trans_9 | Crack your skull open [Closed]

Entry tags:

Crack your skull open [Closed]

Picking a place to do evaluations wasn't easy, but after some searching, he eventually found a nice spot. It was... some alien building in the city. He didn't know much about the culture, but he had to marvel at the architecture. Not only was it aesthetically pleasing, the furniture was comfortable, and the walls were virtually soundproof. It helped to provide a nice relaxing and secure atmosphere he needed to get people talking.

And speaking of, he sat back, waiting for his first few appointments of the day to arrive.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Not outside of missions or working in Engineering, if that's what you're asking." Jamie held back a sigh and shifted in his seat a little. "Look, no offense or anything, but I don't really see why I need friends here. I pull my weight, I do what I can to make myself useful, and I try to be dependable and get along with people. I thought that was enough."

"But do you ever feel lonely? Even just a little bit?"

"Not really. Like I said, I'm around people pretty much all day. I don't really have time to feel lonely."

"What do you have time to feel? Or do you not have enough free time to feel anything?"

"You sound like you think I'm some kind of emotionless robot just because my social life's a little stunted." Jamie smiled thinly, checked his annoyance and let just a touch of exasperation color his tone. "I feel the same things anyone else does. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated. Not having a lot of friends doesn't mean I've forgotten how to feel things."

"No, but it does mean that you might be distracting yourself from dealing with those feelings."

Jamie gave him a practiced where are you getting this look. "I deal with 'em. I just deal by myself. 's what works for me." He shrugged, frowning in feigned perplexity. "I don't really get how my lack of friends means I'm not dealing with things."

"How's that working for you when it comes to dealing with your most recent mission?"

How are you handling Fairplay, Jamie?

Jamie grimaced a little at the inquiry - just a little. Safe enough to show that much reaction, right? General consensus among the crew who'd gone seemed to have been that the mission was emotionally taxing, or so he gathered from what he'd seen when everyone had returned to the ship.

"It's working okay," he said, shrugging again. "I'm dealing with it okay."

"You don't sound too sure about that," he noted.

"Tell me what happened to you on the mission."

Jamie hesitated, considered asking why Samson needed to know, worried the question would look too evasive, and did as the doctor asked. Sort of.

"Some...gods, or something, made us all think we'd lived in that town in Iowa our whole lives. My dad - my fake dad, the guy that was supposed to be my dad - worked in a factory. He arranged for me to start working there after I graduated." He gave a little twitch of one shoulder. "I went to school. Got made fun of a lot. Nobody liked me. They didn't like anyone else from the ship either, I guess."

"And the train?" You know exactly what he's talking about, Jamie.

Jamie had no idea how Samson had found out about that and he was none too happy that he did know, but his displeasure manifested in only a brief narrowing of the eyes before he replied. "That was just...something that happened to the version of me that was there. Didn't have anything to do with who I really am."

Considering how much one of the Q had been shouting about it in front of everyone, it would be no wonder that a few of his crewmates felt concerned enough to mention it.

"But looking back on it, how does that whole incident make you feel? Looking at it from the outside, what do you think of that kid... that other you?"

"I dunno, that he was messed up. That I'm glad I'm not him anymore."

"Why do you think he ended up, as you put it, 'so messed up?'"

"Because he didn't like where his life was going. Didn't want to work in a factory for the rest of his life in a town full of jerks." He frowned down at his hands. "And there were all the...hallucinations, or whatever. The stuff we'd keep seeing and hearing that reminded us of our real lives. It was confusing, I guess."

"I see. Do you recall what the other you thought of your life?"

That particular phrasing triggered an uncomfortable twinge in his gut, though Jamie supposed it was his own fault for drawing a distinction between his real self and the identity he'd had forced on him during the mission.

"...that it sucked," he ventured. "Thought it wasn't worth sticking around for, obviously." He eyed Samson warily. "Why're you asking about that?"

"Because sometimes its healthy to look at yourself from an outside perspective.

"There isn't anything wrong with being a quiet kid, and not having the most active social life. However, I can't help but think that you're trying very hard to not be a burden to anyone here. Like you want to be helpful, but also out of the way."

"But that wasn't really me," Jamie insisted. "Sure I lived that life and everything, but it was a whole different set of memories that led up to that." Memories which Jamie could still recall, if something set them off. Which was weird. "I mean...if you had my memories, and had done everything I'd done in my life instead of what you'd done in yours, you wouldn't really be you anymore, right?

"And...I dunno, maybe I am. Trying not to be a burden, I mean. What's wrong with that?"

"In theory, nothing is wrong with that." But....

"But, in practice, people who try not to be a burden often deny their own needs, dismissing them as trivial wants that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. And when someone starts thinking that way, its very easy to start thinking that maybe they don't matter in the grand scheme of things, and that they should get out of everyone's way. For good."

Jamie sees what you did there.

"I told you, that wasn't me trying to jump in front of a train. It was someone else with a different life and different problems, and - really stupid problems, frankly. 'f he was willing to commit suicide over that, wul - that's...weak."

His tone lost the touch of vehemence that'd crept into it, became more subdued. Much more subdued. "Pathetic."

"Even if you're not him, you should still learn from his mistakes.

"You don't want to cause anyone any trouble, which is good. But if you are having any problems or need anything, that's not being a burden, that's being a person." He'd say 'human', but considering the rest of the crew...

"You're as much a part of this crew as everyone else is, and your feelings are just as important as anyone else's. You don't need to try to deal with all on your own."

"I know that," Jamie said in a tone of mild reproach. "And if I do need help dealing then I'll talk to...someone. Until then, if I can do it on my own I might as well, right?

"Besides," he added suddenly. "Who d'you talk to about this stuff? I mean, you lost your world same as everybody else, 's not exactly fair that you have to sit here listening to the rest of the ship whine about their problems when you don't have anybody to vent to."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject