trans_9 | Monsters and Mazes

"Look, I'm TELLING you, what's-"

Bowser followed the king's gesture and stared, momentarily flabbergasted. "Wait, you RIDE those things?" Whatever happened to the two-legged dinosaurs or flying machines or super-solid clouds that you can steer?

... on second thought, he HAD skipped lunch, so once he got there...

"-- okay, fine, I'll take one to go. No fries with that!" Bowser immediately starts clomping out the throne room, making a beeline toward the stables.

It didn't take long to get Bowser set up with a large black horse carrying him across the countryside towards the mountain range in the distance. The brave and...somewhat ugly hero proudly rushing into danger for the heart of a beautiful maid.

Oh or...the money.

Money's always good. Or land. Or magical artifacts that may or may not help him take over the world. (By now, Bowser's half-forgotten that this is only a Sensorium exercise.)

In any case, the Koopa King/Barbarian quickly arrived at what MIGHT be the one particular mountain marked on the map and lurched off his horse, clumsily tying it to a tree via its tether.

Now that his emergency rations wouldn't run off, Bowser turned to glare at the mountain. "DRAGON! AZZLE! WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS!" he roared. "SHOW YOUR UGLY MUG OR I'M TEARING THE MOUNTAIN DOWN TO GET AT YOU!!"

A silence of stoney defience.

Or he might just not have heard Bowser.

Hard to imagine, people on the other side of the ship probably heard Bowser, but either way the dragon didn't come down to greet the brave hero. Sorry dude. At least there's a nice simple path that winds it's way up the side of the mountain?

Of course. It's NEVER that easy, and Bowser probably would've laughed at a final boss who comes all the way out of his trap-filled dungeon just because a hero called.

... but Bowser was CERTAINLY no hero, so as he trudged up the mountain, he grumbled under his breath about this stupid dragon's lack of respect and how the Koopa King was going to cram this battle axe up where the sun doesn't shine.

The path was long, and steep, and low and behold the first problem would spring in front of Bowser, knife in hand.

"HOLD IT!" The bandit snarled. He was clad all in black and had pointed features, probably an elf.

"We'll be taking all your gold traveler, and that fancy axe of yours!" Another voice from behind him. Another Bandit, this one in brown and holding a crossbow.

Bowser didn't look particularly concerned, even at the crossbowman hopping out behind him. He had his shell to protect him, after all (momentarily forgetting that half-orcs don't HAVE that). So what did Bowser do?

He threw his head back and laughed long and hard. "This is rich! YOU wanna steal from ME, and you only brought two of you? Do you have any idea who you're dealing with, you soft-boiled punks?"

Bowser suddenly stopped laughing, all traces of mirth gone from his ugly mug. "NOBODY steals from the Koopa King!" he roared, hurtling forward and swinging his battle axe like a big, nasty baseball bat.

The Bandit was taken aback by the sudden rush and stumbled scrambling for cover. "Geeze! Get him Donny get him!"

The other one opened fire with the crossbow shooting at Bowser's back trying to find a hole in Bowser's armor.

Bowser continued charging at the unfortunate knife-wielder, the second bandit's crossbow bolts only scoring glancing hits on his armor (by pure dint of luck). The dragon turtle kept swinging, trying to force the bandit back with sheer force and, with luck, turn him into mincemeat.

The bandit was fast...but not fast enough. The Axe found it's mark and he gurgled in a not E for Everyone fashion as Bowser claimed the first half of his victory.

The second Bandit cried out in fury and anguish. "You're going down now orc!!!" He rushed Bowser throwing aside his crossbow with a knife in each hand.

Bad idea, Bandit B. Bowser would have been in a bad spot if he'd tried to charge someone with a crossbow, plate armor or no...

As it is, he clumsily turned to face this new threat, grinning like a shark. "I'M A KOOPA, NOT AN ORC!" Bowser roared, meeting the bandit's charge with a swing of his new favorite weapon.

This one was faster in his fury falling to the ground to avoid the slash and rolling forward trying to bury his knives into Bowser's legs.

One of the knife skitters off the armor, but the other cuts deep, causing a large gash.

"OW! You rotten sunnova-" Before he can lose his balance, Bowser returns the favor by propelling himself forward off of his good leg and trying to bisect the bandit mid-roll.

Flashy and effective! That's two bandits now turned into four half bandits and Bowser is all the more powerful for it!

Some victory music seems to be playing and as a reward a bag of coins falls from the sky and lands on the ground at Bowser's feet. Not bad for a days work. But there's plenty of time left in the day to do better.

"That's what I THOUGHT." Bowser kicked one half of Bandit A spitefully before instantly regretting it. Sheesh, what a mess.

The Koopa King didn't question the music, but he DID look up into the sky, trying to find whoever dropped the coins (but only AFTER he pocketed them just in case someone came down to ask whether he'd seen them or not). "Hey, if you're gonna throw free money at people, how about something for the leg, huh?" he called up.

As if the gods had a sense of humor a roll of bandages fell from the sky to bounce off Bowser's nose in response. It'll have to do.

"OW!"

... well, Bowser isn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth, but that's not going to stop him from shooting glares at the sky and muttering darkly as he clumsily bandages his leg before getting a move on.

He wouldn't have fire to go, Another monster was just ahead at a camp, a large hairy beast dressed like the bandits had been. He was cooking a roast over a fire on a spear.

"Huh." He remarked taking a bite out of the roast, "The boys aren't supposed to let anyone get this far without robbing them blind."

"Really? You're gonna have to take that up with all four halves of those two," Bowser retorted, crossing his arms with an all-too-smug grin on his face. "So are you gonna let me through or do I have to make it a total of SIX halves?"

The leader of the Bandits groaned and stood up taking another bite and chewing thoughtfully, "We get paid pretty good by the Dragon not to let anyone up there. What can you offer other then a supposed beatdown?" He was about Bower's height, maybe even a little taller.

Bowser didn't bat an eye at the bandit's height- he's bigger minions, after all. What he SAID, though, gave the Koopa King pause.

"Wait, you're telling me that AZZLE paid you?" he asked, slightly incredulously. "Old lizard-breath's got a bit more brains than I thought!"

"Sure he did! Wouldn't want anyone getting up there he wasn't ready for after all." He took another chomping bite off his meal and let the juices run down his chin, pretty smug and relaxed. He apparently had no real concern about Bowser.

That smugness was getting on Bowser's nerves. "Here's a hint: whatever he's paying you isn't enough to deal with someone like me, so shove off and let me through or I'm turning you to mincemeat. Deal?"

"Just because you cut down my men doesn't mean you'll find me as easy a target ugly." The Bandit leader chuckled and jerked his spear sending the last chunk of sopping roast at Bowser's face.

And while he was distracted with that, attempted to sweep the legs.

"UGLY!? Why you-" When the meat started flying, Bowser's first reaction was to hunker down and shield himself with his shell, so he avoided all but the juice of the roast.

The problem is that he got a spear haft across the chest, instead. "GAH!" Bowser staggered back a step or two, doubled-over in apparent pain.

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