trans_9 | [open!] warning: insensitive bastard. come annoy him

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[open!] warning: insensitive bastard. come annoy him

The best way to describe Kai's state of mind right now was stir-crazy. Even on a ship as mind-bendingly huge as Stacy was, Kai knew there was only so much space. He knew there was only so far he could go in one direction. He knew there was no going back, and there was no one he knew in this place.

Kai had accepted that there was nothing he could do at the moment but wait.

That didn't mean he had to like it.

Kai needed a distraction. He needed some way to get his blood pounding, something to get his mind off where he was and just how little he could do. He'd tried to find that soul-thing he'd overheard people talking about, but of course this was how his luck would run: the one man on the ship looking for the darksoul wouldn't find it.

That was why he was wandering around now, shoulders hunched, head down. Anyone who looked strong enough to take him on would have a fight picked with them, whether they wanted to fight or not. Anyone else unfortunate enough to cross his path? They'd be dealing with a very terse, very irritated man with metal under his skin.

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At least it reminded her that she was lucky. Normally, she wasn't one to prioritize herself over another, but she's feeling extraordinarily off-kilter here. "Doesn't stop me from feeling pretty shitty anyways."

"This whole thing is shit."

He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he really wanted to continue this conversation or just walk off. In the end, bitching with her won out. He moved to sit down on the bench next to her, tucking his hands behind his head and leaning his back against the wall. At the very least, if not catharsis, he might get some schadenfreude.

"So. What's the worst thing about it for you? The leaf clothes, the fact that we're in something's guts, the weird tech, the fact that we can't get out..."

She had to wonder why he actually bothered to stop and sit with her after all that, but if he wants to talk about how screwed up this all is, well, more power to him.

Cagalli leaned away from him a little, nodding at every point he brought up. "Knowing that the country I've spent years serving just up and got obliterated along with the rest of the world. How's that?"

"It sucks. But you know what sucks more? If it'd happened a couple months earlier, I wouldn't have given a damn if that world had exploded. It wasn't a great loss to the universe." His world...hadn't been the nicest of places. "But the minute I start letting some kid tag along with me, the whole place goes up in smoke like a planet-sized sucker punch."

"People fight, and fight, and keep trying to fix things, or just try to get by or whatever, and then wham! You wake up in a ship made out of... of stuff, and everything you knew is gone." At this point she wasn't really listening to him, just... ranting in response.

Kai stopped leaning back against the wall, leaning forward now as he started getting into the ranting. "Guts. The word you're looking for is space guts. And everything and everyone. You have no idea if the people you knew are dead or in those slime bags, and there's no way to find out. And you want to kick yourself because dammit, you were just getting used to having them around, and you shouldn't feel this --"

He gestured vaguely in the air in front of him, trying to put the frustration into words.

"Right! Space guts, and... and all these people are stuck there, and all you can do is sit around and hope that at least the people you know are there and not dead, and then..." she made a fist, gesturing almost as vaguely. "You never know when the people here are going to get put back in or... or you could end up right back in without warning for no damn good reason!"

Cagalli was on the brink of standing up and just yelling.

"That's what sucks most. You can't do anything about it!" Kai was yelling now, balling up a fist and bringing it down on the bench, hard. It only sank into the squishy organic material, which wasn't quite as satisfying as hitting something more solid. "What the hell are we supposed to do here, huh?"

She noticed the way his fist hit the squishy bench, making more of a 'thunk' than a 'thump', and inched away. They couldn't even do normal, hard, inorganic benches here. "We... fight... I've already been through two wars. I... I can at least keep myself in one piece, but this is terrible forcing some of the people here to deal with this!"

It made her wish she'd never woken up here, just... stayed in the pod until they either won, or the ship was destroyed. It's not like she'd ever know either way.

His breath was coming quickly, but the shouting and the bench abuse had taken the edge off his frustration. Kai was still far from happy, but his voice was lower. "I can deal with fighting," he said, chest rising and falling visibly under his plantsuit, mechanical heart working overtime, pumping the adrenaline through his blood. "It's not knowing that I can't stand."

Slumping back against the icky bench, Cagalli let out a frustrated sigh. "Might be easier if they could just... tell us who's dead, and what's gone for good, and what we'll never get back, so we can just deal with it..." Even if it means losing her nation and her people.

"I don't want them to be dead."

I don't want to leave things the way they were.

Why was it that you only figured out what you had when it was taken from you?

"I can't do it," he said, and as he spoke the words, Kai realized they were true. "I can't assume they're dead and gone for good yet, not if there's a chance they aren't. But at the same time, knowing they might and that I might find out one day that this whole time there was no chance at all..."

He was leaning forward now, resting his head on his hands, elbows propped on his knees.

"I hate it."

She resisted the temptation to give a complete stranger a friendly pat on the back, which is weird, but happens when you sympathize.

Her eyes closed, she stretched her arms above her head, not saying anything for a moment or two. "Well... you can just give up and waste away, I guess." Not really an option, but it's not like they really had many other options. "I'm not much of a leader if I just... give up now, even if it's... probably hopeless."

"Who said anything about giving up?"

He turned his head to look at her sideways, though he stayed hunched over.

"I sure as hell don't plan to waste away. I'm going to watch, and wait, and see if there's any chance of bringing them back. Or finding them in the pods. But there's no way anyone's going to get me to give up on it."

That got... well, not a grin, but it wasn't a bad expression either. Certainly better than whatever Cagalli had had. "Gotta keep hoping that all of that's true, huh? Hell... with the kinds of things I've seen, rebuilding an entire universe doesn't seem as unlikely as it could. For all we know there are other ships like Stacy, with the people we know, or... even entire planet's of people..."

"It's not really hope," he said, turning from her to stare forward, at the pod-wall opposite the squishy bench. "It's more like...if it turns out there was a chance I could have done something, and I didn't because I'd given up, I'd never forgive myself. So maybe...it's keeping myself from regretting anything."

Man. Talking to her had really helped get his thoughts in order. Though Kai was still pretty pissed at the situation on the whole, he had a better idea of how he felt about things, and what he wanted to do.

He glanced over sideways at her again. "Name's Kai."

She nodded. "Right... right, I think I get where you're coming from..." and a better idea of where she is too, if only a little. It was hard to make much sense of how you felt about such an alien situation, so hearing it from someone else, and ranting herself was a good thing. "You don't wanna screw up, and have... have whoever come along and tell you that you coulda saved everyone."

Cagalli reached a hand out to him for a handshake. "Cagalli Yula Atha."

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[open!] warning: insensitive bastard. come annoy him

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