Let me at the truth [ closed ]

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

Morning (maybe it was morning, who really knew any more) found Kaylee tucked quietly away in her hammock in Serenity’s engine room. It was easier to think here, in her own little corner of the world. She found focus alongside the ship’s engine, and that was what she really needed right now. Focus.

There was a lot to think about. Old memories, plans, feelings. There were new memories now, too, that only served to amplify the old. Forgetting Early for that short time hadn’t been so bad, and even now she wished it was a moment that had stayed gone, but losing her memories of her ship... It hadn’t been troubling at the time, of course it hadn’t. Now, though, thinking about it? About how worried people had been, and the sheer amount of time she had lost to something so small as a clock chime. This was definitely a Stacy Event that Kaylee never wanted to revisit.

She had spent days thinking about it, hours wasted in trying to sort things out while she hid in that hammock, and decisions had to be made. There were feelings and memories now, so fresh in her mind, that she had to make a decision, had to sort things out now before they got too sticky and complicated later. It tore her apart to make them, but with rocks in her stomach and her heart in her throat Kaylee pushed herself out of the hammock, out of Serenity, down to the city.

This was not going to go over well.

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[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

Dean had spent the time struggling over his own memories. The fact he had to reveal more of what had happened to him in the Pit. How it changed him. So many secrets he couldn't hide behind anymore. He was just grateful not more saw that side of him. It would have been worse if she had seen him like that.

Though the fact it was still a part of him made him wonder if he could ever completely escape that side. Elements of his life had reached out to hurt the people he cared about already, and he couldn't let that keep happening. He had located the small piece of metal that he had made a special stop in XaXing to purchase, and it laid there, burning a hole in his pocket. He glanced over the house and its expansion before he started to walk in the direction of the Hangar.

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

It was a hard decision to make, and seeing Dean walking toward her, seemingly on a mission of his own, made it that much more difficult. Sighing inwardly, Kaylee gave him a small smile and waved him closer.

"Hey Dean," she started, a little softer than she normally might have. "You got a bit?"

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

There was a tentative smile in turn, trying to bolster some cheer for her.

"For you beautiful, any time." He knew she went through her own trip down memory lane, and looked a little rough around the edges. But that should be ok, right?

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

"Yeah." His smile made her feel just a little bit worse, and Kaylee did her best not to turn around and walk away right then. Best to do this now, and not get somewhere they both didn't want to be.

"Dean..."

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

And just like that, her expression made his own smile slip off his features. He had a bad feeling about this.

"Yeah, uh Kaylee. What's up, baby?"

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

Suddenly, she didn't seem to know what to do with her hands. She couldn't cross them, or put them in her pockets, and they didn't feel right just dangling at her sides, either.

Focus. She tried to keep her face somewhat neutral as she looked up at Dean, but the sadness of what she needed to do and the fear of how he might react still showed, plain as day. "I...don't know where to start on this..." Deep breath. "But I've been thinkin' on it, ever since the clock ordeal, and I. I think we...you and me..."

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

Shit. Shit. He knew this. It was like Cassie again.

Only a thousand times worse. Yeah, the freaking clock shook things up, but it wasn't just that was it? Sure he wished they had seen each other more, and he missed her. But it's a big ass ship and they got their duties.

His own face darkened as he commented, "Kaylee. Kaywinnit, just freaking spit it out already."

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

It wasn't all the clock, she knew. It was time, and missions, and gorram Reavers in the hold, and feelings that were so muddled that she didn't know what was what anymore. But none of that was easy to say, and Dean wasn't exactly one for excuses.

Hearing her full name stung, and Kaylee carefully set her jaw before continuing. This was going to hurt both of them, she knew it would before she even made the choice. There was no turning back now, though. Ai ya.

"Think we need a break. Maybe more than a break." Jaw firm and eyes watering--nothing she could do to stop that--Kaylee braced herself for his reaction.

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It's what he thought. Goddammit. The anger and hurt shredding him help to harden his breaking heart against her tearful face. If it was hurting her so much, why is she saying it anyway? His hands briefly clenched in fists before slowly relaxing again.

"We need a break or *you* need a break?"

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

There it was, exactly as she expected, but the feeling was worse. Kaylee didn't dare to look away from him, though. She needed to stay firm, or she was going to break down completely.

"We. We've both been distant lately, Dean. You can blame it on me all you like, say it's me needin' the break, but I think we both got things we need to figure out."

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

Dean scoffed, his own face hardening further, "Oh come on, you know I couldn't let you get near any of that crap. Not after that demon. And with the musical chairs going on in Security somebody had to pick up the fucking slack. I had it figured out!"

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

"You couldn't," she repeated, carefully enunciating each letter. "You couldn't, Dean, when you should be able to. We should be able to share anythin' and everything, and you can't even let me get close enough to help what's botherin' you."

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

Dean shook his head, running a shaky hand over his head, "No, Kaylee. I can't. That part was never supposed to see the light of day again." He wanted to hole up, remain silent. Then again, she wanted to push away anyway. Fine. Give her an idea of the monster.

He then bluntly stated, "Remember when you told me about that Early fuckhead? What he threatened to do? He was pure amateur hour. Most demons in the Pit get past that level in their first decade. Hell I tried kill Sam for God's sake."

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

He probably couldn't have hurt her more if he tried with that one. Something in Kaylee's mouth shifted.

"We all done terrible things, Dean, and it sure as hell ain't stuff we like or feel like we can live with sometimes. I can't ever even pretend to know what you've gone through, or how any of it feels. I only know what I know. But if you can't let me in to help you, and you just keep pushing me away like this?" She shook her head. "I can't do it, Dean. I can't sit by and watch you tear yourself apart when I got so many other people to help too."

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

It was part of his intention. Plus he was hurting too, and didn't mind some payback at the moment.

"Yeah, that's just it. You can't. The point was to keep that crap away from you. You don't need it. You getting possessed just proved it." He still thought the more exposure she had, the higher the risk of the Winchester bad luck cursing her with them.

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

"Don't you get it, Dean?" Kaylee sighed, fighting to keep her hands from clenching into fists. "You shouldn't have to keep it away from me, alright? You should trust me to take care of myself as much as you, and vice-versa. You can't cuddle me and pretend I'm gonna be perfectly fine if you hide yourself away from me. It don't work like that, and you know it. And don't go blamin' the possession, it had nothin' to do with anything. It hit up half the gorram boat!"

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

Dean shot back at her, "Look you know my life sucked before this. You knew I had all this crap, but you agreed to stick through it."

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

She almost didn’t know what to say to that. He had a point. “Yes, I knew,” she said finally, “but I figured you’d at least trust me enough to share them with me. Serves me right, overestimating what you thought of me.”

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

He stared at her and bit his lip before angrily retorting, "Goddammit, Kaylee! I trust you, hell only person who knows more than you about me on this ship is Sam and Cas. And Cas only because that weird mind reading mojo that angels can do.". Well also he had some odd bond with the angel after his rescue from hell too. However that was a whole thing going on.

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

"Oh, well, excuse me for not bein' able to read that gorram mind of yours, too." She took a deep breath, trying to get some kind of hold on herself. "Just. It's done, Dean, and throwin' arguments around ain't gonna change that."

[notadamnangel.livejournal.com]

Dean's hands clenched into fists this time, and he stepped forward menacing, almost violent. He didn't say another word. What was the point? She had her mind made up before he even spoke. Figures she would leave him. Just like everybody else. This attempt at a normal life was bullshit and not for him. He brought one hand up, but only to rip the diamond ring out of his pocket, and drop it to the ground before leaving. It's just trash anyway.

Like him.

[voiceofserenity.livejournal.com]

Kaylee stared. It was several moments before she could find it in her to move. Some of it was fear, but most...

Guilt. Sorrow. Both were overwhelming.

Quietly, she wiped tears she hadn't realized were there away and bent down to pick up the ring. She didn't know what to think of it. Dean had been ready. She obviously hadn't been.

Tā mā de yǔzhòu.