trans_9 | In the Big House [Open to other prisoners, but keep it all one thread if you want to hop in]

Too late, for a lot of the people here. Tim and Leela and a number of the others in here know exactly how much it hurts to submit completely to someone else's will.

To be screaming silently from the back of their own minds.

"No, it wasn't," he agrees quietly. Even with all of the hurt and the anger, the decision to help the conspirators hadn't been made lightly.

This is where Leela sits up.

"Then why were you trying so hard to do it, sweetheart? You're what, fourteen? Fifteen? And you can fight, and you've had to fight, but there was peace where you were from, wasn't there? Now's your chance to be who you want to be, so why would you choose to be someone that does that when there's other people that can do take care of things? That have so much blood on their hands, adding anymore don't make a difference?"

She shakes her head.

"Stay innocent. Stacy merciful. Stay heroic and idealistic and all those things. Universe needs more people like that, and has plenty of people to take care of things when what's necessary has to be done. You don't need to be one of them--why you trying so hard to be?"

Katara looked down. Was it so hard to understand?

"I've done that, Leela. I thoght it was okay to let an adult take the reigns. Half the time, they don't know what to do anymore than any child would. Don't think that because I'm young I can act like I don't need to make decisions an adult would. I do. I know you'd rather not have blood on my hands. The fact is, I've had it before you knew me. The blood never goes away."

Katara looked close to tears. "Because no one gets the right to not have blood on their hands. Don't you think I wish I didn't have to think about it? I don't get to be innocent. I'm just like you."

"This isn't about adults and children--this is about your soul."

There's a brief pause as Leela shakes her head.

"Honey, I've killed ninety-five people. Most of 'em on the battlefield because it was them or me and we both came to that field for one of us to die that day--six of 'em because they were just sons of bitches that needed to be ended."

And she doesn't regret it for a moment.

"You're trippin' if you think you're like me."

She does regret that Katara feels she's capable of murder.

Katara looked hard at the woman. She had compassion for her, and it made her feel...what? Depressed? Annoyed? There were a lot of complexed feelings there. But why did people keep trying to think they knew how she was feeling, that she was like them? Didn't they think she'd thought about her own predicament a hundred times, closed her eyes and still saw the decision looming in her sleep, restless knowing there was a thing in the dark, waiting for her to show weakness and then strike? Didn't they think at the end of the day, they person who thought the most about her soul was her own, that killing even just ONE thing meant she was capable of more, and she could go over the edge on day?

"You're wrong," Katara said softly, "and you know it. You didn't come to kill the Yeerk without thinking about adults and children- none of you did. As long as you live on the ship, every single one of us are equally at risk if it gets out, if someone is deranged enough to let it free. Why else would they have deliberately kept a few kids out of the way if only to avoid that fight today? And I know you count me there too, because you didn't want me there. Caring about my soul...no one cares about that more than me, Leela. I've seen the worse of the worse in my world, and I know it only takes a little push to use that power you've gained to hurt others. But there's something you should know, right now: even if I killed that thing because I felt I had to, I'd feel that death. There'd be no righteousness there, no justice in my eyes: a death is a death is a death, no matter what you did it for. But if it meant not losing one person in this ship to a controlling slug that would take away their ability to do anything, that would watch helpless while it tricked others, wouldn't you do all you could to stop it? Even now, are you happy knowing it lives, and the only reason for that is because we're only kinda sure that situation won't happen again?"

"I know you didn't come to this decision easy. I doubt many of us did. I know you think it's the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean you had to be the one to do it. Don't run into it, girl. Not when there's people like me that can do the dirty work for you, and not have it weigh on them anymore than it should. You're trying too hard to throw something away you should be holding onto--and until you do kill someone, only then are you gonna know what it is."

She adds, "And actually, I'm okay with it being alive. Obviously, if Leon was able to fool all of us, was sharp enough to pull that off, there's a good chance Security can actually keep the damn thing imprisoned."

"I had a reason for that," Katara said. "That's partly it, but there was something else too. I wanted them to know I was acting on my own, choosing not join Sam or security. I was doing it because it was entirely a personal decision, and one I had to make to remind myself what happens every time I turn my back and trust it'll work itself out in the end. Because every time I do that, someone ends up hurt. And its because I didn't consider the 'what-ifs' enough. I want to be a kid? Yeah...I do. But not if it means I sit in the dark while people get hurt. I don't do that."

Katara nodded there. "They won. But I'm scared. I'm really trying to defend what I did, and I did help you guys, but I wonder if I would have been able to do it now."

In the Big House [Open to other prisoners, but keep it all one thread if you want to hop in]

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