trans_9 | Percival Phoenix and the Promise of Tomorrow

Percival looks at each of the threats in turn -- the Death Ray, Neutro™, Gamera, the Death Ray, Neutro™, the redshirts, Gamera, the Death Ray, that angry government employee waving his clipboard around and complaining about workplace safety standards, Neutro™, Gamera.

Wait, this was no time to be indecisive! Not with Daisy's life at stake! He ran towards the Death Ray, firing a few shots at Neutro™ just to keep her distracted. "Daisy!" he cried, with the perfect amount of mournful wistfulness in his tone. "WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU? WHAT. HAVE. THEY. DOOOOOONE?"

He was apparently completely ignoring the Death Ray's control panel, despite currently being the one closest to it.

Sakura thought it was pretty obvious. "THEY'VE RUINED MY NEW DRESS!" Her tears were like diamonds as she swayed in the wind, precariously decent.

... Very precariously.

Anwei was not entirely confident that Percival could be trusted to pay attention to the redshirts instead of wailing at Daisy, er, Sakura. Chase and Zouichi had their targets, but Howard was undefended. And there were still too many of the redshirts on their feet: a bumbling, burly brigade of buffoo-

She bit her tongue, barely. Then opened her jaws wide, hissed like a snake that could devour worlds, and charged.

The impetus of her attack hurtled the redshirts entirely out of frame, and into that empty space spurted blood: jets of blood that would put a fire engine to shame. Screams and shouts and the crackle of what might be breaking bones or just the sounds of stalks of celery being twisted by the Foley guys filled the air, along with enough blood to fill several swimming pools.

When Anwei reappeared, her costume and face were spotless except for a single drop of blood at one corner of her mouth. Of course. She moved to watch Howard's back, and offer advice if she could.

"Holy #$@%..."

Unfortunately, in real life, there are no discretion cuts. Howard sees exactly what Anwei does to those red shirts - whose shirts are now the blacky-red-purple of fresh pools of blood. He stands frozen for exactly one second before getting back to what he was doing (sneaking and not retching at the carnage, right!).

Hey, wait a minute.

"What am I doing trying to disable this thing when I've got a tech geek ripping open jugulars right behind me? Anwei, stick with me."

What where her minions doing?

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?" No! No no no no! Something was going wrong! Lady Deathtruction NEUTRO™ was very displeased with her minions suddenly become freelance officers.

"If that's what you get for allowing you to serve under me you will also suffer the conseque--" she didn't continue as the large skull from her cape was ripped away by Zouichi's hands, and the cape slowly blew away in the wind.

"WHAT THE #$%!#%^!%?!" Dude, that was terrible sportsmanship. "!$!#$%@%^!" NEUTRO™ didn't like it at all, if her mouth and a series of beeps was any indication. "And one more thing you $#%!$%. I have the power of a thousand suns and lighting storms in my hands. With it, I will destroy the very essence of your life! EAT MY FIST!" She punched him.

...rather weakly.

"!#$%#% It appears the cape always powered my death fingers. How unconventional."

"We'll get you a new dress, Daisy!" Percival cried, working feverishly at the ropes that served to bind her to the Death Ray. Unfortunately, he only had an E in Untying, so rather than loosening the ropes, he ended up tightening them. In fact, by now the relatively straightforward knots that bound Daisy had exploded into a nightmare Moebius loop hell of rope frizz and splinters.

He paused for a moment to rub his magnificent chin in thought -- or what, for Percival Phoenix, approximated thought.

"It seems that perhaps I should take a different tack here and--"

He whirled, Atomizer Ray in hand, firing at Gamera. Of course! It wasn't that he was woefully inept at untying ropes, it was all these distractions lumbering about! Once those were taken care of, he could go back to addressing what was important -- JUSTICE!

...wait, no, it was... erm...

"DAISY!" He shouted, half as a mental note to revisit this topic later.

Zouichi blinked for a moment as Lash struck him, fully expecting the logic of the setting to dictate that he be blown violently backward by her blow.

Nothing happened.

Unfortunately, by this time an extremely dedicated redshirt (who probably should have been issued a raise by now) had worked up the courage to attack. With a piercing screech that could only have been inspired by heartfelt loyalty, or perhaps mortal terror of being on the wrong end of NEUTRO™'s official employee termination package, he tackled Zouichi, catching him off guard and sending them both tumbling down a flight of nearby stairs.

"How's that Death Ray coming, Howard?" he shouted in the brief pause as he reached the landing, even as the redshirt came at him swinging. Boy, this guy was persistent. He was like a super redshirt.

She hadn't meant to DO that! She'd only meant to knock the redshirts down, but they were like marshmallow dummies or something. Marshmallow that squirted blood in all directions when you touched it. The blood smell was around her now, in her brain, urging her to drop down on her prey, to rend and tear and feed...

She didn't do that. Teeth clenched, she guarded Howard's back while casting decidedly unimpressed looks at Percival's antics with the ropes. She didn't have any weapon except for her teeth, but in a burst of inspiration she grabbed the clipboard from the government flunkie and started swinging, paperwork fluttering around her with each blow. The redshirts' skulls were apparently as soft as the rest of them, and they toppled with aplomb (if perhaps a bit too much flailing).

There's a button.

For a split-second, Howard's completely flabbergasted that there is an actual. Button.

Just one.

A big, shiny red button with 'DO NOT PUSH' written in white and capital letters that would scream to anyone under the age of ten to press that button like it'd launch a rocket. Which it probably will given this scenario.

Howard's stupid logical brain says don't touch that. The part of Howard that is still an annoying teenager just screams PRESS THAT MOTHER$%#@ER.

Without even consulting Anwei, he slams his hand down on the button and prays he doesn't blow them all to $%#@.

"Try not to die while I maybe kill us, Zou!"

And high above, for some bizarre reason, Sakura has slipped out of her bonds... precisely because they were tightened. Wearing even less than before (somehow) she is managing to use her former bindings to rappel down the DEATHRAY.

The backside.

Yes.

Somehow, this is entirely happening.

With her sliding away from the hero she adores.

LIFE IS FULL OF HARD DECISIONS. And decency ratings.

It was highly likely no one had noticed her escaping yet at this point, even as she shouts out something devoured by the wind ~~and several large fans~~.

Chase, finding his hammer lacks its usual magical punch, settles for distracting Gamera, dodging giant paw swipes, even diving between the monster's legs at one point, doing a pretty good job keeping it occupied, slamming Truck Stop at its feet or its knees any time he needs to keep its attention while the others figure out the death ray.

Gamera was now jumping on one foot due to the attacks from Chase.

NEUTRO™, on the other hand, watched as Zouichi was tackled by Super Redshirt aptly and ironically named Red Green (who was getting a raise after this was done), before turning around and realizing her captive was gone. Again.

"$#%@%^$#@!$%!$%!!!!" Really, the censoring man's finger was bleeding at the end when she was done.

The entire sky and lair began to glow red.

"!$%!$% WHO IS THE IDIOT THAT ACTIVATED THE SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE?!"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, NEUTRO™!" Percival crowed, apparently failing to realize that his archnemesis was referring to Howard and not himself.

Oh, wait. Destruction was good. Self-destruction was bad.

Time for some serious firepower! He twisted the Atomizer Ray's adjustment knob, past 'Zap', 'Pow', 'Destructify' and 'Defibrillate'... all the way to its maximum setting, which appeared to be labeled 'VAPORIZE: DANGER DO NOT USE REMEMBER LAST TIME'.

"Your nefarious plans will never succeed as long as I, PERCIVAL PHOENIX, am here to foil them! HA!" A brilliant green ray beam shot from the Atomizer, aimed directly for the Death Ray.

The ray bounced off the raygun...and in a comical turnabout way, bounced around every shiny surface until it zapped the giant rubber monster straight in the middle of its eyes.

The great beast roar its last and melted into a giant puddle of burnt ash. The entire room suddenly smelled like burned tires.

Well, so much for that plan.

Zouichi grabbed poor Mr. Green (who was probably only in this gig to earn some money to bring home to support his lovely henchwife and their adorable henchchildren) by the arm and threw him bodily down the remaining stairs.

Of which there were an apparently endless number. Or something. Zouichi tried to avoid looking down. Or listening to the piteous wails. That guy should have known when to give up.

Everything was starting to glow redder and redder, the thick molten gleam that can only be achieved by the finest in over-the-counter optical tinting. A terrible vibration seemed to be forming somewhere as the Death Ray prepared to destroy itself – and everything around it! And everyone.

"#*&%<^!" Anwei cursed. She turned, slowly; the air was suddenly thick around her, her feet slowed by a weight like water. Slowly, too slowly, she ran at Neutro™, dodging the few remaining redshirts, hands out in front of her. Something in the possessed woman's costume had to be the mind control device, it had to be! And if they didn't get it off her before this place exploded, she was certainly going to refuse to leave. In fact, she'd probably be atop the Death Ray howling "NO! NOOOOO!!" at the critical moment.

Even Anwei had seen enough movies to know that trope.

Zouichi had already disposed of the cape and its skull clasp; Anwei's hands slowly, slowly, started ripping at Neutro™'s costume. Her own costume floated around her with her movements, and her brassiere's contents surged with the steady rhythm of the sea. This glove? No, the mad look in Neutro™'s eye was undimmed! The red velvet gorget went flying – no result. Costume pieces were drifting around them like leaves floating through syrup.

It had to be something else, but there wasn't time to fool around with buttons or lacing. You'd need a knife to get her out of this costume in time....or a set of forty razor-sharp teeth. And tearing the clothes off a screaming, swearing, struggling woman with her teeth?

Child's play. Literally.

(Somewhere out of sight, one could almost hear the Ratings Board going tut-tut.)

Howard, being That Idiot Who Activated the Self-Destruct Sequence, has taken this opportunity to dodge and hide. He's a sidekick, remember! He can't be in that dramatic final shot until all the dust settles! Besides, minors should never be in the same frame as women tearing each others' clothes off. That's grounds for a lawsuit.

Also, unsurprisingly, most of the red shirts seem preoccupied with running, which Howard has to admit is a very appealing idea.

The place was already wired to explode... just before, it was on his schedule. Now... well, he's used to this, honestly. His wife is a demolitions expert and all... so being on a tier before everything blows sky high is almost like old times... and, of course, he's pretty sure they're going to get out with one second left... leaving plenty of time to watch Anwei tear Lash's clothes off with her teeth.

What?

Ok, sure, he could help. But really, he's had to suffer through Percival Phoenix. He deserves this... or something.

"Blood Queen? Why is your cleavage coming o--WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!"

She attempted to swat the other girl away, but every time she hit her, Anwei seemed to but cutting more clothing than before and making it worse. Henchmen came to the Lady's aid, but everyone was swatted away before anything happened.

At some point, someone had dumped mud on the both of them, probably from the mud vac that stood in the air above them. For some reason. Maybe an attempt to either garner even more tension or to just cover up the fact that Lash was ending up half naked at this.

"I SWEAR I WILL BLOW UP YOUR FACE IN AND..HEY HEY--" Finally, the goggles fell off, and Dr. Lady Deathtruction NEUTRO™ fall into a heap on the floor.

Half naked.

Meanwhile, ~~backstage~~, Sakura managed to hit the ground.

And promptly tripped over an extension cord. "Aieeeee!" What had she just unplugged?!

"B-Blood Queen, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Percival stammered, horrified, even as the clothes flew. "This... this is not suitable for childrens' eyes! What will the Jovian Ratings Board say? I have an interview with Galaxy Savior Weekly next month! Stop that at once!"

What had gone wrong? Why was this happening to him?

Uh, yeah, what were they doing, screaming up -- oh. Zouichi turned his gaze politely away from Lash's half-dressed state, looking around instead for some sort of escape route or... something, when a familiar scream rent the air.

"Sakura?!"

"My head hurts," Lash managed to stammer, not completely realizing the state she was currently in.

Meanwhile, the countdown on the Death Ray had been slowly ticking down.

"Self destruction in 5... 4..." announced a bored female voice, who sounded like maybe she'd prefer informing them whether the white zone was for loading or unloading. "3... 2..."

The numbers on the display stopped at exactly 00:01.

The lights in the lair were still flashing red, of course, but no explosion occurred. Instead, the remaining redshirts began shuffling out, discouraged, though one or two reappeared with mops and buckets to begin scrubbing at the remains of the rubber suit monster.

Percival put his fists on his hips (careful not to stab himself with his own Atomizer Ray). "Another job well done, chums! Leave it to PERCIVAL PHOENIX to put a stop to Dr. Lady Deathtruction NEUTRO™ and her nefarious Death Ray!"

A pause, as he rubbed his (magnificent!) chin with the fingers of one beefy hand. "Although... well, I guess you all helped, too. I mean, not that PERCIVAL PHOENIX couldn't have finished the job without you. But you got me thinking. Maybe the evil minions can be rehabilitated, get respectable day jobs, start normal families instead of henchfamilies! I mean, if even Nuon and the Blood Queen could be persuaded to change their spots..."

He grinned widely, displaying a perfect set of white, even teeth that sparkled brilliantly in the rosy aura cast by the warning lights flooding the evil lair. "Maybe there's even help for Dr. Lady Deathtruction NEUTRO™! Er, well. What I mean to say is... thank you for lending a hand."

Howard lets out a sigh of relief at seeing that the numbers have, of course, thank God, stopped with exactly one second left on the timer.

Looks like his talent for pushing people's buttons finally came in handy. Sort of. He looks around at the mess. Lash, half-naked and covered in mud, looking dazed. Anwei with clothing in her mouth. Chase looking like he's sort of enjoying this - he would, wouldn't he? And where the hell are Zouichi, Sakura and Bugman?

And of course, Percival Phoenix taking all the credit and deigning to offer them the slightest thanks. Good going, Percy. Because they totally didn't have to do most of the work for him.

"Does anyone need a medic?" he asks weakly. Aside from the red shirts (or what's left of them) scattered (sometimes quite literally) all over the place.

Percival Phoenix and the Promise of Tomorrow

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