Castle of a Thousand Illusions [Private Plot]

[cityship]

[This is for Team 1: Lash, Zetta, Martha, Howard, Doctor, Chell, Doc, Sumeragi. The first shore leave / observation deck post is here where they can say goodbye to others.]

As they arrived and landed, there was just a small track of land with one large wooden boat. A man, clothed in black, ushered them in. He didn't answer anything, in fact from the way he squeaked from rust, it was easily to see he was mechanical. Even the water didn't look that deep until near the end, as what looked like sharks swam around them menacingly before disappearing abruptly as they arrived in the middle of a black obsidian castle. The landing wasn't gentle, and everyone was pushed against each other, as the boat lifted itself up and dropped them all together on top of stacks of hay.

There were two rooms leading out. One had carved in "YOUNDER MALE OR WHATEVER SPECIES" and the other "YOUNDER DEM BEAUTIES". Inside, each would find leather outfits, and white underwear so there would be no chaffing. They could use their plantsuits for that too. Soft moccasins for their feet too with a note that while it was not era-perfect, they figured they would appreciate not having too many bruises on their feet (at least for now). The leather was pretty fresh from the smell and looked to have been made just the right size for each person too.

Kinda really creepy when you thought about it.

But that wasn't the worst of it, oh no. The doors would not open until everyone was fully clothed. For those that still refused, ghostly white hands came out of the walls and did the deed for them, removing all weapons and putting them in the appropriate attire before giving a thumbs up and disappearing again.

As the second door opened, with a red glowing orb turning green, they could see many doors leading around twisting, moving stairs that somehow didn't quite seem possible.

The sound of a gong going off somewhere. Again. Three times. Suddenly the weather shifted to sunset (and never changed) and one could swear those ghost hands were now throwing plastic seagulls in the air, as they mostly flew for a few seconds and crashed into the walls. Seawater was blasted off from tiny little spray bottles.

A large scroll appeared, dusted itself sending dust bunnies flying into the air and unwounded before them.

ATTENTION CONTESTANTS! WELCOME YE FAIR OF MIND AND BODY, TO THE GREATEST PHYSICAL CHALLENGE IN ALL THE UNIVERSE!

After what sounded like someone thinking about it, coughing, a few more words appeared.

PLEASE HOLD ON WHILE YOUR HOST GREETS YOU, IN JUST A FEW MINUTES. THIS IS OUR PLAN, WHICH WE ARE TELLING YOU, THE CONTESTANTS.

Comments

[cityship]

A spotlight turned on somewhere below with a massive KTHUNK, shining up in a perfectly vertical line through the middle of the staircase.

Another one, then another. Kthunk, kthunk, kthunk, kthunk, click. (The last one was LED. They'd just replaced it to save money.)

"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, BOOKS AND NINJA DOCTORS!" boomed a voice that sounded like someone had taken the Platonic ideal of a game show announcer, extracted its essence, and chained said essence to a wall and made it practice its announcing for fifty years. "WELCOME TO THE CASTLE OF A THOUSAND ILLUSIONS! NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST! SO TERRIFYING, DARKWING DUCK WON'T FLAP IN THE NIGHT; SO WICKED AND EVIL, EVEN FLUTTERSHY WOULD CALL HIM BAD! THE ONE! THE ONLY! YOUKNOWHIMYOULOVEHIMYOUHATETOLOVEHIMLADIESYOUHATEWHATHEDOESTOYOURMOSTTENDERAREASANDYETYOUWISHFORITATNIGHT!"

A void opened in the center of the spotlights, revealing for one second the maddening true primal nature of chaos, so profound and horrible that luckily it couldn't stay in a mortal mind long enough to drive the mortal mad. Out of this Azathothian portal stepped a dapper man in a snappy suit, a picture-perfect smile framed neatly by a smart mustache and snappy goatee. He had a microphone in one hand, and the other over his mouth so he could make the low, breathy "aaaah! aaah!" that sounded vaguely like a distant, cheering crowd.

"CHAOS HIMSELF!" he said into the microphone. Then he tossed it away as he took a bow. "Thank you, thank you!"

[thewunderkind]

Oh sweet the time this guy took to do his bow was the PERFECT TIME for Lash to make a run for it and attempt to kick in THE FACE the lower regions that could probably cause him as much pain as possible.

She hadn't really thought out this plan apart from revenge, punching and kicking.

[indeliblepast]

Sumeragi just. Stared. First at the man who felt the need to do his own sound effects - she wasn't sure as to whether this counted as 'extreme narcisism', 'low budget', or both - and then at Lash, making a mad, angry dash towards him. It briefly crossed her mind that maybe she should intervene - but naaaaaaah. Too much effort.

[fattynoparents]

This could not have been real. She had obviously been administered some kind of Aperture Science experimental hallucinatory drug. Yes. That was it.

That was the only logical explanation for this farce.

[makeherblue]

The Doctor moved to try to stop Lash but she was rather...squirrely, which was surprising considering all that hair she had. Wouldn't think it would be much useful for squirrely-ness.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

That smacking sound that makes an unfortunate echo? That's the sound of Howard facepalming (with both hands) at the spotlights, the speech, and the total buffoon standing on the stage. Oh, and at Lash. He's just going to boycott going on missions with her from now on, because they always end up totally idiotic.

"Okay, so we got Boris. Where's Natasha?"

And where's the exit, because no way is he sitting through another mission where the bad guys are this low budget.

[cityship]

"Ah! I love it when they leap!" Chaos Himself caught the flying CO from the air, then dipped her back and deep to lay a toe-curling kiss on her. Briefly. "Business before pleasure, my dear," he said, slipping a piece of paper into the pocket of her suit.

Abruptly Lash was back on the stairs with everyone else.

"NOW THEN!" Chaos Himself said, raising his arms triumphantly. "Welcome to the Castle of a Thousand Illusions! I'm so glad you all could join us here." He smirked broadly, stroking his goatee with one epicly-manicured hand in a manner that simply oozed showmanship. "You all have the distinct pleasure of undergoing the CHALLENGE OF THE CASTLE! A sealed treasure room awaits you, locked by four locks. To get the keys to this lock, you must undergo the many challenges that I have laid out for you. But even then, the cage which seals the treasure requires a code word to unlock! Further challenges will give you clues to that as well. Obtain the keys, obtain the code word, and stay alive? Why they, you will have conquered THE CASTLE OF A THOUSAND ILLUSIONS!!"

[thewunderkind]

Considering that in Lash's very short mortal life had now both kissed an Overlord and a god of Chaos, one could call it a pretty hefty portfolio for the first two men who touched your lips in your life. However from the way she coughing right now and trying to wash the her tongue with her hand, wishing for a perfect stranger to appear with a bar of soap and offer it to her.... she was royally pissed.

"GROSS GROSS GROSS!"

But not stupid to try that again. But if looks could kill...the Chaos guy would be dead right now. She could care less of cash prizes as an opportunity to give the guy some serious physical damage.

[indeliblepast]

Well, that had gone better than anticipated. Nobody had died, for one thing. Lash looked horrified by the whole mess, but her fault. More to the point was what the man had said.

"So... this is some sort of crazy game, then?"

[badassfreakingoverlord]

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" the Overlord roared. "NO ONE SAID YOU COULD KISS LASH!"

[cityship]

"Game? Why, perhaps. Certainly you will find it... a CHALLENGE!" Chaos Himself bowed again, grandly.

"Oh, and we shan't have any of your pesky powers and abilities ruining it for everyone, now can we?" He lifted his hands, then dramatically clapped them twice.

With a wrench, Chaos Himself casually stripped them of their powers and supernatural abilities. For some of them, for the first times in their lives, they had no more power than the average human.

[badassfreakingoverlord]

Mid-rant, Zetta lost his powers.

The now-perfectly-ordinary book dropped to the stairs, then began tumbling down them. Tumbling, and tumbling, and tumbling, and there it was coming at them again, tumbling past them and down the stairs.

Hey, could someone stop that thing?

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Howard grabs Zetta off the stairs, figuring it's probably best to give Badass of the Overunderwhatever a reason to like him.

He also makes a mental note not to try to kick Chaos, because he's pretty sure the shame would literally kill him if he got kissed. Literally.

He relaxes about a hair, though. Keys, codewords, puzzles? That's way better than a physical challenge, which is what he thought at first. He's good at mental stuff, and the only thing he's really good at physically is running far far away from dangerous things.

[thewunderkind]

Woops Howard you just got violently shoved as Lash takes Zetta away from you.

"What the hell?!" He wasn't moving. She shook him violently, because this was obviously how you woke demonic books up. Right.

Right?!

Not that she cared or anything.