trans_9 | Freud would not be proud [Closed to Howard and Kais]

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Freud would not be proud [Closed to Howard and Kais]

While he'd wandered the city, Mark hadn't found his apartment or the building he worked at. In fact, he didn't find anything he recognized. But he did find a nice house that was only partly demolished. And inside was nice, comfortable furniture. No black leather couches but that was probably for the best.

Mark quickly moved a chair opposite one of the couches and took a seat. He took out his omnicomm and tried typing a few notes to himself as practice. Then he tried lying down in said couch and looked around. He could see the faded pastel colors of the wallpaper, a nice fireplace on the other side of the room. There weren't any paintings let alone upbeat posters promoting diversity, unity, or asking people to get tested for lycanthropy. Oh well, you couldn't have everything.

Mark got up, sent a message to his first patients letting them know when and where to meet him, and walked outside of the house. He took several deep breaths.

"O.K. Mark, there's no need to worry. You're on a living space ship full of people you've never met. How bad can it be?"

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Mark frowned but kept looking at Howard. "It could be." But he doubted it. "Have you asked your doctor about it?"

"No. It doesn't feel like a physical thing. I mean, it does, because it's all physical, but it wouldn't be happening whenever I get really worked up and nervous if it was just something wrong with my body, right?"

Not to mention that despite having access to Faiza, Howard's convinced that by virtue of being a medic he should be completely in charge of his own health.

"Well," Mark said slowly but cheerfully. "It sounds like you're having panic attacks and those can affect your breathing and heart rate. But if you're having pains then you may have a psychosomatic problem, where your mind is projecting pain onto your body. We'll have to get to the underlying cause to treat the symptoms."

"...Okay." If Howard sounds like he'd rather get a root canal than do that, that's because he would, but he does suppose that Mark's trained in this sort of thing and would know best. "Does just 'fear' count as an underlying issue or do you need me to get more specific?"

Although narrowing it down may be difficult, as it usually is one of several terrors du jour (running out of resources, people disappearing, killer dinosaurs, giant squid, being abandoned, and of course flesh-eating worms, because the wildlife in the FAYZ was just charming).

"I'm afraid we'll have to get more specific." Mark didn't sound that sorry about it. He sounded more like he was talking about a television show he was interested in. "It sounds like you're having panic attacks. Now, frequently these panic attacks are triggered by something. Have you noticed any thoughts or feelings you have before these attacks?"

"Panic attacks, huh? Is there anything I can do to fix them?" Howard says in a totally subtle attempt to redirect the conversation into territory he's more comfortable with.

"Only if you answer my question." Mark said gently. "I understand why you want to avoid them but until you face your own fears they will continue to control you. They may even get worse."

"My school counselor would have fallen for that."

Howard folds his arms. "I mean, I worry about all the usual stuff. This ship sends me up against dinosaurs and supervillains and all kinds of crazy things, and that just the stuff off the ship. I mean, we've got awful stuff on the ship too, and a lot of stuff people don't eve think about, like what happens if one of the air filters clogs? Or if the food chute gets blocked? I mean, theoretically we have an escape plan but maybe three people on the whole ship know what it is in case of a zombie outbreak, and since Stacy's keeping Reavers and Terminators around who's saying she's not keeping some 28 Days Later rage virus in here, and that's at least a quick death by zombification. We're pretty much screwed if something happens way deep in Stacy to mess her up, and there won't be a single thing we can do about it..."

While he rambles, his hands slip away from the trap of his folded arms to make ridiculous hand gestures.

"Hey now, zombies aren't all bad." Mark tried not to sound defensive but considering his best friend was a zombie...

"It seems to me that you have a lot of unnecessary fears. I'm sure there are plenty of air filters and from what I've seen there are enough plants and livestock here to keep us fed."

"Unnecessary?"

And that would mark the exact moment when this session started sliding downhill.

"Are you a fucking idiot?"

Mark held up his hands and spoke in a voice that was too calm and not enough understanding. "Now, now. I know it may seem that way but a lot of times people are so sick they have trouble seeing the way things really are. It takes time and effort to be able to take a step back and look at things objectively."

"I'm not sick and I'm not crazy, if that's what you're saying, and thank you very much but I can see things totally as they are, and that's that we're at the whim of a schizophrenic spaceship that wouldn't have to let some Reavers loose if she wanted to kill us sneakily! Don't talk to me like I'm too dumb to see what's really going on!"

'Also you're dumb and your polo shirt is dumb and if you have a dog it's probably dumb too, Dr. Phil' is implicit in Howard's tone of voice.

"I'm not saying you're dumb or crazy." There was an edge of anxiety in Mark's voice now that he saw things were getting out of hand. "There are dangers here. But I do think you're taking things a little out of hand."

"Yeah, I've heard that from a lot of people, and guess what, most of them are dead. I am not taking things out of hand!" Howard realizes he's gripping the arm rest of the seat so hard he's cracking the nail on his index finger. Oops. "And you may not think you're saying I'm dumb or crazy, but that's exactly what you're doing!"

His voice is starting to crack, which does not lend credence to the theory that he's totally level-headed right now.

Mark held out his hands. "Howard, take a few deep breaths and count to ten. Deep breaths like this." Mark demonstrated by taking a deep breath through his diaphragm.

Howard would like to punch Mark in that diaphragm right now, except that Howard's not the punching type. He'd probably accidentally break his thumb.

So he takes ten deep breaths, to see if it helps.

It doesn't.

"Nope, I still think you're an idiot, and if you're not scared that's why."

"I wouldn't say I'm not scared." Mark laughed nervously, glancing away from Howard. "I mean, who wouldn't be? But there's a difference between dealing with fear in a positive way and letting it take over how you act."

That remark hits home. Not like Howard wants to admit it. Especially to this tool.

"What the hell is dealing with fear in a positive way? Is that like dealing with imminent death in a lively way?"

"Those are two different things. We all need to be open and accepting of our feelings but there's a difference between doing that and letting them control you."

"What?" The vein in Howard's forehead looks like it's bursting through his skin. "Letting it control me? You think this is fun for me? You think staying up all night shaking and crying and not able to breathe is just a matter of me letting it happen? You think if I had a choice in this matter, if I got to sit down and choose the red pill that makes me calm and happy and the blue pill that makes me a paranoid, terrified basketcase, that I would choose blue?"

At some point during his rant he stood up. He can't remember when he did that.

"Why are you so stupid?!"

Mark remained seated. "I'm not saying it will be easy. But if you don't confront your fears you'll always have to deal with these panic attacks. The fact that you're here right now shows that you don't want that.

"That said, judging by your response, medication might be a good thing."

Howard's jaw drops. "You're not serious. Tell me you're not serious. Tell me you don't think I need to be drugged out of this."

Mark made a mental note to discuss how patients feel about drugs before mentioning them.

"I'm not saying you need to be- just that it's an option. Now, I understand you must be feeling angry. That's a common reaction but we have to work past that so..." He gestured to the couch. "Why don't you take a seat and we'll talk about it when you're ready."

Howard's eyes narrow. He does not want to get on that couch. God only knows if Mark's going to call him crazy now, after this small bit of information, Mark will want him getting a lobotomy or something if he knows the whole story. "And what if I say 'no way' and 'fuck you'?"

"Then I'd say you're using hostility as a defense mechanism so you can avoid dealing with your emotions." Mark said cautiously. To say this was not going well would be an understatement.

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iselldrugstothecommunity - 2012-03-21 05:12 (UTC) - Expand

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