trans_9 | Free ice cream! [open]

Alex sat beneath the shade of a large tree in a decent sized park. Those familiar with New York might recognize the sky scrapers in the distance, even if they didn't recognize the park itself. Parked on a small service road was an ice cream truck with a merry vendor, who claimed that it was customer appreciation day, and was thus giving ice cream away for free.

Alex was already enjoying a chocolate and strawberry cone covered in sprinkles and caramel syrup, wondering if anyone would bother showing up to spend time with him, or even be interested in sensorium ice cream in the first place.

Either way, Alice seemed thrilled, as she pulled what appeared to be pink chocolate chips from a jar labelled "Yogis". Reaching out to pet Alice, Alex laughed a bit, "Don't get used to eating s-so many." sensorium food might not mess with her health, but once they got home, it would be the real thing once again. He figured that she deserved the treat as much as he deserved the ice cream anyway.

[OOC: Post to Alex or to other people if you'd like.]

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He flinched from each word like a whip was being laid across his back. He backed away from Zouichi, and away from the shadow that had erupted around him. A bit of panic rose in him, and the desire to either run or break down in tears, but he managed to take no more than a few steps back, and to hold back his tears. His oversized hoodie slid off a shoulder as he cringed, showing a badly scarred strip of skin between the elbow, where the jacket fell, and the bottom of the tee-shirt sleeve. He clenched his teeth against the verbal blows, and stayed frozen like that for a moment after Zouichi apologized, still expecting a physical strike.

Studying his sneakers, he muttered, "I-I'm s-sorry," and let it hang in the air for a moment. "I-I d-didn't mean it that way. I j-just see a-all the p-pain people are i-in in hopeless s-situations. I d-don't think th-those people don't d-deserve to exist, b-but I k-keep wondering, would it b-be better if they d-didn't?" He pulled the jacket shoulder back onto his before massaging the joint a bit. "B-but that isn't m-my place t-ta judge."

Zouichi didn't miss that scar, and Alex's posture, almost like that of a beaten dog, well. That made him feel even worse about yelling at the poor kid.

"No, I... I know that you didn't mean it that way. It's just that... I was created for a very express purpose, and the bottom line is, I failed at it, utterly." It didn't really matter that what had brought the final axe down was the Ohm, rather than N5S. Not to Zouichi, anyway. That one task had been his only task, his only purpose. Without it, what reason was there for him to exist?

"...I can't tell you how many people I've seen die because of what happened. People I didn't know, friends..." And the one woman who was the closest thing he could call to being his mother, of course, let's not forget that.

He shook his head. "I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

Alex kept studying his sneakers, unable to even hold his chin up. He was usually very poor at making eye-contact, but right now he was feeling bad about having seemed to imply that those people who lost their lives lost didn't deserve them. He quietly bit his lip, scarcely breathing. "I-it's all right, Zouichi," he said as he raised a hand to his face and massaged his forehead. "I just... well, I d-don't like the idea o-of someone else f-feeling like they need t-ta do something they d-don't want to. I-it doesn't n-need ta b-be your only r-reason f-for living..."

He tried to keep images of his own mother's death from his mind. Looking away from the starved beggars on the street was a much easier matter.

"I understand what you were trying to say. And I do appreciate it. I suppose, objectively..." He paused for a long moment. "It might indeed be better to be instantly destroyed than to live out your life in fear and hiding. Perhaps it is selfish to want to restore a world like that."

After all, hadn't there been humans who'd taken their own lives, preferring a swift death to the DRF's so-called "baptism"? If there were ordinary humans left now, what chance did they have, really, of surviving?

"But... what other choice is there?"

Alex sighed and sat cross-legged where he had been standing. "I... I dunno. Y-you g-got lucky, you g-got the chance t-ta escape. If th-things happen here th-that give you a r-reason t-ta not g-go back and f-fight, that g-give you a chance at s-something else, you c-can take it. I g-guess, i-it'd also b-be unfair if you d-decided ta not r-restore the world yourself, b-but then, i-it's sorta unfair if y-you do..."

He shook his head and let it hang, his hair falling down in front of his face. "I s-stay up a-all night s-sometimes, wondering what if the ch-choice for the f-fate of my world c-comes down to me? S-sometimes I h-have nightmares th-that the people s-start c-coming after me for my ch-choice, whichever one I went with that n-night."

Zouichi moved to lean against the nearby tree. "I'm not sure what that 'something else' would be. Being on this ship... it's not that a peaceful environment is a bad thing, but I feel as though I'm losing a part of myself. The longer I'm here, the easier it seems to simply give up and accept that Earth was destroyed, to simply move on."

But that essentially would mean leaving behind half of himself, wouldn't it?

He smiled wryly. "Looks like I've got one up on you, then. I don't sleep much."

Alex laughed darkly, "D-don't, or don't n-need to? I'll b-be jealous if you d-don't need to."

He sighed, playing with the edge of his shoelace and slowly tearing at the aglet. "I'm n-no warrior. I'm g-glad for the peace, b-but I figured a w-war would be l-less... well, peaceful? Still, I don't think responsibilities and d-duties need ta d-define you. Who w-we are's always ch-changing. Some ch-changes are bigger than others, b-but it's not like abandoning a d-duty makes you l-less... you."

"Both, I suppose. I don't need to eat much, either." Which was pretty handy aboard this ship, because slop wasn't really anyone's idea of a good time.

"This ship has already required me to adapt well beyond what I was originally intended to do," he said. "I think that might be a good thing in your case, Alex. I'm not so sure about myself."

He smiled, then straightened to leave. "But... thank you for your concern."

Alex smiled a bit, "Another thing w-we have in c-common then. I only n-need a meal or t-two a d-day, if I just eat small shadows. I c-can go longer if I eat l-larger ones.

"I g-guess, s-seeing shadows all the time, it m-makes me worry a lot."

Zouichi nodded. "Pretty convenient. This may be impossible advice to follow, Alex, but... try not to worry too much. I'm sure your friends would want you to be happy, regardless of your choices."

He left with a wave, setting off to think about what Alex had said.

Free ice cream! [open]

He's bad at realizing the effect of the things he says... orz

oh god poor thing D:

orz I feel like a jerk about making his past the way it is sometimes...

Guilt-off gooooo

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