trans_9 | New and Old Wounds [Closed]

Entry tags:

New and Old Wounds [Closed]

Dani had an amazing ability to focus if she needed to. Just to focus on that one thing and let everything else take the back seat. However, she needed to HAVE that something that could be the focus without it just leading right back to what she was trying to ignore.

At the moment, she didn't really have it. All of it was too heavily connected to the problem she was having; namely that Jake had ordered, at some point in his timeline, for his cousin to kill his brother to get rid of Iniss. Dani could see his thinking of why he'd done it. While she didn't know EVERYTHING, she knew enough. She didn't think it was right or reasonable, but she understood the thinking well enough.

But that didn't change the situation. Tom was freaking out because Jake had ordered him killed and she was freaking out because she'd been reminded of old wounds and it was very hard to keep a level head.

She had gotten Iniss and Tom away from the situation. Phased them right away and had a blissful few minutes until she found an isolated corridor to finally stop in, well away from Rachel and Jake and all of them.

She pulled away from Iniss then, moving her hands to rub the heal of her palms to her forehead, trying to get herself under control. She DEALT with this. The wound was OLD. Tom was the one who needed help, not her. She just had to get herself to CALM DOWN.

((Bendy-time to after this.))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Iniss was almost unwilling to allow her to pull away. Everything he had learned to this point was telling him something was wrong. Something was very wrong and Dani was hurt.

"Dani..."

How was he supposed to handle this? What was he supposed to do for her? "Dani-" It wasn't ok, he couldn't lie to her and tell her it was. He couldn't lie to her. Not even those nice safe lies that humans seemed to enjoy telling so much.

He reached out, settling a hand on her shoulder, at a loss for words and reactions. "I'm here." It was a useless statement, it felt useless and worthless and pointless. She knew he was here, she'd brought him here. Why did he feel the need to reaffirm his presence? "What can I do?"

What could he do...? What could anyone do? The past couldn't be changed and there was no chance at redemption for something like this. To ask for forgiveness. And for the one who could try and gain forgiveness probably won't even if there was a high chance he was in the pods.

"I...Tom...we have to help Tom. This sort of thing....it's enough to destroy someone," Dani said, her voice wavering as she took deep breathes, even if she didn't need them, in an effort to calm herself.

"Dani, Tom will wait. How can I help you? You're hurting. It won't do any good to try to help him and hurt yourself further." Practical as the statement was, he was really more concerned about the child in front of him than the host willfully blocking out the world in the back of his mind. Tom would wait, Tom could be distracted by good memories being triggered while he dealt with Dani. "Because 'this sort of thing' is obviously well on it's way to hurting you. I don't want that."

"It's already been on it's way!" Dani snapped. "That...it's...I dealt with it. Just seeing both parties for that pain at once..." She clenched her hands, pulling at some of her hand with her hands still against her forehead.

"I...it's old. It's old and I didn't expect to be reminded so suddenly. But I can't...I can't ignore Tom. I know how he feels. I know how much it hurts and he isn't like me who knows...who knows what it's like to both having done it and be the victim of it."

"Then let me help. You're not dealing with it, you're burying it." He gave her shoulder a squeeze, resisting the urge to pull her back against him. "Just because it's old, doesn't mean it stopped hurting. Sometimes those are the worst injuries, aren't they?" How did he help? How did he make her lose that manic edge, that cracked, almost broken look? How did humans DEAL with these insane emotions? It didn't make any sense. He wanted to protect her, but there was no enemy chasing her.

"We're not ignoring him, he's reliving his 6th birthday, he'll be fine for a little bit longer and able to ignore the universe like he wants. Talk to me, Dani. Let me help you, and then we'll help my host."

"It'll always hurt...it never not hurts, it never will..." Dani said. "I can just....I remember it..."

Slowly, her fingers unclenched, her shoulders starting to sag. "It was too much at once..." She said, the manic starting to disappear and there was hurt and pain and exhaustion in her voice. "And either way, I'll be reminded trying to help Tom...I can...I can work through it...I did it before and I can..."

She swallowed, feeling a lump in her throat as she tried to keep back the tears. "I can help him...so he doesn't stay broken..."

"Dani." He lifted his other hand to her shoulder, pulling back into the hug. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do for her? She was his friend and she was hurting, and he had helped hurt her. He circled a hand on her back, offering as much physical comfort as he could. "We'll make sure of it." She wanted to help Tom, if that would help her then he wanted to help Tom as well, and not just because he didn't like the emptiness in the back of his mind. He didn't want her to cry, he had no idea how to handle a crying child, but at the same time he wanted her to let whatever emotional reaction was on the verge of happening to happen.

Bottling it up seemed like it would hurt her more.

"I-Iniss-" She started before a sob escaped her. She wasn't used to comfort. She never had it much and only really experienced it twice. Other times she did bury it until she could deal with it herself.

It was never easy. And when she was getting comfort, she really didn't know WHAT to do with it. Especially when it was breaking down the walls she'd been trying to set up and rather efficiently too as the tears started to come, whether she wanted them too or not.

In the end, despite how strong she could be most of the time, she was still a little girl.

"Shhhh." It was awkward, having another creature crying on you. Strange in ways he couldn't quite define as anything reasonable. Tears as an expression of grief and loss had always puzzled him, anyway. But on some level it made him happy, happy that she trusted him enough. Happy that even if he wasn't able to do anything else for her, he could do this.

Tom's memories were really his only recourse, his only guide into this minefield of human emotions. "I've got you, just let it out, Dani."

He didn't tell her it was going to be alright, or that it was safe now. Neither were true, and he couldn't start lying to her now.

She didn't say anything. All she did was cling to him and started crying. It hurt, it hurt, it HURT and she knew it would never not hurt. While she had been on Stacy long enough, it hadn't made up for most of her life, it had made up a good chunk of it. Running from her father who wanted to kill her.

After she had killed her brothers on his orders and justification. There was never an 'okay' for this and there never would be. She did deal with it as much as she possibly could, but the pain would never go away. Not for her, at least.

But it did mean that, while she did break down, the tears did eventually subside after a short while. Perhaps an eternity for someone like Iniss who didn't deal with emotions that often, but for what it was, it was probably closer to a surprisingly short time.

He kept his hand on her back, circling and murmuring soft, useless words. Trying his very best to help her, or at least give her something to cling to. It was hard, not knowing what he was doing, not having Tom piping up with helpful advice in the back of his mind. All he could do was try his best to hold her and comfort her until she was done. What else could he do? He couldn't take the bad memories away, he couldn't make it not have happened. He couldn't even rewrite the events of a few

How uselessness. He couldn't even offer her a tissue.

"What happened, Dani?"

"...I used to be unstable," Dani said softly, not moving away, keeping her face pressed against his shoulder. "Every clone my creator made was unstable. A combination of it being a new technology and because halfa DNA is inherently unstable to shift between the two forms. To clone it is incredibly difficult."

"I was one farthest along that didn't immediately melt, the only surviving clone that could gain a human form. It was possible to stabilize me. It was done later, thanks to Danny. But that was never an option. I was too young, I was the wrong gender. Even though I would have fit for everything else, from the very beginning I was not good enough to be his daughter. He wanted Danny as his son, so perfecting a girl had no point."

He ran his fingers through her hair, listening intently, still offering the physical comfort. Listening, at least, was something he knew how to do, and she had obviously been holding this close inside for a very long time. "Then he was an idiot, to not see how special and unique you were. Who needs a copy when you can have something new and wonderful?"

The words were soft, full of the sentimental nonsense that he despised. But it was Dani. The thought of someone deciding that Dani wasn't good enough to survive BOTHERED him. She was an amazing individual. He didn't want anyone else. How someone could not have seen that based only upon gender baffled and bothered him.

Dani let out a short, bitter laugh. "And he's say that too," she said. "Vlad wasn't stupid. He wouldn't throw away an option so easily. He said I was special. That I was different and better and the perfect daughter. He was always so sweet and kind to me, always acting so supportive." There was a lot of bitterness and pain there. A lot of anger and even hate. But there was also a tone of longing. She had loved that time, as much as she also resented it, because he had been her father then, before she knew the truth.

"Because he saw out of all the clones that managed to survive, I was one who could be used to trick Danny, to gain his trust should direct force not work. Someone who could stab him in the back at the right moment to capture him to get the last sample Vlad needed for the final clone. And he made me believe it was all right."

Iniss scowled, tightening his arms around her possessively. "It sounds like he was very good at lying to you." He had never understood how humans felt so connected to their sires, but this sounded much more like a mentor and student, and that he did have experience with. His friend had been used.

He had taken hosts, he had used people, and yet somehow this was the most offensive thing he had ever encountered. Dani was far too special to have been put through that on the whim of a madman who wanted a 'son'. "So he sent you to take care of him, without ever telling you anything." No wonder she had freaked out, Jake and Rachel were doing the same thing.

"More than that...a little girl who appears from nowhere, claiming to be his cousin who ran away from home. It only makes sense he'd take me to his parents, to find whatever relatives I came from and to tell them where I was," Dani said, her arms tightening a bit around Iniss, though not to the point of painful. "So we had to make sure I could stay long enough to get his trust, but not have his parents know I'm there. He had to know I was a halfa to, because he's one and there would be too many questions for him to go to his parents without knowing more. But just saying 'hey, I'm a halfa' is suspicious too."

"...there were three other clones who survived, only with ghost form. They were kind of stupid, but they were like me. Fooled into thinking 'daddy loved them' and 'we want daddy to be happy' and not smart enough to be selfish and think 'I want to be happy with daddy too' and would happily sacrifice themselves for his happiness. A fight scenario where I would obviously have cause to transform and help Danny but..."

She let out another quiet, choked sob. "They couldn't take the fight. The DNA wasn't stable enough to take it."

"Your brothers." The words were soft, almost unwilling. Understanding, suddenly, where she was coming from. What had caused that look of startled horror. He pressed her close, stroking her hair. What could you say to that? 'I'm Sorry'? 'It wasn't your fault'?

"So he had you kill them, to get closer to Danny." He kept his grip tight, protecting her against his body.

"One left to slaughter, another I did myself to 'help Danny,' another left for forcing Danny to transform, and the one who never woke up caught in a crossfire," Dani said softly. "Danny said the were mindless, but...he never knew them. And he had every right to defend himself against what he thought were just the usual ghosts. He didn't know what he was really doing, but I did. I just...refused to see it because I was supposed to be 'better than them.' I never even tried to save them." And that's what it had come down to. Vlad had convinced her they weren't anything special, nothing worth saving, and father knew best, right? So why question their destruction.

"And then I realized in his eyes, I was the same. Only a tool to be used. Danny tried to warn me, but I kept refusing to see it until I was the only one he could use to get the DNA he wanted anymore. My differences between them only made me more difficult to handle."

He was more careful with his manipulations. She was a 'failure,' but she had been far enough along he realized she might figure out what was going on and rebel. The others had been too stupid for that, so he could spend less time tiptoeing around them. Training her to be more on par with Danny gave him the opportunity to reinforce that image of her being 'better.' Answering her questions, giving her just a bit more affection, all enough to fool her completely that the others had already fallen for.

"It doesn't matter. You cared about them." He kept running his fingers down her back, thoughtful. Trying to think of what to say. "Sometimes, all you can do is what you're told. It doesn't make it right, Dani. But... You wanted to do your mentor proud, you wanted to be worth something. That is something every sentient desires. It's not a crime. He used you, and you believed him, you were innocent, Dani. You realized your mistake." He gave her a little squeeze, trying to think of what to say. "What did you do, when you realized?"

"I'm not innocent. I didn't realize the truth and I should have. I just refused too," she said quietly, almost inaudible. It was her crime. Vlad was guilty too, but she definitely wasn't innocent.

"Freed Danny, fought Vlad, though Danny's friends had to come in at the end because Danny wore himself out with the Ghostly Wail. Vlad...has twenty years of experience on Danny, so trying to beat him and destroy the lab wasn't easy," Dani said. Vlad was...very terrifying, honestly. "After that, I had left Danny with his friends to get back to his house since...I kind of left them in trouble at their school and wanted to help out with that. And give myself some time alone to deal with the pain. It took a few more days before I realized...everything I had done."

She had spent those days trying to figure out how to deal with everything that happened. She didn't stay with Danny. She didn't want to give him the trouble as he couldn't exactly EXPLAIN her to his parents. Then there was the threat following her.

"Back home I was mostly running, researching ways to try and fix myself." Thus why she had a strong interest in Biology. "And to not be found by Vlad. He...was really angry. I was to exist to 'serve him' and I had rebelled and had a hand in destroying all his work. He wanted me dead. Even not knowing people, I knew that was the look in his eyes before Danny's friends came in." Her voice started to waver again.

And this time it was a mix of a laugh and a sob. "And he succeeded for a short time just a few weeks before Stacy took me."

"He caught you?" His arms tightened around her again, protective. "You were innocent, Dani. He was much older and much more experienced at using people. You were a child. You can't be expected to know everything from the moment of creation. Those things take time to learn. It's why most species take time to educate their young. What makes you think that you could have realized the truth, Dani? Upon what logic do you base that assumption? Because you wanted to, retroactively? He is to blame. Not you. What's the human saying, 'Hindsight is 20/20'?"

He kept his arms around her, protecting her and the moment. Allowing her to speak and listening and absorbing her past. What was he supposed to do?

"Because deep inside, I knew something was wrong. That's why I started to question Vlad. I just didn't want to see it for what it was," she said, sounding tired. She wasn't 'normal.' There was parts of Danny in her that had been screaming at her, but she didn't want to acknowledge them.

"And he did. And he wanted to figure out why I lasted so long. Almost a whole year and yet I didn't melt away like everyone else. There was...something unhinged about him. Frightening and terrifying, like there was no hope to reason with him. He was going to try the clone thing again and he decided to see why I lasted as long as I did."

"Unstable clones melt. He had sent electricity through me, trying to make me go through so much pain I couldn't keep together anymore and would finally do so. It felt like...like every single nerve ending was set on fire. And yet..." Another laugh, this one having hints of hysteria. "I wished that pain never ended because I knew the end result if it did."

She started to shake again, ripping tightly at Iniss' plantsuit. When she spoke again, it was soft and very frightened. "When you melt, you slowly feel all sense of feeling go away from those limbs...and when you melt completely...I was in that dark room. No sound, no scent, no light, total nothingness except for my thoughts."

There was a reason she could understand why a Yeerk wanted a host.

"Knowing something is wrong and having the power to act against it are two very different things, Dani. Knowing that there are parts of you that are trying to say something doesn't mean they are your thoughts. It sounds like you were trying to ingratiate a great deal of information very quickly. No reasonable sentient could find you guilty of the crimes you are holding yourself personally accountable for."

He hissed, the only physical reaction he couldn't hide, pressing her closer. "Dani..." Worry for her, concern, protectiveness, all waring and trying to be felt all at once. "I won't let him touch you ever again." The words were a gut reaction, human words. He needed to say it. He needed to promise he would protect her. He stroked the back of her head, keeping his arms tight around her. "Never again."

"I am not evil. That is why I'm not...but it doesn't make me innocent of what I did. Most of the blame is Vlad, but I still hold part of the guilt." And, in the end, someone had to. Because Vlad never would and she never wanted Danny to. It wasn't an 'accident,' their deaths so to have no blame be taken felt wrong.

"...I don't plan to let him," Dani said softly. "I'm fixed, so next time...I can actually fight him." And yet, it was a relief, to think there was more than just Danny who would be there for her.

"I think it does. How old were you Dani? What else had you ever known but his commands? If you had Danny's memories, how could you make those align with your own? It's illogical, to hold yourself accountable for such things. Hold the person who caused it to happen."

He stroked her hair. "Good. I don't want you to vanish, Dani."

It was quiet possibly the most honest statement he had ever made in his entire life.

Halp how does I do emotions?

Stumble through them like humans do~

Cue bungling affection?

/o/

no subject

no subject

HALP HOW I COMFORT?!

APPARENTLY THIS WAY

AWWWWWW DANI. Iniss is SO BAD AT THIS

NOT AS BAD AS HE COULD BE

HE'S TRYING

SHE'LL APPRECIATE IT

Poor Dani ;.;

Yes. T_T

*hugs her forever*

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

hugs her forever