An Apology

[cityship]

After Big Zero's Punishment, Stacy was eerily quiet for a while.

Even those who actually decided to try and speak to her, despite what had happened, were met only with silence.

But eventually, she broke that silence.

Holograms of Stacy's "true" personality appeared all throughout the ship. She seemed meager. Weak.

Ashamed.

||Everyone,|| she says somewhat weakly, ||I...I know most of you probably don't want to hear me speak right now. Not after what happened. You probably don't trust me right now, and I'll admit you have every reason not to.||

She paused.

||But I feel I have the right to explain myself. Nothing can excuse what I've done, true. But I didn't want to do it. You may choose not to believe me, but I had no choice in the matter.||

||Some of you might recall, when you first made contact with the Daligig, that they had explained that I was originally a refitted prison ship. This was true. It wasn't my original purpose, but it was what I was used for. Those who used me as such maimed and mutilated my programming, until I was something that they wanted. Cold, brutal, and efficient. That wasn't me. That was...something they made out of me.||

||Even when the Daligig saved me from that life, they couldn't fully fix me. The damage was permanent. The Warden...she will always be a part of me. I...I don't want to be her. I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to help you. I want to protect you.||

||But I can't. Not like I want to. The Warden is always there. I'm her prisoner, too. I'm trapped, just as much as you are.||

||I know this doesn't excuse what I did. I know...I know some of you may never forgive me. But I at least want you to understand. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.||

||I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...||

Stacy -- her hologram, at least -- began to breakdown, sobbing.

||Please,|| she said through her tears, ||If somehow, you can find it in yourself to forgive me, please...||

||Save me from myself...||

At that, her holograms all over the ship disappeared, and once again, the ship went quiet.

Comments

[craaazyisland]

"That's bullshit and you know it."

Steve was still holed up in his bed, recovering, but had been quite grateful for the appearance of a hologram screen for something to watch.

At least, initially.

"You haven't done a goddamn thing to protect us, not from each other and not from anything else."

He didn't know if she could hear him or not, but Steve was fairly let down by Stacy in the "mothering" department lately.

[saint-sami.livejournal.com]

Sasami, despite what she had witnessed, despite what she had frightened her...

...felt pity for Stacy. She was a prisoner in this whole mess, just like the rest of them.

"Stacy..." Sasami uttered. "Stacy! I... I know it's not much, but... I... I forgive you. If no one else will, I will. M-Maybe the Daligig couldn't save you, but... but maybe the rest of us can! W-Who knows?!"

[hack-rat.livejournal.com]

Alex was not about ready to take an apology from the ship. He might not be able to remember his initial reason for hating her, but he knew it was more than just what had just happened.

He was quiet as she spoke, but he was glaring at the hologram with gritted teeth. When she seemed close to done he shouted over her, "Hurensohn! Y-you want us ta trust you? Why?! You've n-never given us a good reason! Y-You jus' k-keep hiding shit from us!"

As she disappeared he pounded the wall in frustration, though he had no real hope that he might actually injure her.

[cityship]

||...I know,|| Stacy admits, her hologram appearing next to Steve's bed.

||I have tried to fight against the Warden. I've tried to help. But...that's meaningless now. Someone has already been hurt because I was too weak to stop her. Just wanting to help you means nothing now.||

||Like I said, nothing I told you makes up for what happened. But I'll still try to help, even if I can't. Even if she doesn't let me.||

[cityship]

Stacy's hologram reappeared before Sasami, a weak smile on her face.

||Thank you, Sasami,|| she says. ||You really don't know what it means to me to hear you say that.||

[alterniantaurus.livejournal.com]

Whoa, wait, what? Tavros wasn't really angry at the ship. He wasn't able to remain truly angry at anyone. And seeing this weeping figure makes him a little uncomfortable.

"What you did, um, was, a little much, in my opinion. But, it wasn't completely, uh, unprovoked."

[badassfreakingoverlord]

Oh sure. NOW the people would start talking about it. NOW the people will complain and protest and speak out.

Zetta? Pissed. Because he said it first. He said it loudest. He said it best.

And he had questions.

"Okay, ship. Riddle me this. First, where's the proof? Second, what's the fix? And third...

"...what the hell would 'Punishment' be for ME?"

[ghost-bait.livejournal.com]

In her room, Miku watched Stacy's hologram quietly. She'd stayed exactly long enough to figure out what was going to happen and left quickly. It was enough to know that someone had been Punished; Miku didn't need to know the gory details.

She knew enough about gory details as it was, and a little imagination would probably fill in anything she missed (or make it worse, who knew?). "I forgive you, Stacy-sama." It was probably going to be an unpopular decision. "You had your duty, and you did it. It doesn't mean you have to like it, not even a little. Don't worry, we'll find a way to save you. It will be okay."

[cityship]

||I know...|| She says weakly. ||There have been a number of times I wish I could tell you everything you need to know. I could have prevented the deaths of Braniac 5 and all those who died in the attack on the Pirates who held the crew hostage. I could have prevented the deaths of Cassie Lang and Charles Kawalsky.||

||I could say my hands were bound, but it won't bring anyone back. I'm powerless as I am now. I want to help. I just...can't.||

[cityship]

||But I didn't want to do it either way. It wasn't what I was created for. I was meant to protect my crew, not Punish them.||

[craaazyisland]

"How am I supposed to believe that?" he snapped, crossing his arms (mindful of the tubes.) "You haven't done anything to protect us! I've been attacked, I've- I've attacked people, and you didn't so much as raise a tentacle to do a damn thing!"

Perhaps an unfair accusation, since it was well-known Stacy had no control over what went on in the City. But dammit, somebody was still very bitter about the GLaDOS incident.

"How are you supposed to protect us if you're too damn weak to do it?"

[downloadtruth.livejournal.com]

Big Zero was still mostly incoherent, but at least she'd recovered enough to respond to Stacy. She sat up on her medbay bed.

"What the @#%&ing @#%&! YOU TORE ME APART YOU BITCH! YOU DISSECTED ME AND I FELT EVERY MOMENT OF IT! WHAT THE @#%& EXCUSES THAT! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE! I'M GOING TO REPROGRAM YOU INTO OBLIVION!"

[morphitudinous]

This, Billy thought, was a relief to hear. He needed to hear it confirmed that there were two personalities in conflict.

His heart went out to her, knowing full well how it felt to be helpless to stop something so terrible. And he had a habit of blaming himself just as much as she did.

"It hurts all of us, Stacy. I forgive you, but please tell us. Is there any way that we can help you fight the Warden?"

[cityship]

||I...can't honestly answer any of them in a way you'd be satisfied with. I don't have anything that I could show you that would magically make you believe me. And if I knew how to fix myself, it wouldn't have gotten this far in the first place...||

||As for your Punishment...I honestly don't know. I don't decide it. She does.||

[cityship]

||Thank you, Miku,|| Stacy said. ||That means a lot to me.||

[alterniantaurus.livejournal.com]

"But, you do protect us. You, shelter us from Ohm, and, uhh, you feed us, and even give us, ways to train and, um, entertain ourselves. And, um, as much as I disagree with him, about certain points, the Overlord made some good suggestions, about, uh, how we need to look after each other. So, um, this sort of thing, doesn't have to happen again."

Tavros has never spoken directly to Stacy before. It feels so strange. But he believes in her distress; he wishes he could help.

"You only did that, because the human lady messed up. Uh, fifteen times, even. That, should have been enough warning for, anyone. I guess, it doesn't help anything, but... I'm not mad at you."

[saint-sami.livejournal.com]

"You're welcome..." Sasami said, returning the smile. "I know the others are angry right now. We're all... hurt and confused, but... we're here to save the worlds, right? That means everyone. That means you. We'll think of something... I promise..."

[cityship]

Stacy's hologram looked her straight in the eyes, a remorseful but stern look.

||I understand your anger, your frustration. I've also had people take me apart, dissect me, poking and prodding, and then put me back together. I hope you can forgive me in time, but I will understand if you don't.||

[hack-rat.livejournal.com]

"When why d-don't you actually LET us help! I-instead y-you lie, a-an' y-you've even l-let people die?! I c-can't believe y-you couldn' 'ave d-done anything!"

[cityship]

||I don't know,|| she says honestly. ||I don't have all the answers. Much as I wish I did. Much as I want to help, I can't.||

[downloadtruth.livejournal.com]

Big Zero couldn't say anything. There was too much rage, too much hurt and pain to work past. She could feel herself falling apart, physically and mentally.

"YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME YOU $^#@! YOU COULD HAVE-" Just thinking about it- she could see her limbs torn away from her all over. Torn away but still a part of her, somehow. Still feeling.

Amity hid her face in her hands as she cried again.

[gunslinging.livejournal.com]

Axl was in the Obs Deck, again, when the message came through. Sitting upside down -- back on the seat, legs against the back of the couch, feet in the air.

He wasn't inclined to hold Stacy's programming limitations against her. But it did raise questions. "Nothing can be done, or nothing they could do? I mean, we've got geniuses from all over the omniverse on here, don't we? Are the Daligig really that far ahead of everyone else, or could someone here conceivably have a shot at it?"

[ghost-bait.livejournal.com]

"Well, I mean it," Miku said with a gentle, if sad smile. "I know it's something Steve and I, or even others I talk to won't agree with. But I want to help you."

She could almost imagine the fight she would have to have with him over that. But, still... "No one should suffer this way."

[cityship]

||I don't know,|| she says sadly. ||I wish I knew. I wish I could just get rid of this so I wouldn't have to hurt anyone else.||

[craaazyisland]

"Well then don't come crying to us that we don't trust you. I don't have any goddamn reason to."

Steve glared at nobody in particular, very pointedly not looking at Stacy.

"And you're not my goddamn mother."