trans_9 | We all need help to feel fine... [ Semi-Closed to Billy, open to others in a separate thread ]

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We all need help to feel fine... [ Semi-Closed to Billy, open to others in a separate thread ]

Kaylee doesn’t want to be here anymore. Her eyes had been closed for the majority of Big Zero’s Punishment, her face buried into Kang’s side and shielded by his wing, but the screams were harder to block out. They rang out in her head as Kang had walked her back to Serenity, helped her make it to the infirmary, just in time for her to hurl up her last meal into the nearest sink. He stayed until she had her cup of tea and had assured him for what must have been the hundredth time that it was okay, he could go back and do what he needed to.

After the hundred-and-first reassurance, Kang finally leaves, and Kaylee finds herself alone with her ship. Where Wash and Jayne are, she doesn’t know, but she’s somewhat happy that they aren’t here at the moment. They’ve seen her through worse before, but she would rather sit quietly and think things over than have to talk about anything right now.

She’s not sure how to feel about Stacy at this point, a feeling that has slowly grown from the sound of screams still playing through her head. That she’s been lending a hand for all this time to help fix a ship that was capable of something so awful... Stacy might as well be a Reaver ship at this rate.

Serenity’s engine room has been a place of comfort since Kaylee joined the crew, and she holds her cup of tea close as she starts the engine up. The ship shudders to life, and the low hum alone is enough to calm her. She curls up in her hammock, closing her eyes and concentrating on the sounds of Serenity.

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Silence was the only way she could bring herself to agree. Her stomach twisted into knots again, and for the first time Kaylee was glad for her stomach being empty.

They were like trained and caged dogs at this point, needed to pull the cart and not ask too many questions and to sit and stay and come when called.

She tried to say that it was for the better, that they were helping and saving people who needed it, but it wasn't in her to force the words out, or to push a smile. Instead she managed a small whimper of acknowledgment to the facts, and buried her face into Billy's shoulder in an attempt to at least slow the tears that were welling up.

Billy was speechless too, at least for a while. All he could do was hold her close, comforting her while he tried to think of what to say. If there was anything to say that could possibly make this better.

He stroked her back as he thought, searching hard for any comfort he could give. "I'll never make you break a rule, all right? If there's ever a situation in which an engineer has to break rules and risk Punishment, I'll do it. Nothing else should put you in danger."

There wasn't much that could be said at this moment. Time would help make things better, but there was definitely no turning back to the completely naivete they might have had before. Not from this point on.

She wanted to yell at him for that, to tell him that it wasn't fair and he shouldn't be the one to make a choice like that. But as a higher ranking member of the crew, it was more his choice than hers, however unfair it sounded. Still. "That ain't. I'd do it, you know. If I was told--asked. You don't...you don't gotta put the weight of the 'verse on your shoulders, Billy. Wouldn't be any more fair to let you do it than to let..."

Billy sighed. Of course it wouldn't help, but was there a better choice? "If it will keep our crew safe and willing to work, what choice do I have? I'll at least make the offer to everyone and ask them to consider it."

It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, but at least they knew that he would survive a Punishment now. "I don't want us to have to be afraid, Kaylee. If I can help you, I will. That's a promise."

She understood, as much as she hated to. Was this what living on the ship would become? Living in fear of what their own ship might do if they tried to help themselves?

"I won't stop you if you think it's right." Kaylee draped an arm over his stomach, the closest thing she could do to a hug at the moment, and pulled him close. "Just that...If anybody on this boat don't deserve it, it's you."

Billy breathed in, setting a comforting hand on the arm over him and squeezing.

"I know, Kaylee. But I thought a lot about what Big Zero said during the fight. My friends have been telling me not to listen to her, but she said that I don't take enough responsibility. That I let Cassie die because I wasn't on top of things."

He shuddered. "I know there are too many variables to settle that argument, but if I do take more responsibility less people will be hurt. Maybe I can save someone."

Hero complex, oh yes.

Alright, she could stand listening to Billy worry over the crew, and accepting him taking charge where he didn't necessarily need to was alright, but this? There is no way she's going to listen to Billy talk like this.

With the most energy she's had since the Punishment, Kaylee sits up and glares at Billy.

"Don't you think--don't you even dare to think like that, Billy Cranston, or I swear on my ship I'll whack you so hard you'll be seein' stars."

It works after a moment of shock. Billy shrinks back, raising one arm over his chest instinctively.

"I...Kaylee, I..."

He looks lost, younger than he is. With all that false confidence stripped away, maybe even afraid.

"What would you have me do?" He's quiet. "I can't save them, but...standing by?"

Kaylee feels a twinge of guilt at seeing him shrink back like that, and makes a point of sliding herself under his arm, right back to cuddling him close. Her hand goes back to smoothing down his hair.

"I don't know, and I ain't gonna pretend I do, but..."

A heavy sigh escapes her. "I ain't gonna have you blamin' yourself for none of it. You already do more than enough for the crew, Billy. Don't think you have to take every little thing on your shoulders."

"Kaylee?"

Ah, he's blushing again, tucking his head over her shoulder and curling an arm around her. "I'm sorry. I know it's a bad habit, and the bad situation hasn't helped. She really rattled me, and then Stacy swooped in with that."

Billy thinks through that for a moment, sorting past the pain. "I think...my mind craves rational explanations for things that make no sense. I center those explanations on blaming myself out of habit, and...as I know myself best, I'm the easiest target. But that's irrational, isn't it?"

She nods, involuntarily shuddering. "Rattled the whole crew, I'd say. Somethin' I'd expect from the Ohm, not necessarily our own ship." Unpleasant, to say the least.

"Plenty irrational, for such a rational guy." She almost laughs at it. Almost. "But that sounds just like you, Billy. Which is why Jamie 'n me are around to kick you out of it."

Billy agrees. "It's strange. Stacy says she wants to protect us, but then this disciplinary programming activates. With two personalities active, it's hard to feel safe."

But, he thinks, this isn't so bad. "Thanks." He sighs, tilting close for a few moments. "If I can't feel safe with Stacy, but at least I have you two."

And that means a lot in this scary world.

Her voice lowers to a barely audible whisper. They're in Serenity, sure, but Kaylee doesn't really want to take any chances after everything that's already happened today. "There's gotta be a way to override it, right? A subprogram someplace..." They didn't necessarily have to override the entire program, either. Maybe just replace it with something else. She'd done it before, with other systems. It had to be possible for Stacy.

Kaylee's immediately distracted from her thoughts by Billy's next words. She doesn't move for a moment, and when she does it's to plant a comforting and sisterly kiss on his cheek.

"We're glad to have you, Billy. More'n we could say."

"If there is a way, we'll find it," Billy promises in a whisper, wrapping her up protectively. Here, nothing would get them. Even if he had to learn to twist out of a hammock and morph in record time.

Uh oh, Kaylee's quiet. Did he say something wrong? He tries to think of a way to backpedal, failing as her face gets closer. Her sudden kiss on his cheek is welcome if embarrassing, tugging the corners of his mouth up for a second and prompting a hand to rub her back softly.

"It's my honor. I wouldn't have it any other way." For a moment, he looks as content as possible in this situation. "Do you need anything else? More tea, a blanket?"

In a backwards kind of way, Kaylee's happy that Billy is seeming a little more upbeat than normal. It's refreshing, letting someone else promise that a way will be found, instead of just saying it herself and getting shot down constantly.

She shakes her head, shifting to make herself and Billy more comfortable. "Nope. This's nice right here, don't need anythin' more."

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We all need help to feel fine... [ Semi-Closed to Billy, open to others in a separate thread ]

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