trans_9 | Crack your skull open [Closed]

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Crack your skull open [Closed]

Picking a place to do evaluations wasn't easy, but after some searching, he eventually found a nice spot. It was... some alien building in the city. He didn't know much about the culture, but he had to marvel at the architecture. Not only was it aesthetically pleasing, the furniture was comfortable, and the walls were virtually soundproof. It helped to provide a nice relaxing and secure atmosphere he needed to get people talking.

And speaking of, he sat back, waiting for his first few appointments of the day to arrive.

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Jamie had no idea how Samson had found out about that and he was none too happy that he did know, but his displeasure manifested in only a brief narrowing of the eyes before he replied. "That was just...something that happened to the version of me that was there. Didn't have anything to do with who I really am."

Considering how much one of the Q had been shouting about it in front of everyone, it would be no wonder that a few of his crewmates felt concerned enough to mention it.

"But looking back on it, how does that whole incident make you feel? Looking at it from the outside, what do you think of that kid... that other you?"

"I dunno, that he was messed up. That I'm glad I'm not him anymore."

"Why do you think he ended up, as you put it, 'so messed up?'"

"Because he didn't like where his life was going. Didn't want to work in a factory for the rest of his life in a town full of jerks." He frowned down at his hands. "And there were all the...hallucinations, or whatever. The stuff we'd keep seeing and hearing that reminded us of our real lives. It was confusing, I guess."

"I see. Do you recall what the other you thought of your life?"

That particular phrasing triggered an uncomfortable twinge in his gut, though Jamie supposed it was his own fault for drawing a distinction between his real self and the identity he'd had forced on him during the mission.

"...that it sucked," he ventured. "Thought it wasn't worth sticking around for, obviously." He eyed Samson warily. "Why're you asking about that?"

"Because sometimes its healthy to look at yourself from an outside perspective.

"There isn't anything wrong with being a quiet kid, and not having the most active social life. However, I can't help but think that you're trying very hard to not be a burden to anyone here. Like you want to be helpful, but also out of the way."

"But that wasn't really me," Jamie insisted. "Sure I lived that life and everything, but it was a whole different set of memories that led up to that." Memories which Jamie could still recall, if something set them off. Which was weird. "I mean...if you had my memories, and had done everything I'd done in my life instead of what you'd done in yours, you wouldn't really be you anymore, right?

"And...I dunno, maybe I am. Trying not to be a burden, I mean. What's wrong with that?"

"In theory, nothing is wrong with that." But....

"But, in practice, people who try not to be a burden often deny their own needs, dismissing them as trivial wants that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. And when someone starts thinking that way, its very easy to start thinking that maybe they don't matter in the grand scheme of things, and that they should get out of everyone's way. For good."

Jamie sees what you did there.

"I told you, that wasn't me trying to jump in front of a train. It was someone else with a different life and different problems, and - really stupid problems, frankly. 'f he was willing to commit suicide over that, wul - that's...weak."

His tone lost the touch of vehemence that'd crept into it, became more subdued. Much more subdued. "Pathetic."

"Even if you're not him, you should still learn from his mistakes.

"You don't want to cause anyone any trouble, which is good. But if you are having any problems or need anything, that's not being a burden, that's being a person." He'd say 'human', but considering the rest of the crew...

"You're as much a part of this crew as everyone else is, and your feelings are just as important as anyone else's. You don't need to try to deal with all on your own."

"I know that," Jamie said in a tone of mild reproach. "And if I do need help dealing then I'll talk to...someone. Until then, if I can do it on my own I might as well, right?

"Besides," he added suddenly. "Who d'you talk to about this stuff? I mean, you lost your world same as everybody else, 's not exactly fair that you have to sit here listening to the rest of the ship whine about their problems when you don't have anybody to vent to."

"Who says I don't have anyone to vent to?" He'll let you ponder that one for a moment.

"And don't try to take the focus off of yourself."

But that's Jamie's survival mechanism, man. Why you gotta take that away from him?

"Wasn't trying to take the focus off myself," he lied. "I was curious."

"Mmmhmm." Suuuure Jamie. He believes you.

"Anyway, like I said, you seem like a good kid, but you could stand to socialize a bit more. To that end, I'm going to assign you a bit homework."

Yes, you get homework.

"I want you to join the Outsiders, and stay for a few months. I want you to give it an honest shot, and we'll schedule a follow up appointment to check up on how you're finding the experience."

Jamie stared at him blankly.

"The Outsiders?" he repeated. "I thought that was for kids. I'm not a kid. I'm eighteen, I'm an adult, I'm doing...adult things."

"It's more for teenagers and young adults, which certainly fits you. And it won't hurt you to do a few childish things anyway." He got the feeling that Jamie hadn't done enough childish things in his lifetime.

"I've done childish things," Jamie protested. "When I was a child. I don't have time for that kinda stuff now."

He sighed. "What do the Outsiders do, anyway?"

"That's what you get to find out for yourself.

"This isn't a negotiation, Jamie, it's an assignment. Failure to comply could have you pulled from other assignments. General Chacon isn't big on insubordination, after all."

Jamie leveled another stare at him, this one disbelieving.

"...seriously? You'd have me kicked off the squadron for not joining some...kid's club? For not having friends?" he finished, his tone angry and indignant.

"Yes." He didn't expect Jaime to get it now, but there is a long term method to this madness.

Jamie made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat but said nothing for a second or two. "So what're you gonna tell General Chacon if I don't do it? 'Jamie refuses to make friends, he's unfit to do anything useful'?"

"Actually I'd just tell her that because you willfully refused to participate in mandatory therapy, I was forced to issue you a failing grade for your psych eval, and that you are to be removed from active duty immediately until further notice. At which point she will hunt you down and likely berate you for refusing to do something as simple as join the Outsiders, and thus costing her a pilot by getting yourself grounded.

"Its all very straight forward, and the end result depends solely on the decisions you make."

"What decision? I don't have a choice in this! You're forcing me into something entirely pointless just because you don't like the state of my social life," Jamie shot back.

Crack your skull open [Closed]

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