Gift of the Magi (Except with way less situational irony) [closed]

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

Hiccup had something bundled and strapped to his back as he made his way through the hallways. He was sneaking, because that something was a present, and he didn't want its intended recipient to know it even existed before it was finished. Fortunately, she didn't tend to hang around Special Weapons that much, if at all.

"Hello?" he ventured quietly as he made his way into the room. "Thanks ahead of time, by the way. The deadlier I can make this thing the better."

Comments

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

The words were sincere, not the polite, forced-smile downplaying of a social faux pas, the way most people responded to someone saying something untoward. Hiccup's attitude toward his past was unusual, and Jamie spent a moment or two contemplating it.

"That's a philosophical way of looking at it," he conceded. "Most people aren't as...accepting of the bad parts of their lives." Certainly not Jamie, whose method of dealing with traumatic events was to hide them from view and try to forget they'd ever happened.

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"I'm a Viking. There was illness, famine, there used to be dragon attacks, there were storms at sea, accidents, attacks from rival tribes (though there hadn't been any in recent years). The world was a dangerous place. Bad things happened to people. My mom, for instance, she was lost at sea when I was a baby. We figured it was either a storm or dragons--never really found out which, and it didn't matter. Occupational hazard. It happened."

His mouth pressed in a thin line and then released, as he tried to figure out how to word his thoughts.

"We're very much a live-in-the-moment kind of people, but as far as the past goes, it makes you who you are in that moment. Getting past the bad parts means you're strong. And generally, it was better to look at things as making you stronger than looking at everything like you were a victim at the mercy of the Norns."

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

Listening to this laundry-list of horrors Hiccup had grown up with reminded Jamie, once again, of how soft and sheltered his own upbringing had been,
and he fell silent for a moment, thinking. Finally he bobbed his head in a cautious nod.

"Makes sense. I've known a few people who had...wul. Less than stellar lives when they were younger. They weren't all as zen as you are about what they went through, but they've got that...resiliency. They bounce back from things pretty fast, deal with stuff better than people who grew up in...easier surroundings." At least this was Jamie's experience, comparing his own negligible coping abilities to those of the people he'd met back on the island who'd grown up in such disparate, and often desperate, environments. He shrugged. "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that, I guess."

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"Right. So don't worry about tripping over anything asking questions. If I'm bothered or don't want to talk about something, I'll let you know."

Nicely, too.

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

"That must be a thing with you guys. You and the people I met before I wound up here, I mean. They let you know when you're asking too much." The corner of his mouth crooked up. "Pretty bluntly, sometimes, but at least you always knew where you stood with them." Again, wildly different from Jamie's way of doing things, which depended on passive-aggression, distraction and redirection.

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"But it's not a thing with you?" Hiccup asked, sharp as ever.

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

Jamie looked askance at Hiccup and, having ceased his sorting for the last couple of minutes, promptly resumed it. "I'll let you know when I don't wanna talk about something, if that's what you're asking."

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"Mostly, I'm just wondering if you really think you're not obvious with all the subject-changing and asking questions and never talking about yourself."

Just a few things he'd...observed.

"It's like you want to be friends but are afraid to let the other person know anything at all about yourself. And just like you worry about prying too far, it seems like you're afraid other people will do the same to you."

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

He couldn't quite hide the irritated frown this time, though he managed to avoid letting it seep through into his voice. Instead, he chuckled humorlessly, never ceasing his parts-sorting. "You know we've already got a psychiatrist conducting mandatory exams here, right?"

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"I'm not saying that I want to pry and know all your deepest private thoughts. It's not my business and I don't really want to know. I have my own private thoughts and problems to think about and deal with."

He went on, "But you don't have to hide yourself away when talking to people. There's a way that people can be out, talking to other people, and still hiding. You tend to do that. And I'm just letting you know you don't have to."

You don't have to spill your guts, Jamie, but...

"You can let your guard down a little."

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, well, I will when I have an actual reason to." Jamie didn't look up from his chore, to which he was tending with a little more vehemence than was strictly necessary. "Until then there's no point bothering other people with pointless complaining."

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

Hiccup went quiet at that, because it was tantamount to saying he wasn't a reason to.

"Look, I'm just--I'm actually trying to make friends here. What I've seen of you as a person so far? Makes me want to try. But you're not exactly making it easy for me to even get to know you."

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

Jamie sighed very quietly, feeling frustrated and annoyed, with himself as much as with Hiccup. "Look. I don't mind having your back, or talking with you, or any of that. You're a nice guy. But as for me? - like I said, there's not a whole lot worth getting to know. That's all."

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

That sounded almost painfully familiar.

"Why won't you let me be the judge of that?"

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

Because it was too humiliating to let people think he actually had some redeeming features and then discover what a flawed, awful person he really was.

He turned away, shelving another bin of parts. "Why's it so important to you?"

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"Because people are important."

He thought about it.

"Because I was the kind of person other people didn't care about knowing. And it got to where I almost started to think I wasn't worth knowing. Eventually, I just stopped trying."

He'd stopped trying to make friends with them. Resorted to the sarcasm as a defensive thing.

Telling the other kids about his inventions, talking about his ideas, opening himself up, it'd always led to ridicule and rejection in the end. He'd dealt with it a different way than Jamie was dealing with his feelings, trying to prove himself to the world, but the feeling of being flawed and awful had driven it.

"So I know sometimes the ones that hide themselves away--sometimes they might be worth knowing. Sometimes it's worth digging a little. I'm not asking you to--to spill your guts to me or anything. But you have to know a little bit about a person to become friends with them."

He shrugged.

"Isn't wanting to be nice to someone and make a friend a good enough reason for something to be important?"

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

Some of that sounded suspiciously like what Samson had used on him, and he bristled a little, pretending to survey the bins on the shelf and pick out the next one to work on, but when he turned back to the table with his newest distraction he looked as impassive as ever.

"Well, so you know a little bit about me. You know enough that you think I'm worth talking to." He shrugged one shoulder and glanced at Hiccup, as though to say, "isn't that enough?"

"And I'm not hiding. I just don't have a lot to say."

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"I guess, but it's hard to be friendly with someone when I feel like I'm not even allowed to ask questions about them."

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

Jamie mulled that over for a bit, fussing over the parts in the bin. "You can ask," he responded finally. "You just might not like the answers."

Whether that meant Hiccup was going to find out what a terrible human being Jamie really was, or Jamie was simply going to refuse to divulge anything, was a mystery.

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"Why so secretive?"

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

"Same reason anybody's secretive. There's things I don't like talking about."

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"Why do you assume everyone wants to dig deep and find out what those things are when they just want want to know what you think about certain things?"

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

"Because people never seem satisfied with what I tell them," Jamie said, his look flattening a little. "Asking what I think always turns into asking what I feel and when I say I don't want to talk about it, they get pushy."

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"Thinking and feeling are kind of closely tied together, but they don't have to be."

He went on, "Like if I asked what you thought of the Command Crew, maybe I'd just want your opinion on it."

Because maybe he'd be interested in it.

[riseupnchargem.livejournal.com]

Jamie shrugged, a little peevishly, and decided to refrain from mentioning that that hadn't been the kind of thing Hiccup had been asking about earlier, since he didn't want to give the other boy any excuse to revisit his previous inquiries.

"If you're actually asking, then I think Command is probably doing the best it can with what it's got." Namely a faulty ship and a dysfunctional crew.