trans_9 | The more things change...

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The more things change...

Zouichi had taken a few wounds during the mission, but nothing that he would deem serious enough to require medical treatment. He'd already begun to heal, and he estimated that by the time tomorrow rolled around, he'd once again be at full strength. This was not, of course, true of everyone who had fought on that moon -- those who had lost their lives, for instance.

But for him, intense combat was the norm. There was no sense dwelling on loss of life or regretting the past, and there were no nightmares about the dead or dying. There was only the future, and the battles to be found there.

So it was back to business as usual: maintenance on the HDC, clearing stray leaves off the front steps and caring for the flowers... and teaching his pet parrot some commands. Today, however, Alan seemed more intent on rolling onto his back and demanding to be picked up. So Zouichi settled back in the shade of a nearby tree instead, playing with the bird and occasionally wondering where he'd picked up all these new phrases that sounded suspiciously like Lash.

Maybe if Howard showed up, they could look for odds and ends in the City.

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"I'd definitely put some cash toward that cause. Let's hope the next planet we stop by has got a good stock."

And then as to return the question. "You're okay, too, after all that, right?"

Zouichi smiled. "It's a deal, then. Any special requests?"

He shrugged a little at Jr.'s question. "You know me; I heal very quickly. And it's not like I sustained any major injury in that last battle. Actually, I found the battle... sort of refreshing."

"I'll get back to you about that." After all, he had to think about the stuff he'd had back home. The semi-really-good stuff in his and Gaignun's residence on the Foundation, the little restaurants and bars and other places in the city proper, there was that awesome place straight out of Moby Dick that he and chaos had discovered that was appropriately named Moby Dick's. Too much food, and sadly probably too little a chance to be able to indulge on them all. That's why we've got to finish this up, then I can go home and make up for it.

Jr. blinked at that response, cocking his head. "Refreshing?"

He tilted his head a little at Jr.; was it really that hard to choose?

Then he nodded. "Like I said, I was designed for combat. And I'm more used to fighting than free time. Simulations are all right for practice, but on some level, you always know they're not real."

Designed for combat...

Zouichi sure was pretty nonchalant about admitting it. Jr.'s right hand was resting on the ground beside him, and his fingers curled up into a fist over the red 666 tattooed on the palm in a unconscious response to his words. Jr. was designed for combat, too, and much like Zouichi admitted, he was used to doing it. He enjoyed it. But he hated it at the same time. It was a tear between what he was and what he couldn't escape, and what he wanted to be besides that.

While those thoughts ran through his mind, however, Jr. smiled back at Zouichi. "Yeah. It's more like being in a movie where you know it's not the real deal. Though ... that's not so bad, sometimes! 'Cause you can think up some pretty cool things in the Sensoriums to spice things up a little."

He nodded. "Which I've been trying to do lately. Still, it's not quite the real thing..." How could he explain the grim, sometimes even intoxicating satisfaction of doing his job, and doing it well? Human tended to get uncomfortable when he drew attention to their differences, rather than their similarities.

Zouichi noticed Jr.'s gesture, and after a moment, decided to speak up. "Jr., are you unhappy with who you are? I know that you said your father created you as a sort of bid for power."

And Jr. was about to keep that first conversation moving by suggesting some totally awesome scenarios they could create and fight out in the Sensoriums together. Instead, he clenched his right fist a little tighter, and he remembered how much he hated their trip to Galilee in that moment. Not only for how they they treated him, as well as his friends and everyone else who didn't deserve to be marked as tools, but because that entire experience basically revealed what he was to the rest of the crew. Something Jr. was never too keen to speak up about, and would have preferred not to for as long as he could. Sure, everyone sympathized, and sure he knew he wasn't alone in being what he was, but he had gotten that already from those that he knew from home. It helped where it mattered, but in other places it didn't help at all.

Jr. liked Zouichi. And from the experiences that they shared together, he was one of the few people on the ship that he could say he trusted, too. He wondered what Zouichi himself felt about what he was, now that the question hung there above them. Being forced to do what you were created to do, against what your will wished to do ... that had been Canaan's plight. "I truly want another reason to exist." But Zouichi seemed, from what it sounded like to Jr., to be fighting for something not-so-bad. Maybe that was why he found it easier to do what he was created to do? He wondered what sort of life was in store for the Realian-like creation if they all returned home and he finished his mission. But for all Jr. knew, Zouichi's creators could have just promised him one thing and meant something else entirely, just like his own father.

He mulled over the question for a couple of moments, expression hardening as he quickly dropped the childish smile. "I'm not completely unhappy with who I am," he finally answered. Short and roundabout, but hey, Zouichi did say who.

"But you're unhappy with what you are?" Yep, Zouichi had caught that emphasis ~~you're not getting away that easily Jr~~

"People often suggest to me that I should be unhappy with what I am, or what I was created to do. And to tell you the truth, it is a little unsettling. If it weren't for all those people willing to do anything and hurt anyone in hopes of achieving immortality, the N5S virus would have never been born. And I would never have been created to combat it. I also thought it was incredibly unfair to take a handful of artificially-created individuals, train them to kill, and ask them to solve all the problems humanity had created for itself. It was presented to us as a choice, but I'm sure you can guess how a creation that rejected their creator's orders would have been treated."

Zouichi looked back up at the false sky of the City. "But there's no changing what you are. I thought it was better to accept it."

"Of course I can guess." He'd heard the words so many times since then. Failure. Incomplete. It wasn't as if Jr. really cared what his father thought about him, but it wasn't simply a case of being treated or seen differently for rejecting what he was created to be. It was what Jr.'s rejection caused, failing his comrades and brother - one of the most important people to him. But if he hadn't rejected it ... they'd all have died anyway.

He leaned back against the tree. "It'd be easier to accept if your will actually agreed with it. But those are two different things entirely. And it's worse when you can't get rid of what goes against your will, no matter how hard you try. Like being born with something that can hurt your friends if you can't control it, when all you want to you do it protect them." He thought of Gaignun, and Canaan again, as well. Jr. could at least escape from actively doing what he spoke of every waking moment. But it was still a struggle within.

If Zouichi had refused to comply with his orders, he was pretty sure he wouldn't have been dismissed as a failure; he would have been terminated outright. Synthetic Humans like himself were far too dangerous and far too costly to be allowed to act as they pleased.

Zouichi thought back to that flash of red light he'd seen on the planet. "Maybe. But everyone is capable of hurting the people they care about. In your case, at least, it seems that you can control it."

He frowned a little. "From what you've told me, you've accomplished quite a bit, made a lot of friends. With that in mind... why care about what you were created for?" Jr. was human, after all. He had all sorts of possibilities ahead of him... didn't he?

That had been where Jr.'s luck kicked in. He remembered his sister's nonchalance about U.R.T.V.s that had died, and he was sure his father would have done things differently if he knew the mission would be abandoned moments before its completion. Of course, he wasn't alive for it then, anyway - something else he would have stamped out if he knew that Gaignun was going to pull a gun on him. Of course, he always did have backup plans for that sort of thing, so Jr. wondered if he cared in the long run that a wrench had been thrown into his plans, he just went information hunting for what he had missed when he returned, anyway. It had been simple luck that they had survived through the war, but even that luck was drenched in blood and guilt.

He thought about Zouichi's words. Familiar words, all words he told himself over and over again. They definitely weren't unfamiliar, but sometimes he wondered if they were just there to keep him going, to be a cushion at his back for when he'd stumble and fall in his long trek to keep moving forward. He shook his head slightly, a smile on his face, but it wasn't the usual one he flashed to everyone. It was self-loathing, in a way. He hated to even acknowledge that the power was there, even when it was always ever-present. "I can only subdue it until it shows itself. And then I can't really control it much at all."

He knew it was just his mind focusing too much on it, but he could almost feel the imprint on his hand tingle, as if it knew what they were talking about. "I don't care," he admitted. "I never wanted to go to war, I always wanted to see more than the place I was born and raised in." Especially after meeting Sakura, after gaining a reason to really live. "That's why we moved forward after the war - me and Gaignun. But no matter how far I go or how much I try to pretend it isn't there, it's always there like a shadow, the longing in my blood to fight, to do what I was made to do."

Zouichi frowned a little. "I guess there's no way you could learn to control it over time?" He didn't really have any powers like that, though he had lost control once. Just once, but it had been enough.

"That longing is always there," he admitted. "It's... difficult. Especially on this ship, where there's rarely any fighting. At the beginning of my time on the ship, it was even worse. The Sensoriums helped, somewhat, but I'm not sure I'd ever be able to live somewhere where there wasn't any conflict."

And what did that make him?

"There's a kind of peace on the battlefield, if that makes sense. No need to pretend you're something you're not..."

"Over time?" Jr. let out a dry scoff. "It's been almost three decades, and nothing's changed about it." Of course, his power wasn't that much trouble when he was a child. That was because he didn't get angry, but that was because he wasn't exposed to anything that would get him angry. "All I can do is try my best to keep it down and not get to the point where I'd lose it."

He looked down to his clenched hand on the ground beside him. "Have you been fighting since the first day you were born?" Jr. didn't know why, exactly he decided to ask that question out of the ones floating around in his head. He figured he wanted to know if Zouichi had the urge to fight because it was programmed into him, or if he was simply just never used to anything else.

He couldn't help but frown after that. Pretend you're something you're not. "It's not easy just going into battle and saying 'okay, no need to bother trying to hide anything'. That's not what my will wants. And I don't want that part of me to be what defines me."

Whoa, Jr. was an old man. Not that Zouichi wasn't fairly old, by certain measures. "And there's no one here that could help you control it, either?" Unfortunate.

Zouichi shook his head. "I was raised from childhood like any human, albeit in a simulated environment. I wasn't told exactly what I was or what I was supposed to be doing until I was older. And actual combat was something I didn't experience until I was released. From that point on, however, it was almost all I did."

He shrugged. "Maybe. Where I'm from, everyone was familiar with what I was and what I could do." It wasn't possible to remain anonymous and still obtain the kind of security clearance Zouichi had required for navigating cities under lockdown. All of them had been registered and none of them had been allowed to keep their identities a secret. "So I never really saw any point in trying to hide it, even when I came here. I'm not ashamed of what I am."

He gave a lazy shrug. "I don't think so. But I don't think it's something that really can be controlled, no matter how hard you try." That's what it felt like to him, at any rate. The most he could 'control' it was literally his will trying its hardest to take control again, and that was hardly control of the power.

The way Zouichi spoke was both familiar but different from what he had experienced with Citrine. His sister had felt the same way about herself, too - accepting of what she was, seeing herself as nothing more than a weapon and a tool, willing to do what she had been created for without hesitation and letting her life and her fate be controlled by somebody else. It was ironic that pity was a word that presented itself often, when he thought about it, and Citrine had said that she pitied him in the end.

"So you used to live without the fighting all the time. Is it that hard to go back to it? Or is it something that you were made to want, too?" Zouichi mentioned being made to fix humanity's mistakes, to save those who weren't affected by the virus that existed in his world. Jr. mulled over words for a moment. "What did they think about you?"

Zouichi didn't consider himself a weapon and a weapon only -- but he did accept it as a large part of who and what he was.

"Hard to go back to fighting? No. Rather, it's hard to go back to long periods of doing nothing. I have a mission to complete, but it often seems like I'm no closer to completing it than I was when I first woke up here. It's... frustrating, to say the least." But there was something else, too, a reason Zouichi was reluctant to talk about with anyone: spending so much time among the humans on the ship was changing him -- had already changed him, in ways that were both better and worse. And that had its own dangers...

"No one made me like fighting, not exactly. No one can really make a person like anything. But I was designed with a personality bias for calm under pressure, mental resilience, that sort of thing. I'm sure you're familiar with the concept." He motioned vaguely with one hand. "As for what people thought of me? It depended. There are all kinds of humans in the world. Some of them treated me like a tool, or a monster. Some of them decided I should have been protected from being created by an unscrupulous research corporation that was obviously out to take advantage of me. Some thought I should be treated like a human."

And one of them had decided that Zouichi should be treated not as a 'human', but as a person. It had seemed puzzling, maybe even amusing at the time. But that had been a long time ago.

Edited 2011-09-02 02:51 (UTC)

"Hmm. Yeah. I know what you mean about that. Not only the job we've got to do here, but you were still taking care of yours before that, right? So it'll basically be finish one job and go right back to the one you were doing. We were in the middle of a bunch of things, too..."

It was a frustrating thought. "I think we're getting closer, though. Even if it's just little by little. And it might take a while ... but if there really is a way to restore things at the end of everything, then it'll be worth the wait."

Jr. nodded as he spoke. Personality biases were common things for Realians. But that aside, they were also capable of self-advancing their personality through experience. Even KOS-MOS had started out like that, and Jr. noticed that even the battle android had changed some over time. Jr. cringed inwardly at the word monster. He didn't like other terms much better - tool, weapon, product. But monster never sat well with him because of what he was capable of, it was always as if the people using that word could see right through him.

But now it was Jr.'s turn to ask a few questions. "And what do you think?"

Such a deep question for so few words, but he made sure to emphasize on expecting to hear a little more than 'oh I don't care'. Or whatever short generic answer anyone could give to it.

"Right; to us, some amount of time has passed between the point in which we were taken from our world and the point at which we may supposedly return. But to everyone not here, I suppose it will have been as if we were never gone at all. In theory." For Zouichi, this wasn't really a problem; whether it took them five years to get back, or five hundred, he'd look no different upon returning. But the same wasn't necessarily true of everyone else.

"And I agree, but that's also a pretty big 'if'." And this was coming from someone who lived in a universe with crazy space ovules that made planets out of zombie meat.

"I think it doesn't matter what I am, in the end. I have a job I have to do, and I'll do it." Sorry, Jr. Zouichi purposefully avoids thinking about whether he's a person or not. He doesn't even think about it when he's all alone at night with nothing to do.

Yeah ... if. Jr. himself hoped that if would end up with a yes. That, or maybe everyone he knew could wind up having been sleeping in the pods below the whole time. Both pretty big things to hang on to, but both being all he had to hold on to. Neither of which were as big as he'd have liked them to be, considering the things that had happened just prior to waking up on board Stacy. A rinse and repeat of some calm, crazy shit happening, and people dying in the attempt to stop it all over again.

"You couldn't have liked being called a tool or a monster, though, right?" A pause. "Would you keep doing your job, if it turned out to be something else entirely?"

"I had a hard time taking the 'monster' thing seriously," said Zouichi. "I am what I was created to be: a product of years of scientific research. There's nothing particularly monstrous about that. It might have been different had I been raised in a less isolated environment, but I mostly only had contact with others like me... and the R&D division. I'm fairly sure anyone who was that superstitious would never been allowed to work on the project in the first place."

He raised an eyebrow. "What kind of something else are we talking about?"

Edited 2011-09-02 18:17 (UTC)

"Still... I mean things like. You know," a dismissive wave of the hand because seriously, screw that experience, "Galilee."

"I mean things like lies. 'Here's your mission, do your mission' turning into 'oh that wasn't your actual mission and now you're expected to do this other thing that's totally different from what you were told you'd be doing'. You were made to help humanity fix their mistakes, right? What if you found out the people who made you were really aiming to destroy them, or something?"

Zouichi outright scowled at the mention of Galilee. "Ah, yes. Using clones to fuel their own lives of luxury. They were the real monsters. How many countless lives were lost or cut short because those in power didn't want to bother considering an arbitrary group of people 'human beings'?"

BURN IT. BURN IT DOWN.

"...if they were really out to destroy humanity, rather than save it? I suppose I'd have to stop them." Zouichi's tone suggested that 'stop them' didn't exactly mean 'peacefully attempt to persuade them to change their minds'. It probably meant something like 'storm all the facilities, kill everyone involved'. It would be a betrayal of the highest order, a betrayal of the person who had been the single greatest influence on his character.

"As far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't owe them a thing."

That kind of response was answer enough for Jr.'s question. ... aside from things like the bird that the held and the girl he had told Jr. about that were sort of telling enough themselves. He still had to meet her, he thought idly.

"Heh," he smiled, "sounds like something I'd definitely agree to."

Zouichi nodded. "Anyway, what were those Sensorium ideas you were thinking about?"

Because that was totally relevant right now.

"Oh, well..." It was a somewhat awkward transition back into the casual conversation, but Jr. was good at rolling with things. He had quickly forgotten what it was he even thought about. "I just meant like the kind of things you see in the movies..."

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