trans_9 | But Sooner Or Later God'll Cut You Down [Open]

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But Sooner Or Later God'll Cut You Down [Open]

'Running away' is, in Howard's opinion, the most useful thing the human body can do. And unfortunately, he has plenty of reasons to think it will come in handy at some point, or at various points, in the future.

That's why he's set up a 400 yard circular track-slash-obstacle course in Hydroponics, as well as set up markers for hundred meter, two hundred meter, and mile routes. Every other morning, before Med Bay shifts, he's here, improving on speed and stamina. He knows full well that even if he gets into the best shape of his life, he can still be outrun (or outflown) by his super-powered, magical or metahuman peers, but it's better to have that added little bit of competence if and when he ends up sprinting away from danger.

He's feeling the results, too. There's no way to time if he's getting faster, but where he was once just skinny, he's becoming lean, and the mile run that used to exhaust him leaves him considerably less winded than it did a few months ago. And he's getting much more confident going through the tunnels and up the ladders of the obstacle course.

The only thing looking worse for the wear is his shoes. At some point he's going to have to relegate his velociraptor shoes to a beloved keepsake, because the seams are literally coming apart around his toes.

Howard double-knots his shoelaces and stretches a bit before running the obstacle course again.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"How do you mean? She can jump all the way to the top of a bookshelf. Keeping her away from the bird perch is going to be impossible."

Howard cringes when Cassie goes on to extol the virtues of medics. He's not sure how to explain he's just a medic for easy access to narcotics and because he wanted a job that would keep him too busy to dwell on all his fears and neuroses. There's nothing heroic about it.

He looks her straight in the eyes as he responds to her second point. "Yeah. Yeah, I do believe that, and I do believe people would allow it." What he doesn't say, but what is evident in his voice, is that he does not believe all lives are precious either.

He shrugs off the second set of compliments too. They make him uncomfortable. They feel like a set of clothes too large for him.

"It's not so much physically keeping her away as it is rearranging things so going over there doesn't hold much appeal for her. The best option though, if it's possible, would be to keep the other animals in a room where the cat isn't allowed at all so that they aren't stressed out by Emergency Rations' presence. She is a predator after all and the bird at least will naturally find being near her upsetting," Cassie explained. "But if that's not an option, you can also try putting things in the way that she won't like to crawl on or even better would be to set up an area that would appeal to her more. Put her favorite toys there or anything else that she's particularly fond of, so that she'd be more drawn to that area then she is to messing with the bird and fish."

Cassie met his eyes unfailingly, but there was a distinctive sadness in them. From his tone, she didn't doubt that he believed what he said and that, to her, was tragic. "You must feel so alone. Howard, I'm so sorry. No one should ever feel as though they have to face the world all on their own. Humans... we are not designed to stand alone." Her voice faltered for a second, but her eyes stay fixed on Howard. When she continued, her voice was strong and firm again. "I don't believe that people would allow it, although just stating it won't convince you. Most of the people that I've met here so far seem kind and I don't believe that they'd do something so heartless. At the very least, I would protect you and I suspect that the friend you mentioned, Zou I think you called him, would do the same." She didn't know this "Zou" that Howard spoke of, but he had seemed rather fond of this person when last they talked. It was hard to know though because Howard hadn't said much of his friend, but he'd mentioned the name a couple of times without prompting and given how closed off he seemed to be much of the time, Cassie suspected that the fact that the name came up more than once meant something. It was a gamble and she knew it well, but sometimes you needed to take a chance and hope for the best. Sometimes it was important to trust your instincts. Cassie just hoped that her guess wouldn't blow up in her face. She smiled at him. "And Emergency Rations would scratch anyone who tried to harm you."

(OOC: If I'm being stupid or making too many assumptions here, let me know an I'll fix the post. Sorry and thank you.)

"That bird can take care of itself." Though there was some scare earlier that Emergency Rations might have snapped him up when she was feeling peckish, but the bird is even bigger than she is. "I think you'd have to show me how to do that. I'm still not sure totally what you mean."

What Howard doesn't say is that for the second time, he's inviting her back to his home. It's a gesture of trust and need, but it's not one he'll draw attention to or name. He still doesn't consider her a friend, after all.

He responds to her statement about loneliness with a bit of a glare. He does feel alone, but he doesn't like attention being called to it. He wishes he didn't feel alone. He wishes this felt normal, being antisocial and distrustful. "No, we're not. But we aren't cooperative and cuddly deep down, either. You should know that, you were in a war."

He bites his lip. "Yeah, Zouichi would protect me. And Karis, maybe. And maybe even you," although it's clear he doesn't believe her. But then he laughs. "And the cat? Nah, she'd hide under the bed and hiss, maybe, but not scratch."

Cassie smiled, please by the invitation, although she didn't make a big deal out of it. From what she'd noticed, Howard didn't tend to respond well to things of that nature and she didn't want to risk changing his mind. "Sure. Whenever you want."

"To an extent, you're right," she acknowledged, sadness tinting her voice. This wasn't something she liked to consider when she could avoid it, but it was foolish to deny it. "There is a lot of darkness around in the world, but there is good too. The darkness can't be ignored, but to just see the world in those terms is to ignore the good and that is a true tragedy." She paused to take a deep breath before pressing on again. "I'm not saying that it's a good idea to trust everyone without exception as some people are not trustworthy, but many are and if you never give them the chance then you'll never find out who they are."

What would have happened if she'd refused to trust Aftran? More fighting? More death? It had been a crazy and foolish chance, something that she'd known well at the time, but she had taken it anyway and hoped that... that just once it didn't all have to end in violence. Aftran had met her trust with trust of her own and they had gained a new ally, and she had gained a good friend, who later convinced more Yeerks to aid their cause. It wasn't that she didn't realize just how dangerous a risk she'd taken because she knew all too well just how badly things could have gone, but... she'd believed or, at least, wanted to believe in the good of others.

"Sometimes you might end up disappointed, but sometimes you'll find a friend, an ally, where you didn't expect it," she finished quietly, her thoughts still on Aftran and the war.

She smiled, making note of the two new names. So, there were at least two people that Howard was willing to trust to some extent. The news made her happy. Although she heard the doubt in his voice when it came to her own declaration, she opted not to pursue it. Words weren't going to convince him in these circumstances and to keep protesting might just draw his suspicion. It would be up to her actions to show her sincerity. "I'm glad to hear that you do have some good friends. Nobody should have to be on their own, especially during a time like this. There... are few things more comforting then knowing that you have someone to support you when you need it. I know that I wouldn't have made it through the war without my friends." Her grin reflected some amusement at Howard's comment. "I think that you underestimate Emergency Rations. Animals can do some truly incredible things, especially when it comes to the safety of their humans."

"A tragedy is dying young because you were dumb enough to trust someone you shouldn't." His voice is harsh and cold, layered with frustration and a clear history of disappointment. "Look, you can go out giving chances and I'll rob the graves when you're done. But I'm not going to get killed because it's some cosmic shame if I don't assume the best of people."

Howard has, in his opinion, been lucky to have just been disappointed, abandoned and beaten. He hasn't died yet. He comes from a town where a third of the populace up and died within a year and he's still alive, even if he had to scavenge, steal, kidnap and beg to get by. Even if he mostly survived by luck. Even if he might be dead by now, in his own timeline.

Trust is not only something he doesn't lend out easily, but also something he doesn't believe is worth giving to others. He doesn't want to trust. He doesn't see open-mindedness, optimism as anything naivete and foolishness. He doesn't aspire to opening his heart. It's just other people that wishe that for him.

People like Cassie.

What does she want from him, anyway? It doesn't even occur to him that she genuinely wants to make others happy.

"Yeah, she makes some pretty incredibly hairballs, alright."

"Or a tragedy is being too afraid to live your life," she countered, although her voice remained gently. She wasn't quite so naive as to believe that she'd so easily convince him to change his whole way of viewing the world, but she hoped to at least give him another point of view to think over.

In truth, Cassie understood exactly where Howard was coming from and it was why she was determined to try to help him see the world in a new light if she could. She understood the paralyzing fear of looking at every new face and wondering whether that person was friend or foe. She understood the fear of wondering whether taking a risk, whether trusting just once, would end in disaster. She even understood the feeling of sometimes thinking it would almost be easier to close everything out so that it would just stop hurting, but she'd never been able to let go to that extent. To do that, to give in to the fear, would have meant to lose a part of herself as well as losing out on all that was good in the world and that she couldn't allow. She couldn't push Howard to do anything that he was unwilling to do, but she hoped to at least show him the other side of things so that he might possibly be able to break free of the hold that fear and distrust had on him. The world had so much to offer if you just opened your heart to it.

She smiled. "I imagine that hairballs are on the low side of all the things that Emergency Rations is capable of, but honestly I hope that we never have any reason to find out the truth to this. I'd rather that the two of you remain safe."

"You don't measure how alive you are by how many friends you have, Hallmark. You measure it by whether or not you're still breathing."

Part of this is denial. He doesn't like fear - it exhausts him - but it's easier to handle feeling afraid than feeling naive and stupid. Feeling stupid and used is the worst. He still hasn't gotten over how incredibly worthless he felt when his only friend back home turned on him.

As he's gotten to know Cassie he's gotten to learn that she's neither naive or stupid. She's clearly weathered, and she gives off a sense of wisdom beyond her years. But she also hasn't lived the same life as he has. He suspects she's seen the best of humanity, whereas for over a year he was stranded with the worse. Including the worst of himself.

"Yeah, me too. I'm a big fan of safe." He makes a little shrug, a non-verbal 'obviously'. "And I think I'd mess someone up if they tried to hurt the cat. Not that I like her or anything, but..."

He shrugs again. "She's mine." And keeping what's yours is very important.

"I suppose that depends on how you measure your life," Cassie commented softly. No, she wasn't going to let this go, Howard. "Fear serves a purpose. Of that, there is no doubt, but if you let it control you, then what are you living for in the end? What is there to strive for if you believe that there is nothing beyond the fear waiting for you?"

She'd lived with fear for three long years and at times she'd worried that it would consume her, but she'd determinedly kept the hope alive that one day she'd be able to move past it. One day the war would be over and when that day came, she wanted to be able to resume her life. She couldn't go back to being the person that she'd been, she'd seen and experienced too much for that, but she wanted a life that didn't revolve around fear and conflict. In her heart, she believed it would come in time if she could just keep going. The bad would end to make way for the good.

She felt a great of sympathy for Howard. After hearing some of what he'd been through, she couldn't blame him for his fear, but she still hoped to help him get past at least a bit of it. She just wanted him to be happy.

Cassie smiled, but didn't comment on it. She could see how much he loved Emergency Rations, but she also realized that he wouldn't react well if she drew attention to the fact so she didn't. "Of course. I'm sure that Emergency Rations feels the same."

"I don't let fear control me, and if that's what you're implying you're just being dumb." And Howard plans on shutting down that train of conversation right there, because he knows deep down that Cassie is right and he doesn't want to fight her long enough to have to relent. He jams his hands into his pockets and, sneering, becomes incredibly interested in the bark of a tree next to him.

"That's what you said she's doing when she headbutts me, right? She's claiming me? It's weird to think about it that way, since you know, I'm the one that feeds and takes care of her, but..." But what he's saying is that he sort of gets it. You can belong to people who do nothing for you. Or pets. "It's kind of good to have something to worry about besides myself, you know?"

Cassie stared for a long moment, but then relented. She hadn't decided to give up, but she could see no point in pressing the issue right now when Howard was on the defensive. Frightened that he might shut her out or shut down altogether if pressed too hard, breaking the still fragile friendship that they were developing, she decided to perform a tactical retreat for the moment. This was something that they could come back to later, perhaps when he trusted her more or was at least more willing to listen. "Of course," she murmured, "I'm sorry."

She nodded and smiled. "You're hers just as much as she's yours. She watches over you as you watch over her." Cassie definitely understood that feeling. "Yeah, I agree. It is good."

Howard slightly, but visibly, relaxes a bit when she apologizes and drops it. "It's fine. I don't care." It's the closest he'll come to accepting her apology.

"Nah, I don't think that's it. I don't think she really watches over me, more like just waits for me. I don't know. I get the feeling if I dropped dead she wouldn't really care, but while I'm here she'll take advantage of it."

Cassie was glad to see him relax, even if it was just by a little bit. It was still a conversation that they needed to finish at some point, but it didn't have to happen all at once. Sometimes it was better to take these things gradually rather than all in one go. "Thank you."

"I think that she'd care very much, Howard. She loves you," she answered firmly. On this much, she wouldn't back down. It was important that Howard know that he's loved, especially when it comes from someone who he clearly cares about as much as he does Emergency Rations.

Deciding to try another topic, she asked, "So did you put this track together or was it here already?" In this place, you never knew. A replica of her home and barn had apparently been brought aboard, so why not a track?

"She's a cat. I don't know if cats are capable of love. Seems like a really big concept for their little pea-brains. Besides, I think she still loves Zou more." He isn't desperate for love so much as just looking to feel wanted. Whether or not that's from a person or a cat, it doesn't matter.

"I put it together. I like doing stuff. I get really antsy and ticked off when I can't. So I figured, why not a track? It took about three days to get all the stuff down here and set up and now I use it for an hour or two each morning." And he does sound rather proud of it. "I haven't had to chase anyone off it yet, either."

One minute he was stating that he didn't really believe that cats were capable of love and the next he was insisting that his cat loved his friend more. The contradiction hadn't slipped by her, but she wasn't sure of the meaning behind it. A part of her suspected that he feared that others might not be willing to love him and therefore rebuffed the idea so that he wouldn't be disappointed. It was an extremely sad thought and she hoped that she was wrong on this one. "Cats are not human, so their emotions are not expressed the exact same as a human's, but they can love as cats do and she clearly cares for you a great deal." She met his eyes and smiled. "Who did she purr for again?"

Cassie nodded. "I can certainly understand wanting to do stuff. I feel like I'm just twiddling my thumbs these days," she confessed with an uncomfortable sigh. Shaking her head, she forced those thoughts aside and smiled. "This is really incredible, Howard. I'm impressed."

"Both of us. We were both petting her on the couch and I didn't even realize what she was doing at first." Cassie would be, unfortunately, correct in her suspicions. He does smile back at her, though - at the moment, it doesn't occur to him to be sad. Just a little jealous of Zouichi and his 'cat whisperer' skills.

"Yeah?" He breaks out into a grin, pleased that someone's enjoying his handiwork. "It's not that hard to find something to do here, you know. You could talk to medical about joining, or start a garden, or something like that."

"Cats tend to have a very direct way of telling you what they think of you," she informed him, matching his smile with one her own. "She cares for you both, which makes sense, but it doesn't change the fact that she loves you dearly, Howard." No, she wasn't going to let this go.

"I've thought about it, but I wouldn't be much use as a medic," she admitted, regret in her voice. "I just don't have the skills or knowledge for it unfortunately. As for gardening, I'd try, but I'd probably kill everything fairly quickly. I've never even tried to do it before and I know almost nothing about plants, except which are poisonous for certain kind of animals." She shook her head then and smiled again, "I'll look more though. It's a big ship. There must be some way for me to be of use. Thank you, Howard. It's a good suggestion."

"She bites me too. Not as much as she used to, but she's not totally housebroken," he says, continuing to dodge and deny the assertion that the cat loves him. It scares him, to think the cat may love him. That if he hurt the cat, as, in his mind, he someday might have to, it wouldn't be just violent but also treacherous.

And of course, it doesn't matter what he does for the cat. He knows by now to never really expect devotion to be returned.

"I didn't know jack about medicine before I started training here. It's a thought. I guess I wouldn't mind having you as a coworker." That might be the closest thing Cassie gets to a compliment. "But yeah, keep looking until you find something. There's a bunch of cows over in Hydroponics that need someone to take care of them. All I do is milk them. You strike me as kind of a farm girl - is livestock in your wheelhouse?"

It seemed as though Howard was looking for reasons to deny the simple fact of the matter, which mystified and saddened Cassie. Didn't everyone want to be loved? Why would he try so hard to find reasons as to why it couldn't be true?

"There are variety of possible reasons for that, but it definitely doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. I've no doubt that she cares about you quite a lot." Cassie decided not to force the situation anymore though. It seemed as though the more she insisted, the more uncomfortable it made Howard, which was counterproductive in this situation.

Cassie beamed at the comment. "I'd like the chance to learn more about medicine and working with you would be enjoyable. Maybe you could teach me some? If you have the time." Distinct interest crossed her face at the mention of the cows. "Really? I'd like to be able to help with them. My family actually never really kept cows... our barn was aimed more for keeping hurt animals, although we had some horses there, but I do know some things about cows."

He shakes his head and shrugs it off. He doesn't want to agree with her, and he doesn't like where this conversation is going, so he's going to end it here.

"Maybe. I guess that'd be good practice for me too, right? I mean, you have to really know something to teach it." He gestures towards the direction to the far end of Hydroponics, where the exit is. "Come on, then. I can show you them if you come with me. Maybe you can explain to me why they got six legs."

He starts walking, expecting her to follow so much he doesn't bother to check.

"You're right," she agreed as she followed him. "It tends to take true mastery to teach something and I'd be very grateful to learn all that I can from you."

Her eyes narrowed as she considered Howard's comment about the six-legged cows. That... wasn't right. Could it be a joke? It hadn't sounded like one and who knew what to expect from this place. Every time she thought that she understood it, she found out just how wrong she was. "I... could try, I suppose," she added weakly, "But I've never met a cow with six legs. Do they behave like regular cows or...?" Probably a wise question to ask under the circumstances. In fact, she probably should have asked it a bit earlier.

"I could teach you how to do stitches on a banana, but we don't have bananas to practice on, so. Unless you know from all your animal-saving stuff?"

Howard shrugs. "How should I know? I barely seen a cow before I came here. I just know these cows have too many legs."

"I know a bit," she admitted as they walked. "I've only ever done it for animals before though, so it might be best for me to learn more about it from you." Cassie chuckled softly before adding, "At least with a human, I won't have to worry about being bitten. Trying to stitch up a frightened animal can become an interesting balancing act between actually getting the work done and keeping your patient calm enough so that no one gets hurt. It's well worth the effort though when they're all healed up and ready to go home."

A curious look spread across her face as she considered what Howard had to say about the cows. Given what she'd seen of the animals aboard Stacy, she suspected that they were some type of alien creature. "Do they eat grass and stay close to their herd mates?"

"Sounds like it's harder than people." Honestly, at that point Howard would just kill the animal and eat it, but he knows better than to say that in front of Cassie. She seems too understanding to be horrified, but it can't help things to verbalize that. "Although some people don't want medical help. They just want to yell at us for getting in their way when we do their jobs and sew their body parts back on."

He nods. "From what I can tell. I don't know if they have mates. They're kind of just cows."

Cassie shrugged, offering another smile. "I think that both have their own challenges, but I'm not sure that either is harder. Both need a fair amount of understanding to do properly."

"I suppose that I'll see for myself soon," she answered after another long moment of silence as she further considered the issue. "There are no bulls then? Do they reproduce on their own?"

"I don't understand people and I do a great job. They just don't like me when I'm done." People are idiots, Cassie! And empathy is hard! Working on unconscious people is the easiest part of his job.

Howard gives Cassie a cartoonish exaggerated shrug. "I haven't seen no calves yet. If we do start getting them, I say we're up for veal and rennet. This ship needs some cheese."

A little too late, he hopes Cassie doesn't know that rennet's made of the stomach lining of dead calves.

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