of affection for Stacy - not just the crew, but the ship herself - just as he had had for the Baron back on Halatun. It made him not want to let them down, but it was sort of embarrassing.

He very nearly changed the direction he was walking in when he heard a voice coming from somewhere ahead of him through the trees, he was so self-conscious. It seemed irrational, but he felt as though he couldn't really think around other people right now. Just as he was turning around to head deeper into the forest, he recognized the voice as Fuu's and hesitated.

"Fuu?" he called, when he could see her through the trees. Strangely, it didn't look as though there was anyone else here - hadn't she been talking to someone?

Fuu jumped slightly when she heard someone call her name, but she was only startled for a moment. Clef was always a welcome sight. She wondered if he had overheard her talking--should she tell him about the conversation?

But she hadn't even told him about Windam yet! Fuu felt a guilty squirm inside when she realized that. She had not been eager to share Windam's presence with anyone else. Partially, she didn't want to be manipulated by any of the authorities among the crew because of him, but a large part of it was that she didn't want to answer any questions about why she was bonded to a Rune God, and what exactly they had done....

That wasn't an issue with Clef, of course. She had simply been neglectful, and he'd been on quite a few missions off of the ship. Well, she would fix that now. "Hello, Clef-san," she said with a smile. "I was just speaking to Windam... he was brought aboard Stacy, too."

Clef blinked in surprise and halted his approach momentarily.

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised," he said, covering for the fact that he was not actually surprised but feeling a little awkward. A few years ago he would have scoffed at the notion that Rune Gods even existed, and now one was theoretically in this vicinity somewhere. He really wasn't sure how to act, though he tried his best not to show it.

"Hello," he greeted Fuu and Windam (if applicable). Saying hello was a safe fall-back strategy. "I was just taking a walk."

Fuu nodded. "I was very relieved to find out that he was all right. He's assured me that he's still capable of changing into his battle form, although neither of us has revealed it." She touched the jewel on her armor lightly. "But he is here."

She looked around the arboretum-like bay. "I had been walking, but I decided to stop and think instead. I've been... uneasy since we came back from Halatun." That was a very mild way of putting it, she knew. She wasn't sure how to frame the depth of her feelings in words, although her face probably said enough.

"I'm glad," he said simply with regards to Windam. It was already apparent in the way she was speaking of him that they were close, and Fuu seemed like she could use someone to confide in.

Clef merely nodded at her other statement, but his face betrayed that he felt similarly. Not only was Halatun weighing on his mind, but for some reason he was reminded of the dull ache over losing Cephiro, as well. Perhaps it was finding out about Windam that reminded him, but it seemed to happen more often than not when he spoke to Fuu in general. It wasn't just a sense of loss, but a deep feeling of hopelessness, and it was starting to get a little scary. Hopelessness could be fatal, after all.

"May I join you?" he asked.

"Of course." Fuu sat down at the base of the tree, a silent invitation for Clef to do the same. It was clear that he was troubled as well. Both he and Windam are. It's unsettling that such venerable and powerful individuals are uncertain about this situation.

But could she speak to him about what was on her mind? They had to share worries, and though it was difficult to put into words, Fuu wanted to talk about them.

She wanted to talk about them to a person, not an age-old spirit, and to someone who knew the same things that she did.

"I told Umi and Hikaru that I didn't want to regret anything when we decided to fight again," she said quietly. "But I think it might be impossible to keep that promise here."

Clef knelt next to her, his posture closed and tight as though from the cold. He was tempted to simply agree with her words at first, but stopped himself when he realized what that would mean. That wasn't like him at all - he had always corrected his students when they said that something was 'impossible', and now he was that close to using the word himself. That wasn't right.

"Because you seem to have no choice," he said after a moment's consideration, finally relaxing a bit to rest his hands on his knees and look up at her, "Or because you already regret something?"

That was more like it.

Fuu smiled faintly at Clef's insight. It was true; the battle with Zagato and Emeraude still weighed heavily on her mind. As far as her memory went, it still hadn't been that long ago. "I do still regret that," she said. "It hurts to know that the reason I was summoned was solely to kill someone, even if she was the one who chose it. And because of that, Cephiro--"

She stopped. "But it's gone now. And Earth is too." She looked down at her hands. "I see other people on the ship laughing and arguing and working every day. But I can't stop thinking about what happened to bring us here."

"I've been having the same problem," Clef admitted after a moment's silence.

"Is it very severe?" he asked. "What I mean is, do you ever have difficulty thinking straight?"

He couldn't bring himself to get more specific than that, so he just sort of hoped that she'd know what he meant.

"It is," said Fuu, nodding. "I think about how I hope Umi and Hikaru will be released from the pods, about how we were like sisters, and then I start to think about my real--sister--"

She stopped and swallowed hard. Fuu couldn't even say that she had a child's hope of her family being asleep in the pods. Neither her parents nor Kuu had any abilities that would make them attractive recruits as interdimensional warriors. She had to believe that they had died with Earth. And while it was said that acceptance was the final stage of grief, Fuu hadn't yet found any peace.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, taking off her glasses to wipe at her eyes with her fingers. "This... happens too often."

"Fuu--" Clef leaned in and reached for one of her hands to clasp in both of his. For a moment he was grateful that he hadn't been so focused on his own pain that he failed to be there for her, but he still didn't know what to say. It struck him that she was apologizing, as though ashamed of her emotional weakness, when he thought that she was showing much more strength than he was.

"No one could blame you," he sighed, tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

Fuu closed her fingers around Clef's hand, clenching her other hand over the jewel on her armor as she struggled with herself. It's hard not having someone who understands. If you have someone to talk to, it's okay. Kuu was dead, but what she'd said was still true. Clef understood, too. He had lost people dear to him and his entire world just as Fuu had.

He's crying. Blurred though her vision was, Fuu could see the too-bright shine to his eyes. "You hurt too, don't you," she said quietly. "It's too much to lose all at once."

He nodded and closed his eyes, letting the tears fall. For once he tried not to worry about appearing weak or apologizing for getting all his emotions all over the place.

"I don't want you to get the idea that it isn't alright to express pain over this," he said finally. "So I'm going to stop setting a poor example."

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[closed] Uncertain heart

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pretend this icon is Fuu and not Umi

so late sorry ;o;

It's okay, you see how punctual I am.