trans_9 | Morning Meditation

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Morning Meditation

The next morning, Katara woke up with a slight headache. It could have been worse, she knew it, but she knew what would help: a morning bath. She got up slowly, petting a sleeping Zhin before walking over toward the baths, a towel in hand. She made a bee line toward the co-ed baths, taking a quick dive deep in the water, and cleaning thoroughly. It was early enough that she thought she wouldn't bother anyone, and after a wash she went straight to the hot springs, towel wrapped around her chest and down to her knees.

She settled down, breathing deeply, closing her eyes a moment. After everything, it was good to just sit, relax, take everything in. There was still so much uncertainty, and there was definitely some pain, but she needed to stay focused, needed to be what was needed, especially now. How was Billy doing, was Matt recovering from his foray with darkness? There was still so much going on, and she needed to keep focused on training and the next step with the Outsiders.

She sat quietly, breathing in, breathing out. She couldn't be overwhelmed or things would be worse. There were reasons, after all, she still kept her head high: there was still so many things to do.

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"I can't see how you will," Katara insisted. "Just don't show her special attention and act like you have at work: you're both professional anyway. What you do before and after work is your own business."

Oh yes it was: things were starting to become clear to Billy that Katara had been trying to tell him before. It seemed actually going through it yourself was also a good way to learn.

She smiled, and gave Billy a bow. She was definitely happy: if she couldn't be about her own current state, at least she could be about Billy's, who'd had this coming.

"It sounds wonderful," she said. "No wonder I see that look in her eyes when we talk about you."

Billy nodded. That had been the plan. "I won't, absolutely not. I know rumors will start regardless of what I do, so I plan to keep most of it private."

Maybe he'd hold her hand under the table, but that was it. No public displays of affection for him. With any luck, things would go relatively smoothly.

"How often have you been talking about me?" he asked, suddenly suspicious. Images of the horrors of girl-gossip floated through his mind, making him wonder just how much the two of them were sharing. They both had access to different secrets about him, and if they were sharing notes...

That could easily be Katara's plan.

Katara scoffed. "Rumors are for stupid people, and anyway, who cares if people talk? What are they going to do other than tease you a little bit? You're Billy: I mean, the very fact you have a girlfriend like Ronnae should make them envious, not insulting!"

No public displays of affection. Yep, that sounded like Billy still, though how much he'd keep to that would likely play itself out, wouldn't it? He had said he wouldn't date either, and look at him now.

She smirked. "Wouldn't YOU look to know? Sorry, but that's classified information. Can't tell you." She gave him a look, though, to assure him that she'd never tell Ronnae anything bad. After all, she WANTED them to succeed.

Billy understood what she was getting at: Ronnie really was quite the catch, wasn't she? As long as he maintained his usual work standard, there was nothing for him to be ashamed of.

"Of course it is." She wouldn't even tell him how often? It wasn't even specific gossip. He folded his arms and pouted slightly, but he understood. It was all in Katara's hands.

Thoughts drifted aimlessly through Billy's mind for a few minutes, finally settling on what he'd observed coming in. "I'm sorry that I interrupted you earlier, Katara. Did you want to meditate again?"

She had no doubt that Billy could maintain his professionalism and still maintain that relationship: Ronnae would understand his need to do well, andBilly would be patient with her. It was why they suited each other, and it was actually helpful in her eyes they worked in the same place. Ronnae would know exactly what was expected of Billy, ands eh was sures he would accomodate for him.

She smiled back. "I'd be breaking the rules, you know that. But if I were you, I wouldn't worry: I've always thought of you as one of the most compassionate men on the ship, and that's exactly what Ronnae needs."

She nodded. "I would, but I'd lilke it if you joined me too. Something tells me we could both use a clear head."

"You're too kind," Billy attempted to brush her off, but he sounded sincerely touched by her unwavering positive regard. If she couldn't bring his confidence up, no one could.

Meditate? Billy knew Katara would have her way in the end, like she always did between the two of them, but...

"Maybe I could use a partner to keep me on track," Billy admitted. "Emptying my mind has never been easy for me, especially now that I've been given so much to think about."

Silencing all those engineering plans, memories, and fantasies of Ronnie would take quite the effort.

She smiled. "No, I think I'm just saying what I think."

She thought a moment. "Ok, that's fine. There are a few different ways of meditating: I've looked some up, and I've tried different methods before I found something that suited me. But I'll try helping you with the emptying of your mind as best as I can."

She readied herself, sitting on her knees, her hands palm flat on the floor. "Now, when it comes to concentrating on nothing but clearing your mind, some people come up with a chant. From what I've read, one of the most common chants is Ohm. Whenever I use chants, I sometimes go to the Sensorium so I can add some things, like small gongs or instruments. It can really take you into deep introspection about yourself."

Billy listened intently, rolling his shoulders and fixing his posture. There should be a way to do this.

"I...don't think I'm using Ohm as a chant any time soon. It would only inspire negative feelings. I think I may be able to focus on another noise in my mind."

If he listened for it, there was a quiet and constant hum. The bond---sadder than before, but still functional. "And focus inward, right? It's almost like visiting the soulscape."

That he hadn't done in a good while.

Katara giggled. "Actually, I made a mistake, the word is actually Ommm, but I guess you can tell what's been on my mind."

She shifted into cross legged position, and breathed in, then out. It took her a moment, and then she felt the pull that Billy created: he was calling on the Bond, she could feel it too. It felt incomplete, as they were missing their third Bonded, but there was still considerable pull, and already Katara could feel the change around them.

"Yes," she said, her voice sounding disembodied. "Focus on that, if it helps."

Billy closed his eyes, adjusting to the dark. Best to shut out as many stimuli as possible when doing this, he thought. The humming called out to him, a focusing point for this exercise.

Got it. That was the easy part. Now I need to clear everything from my mind.

With some effort, he turned himself away from conscious thought. Of his duties, of the pain he felt, of his friends, of Ronnie, of the past or the future. All that existed now was him.

Billy let himself adjust to the sensations one by one, dismissing them once they were acknowledged. The water lapping at his chest, the steam rising around his head, the constant thrum of Power under his skin...all was part of the whole, just as he was. If he remained still enough, he could even feel his own heartbeat.

It wasn't a perfectly linear process either: he fidgeted once or twice, having to start the descent through his mind all over again, but each trial was faster. By the third trial, his breathing deepened and thoughts quieted.

Surprisingly, he'd focused long enough to forget to keep track of the time.

For Katara, the beginnings of deep meditation had always started when she allowed herself to let go: it had been an integral part she learned from Sheeana. The letting go of earthly cares and just allowing yourself to exist in a state of pure energy. Getting there meant your whole body was put at ease, yet allowing the energy to flow all around you.

Katara felt it start towards her feet, than rising slowly to her groin, and up toward her stomach. She remembered talking to Aang once about Chakras, but it was only after she'd started researching about them herself that she incorporated them in meditation. She exhaled a moment, taking in the harmony of red, orange, then yellow, thinking on how each point corresponded with the power of human ability and move toward the heart chakra, contemplating on her love of everyone around her, and felt a slight jab of pain here that pulled her back.

Darn. So much for that meditation.

She swallowed, pausing to wipe her face, and instead reached for the Bond as Billy had. It was as if she were crossing a familiar bridge, and finally calmed, her mind and body now in harmony.

That slight disturbance felt more like a ripple in the pond than a wave: keenly felt, but not enough to knock Billy out of this state.

It was just a familiar warmth settling in beside him. If he had to make a comparison, he'd say that it felt like they were floating together, hands linked. They were still grounding themselves, not chained to each other, but another presence was there if it was needed.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed in that state, just existing, but eventually he rose back to full consciousness. Katara, how are you?

Katara knew it was possible to have bothered Billy a little after starting to get into her meditation state, buts he quickly compensated, and found her ground. She centered herself and soon she was in a calm, quiet place, feeling vibration around her.

She could feel Billy there too, a familiar touch that didn't need visual contact: they knew how the other felt, in their own way. Buts he also felt there might be disharmony in another sense too: and maybe, in a way, she'd been avoiding this as much as Billy had.

Billy. Have you seen your mindscape recently?

Billy reached out to her too, locking more firmly on her presence. They'd completed the mind-clearing phase, this was about exploring together.

I've avoided it since Renne left us. I've been afraid to see the extent of the damage, but I can't run from it forever. Are you suggesting that we go in?

Katara didn't make a motion, but Billy would feel her nod anyway.

I'm not saying its going to be pretty journey: what's been happening to us hasn't been easy, but the less we pay attention, the more well find ourselves victims of our own emotions. We have to see what we can do for ourselves beyond our comfort zone.

Billy was worried that this would be the case. He steeled himself to prepare for more pain.

All right, so we'll go in. Mine or yours?

Normally he'd go alone, but for this first journey when they were still feeling vulnerable...

She quieted herself. Both of them had dealt with a lot of pain, especially with their separation from Renne. However, Katara had always made sure to keep her feelings abut Aang and how it felt without him separate from the others, so as not to have them see exactly how pained shed been without him. With all that had happened, Katara had an idea of what might await them.

Nothing good.

Yours. I think mine is going to be a bit rougher right now.

Katara knew enough that the way she was, going herself would be asking for trouble.

Billy understood. His personal demons were largely the losses they shared, one in particular. Katara would need more strength to pull through.

Let's go.

It's a familiar trip. With Katara at his side, he parted the lightning wall and descended into a place that was colder than he remembered. It was also immediately visible that the colors have faded somewhat, and the ocean below that concealed the two images of his Bondeds was churning violently, dark and uninviting.

As soon as they landed, Billy started shivering. Welcome to my new normal.

A look around didn't produce much else that was new. He placed his fingers against the chain that led to Renne below---unlike Katara's warm golden chain, this one had cooled and faded to a dull silver. The traces of the shine and warmth were there, but it was no longer alive. The longer he lingered, the more upsetting that became.

Billy became so fixated on the colder spots that he failed to notice a new pink growth in the corner, the beginnings of a tree spouting upward.

Katara descended down with him, and was immediately filled with a quiet sadness. This was, after all, something that was always on her mind: that emptiness at losing someone that mattered, and it occurred to her that losing Aang twice before had hardened her in a way. No, that was only mostly right: the rest of it came from the connections she had with others, and the loss in knowing these people who had taught and cared for her were podded. Watching Alex's reaction to Luna had caused in ache in her, and that was the ache that was Stacy's reality: people were gone at a moment's glance.

She descended down, toward where Renne had been. That was the cold she was feeling, even before coming here. She knew how this had cut Billy deeply, and how fragmented they were. No one else had felt what they had there, and that was something perhaps neither Ronnae or Aang would know, not for awhile.

And Katara did notice the pink growth, but was quietly thinking about this in head. She pointed to the empty spot. "What do you see there?"

This was becoming too familiar. Billy walked with her into the ocean, steeling himself against the cold biting into him. The distant memories were there when he looked for them, just as they were with his friends, his Rangers from Earth. Like theirs, Renne's memory remained close. The statue would always be there.

I still feel it, the same way I remember my old friends. My conscious memory isn't as kind in preserving them, but I hope they'll always be here.

He was silent for a while, thinking and remembering. Sad to have lost them, fearful of what loss was coming next, but thankful to have the present.

When Katara's voice reached him, he was startled out of his thoughts enough to find the new growth. Billy knew immediately that it was representative of Ronnie. The scent that hit him and the warmth that reached him as he approached it couldn't belong to anyone else.

She's already here. I shouldn't be surprised, given all that's happened.

She stared into the landscape, remembering how it had been the last time. She had to admit, she had been scared to cross her own mindscape after Renne was podded, but Billy's she knew would be under its own duress. Coupled with the continued reminder of his missing friend, Katara was overwhelmed with respect for Billy. She sent to him a pulse of affection, then listened to his answer.

I think its because of Renne that you and Ronnae are with each other now. If anything, its one more gift he gave for you. Renne was able to open you up a bit more, and I could see how much you loved him. That you were able to show that for someone is in part thanks to him.

She descended toward the place of the new growth. There was definitely more to the wedding than just words.

...I didn't think of that, but I can follow the logic. After he was taken from us, I didn't want to commit to someone that deeply again. Yet I knew how rewarding it could be. Thanks buddy, Billy whispered, sending pulses of affection down both ends of the bond. He would never forget all that they shared.

When he'd gained his composure again, he joined Katara at the new growth and knelt beside it. That scared me somewhat. I was surprised by how quickly it all happened, completely thrown off guard. It's new, and there's more yet to be built, but it fits. To borrow a cliché, it feels right, Billy whispered, gently stroking the base. It sent a warm rush up his arm.

And Katara likewise stared down where Renne used to be. Her eyes were tearing but she didn't feel sad: if anything, it was a good cry. Renne had been able to help Billy love: and in his own way his presence had at least softened the pain of being without Aang. After all, he had lost more than either of them, yet he had still let them in.

She acknowledged Billy coming up alongside her with a nod. It was like I kept telling you: if this was going to happen, it just would. And for someone like you, who knows what its like to be a little different, you two truly do get each other. I'm not surprised it grew so quickly.

Billy reached out, offering her some of his warmth. It wasn't much, but it might help.

It's definitely not how I expected these matters to unfold, but it'd be foolish to complain. I've been given a wonderful gift.

Knowing what had happened with Katara, though, he offered her a hug. You're wonderful, Katara. Thank you.

Katara took it willingly, and felt a familiar warmth that actually did make her feel a little better. She had actually been worse before coming to Billy, and now she was able to at least be at ease knowing he was starting to grow.

Yes, you have, and you also can help her to becoming stronger too. You of all people know what its like to not want to stand out and be apart. And I can see she cares about you too."

She smiled, returning the hug. I'm just happy to see you starting to open up, have someone that cares so much about you. It gives me hope that things like this can happen on the ship.

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