trans_9 | Between Time and Space

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Between Time and Space

She had no idea how long it had been since that day she had come upon Sietch Tabr with her Sister Sheeana. Part of her had been worried it would be gone, although she knew that was a fairly baseless fear: the place was hidden well, much like, as Sheena would have told her, anyway Sietch built by a Fremen. It was still here, next to the building that looked like a precursor to a skyscraper: the same limestone build, the same precarious steps to reach it. This was, as Sheeana had told her, the place where the original Muad'dib had hidden, where the Fremen had taken shelter before the days of the Tyrant.

It was where she went now, to reclaim a piece of herself.

The Tarot card reading had not been her first indication. After the death of Ozai, she had thought long and hard about where she'd been not long ago: she had accepted that there were people who lent themselves to chaos, to discord, and that they signed their own death warrant when they infringed themselves on others. It had been here Sheeana had attempted to have her delve into the mysteries of the Bene Gesserit, here where she had first partaken of Spice.

One cautious step, two, and then the caution was gone once she remembered that day: the Nightmare King had had her in his grip, or at least her fears were getting the best of her then. Somehow Sheeana had picked the right time to bring her down this hallway, past the treasure hunter bodies to the chamber. There she entered the place where the water was drained, all moisture kept, and she felt herself stumble only a little. It had been Sheeana's second time coming here too, and one mistake would keep her lost.

Quickly she made her way through each trap, just as easily as Sheena had the first time, since Kaya had been itching for a chance to use her limbs again, to dart quickly around a corner or to sidestep another obstacle before coming to THE chamber, where the ancient writing had been before. She could already smell the cinnamon waft that was the remainder of the Spice, the drug the Fremen used to travel through space, to heighten their awareness, to give them the ability to see the future.

Here, Kaya remembered, she had strengthened her mind against the Nightmare King once. Now, in this familiar place where many had gathered in celebration, in orgies, in reverence to the one that would triumph over the Harkkonans in time, for a time.

Kaya, however, was not here to get misty eyed about the loss of her teacher and many like her over time. Nor had she come here to take Spice to enjoy herself. She was here, mainly, to reclaim that part of her she had bravely taken a time before, when she had traveled the stars and seen the future, seen herself. This was a journey she knew she had to take again, if she thought she would be the girl she had strove to be once before.

She took the Spice from the floor, sniffed, then took it into her mouth again, and once again, tasted bitter cinnamon.

Kaya remembered herself, and regained. She endured, and she pulled into herself. She was here a long time.

Several hours would past before she emerged from the Sietch, but those that saw he would say she looked different: she stood straighter somehow, but she looked in a trance, one induced, and her eyes were bluer than they had ever been in the time they knew her. Her hair was loose around her, her feet bare, her clothes dusty and smelling faintly sweet, What was unmistakable was the look on her face: it was silent, accepting, but with a reserved joy that only one who asked would know.

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"There is only one fool here," Kaya said, gazing at Azula, "and that's you, continuing to move at us, against us. You think I haven't guessed that? There's no purpose in it, why bother? Zuko is who is, trying to live with Mai. Sokka is finally starting to grasp his use on the ship. Aang is still recovering pieces of the memory of what happens next. But you cling desperately to hate, and you continue the path to what drove you insane in the first place."

She wiped the spit from her face. "And not even this reaches me anymore. I was hoping you would find a way, at least, to stay sane, and here you walk, alone and out of sorts. By yourself. It's sad, but I hoped you would prove them all wrong."

Kaya shook her head. "Whatever bad choices you continue making, you face them alone. Is that what you want? If that's it, I think its pretty clear who the peasant is."

Her fists were clenched so tightly her knuckles were white and her scream echoed throughout the city for blocks and blocks. Her body moved fast, so fast a normal person wouldn't have been able to follow it.

At the last minute though what would have been a strike sending flames at Kaya she stopped herself and deflected her own attack sending an explosion of flame directly down. The flames were bright orange and surrounded her swirling into a tower of flame as tall as the rooftops. The scream of fury, pain and anguish ripped through the blistering heat coming off her.

And when the fire died down, she was on the ground shaking, arms around herself digging her nails into her arms, her body wracked with sobs as embers of flame were glowing at the tips of her hair that had caught on fire. The clothing that she had been wearing was burnt away leaving only her plant suit. "shutupshutupshutupshutup." She was hissing over and over again.

There was no denying it: Kaya had been prepared for anything that Azula was going to throw at her. One of the effects of Spice was adjusting to how things like time seemed to slow down all around her, and if Azula had been ready to attack, she would have been ready. Azula was quick,k but Sheeana had not left her student unprepared.

As it would turn out though, she had nothing to fear as Azula suddenly turned a 180 and seemed to attack herself, whether by fear of repercussions or something more. Kaya was not sure what. Whats he did know, however, was that Azula was now on fire, and seemed to be suffering from a kind of psychotic episode in which she was attacking herself.

She closed her eyes, gathering the water on her hands and bending down, allowing it to flow around Azula. It started by at least healing what could have been fairly extreme pain, and then Kaya's fingers caught Azula's. To look in Kaya's eyes would have been unmistakable: it was the look of someone who knew enemy was down and refused to take advantage. But Kaya, of course, was prepared for anything when it came to Azula.

And, of course, she had not forgotten Ozai's fate, which Azula still knew nothing about.

Azula was still shaking, eyes closed tightly as the healing took place, "Shut up, you're not real, not real!"

Though Kaya couldn't see it she was plagued by the visions of those left behind.

Ty Lee laughing cheerfully.

Ozai glaring and looking dismissive and disgusted.

And her mother...looking sad.

You shouldn't be alone Azula, no one deserves to be alone.

You look funny with your hair like that!

You've failed me again.

"I tried...I really did." er body tightened up and shook as she struggled to contain her urge to sob. "I did everything right."

And you still failed. You are nothing but another disappointment.

Kaya closed her eyes. How it happened, she didn't know, but she could sense the pain in Azula's heart. Of course she was alone: she lived in flashes of memories, of the person she was brought down to this, and put on display for others. She was scorned and feared, as she wanted, because it was easier than facing the truth, that she needed help.

And could she do anything? Maybe not. But she could try. She wouldn't just leave her to suffer. She could sense that pain and frustration.

"What will you do?" she whispered, without thinking. "Is it stupid for me to hope you won't make yourself suffer anymore?"

"There's nothing left." she began to babble, "Unwanted, even Father is scared of me...mother...should have just let Mai do it. Do it quick, flick of the wrist." She brought her free hand up to her neck and scratched it where a knife would end her if it hit. "No more noise, no more shadows. No more cold."

And the she saw the water, and saw Kaya, and let out a sound that she had never, ever uttered in front of anyone. A scream of absolute fear.

She shoved hard against Kaya, "I won't freeze, never again!!!"

Kaya watched Azula, even as she screamed, hearing the words she spoke. "I'm not lifting it to harm you," she said, bringing a hand to Azula, beckoning. "But its funny, isn't it? For so long, you benders used your fire to terrorize us, to make us scared at the very idea of seeing a fire. Yet water, which can heal, which is a defense to your power, scares you. Even when I don't raise it against you."

The shove didn't hurt her. "You don't need to die. I want you to understand that. Not Mai, not anyone, wants to make you suffer. Mai wants to protect the one she loves, and you can only see her as a killer. If you loved someone that strongly and had no bending, wouldn't you do the same?"

"It is NOT FUNNY!" Azula roared panic and fury swirling about. "To be unable to move, trapped. Having to watch as your world crumbles around you! Never,nevernevernevernever." She refused to come any closer to Kaya and was clenching her fists. There was no stance, no defensive pose, just pure tight muscled terror and confusion.

"Monsters can't love, they only destroy." She finally muttered after Kaya finished. She was every inch a monster and she knew it.

Kaya sighed. "No, it isn't funny. But surely you see the irony? Have you ever entertained the thought of those who found themselves occupied by Fire Nation soldiers felt, beaten and defeated as others took the things that belonged to them? Fight is what your nation has taught ours, but you have never known yourself to be on that side, lost and confused."

She dripped the water into her pouch. "Fool yourself all you want, but you know this water does not make you fear so much as it reminds you, for the first time, what true helplessness is."

She was calming down as the water vanished and she slipped rather ungracefully onto the ground. "Stop laughing!" She spat at the voices that only she could hear.

She was clutching at her head again and seemed to noticed for the first time the hair she had burned away. "And I'd just fixed that." She mumbled.

Kaya stared at Azula, sighing. It was such a battle with Azula, and it had been in her too: more than anything, Kaya wanted to believe that Azula was not just some murderer, some killer. It was one of these times she wished Katara WAS here: at least then she might offer her own perspective.

After all, she had been the one to defeat Azula in the first place.

But it was just her. "You must know you aren't well, Azula. If you were wll, you would not injure yourself."

A dawning of realization on her face, "Not well...I wasn't feeling well." Her eyes glazing over as she thought back.

The voices had been yelling again, screaming, booming in her head.

"There were people, so many people. I couldn't let it happen again. So came out here. But they won't stop. They'll never stop. This is because I failed." She was quivering and dissolving again into the chaos of her own thought process.

"Perfect, perfect failure."

"That much is obvious," Kaya said, shaking her head. "But this is why you are falling apart as you are. Don;t realize how hard it is to manage yourself, to even be alone with yourself if the only thing you're consumed by thoughts of failure and pain?"

Even she knew how hard that could be: she had made enough mistake son the ship to know when she needed to retreat back to that place, where she could regroup and feel good about herself again.

"You will never feel anything but failure and death and pain, because it is the only place familiar to you. What would you do, I wonder, if you had to look at the things that led to the final battle in the Fire Nation capital? If you had to give faces to the people that have been caused pain by you, not just the ones that made you that way?"

Kaya was firm, but anyone would have seen it clearly: Kaya wanted Azula to at least be happy, find herself no longer suffering. They were all from the same world. Did they need to constantly fight and lie to each other, even here?

"Faces...they have faces. But it's been so long I'm not even sure if the faces are right. Is it Ty Lee's face or that girl, that stupid stupid girl who tried to kill me with the cherries?" She was staggering to her feet again leaning hard on the wall for support.

"I know what I did, do, am doing, will do, have done." She threw her head back and roared "SILENCE ALL OF YOU!" Though if that helped she didn't give any indication. "I would have done anything for my nation, for my family."

She was raving. That much Kaya knew, and where her mind went, Kaya could not follow. The very idea of delving into the psyche that was Azula was a cautious idea, one that SHOULD have been taken care of before she was released. Was this their idea of a joke, to have her walking around hearing voices? They hadn't done anything to cure her: they had simply allowed some foolish sensibility about walking free dominate their thoughts.

They hadn't even TRIED to cure her!

"And Zuko was not a part of that, because he was banished, because he was weak. And yet you remember what became of that. Zuko become firelord. Didn't you ever imagine the only way you ever truly get stronger and better is because they dealt with loss? But you lose everything in one go, and then you're brought here."

She shook her head. "Maybe...you needed to meet someone like my teacher."

She slumped against the wall panting and sweating now from apparently the strain of containing herself.

"Even if he failed and grew stronger...Father never feared Zuko." She muttered mopping her brow with the back of her hand. Her eyes narrowed at Kaya as if realizing she was still here. "I suppose you'll be telling everyone about this now...about seeing me like this." It was an accepted fact already, she felt any hope of being intimidating ever again slipping away.

Kaya stared the girl down. "There would only be one reason I would tell anyone about what I saw its because you still need help. Not in a brig, but in a way where you could finally be free of the demons that haunt you. While it might be a good idea, there are still many people that have their own demons to fight, our group included. If there would be anyone that could help you, its a neutral party."

She sighed. "What would you think of that?"

Azula gave Kaya a look, the look that said she thought that Kaya was being simple. "I've sought help, and gotten it. But it is not so quickly overcome. Obviously." She sneered full of self loathing for having to have this discussion.

"Really?" Kaya said, looking skeptical. "And who is helping you now? Who's documenting your relapses, whose making sure that your episodes are being attended to? I have to say I'm dubious of what people call psychiatry, but I'm even less impressed when they don't do what they're supposed to for their patients."

Azula sneered back at her "I've kept my appointments with the so called "Doctor" and the woman who took responsibility for me. Or did you expect me to be instantly a changed woman? All hope and joy and love those weaker and useless?" It sounded positively absurd.

Azula chortled. "Then do you call what was happening a little while ago progress? Looks pretty fail to me. You certainly don't seem to be any better for it. Besides, you being instantly changed could only happen if they took your personality out and removed it with someone else's. I wouldn't tun my nose at those 'weaker,' though: you still have a long way to go before you become as strong as you were, don't you?"

Her eyes were venomous, "I didn't attack you did I?"

The fact that she was the only one with burns was still painfully clear.

"That would considered progress." And even if what Kaya said about working to be as strong as she once was, Azula could only focus on the removing her personality part. That was almost exactly what the "Doctors" at the Fire nation facility had been want to do.

Azula had not been a very good patient for them.

"Only just barely and you know it," Kaya said. "And thought you did stop, that doesn't mean I wanted to see you hurting yourself either. AS it stands, hoping you find a way t reform yourself isn't something that puts me in the majority of what they want to happen to you."

Kaya sighed. "That would be the preferred result to fighting and killing, yes. It's what I'm hoping will help you. can you tell me that you prefer things like this, where you can;t trust anyone and your own mind is an enemy to you?"

"I am handling it." She was lied not even bothering to make it convincing, "And if you expect me to put my trust in any of you from my world to "help" me, you're more crazy then me."

"Now if you're going to lie that, we might as well not be having this conversation at all," Kaya said, sighing. "And in case you haven't forgotten, none of us have any reason whatsoever to trust you even a little. Between burning Zuko, attacking Mai and Aang and I, and the latest incident, why would we ever trust you?"

Between Time and Space

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