trans_9 | One last loose thread

Alex had slept for a short while, and woken up more of himself, though still thoroughly shaken. And feeling miserable. Zetta, despite his attempts, had not really been helping. At his first chance he rushed past Katara where she slept, bruised by his own fists, and went to hide in his room.

He had been sitting on his bed, pressed into the corner with his sheet wrapped around him. Whenever Tavros entered the room, he ducked under his sheets and did his best to disappear.

To make it worse, he had abandoned Alice, and since then he had not seen her. He wanted to look for her, to ask about her, but he couldn't bring himself to use his Omnicomm. If she wasn't there, it was because she didn't want to be with him any more. He couldn't see how anyone would want to be around him.

He was about to fin out he was wrong there.

"Alex," she said, noticing the bulge in the sheets. She walked over to him and sat down near the bed, sighing. She could already see he was full of self loathing after what had happened. But she also knew that he;d been making great strides since Luna was around, and to have Stacy take that way from him had thrown him in a mess.

"I know you think its horrible, what Stacy did. You may not know it, but in a way you're lucky. Luna was a once in a lifetime friend, and you can remember exactly how she was. A few months ago, it wasn't like that. If someone you cared about was repodded, it was like you were left with gaps in your memory. So I can't remember the names of my teachers anymore, or if I really cared about someone on the ship. It's just gone."

She swallowed. "I'm sorry she's gone. You cared a lot about her, and she liked you. I could tell."

Alex whimpered under the sheet, "M-maybe th-that'd b-be better... I-If I just f-forgot her... a-an' th-then m-maybe it'd s-stop h-hurtin' s-so much."

Of course he considered the idea, but even though he said it, he really didn't want to forget Luna. He couldn't imagine not remembering her. Though they hadn't had long together, she had changed him in small subtle ways. He might not be acutely aware of this, but he knew that she was important to him.

Katara seized his hand a moment, unable to stop herself. "No, Alex, you're wrong. Luna had an impact on you, and she was able to help you open up a little more. She was one of the most unique people I've ever known. Even if it hurts that she's gone, I'd rather remember the memories she left. You still have the time she gave you."

She touched his face a moment. "I'm actually really glad you saw that in her too."

Snatching his hand back he muffled a cry, "I d-don't deserve h-her, o-or y-you. Y-you an' e-everyone'd b-be better o-off i-if I jus' s-stay h-hidden, s-so I d-don' hurt anyone e-else..." He shifted and turned away from Katara, trying to press himself into the wall.

Katara definitely was not happy to hear this, and she went from being concerned to full on disciplinary.

"Alex, come on now! You can't possibly believe that! What would Luna say if she heard you bad mouthing yourself like this, it would be like all tat she was trying to help you with was for nothing! She cared very much about you, and so do I! You were upset and you lost control: trust me, it happens. But we can help you with that too. Just give us a chance?"

"B-but when I l-lose c-control, I c-can k-kill people. I-I don' k-know... m-maybe it..." rather than finish his sentence, he began sobbing silently, only small gasps of air and his shivering shoulders under the sheets indicating his tears.

"Then we can teach you control," Katara said. "That's why we're here, we have to help each other! Do you think I'd ever let you suffer by yourself? You;re my friend. Could you imagine Luna leaving you along, even if she knew this was something you could do?"

Alex moaned painfully, shuddering with tears. "B-but I c-can't always b-be certain th-that I-I'll be able ta maintain th-that c-control. One s-slip, an' I c-can d-do s-so much w-worse than I d-did."

"Then we'll just have to learn what to do to counteract your powers, won't we?" Katara continued stubbornly. "I can talk to that woman that stopped you, she can help, and I'll talk to you, and I'm sure we can find a way to keep you under control. Look, I should have told you something when you joined the Outsiders."

Here, she looked him straight in the eyes. "I know the old members would have had a heck of a time, trying to deal with your kind of problem. They were both heroes in their own rights. The Outsiders are varied, but we're going to do what we can for each other, Alex. That's just how we are."

She brought a hand to his face to wipe the tears, and the water transferred to Katara. "No one is holding you back but you now, Alex. We're still here."

Alex shied from her hand, and he pulled the sheet over his head, making himself a cocoon. His voice was muffled by the sheet and talking into his arm, "'K-keep y-you under c-control'... Th-that was wh-what they'd d-do ta any shadow e-eater w-who got overshadowed. Th-they'd l-lock 'em u-up... an'... I-I don' e-even know..."

All the progress he had made seemed to have been shattered.

Katara shook her head. "No Alex, not like that. You need to understand something: this isn't like your world back home. Look around you! We have all these scientists, magicians, benders, aliens: don't you think we can find a way to help you that won't harm you in the process? Do you think I'd ever let anything happen to you like that? I'll stay up extra nights if I have to, and we'll figure out what we can do. I'll do everything in my power to make sure that we help you control your shadows."

She took his hand. "But...I need you to try too. I can't do anything if you just resign yourself to doom. I'll help wherever I can, but you have to trust yourself."

Alex whined in fear and snatched his hand away from Katara, pulling all of his limbs into his cocoon so that he looked more like a heap of sheets than a person. "I-I... I c-can't a-ask y-you th-that... I-I... I t-tried ta k-kill you."

Surely she couldn't really be meaning to help him after that, could she?

"I could have fought you," Katara said bluntly. "You haven't even seen my abilities, Alex. I was trained as a master waterbender, I learned martial arts, I can move at a speed faster than most on the ship, but I didn't touch you. I would have thought you'd have figured out why: I knew there was a way to reach you without fighting. I still believe it too."

She reached over and lightly touched his head. "I want to do it Alex. I want to help you."

Alex flinched away violently, making a terrified sound from her touch. "P-please, s-stop." How is it that she could be so nice about it? So... understanding? "I-I-I'll j-jus'... I-I... Wh-why?" He just couldn't understand why she was so willing to put it all behind her. They had just met a short time ago. They hadn't even spent all that much time together, really. Sure, they had spent a decent amount, but not as much as he had with Luna, or as much time as he had spent alone.

Katara was a little taken aback at his reaction: had losing Luna returned him back to how he was when he first got here? That bothered her, just as much as him asking her a question like that. Surely he didn't think she was willing to let him do this by himself.

"Because you want to help, just like anyone else, but you've been hurt." Katara said this slowly. "And people who have been hurt for a long time don't fit with others because they're afraid to be hurt again. You told me that when I got to know you...did you guess that I already knew that? I've seen pretty bad war in my world, Alex, and I've learned letting people suffer by themselves is as bad as letting them blindly go to the enemy's camp. You do what you can, and that's it."

She narrowed her eyes. "What's more, Luna would have wanted me to. Do you doubt that?"

Alex was silent except for his sobbing breaths. He knew deep down that Katara was right, but his mind wasn't quite ready to accept the idea. He pulled the sheet around him tighter. He did think that Luna would want Katara to help him, but the mention of Luna caused an even greater pain in his chest.

Katara leaned in closer to him. She knew that he was hurting, knew still that he would beat himself up over this worse than any wound Katara would have given him. But she also knew that what attacked her back there wasn't Alex, that the real Alex was here, in pain and scared that he might hurt someone again.

"I couldn't know what you're going though," Katara said, "not quite. I'm a master waterbender, and that means I have to have self control and a way to calm myself even in the worse situations. Something like that doesn't happen overnight. I know you feel horrible about what you've done, but in time you'll realize that like any application of strength, it needs focus and more learning. I know you have that in you, and that's why I'm not giving up on you."

Alex curled himself tighter and the sound of a sob escaped him. "I-I d-don't. I-I've never been strong, a-an' I-I w-will n-never be strong..." He sobbed aloud again, and then was silent for a moment before he admitted the thought that had always haunted him.

"F-Father is r-right...

"I-I'm t-to weak t-to be u-useful."

Katara had tried to be nice, but Alex was in a funk, one big enough that he couldn't even listen to the person he'd accidentally injured. That meant that it wasn't likely he was going to listen to anyone. This was something that privately saddened her: it seemed that Luna was able to do something she couldn't. At the same time though, it upset her that Alex would continue to bemoan what happened to him, as of Luna had never existed.

"I suppose I can't convince you then," she said, trying to keep her voice level. "But do yourself a favor: don't show this to Zuko expecting sympathy. If there's one thing that he knows about, its overcoming things that were meant to bury him. I hope you learn that much from him that just because someone says something about you, you don't have to believe it."

She sighed, turning from Alex now. He wasn't the only one that would miss Luna.

Alex might not have been listening, but he did hear Katara. Eventually her words would sink in, though it would take time. For all of his insecurity, he had never once given up in his life, even if he talked about all of his failures.

The one thing he didn't expect though was sympathy. He was waiting for someone to yell at him. Someone to hit him, to call him an idiot. For all that it made him feel worse in the short term, his father's belittlement when Alex was really down eventually became something that Alex could use to fight against. He could take those hateful words, and while he would say their truth, he would fight against them.

It was either that, or Mikel's carefully chosen words that would pull him out of his deepest depressions, since Mikel always seemed to know just what would make Alex smile despite himself, be it a memory or a joke. It was something that years of knowing a person intimately and having skill with words allowed.

He bit his lip, "I-I'm s-sorry..." He didn't even know where to start in that list, but he was sincere. "I...I w-wish L-Luna w-was here..." He had the feeling that she would know just what to say as well.

"I know," Katara said, looking saddened herself. "I remember when I first got on the ship, I was feeling pretty out of it myself. I didn't know what I was doing on this ship, I was feeling pretty out of it. I met Luna and though she seemed pretty odd, the way she thought was really interesting. In a way, it helped me get used to the different way everyone is on the ship."

She'd miss her all right: she was still IN her memories, and she clung to that now, glad Stacy hadn't taken that from her. "She liked you, you know. I talked to her before the date. I was actually really glad to see you two together. I knew that in time, she would have helped you a lot."

Alex made another pained noise, "S-she's... w-wonderful. L-Lovely L-Luna. S-something a-about her... sh-she made a-all the sh-shadows disappear." He whimpered again, going back into sobbing tears. "W-without h-her..." he said between jagged breaths, 'i-it's l-like th-there's m-more th-than e-ever b-before..."

Katara took his hands a moment. "Listen," she said. "I will let you know something. People like Luna you don;t come across everyday. They change you, make you think differently, and in the end they make you happy you know them. What would Luna want, if she were to see you like this? I bet she'd hope you would get through it, that you'd learn to trust more like you did with her I know she wanted it when we talked about your date. She definitely cared about what happened to you, and so do I. It's why I'm here now."

She put a hand to his shoulder a moment. "Take all the time you need to recover from this, but I wanted to do something to remember her. If you wanna help, meet me in the Outsider's headquarters when you have the chance. Luna had a room there, and I'm making sure its always her room. I'll need help from someone who cared about her a lot too."

Alex shuddered away from her when she touched him, pulling his hands back. He slowly pulled the sheet off his head to reveal puffy bloodshot eyes. He couldn't bring himself to look at Katara though. INstead he looked at an empty spot on the bed.

"I-it... i-it'll t-take a wh-while," he warned. He had never been one to quickly get over things.

Katara nodded, sighing. "Take all the time you need. I'm just letting you know something Alex...dealing with people isn't something you do halfheartedly. We're all in the same boat. I'm going to do something to remind myself Luna was here."

She stated at him a moment. "Take care."

Alex made a soft sound to acknowledge Katara, though he pulled the sheet up close around him. He knew that he wouldn't need to do anything special to remind himself of Luna. Just walking around the ship would remind him of their conversations every day.

She sighed. She was going to get started on the project herself then. Luna had been someone like she'd never met before, and even when she sometime disappeared, when she came back it always made her pretty happy.

"Please come back to the Outsider's hideout when you're feeling better. We miss you."

Alex made a sort of whimpering noise that sounded almost like an affirmative, but at the same time it could have been going against the idea of going to the hideout.

He couldn't see ever feeling better, though that small part of his mind still devoted to logic was feebly attempting- and failing- to remind him that it always got easier. He would just become used to whatever state it was, and at the very least would begin to function more normally.

One last loose thread

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((It's your tag in the original thread))

Re: ((It's your tag in the original thread))

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