trans_9 | Morning Meditation

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Morning Meditation

The next morning, Katara woke up with a slight headache. It could have been worse, she knew it, but she knew what would help: a morning bath. She got up slowly, petting a sleeping Zhin before walking over toward the baths, a towel in hand. She made a bee line toward the co-ed baths, taking a quick dive deep in the water, and cleaning thoroughly. It was early enough that she thought she wouldn't bother anyone, and after a wash she went straight to the hot springs, towel wrapped around her chest and down to her knees.

She settled down, breathing deeply, closing her eyes a moment. After everything, it was good to just sit, relax, take everything in. There was still so much uncertainty, and there was definitely some pain, but she needed to stay focused, needed to be what was needed, especially now. How was Billy doing, was Matt recovering from his foray with darkness? There was still so much going on, and she needed to keep focused on training and the next step with the Outsiders.

She sat quietly, breathing in, breathing out. She couldn't be overwhelmed or things would be worse. There were reasons, after all, she still kept her head high: there was still so many things to do.

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Billy understood. His personal demons were largely the losses they shared, one in particular. Katara would need more strength to pull through.

Let's go.

It's a familiar trip. With Katara at his side, he parted the lightning wall and descended into a place that was colder than he remembered. It was also immediately visible that the colors have faded somewhat, and the ocean below that concealed the two images of his Bondeds was churning violently, dark and uninviting.

As soon as they landed, Billy started shivering. Welcome to my new normal.

A look around didn't produce much else that was new. He placed his fingers against the chain that led to Renne below---unlike Katara's warm golden chain, this one had cooled and faded to a dull silver. The traces of the shine and warmth were there, but it was no longer alive. The longer he lingered, the more upsetting that became.

Billy became so fixated on the colder spots that he failed to notice a new pink growth in the corner, the beginnings of a tree spouting upward.

Katara descended down with him, and was immediately filled with a quiet sadness. This was, after all, something that was always on her mind: that emptiness at losing someone that mattered, and it occurred to her that losing Aang twice before had hardened her in a way. No, that was only mostly right: the rest of it came from the connections she had with others, and the loss in knowing these people who had taught and cared for her were podded. Watching Alex's reaction to Luna had caused in ache in her, and that was the ache that was Stacy's reality: people were gone at a moment's glance.

She descended down, toward where Renne had been. That was the cold she was feeling, even before coming here. She knew how this had cut Billy deeply, and how fragmented they were. No one else had felt what they had there, and that was something perhaps neither Ronnae or Aang would know, not for awhile.

And Katara did notice the pink growth, but was quietly thinking about this in head. She pointed to the empty spot. "What do you see there?"

This was becoming too familiar. Billy walked with her into the ocean, steeling himself against the cold biting into him. The distant memories were there when he looked for them, just as they were with his friends, his Rangers from Earth. Like theirs, Renne's memory remained close. The statue would always be there.

I still feel it, the same way I remember my old friends. My conscious memory isn't as kind in preserving them, but I hope they'll always be here.

He was silent for a while, thinking and remembering. Sad to have lost them, fearful of what loss was coming next, but thankful to have the present.

When Katara's voice reached him, he was startled out of his thoughts enough to find the new growth. Billy knew immediately that it was representative of Ronnie. The scent that hit him and the warmth that reached him as he approached it couldn't belong to anyone else.

She's already here. I shouldn't be surprised, given all that's happened.

She stared into the landscape, remembering how it had been the last time. She had to admit, she had been scared to cross her own mindscape after Renne was podded, but Billy's she knew would be under its own duress. Coupled with the continued reminder of his missing friend, Katara was overwhelmed with respect for Billy. She sent to him a pulse of affection, then listened to his answer.

I think its because of Renne that you and Ronnae are with each other now. If anything, its one more gift he gave for you. Renne was able to open you up a bit more, and I could see how much you loved him. That you were able to show that for someone is in part thanks to him.

She descended toward the place of the new growth. There was definitely more to the wedding than just words.

...I didn't think of that, but I can follow the logic. After he was taken from us, I didn't want to commit to someone that deeply again. Yet I knew how rewarding it could be. Thanks buddy, Billy whispered, sending pulses of affection down both ends of the bond. He would never forget all that they shared.

When he'd gained his composure again, he joined Katara at the new growth and knelt beside it. That scared me somewhat. I was surprised by how quickly it all happened, completely thrown off guard. It's new, and there's more yet to be built, but it fits. To borrow a cliché, it feels right, Billy whispered, gently stroking the base. It sent a warm rush up his arm.

And Katara likewise stared down where Renne used to be. Her eyes were tearing but she didn't feel sad: if anything, it was a good cry. Renne had been able to help Billy love: and in his own way his presence had at least softened the pain of being without Aang. After all, he had lost more than either of them, yet he had still let them in.

She acknowledged Billy coming up alongside her with a nod. It was like I kept telling you: if this was going to happen, it just would. And for someone like you, who knows what its like to be a little different, you two truly do get each other. I'm not surprised it grew so quickly.

Billy reached out, offering her some of his warmth. It wasn't much, but it might help.

It's definitely not how I expected these matters to unfold, but it'd be foolish to complain. I've been given a wonderful gift.

Knowing what had happened with Katara, though, he offered her a hug. You're wonderful, Katara. Thank you.

Katara took it willingly, and felt a familiar warmth that actually did make her feel a little better. She had actually been worse before coming to Billy, and now she was able to at least be at ease knowing he was starting to grow.

Yes, you have, and you also can help her to becoming stronger too. You of all people know what its like to not want to stand out and be apart. And I can see she cares about you too."

She smiled, returning the hug. I'm just happy to see you starting to open up, have someone that cares so much about you. It gives me hope that things like this can happen on the ship.

Billy quietly absorbed everything around him. The sad chill was still there, but Katara was right: the little light was growing, and that was worth hanging onto.

I'll hold on as long as I can, Billy promised, drawing back to smile lightly at her. Thanks, Katara. I don't think I could have withstood being here without you.

He stopped to assess her mood. Do you want to try yours?

Katara knew it would be awhile before that sadness would ease itself: Renne had meant a lot to both of them, and even meeting Ronnae wouldn't make that any less so. She put her hands to his as a way of saying she understood.

Its not an easy thing, to go into the place that's the root of your pain. It takes time, and unless you're a very strong person, I cant see anyone wanting to do it alone.

Katara was quiet a long time. She knew there was hypocrisy if she told him no, although that wasn't a reason to show him either. She had to go because she WANTED to go, and in her heart, she also knew Billy was one of the few people who could do it.

She took his hand. Yes, but be careful. I haven't been here either, and it might be dangerous.

Billy heard the words flowing underneath. It wasn't easy for him, no, but for her it was bound to be far darker. He knew they would both need to be prepared for what waited inside her.

I will, don't worry, Billy promised, locking eyes with her. We've protected each other like this before. I won't let you fall.

He was ready to go with her, come what may.

Katara nodded, hey eyes going large a moment. She closed her eyes, and then took Billy's hand, and the two of them floated down, down, farther into Katara's mindscape.

She would have expected chaos, lightning, anything that showed the chaos and pain. But upon stepping onto the scape, the two were greeted by something far different: silence. Everything around them resembled the Spirit Oasis in the North Pole, but with none of its warmth. Everything seemed cold and quiet: every step seemed to echo as if they were in a cavern.

But somewhere, there was a voice, one that sounded suspiciously like weeping. Katara walked with Billy, her eyes drinking in what seemed to be something even Katara had never considered: a void, a place of absolute silence. Of course there would be a place where Billy's Bond dwell, but it seemed to have changed places.

Cold and silence. Billy had almost expected to find a landscape like this, devoid of the passion he usually found here. But no amount of imagination could prepare him for this.

As they walked into the dark, Billy's spirit never released Katara's hand for a second. They were stronger together, and that was all that kept him facing the landscape bravely. This was the damage that had been done, this was what was left behind (or rather, what wasn't left behind.

What had been there? Renne? Matt? Aang? Billy knew that as curious as he was, it still wasn't his place to find out. I'm here. It's not all right, but I can listen.

Even Katara was caught off guard. Perhaps this was a reason to be worried: while a part of her could surmise this, seeing it in person was pretty shocking. But the longer they walked here, the more she started to understand how it all started to make sense.

It started the moment I realized they could take people away. We didn't know for awhile: I just got glimpses of emptiness in myself, things I didn't understand. But once we started to remember, there was something I began to fear: if there was no reason for choosing to pod, what was to stop them from doing it over and over? And I remembered all of the people lost.

And somehow, she kept this back: Renne, Billy, all of those people on the ship: they had opened her, made her have faith. She could keep going because people needed that shared, needed to know there was someone who was going to keep her eyes raised and keep going.

And then they brought Aang back, and all of this...it was enough to make her retreat back into herself, keep herself blocked off. She looked grim but kept walking down with Billy.

When she mentioned the disappearances, Billy shuffled closer to her. That was definitely the most painful part of life here. There's not much I can say. I've had some losses and similar fears, but it's nothing compared to what was done to you.

He kept going into the dark, solid at her side. My therapist told me that it would become easier somehow, that we would adjust to people going in and out of our lives so rapidly, but it's an agonizingly slow process. I still grow close to people, their loss still cuts me. I know every moment that Ronnie or I could easily be next.

That cut him deeply.

I was told on Earth that I should always make the most of the time we have. That advice is now more immediate than ever, but I believe they omitted a few words. It's something we do together, especially in this situation.

He silenced himself then, giving Katara the time she needed to work through the more painful issues waiting beyond.

There were many things that Katara could have replied to this, but in all truthfulness, it was something she understood but could not as easily accept. She was glad that Billy was here with her, of course: of all the people on the ship, Billy was one of the closest ones to her. But the continued loss of people she knew was hard to take, and flashes of Alex came in her head.

But as they walked farther in, they could here that crying starting to get a little louder. Katara continue to walk, but there was a hand outstretched, looking for Billy's strength. Even Katara had no idea what they would find.

And at the end, sitting by the oasis was a replica of herself, crying. She looked as she had several years earlier: head loopies with the hair combed back, water tribe clothing, crying her eyes out.

"Please, come back!" She cried. "I can't be here without you!"

Billy's hand stayed in hers, holding fast. There was no way in the world he would leave her side then.

When they reached the end of the path and saw her younger self so torn, Billy knew. This was the part of Katara that had been ripped by everything she'd gone through. He was looking at her pain in the worst way.

Katara... To see her this way hurt him too, the pain leaking into his voice. He longed to hold her, but that might not be welcome at this juncture.

She was...but she was also something else. This was the Katara as her family knew her back home: bright, energetic and idealistic. Here though, she knew what was going to happen, even before the younger Katara lay eyes on her.

"I'm all that's left," she said quietly. "I'm what she was before this ship, and I'm the one who's feeling this most of all. And I'M the one that you have to answer too!" She pointed a finger at the Katara Billy knew now, the one who seemed to be taking this in, looking quietly accepting.

"Why did you do it?!" She said, her voice rife with fury. "Why did you hurt the only person who loves you more than anyone? Did the ship change you this much, that you forgot who you love, more than anyone? Is this what you call loyalty?"

Billy stayed at Katara's side, silently supportive. He'd hold on if she wanted him to, or if she needed to march forward and face this herself, he could let her do that too.

Either way, he felt a sharp pain in his heart for her.

It was there all right: of all of the manifestations she expected to see, perhaps the last one she expected would be herself. But it made sense now: she knew herself better than anyone else, and she was her own harshest critic.

"I suffered too," Katara said quietly. "Do you think I could stand to see Aang the way he was, trying to explain myself-"

"There's nothing to explain!" Her younger self erupted. "You moved on from him, found somebody else, and even when you did that Aang came back and you couldn't even answer for what you did, so you broke it off with the other guy! How do you even begin to forgive yourself for all of that, and why should any of them?"

Katara covered her ears a moment, closing her eyes, but tears were stil leaking out.

"And you!" Now she was addressing Billy. "You can't possible think this is Ok, what she'd done? You're in love, right? Can't you see why this place is how it si now? She abandoned him!"

Billy's heart felt like it was tearing in two. On one hand, he stood with the Katara he knew and loved like a sister. On the other, the Katara from her past had fair points. She saw that things weren't quite right, the same as anyone. But he completely disagreed that Katara was unforgivable.

"She made mistakes," Billy began, locking eyes with the other Katara. "That's undeniable, but she's definitely paying the price now. All this pain exists for a reason. I see what happened, and I know that it won't be okay for them for a long while."

The next portion was the easier part. He stepped forward, voice as serious as it had ever been. "But that does not mean she's unforgivable. I know Katara too. She's dedicating herself to getting her life back on track and helping everyone else, just as I'd expect her to. Her priorities are back in order. There's no quick solution to this, but she's pulling herself up. And I'll be here for her while she does."

"Her life back on track," the girl repeated, a tone of disgust in her voice. "Yes, I remember: the Bene Gesserit, the alien attack, even the drinking. You've changed, and I don't think I even know who you-"

"Ok, that's enough!" Katara was not about to let her younger get away with more than was necessary. "I made those decisions on my own, and they had a reason! Yes, so I'm different from how you were a few years ago, so what? I'm you, and what we feel, no matter what decisions we make, we face head on. That include with Aang. And there was a time we even thought he was-"

And suddenly, without warning, everything around them changed: Katara was rushing toward Aang, newly released from the tomb that held back the Nightmare King, and she was trying to stop him when she heard that horrible sound and Aang was falling...

Just like that day at ba Sing Se...

And she was closing her eyes again. On the ship that had happened: Aang getting shot, Katara beside herself with fear that he was gone, only to be Ok, only to make Katara breathe a sigh of relief.

This was, of course, before they took him and she forgot.

They were outside Zuko's uncle's tea shop, and Blly could see past Katara and Aang with each other, reunited, free from the fear of war, and kissing. But even as that happened, that past Aang was sudden;y being lifted up, upward, away from her.

"Aang, AANG!" She screamed. "Don't go! Please...please stop leaving me!"

Billy stepped back as if he'd been struck. The rapid-fire emotions hit him again and again, driving him further into the pain in Katara's heart. The happiest memory as a couple, together and free, beautiful...only to be ripped apart again.

He moved closer to the present day Katara, at a loss for words for a few moments. When he finally spoke:

"You'll be okay, Katara. I know you will."

This was the secret fear Katara had, more than any of the things associated with Aang. It was something she'd said to Aang, that may have sounded like the desperate plea of someone who had wronged, but it was more than that. She loved Aang, loved him so much that the waiting, however painful, was bearable. What hadn't been easy, what had been hardest, was having him and then losing him again.

She took Billy's hand, and though she was tearing, she would tell him the truth.

"I love him Billy, and though it'll hurt me if he won't be with me again, I'll find a way to get through this. But I can't handle if they take him away again after bringing him here. I want him to be happy, I want to see him smiling and having fun and people caring about him: I can't bear it if they take him away again!"

Billy silently swore that he would do anything in his power to support her. "I know, Katara," he whispered, clutching her hand tightly. "But this war will end. If we give it our all, there's a chance we'll win. And after that, wherever we go, the ship won't have the power to separate us anymore. You'll be able to see him happy---maybe even be with him."

It was a belief he clung to on those days when he still thought his Rangers were alive.

Morning Meditation

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