trans_9 | The honest truth [closed to Ronnae]

Ronnae was in the middle of working on her project, the knock however got her attention and he set her tools aside. Taking off her goggles and placing them on the rack, she stepped out of the room she used as her and Billy's workshop to answer the door.

She was actually surprised it had been Billy as she looked at him curiously with a small smile, "Forgot your keys hun?" She teased in her usual sweet voice.

"No, I just wanted to give you the chance to turn me away if I was interrupting something," Billy answered, smiling lightly at her. She might've noticed, if she got close enough, that he now smelled like cotton candy.

"Let's settle down, hon. Is there anywhere you'd prefer to talk?"

She frowned a bit, looking at him concerned. "I wouldn't turn you away even if I was love. You know that... b-but yeah, I guess we did have that talk huh?" she said in a small timid voice. It was clear however that she was both nervous and scared now... what was he about to tell her? Did he... did he get tired of her?

"H-.... a-anywhere you'd like is fine B-Billy... Wherever you feel the most comfortable."

Nothing of the sort. With his gestures, the way he leaned over to take her hand and guide her to one of their fluffiest and biggest couches, he hoped to make it clear that he was certainly not tired of her.

"I've been thinking, Ronnie," Billy started, "and it's occurred to me that I haven't been forthcoming with details about myself. I'm not secretly a demon overlord or an evil genius, but...maybe it's time you know more about my life."

He'd keep the focus on himself for now, avoiding directly encouraging her to talk. He wanted to go slowly, not risking a scare.

She followed, as she always would have and took a seat next to him, still holding his hand.

More about his life? It was true that she had always been curious about his world and the things he was involved with... but he didn't have to scare her to tell her just that... or was there more?

"You know I love hearing about your world and your life hun. I'd be glad to do so again and any time you'd like to talk." she added with a smile.

Billy slipped his fingers around hers, taking a deep steadying breath. His backpack was at his feet, the evidence he needed all there.

"I thought I'd start back in Angel Grove, where I came from. You already know that I was an awkward teenager living a mundane life before the war with Zedd started, but I think there was some confusion about my...er, development in the romantic department," Billy blushed. He hadn't missed that Ronnae had taken off as soon as Kimberly and 'hadn't wanted to date' were mentioned in the same sentence.

First stop in his past: the awkward!

Ronnae nodded, getting a bit more comfortable by leaning against him and cuddling. She really needed to calm her nerves... there was nothing wrong right?

"I remember you tell me about that, but what about your romantic department?"

No, not at all. Billy just felt like cuddling up, owning up, and clarifying a few things. He slung an arm around her, comforted by this.

"The first women I noticed were Kimberly and Trini, the Pink and Yellow Rangers I served with back home. Before we were even teammates, they were kind to me, and both very beautiful in their own way---I just wasn't quite competent and mature enough to recognize my feelings for what they were. If I had to classify them now, they'd be crushes, particularly on Trini."

But he'd still been figuring himself out. He thought back on all the women he'd met. "Things proceeded that way for a little while. I started to learn to recognize when women were interested in me, and I did attend a dance with someone once, but until I met you I never got any further than that. You might've noticed that I still had trouble recognizing our feelings," he laughed. "It took outside intervention for me to acknowledge that we were attracted to each other, remember?"

Now how to bring this up gently? He thought on it, squeezing her just a little tighter. "The point, if there is one, is that I apologize if I've been awkward with you. Even with as close as we've become, far closer than I've ever been or wanted to be with anyone, I still trip over myself, and it seems I make you uncomfortable with that sometimes. I'm sorry, love."

Ronnae smiled, wondering how her school life would have been if... if she was normal. Would it have been like his? Would it have gone better? Maybe she wouldn't have joined the wars?

When he finished she nuzzled up to him, comfortingly, for both him and her.

"It's.... it's less that I'm uncomfortable and more that I sometimes don't know what you're thinking and then doubts rise in my mind... they don't come up cause of you love... it's.... it's me... it always has been... and it's something I've been trying to change about myself."

"Well...hey," he whispered into her hair, tucking himself around her. The cotton candy would definitely be detectable now. "Why don't you just ask me what I'm thinking about? I can tell you better than your guesses can, don't you think?"

"I know... it's just... I get nervous and scared and.... I.... I'm so afraid of losing you that I kill myself thinking about everything that can go wrong and I lose sight of what I do have...." She was rambling now, which was possibly what was in tended in the first place, or not.

She genuinely seemed scared, and her eyes were starting to gloss up.

"Ronnie, I'm here," Billy breathed into her ear, holding her close. "You don't need to fear losing me. We're lifemates for a reason, remember? I agreed to stay with you through thick and thin, and I want nothing more than to help you. As long as it takes to do it, I'll wait," he promised, rocking her back and forth.

"Hey...would it help if I showed you something I was scared of?"

"I... y-you don't have to. I'd rather you not re-tell something that will make you uncomfortable for my sake. I... It's jus' really hard for me to believe I have you... That it's jus' some wonderful dream that I don't want to wake from... And I know it sounds selfish but I wish it could always be like this. Together. But I know it can't be, and I'm fine with that..."

She choked back a sob, "I've been living with these nightmares long enough... I've had to deal with them all my life.... I could do it then... I can do it now... with you by my side... and as long as you care for the treasure I gave you."

Billy held her tighter than ever. He needed to keep a tight rein on his own emotions, but she was veering far too close to the truth. In fact...their same truth, now that he thought about it. Maybe he just had a little more hope to cling to than she did.

"How do you know I'm not having the same nightmares?" he asked, looking at her seriously. If she looked closely, the truth there would be obvious.

"I... I don't know... I... I hope you don't... I... I'd hate for anyone to have the same nightmares..." That... hit a level of fear Ronnae had wanted to avoid for a long time. Her face turned deathly pale. What if it had seeped into Billy's mind? What if she plagued him with the horrors of her nightmares? Is that what he was here to say?

... Was she at fault for his nightmares?

That wasn't where Billy was going at all, no...his stemmed from his own mind. He kept a steady rub of her hand up with his thumb, trying to think of how best to describe this.

"I've developed a fear of the pain of loss from my own experiences here...similar to yours developing from your own, I'd guess. It started before you arrived, when I lost someone who was very important to me," Billy finally admitted, revealing the subject of his nightmares. He fished out a small plushie from the bag, representing a blue critter Ronnie would have heard of before.

"I think I've told you a little about Renne before. He and I...were beyond brothers, we had a stronger platonic bond than I ever thought it was possible to have."

Ronnae paused and looked at the plushie, eying it curiously for a few moments and nodded. She had heard of him before, from both Billy and Kaya. It had seemed he was a very important person in their lives...

"More that brothers? Lovers maybe?" She asked curiously.

"No, definitely not," Billy looked quite horrified by that idea, actually. "Renne was completely devoid of any sexuality whatsoever, just as a Bond is. He simply existed, acted, and learned...and in that process, taught me so much about how to be a loving friend," he replied. "I was the first human who'd earned his trust in a long time. He had a tendency to fuss over his friends like a hen, fight with everything he had for them, and make himself heard."

Billy looked at the plushie wistfully, stroking its yellow hair. "We established a Bond, which is...like a pure family understanding---all the deep love of a family with the benefit of the bondeds being of your own choosing, like friends. In that, I felt safe and loved, and we later invited Kaya to join us."

He knew he wasn't explaining things very well, but there was just so much to cover here. He'd chip steadily at it.

Ronnae nodded, still a bit confused as she quirked a brow and tilted her head slightly as she listened. "That seems, like a nice ability. I bet it definitely helped in this environment.... I wonder how it works." she said finally, still always the researcher.

Billy began to explain what it all meant. "The primary effect was that we were, in essence, completely open to each other as friends. We could transmit thoughts to each other and read each other's thoughts if we weren't careful to shield them."

He continued. "We also each knew what the others were feeling most of the time, and we could see into each other's soulscapes if we concentrated and allowed the others inside. It was beautiful, but also a very painful thing to lose should that Bond ever be severed," Billy pointed out, a dark tone to his voice.

And that was where the nightmares came in.

She tilted her head. "Wouldn't that be dangerous? I mean, if one of you ever turned, or worse, mind controlled... It'd be damaging to you all would it not?"

Pausing for a moment she looked down in thought. "But you have lost one of the bonds haven't you? Are... are you alright about it?"

"We learned how to shield our minds from each other," Billy answered, "and the transference of mind control isn't that simple. They would've been safe."

He waited a minute before continuing.

"I know, because I've been mind controlled while a bond was active. It hurt Renne a lot, but it was also the reason he was able to rescue me. He reminded my true self to come out more than anyone else did."

Ronnae let out a little sigh of relief. "I'm glad you all pulled through... mind control is a very powerful weapon..." She'd know... she had been tormented enough by it.

"I... I'm sorry.... I really shouldn't be bringing up all these bad memories."

"I'm glad we did too. They taught me a lot about staying focused and trusting in myself, and that's why it hurt so much."

It had been a very long time since Billy had allowed himself to talk to anyone about losing Renne. Only Kaya had known any extensive detail. He'd just assumed the rest of the ship wouldn't care, driving him to lock this away and never answer up to it.

"Don't be, Ronnie...I needed to get this off my chest, to show you that you're not alone out here. When I get just a little too confident, I still have nightmares about what I felt then. When him, then Kaya a short while later, were ripped away from me."

The unspoken fear that Ronnae would be next weighted heavily on his mind. "It's the coldest, most painful feeling I've ever experienced. I can feel my heart tearing apart on those nights, every bit of hope and confidence slipping away. The whole ordeal almost made me stop opening up to people at all."

And then Ronnie had gone and ruined all that, he thought. Not in a bad way, but the image of what almost was burned brightly in his mind. He could see himself isolated from it all, coldly making the next calculation and never allowing a friendly touch.

Ronnae pulled up her knees to her chest, hugging them to her as she relaxed back unto Billy's embrace. The things he mentioned felt close to the beginning of drowning in the grasp of the Old Gods... She wondered then if the 'Bond' was a double edged blade. Surely they knew not everyone is eternal. They'd have to go through that pain and suffering eventually... Was the cost worth it she wondered.

"Back during the Northrend war..." she started, not knowing why, or when she decided to speak as her gaze glossed over. "We had discovered the remaining structure of one of the Titan's holdings... The Titans were the beings that shaped Azeroth, so the interest in discovering all that lay within was too big to let pass... Of course, nothing is as simple as you'd imagine, the place was crawling with the machinations of the Titans themselves... but they had been corrupted by one of the Old Gods... beings of pure chaos that ruled from the shadows. They... they get into your mind... they twist your memories and corrupt your heart... They tear at your soul for as long as they desire. Time means nothing to them for in their realm, they make the rules..."

Ronnae could feel the tears streaming down her face, but the urge to get it out edged her forward. "I was one of the victims that disappeared from the expedition... And why not? I was a nobody, a half breed trash that had such a weak mind that not grabbing me would have been a waste." The same weak mind she possessed today she thought... How was she supposed to protect others against beings that could easily take over her body as many others before had?

"It... it held me for.... I.. I don't even know how long... to me it felt like decades... to my rescuers it had been months... It had enough to feed of course... all my dark secrets.. my insecurities... the things I had done and the things I l-.... l-..." she choked for a moment and it took a while for her to regain herself before continuing. "The thing I let be done to me... I was it's puppet, for pleasure and amusement... a deadly one at that... I ... I k-killed my own troops... friends and comrades at the beckon of my twisted master and... I enjoyed every second of it... I could hear the things they said about me echoing through my mind as my axes were guided through their bodies... Once he was defeated I finally regained myself and yet... I still felt no remorse... no pity for what I had done... I felt as if I was meant to be used... I've always been meant to be used."

She didn't want to look back now... she had never spoken of this to anyone... Only those that had been part of that expedition and war knew of that part, and even still they didn't know all of it.

The grip she had on her knees grew so strong that she could feel the burning pain of her muscles and bones straining against it. She could feel the warm sliver of blood running down her mouth from biting down on her tongue to keep herself from crying. She didn't deserve to be crying, she had been the monster in that story...

"Y-you shouldn't have d-dated me.... I don't deserve it... More than anything I don't d-deserve someone as amazing as you... I don't deserve to be loved... why would I? I'm nothing, no, I'm a half breed, impure whore... worst yet, I'm a monster."

She wanted to run. She wanted to run and never come back, it'd be best for everyone else... For Billy... Run into the deepest levels of Stacy and maybe she'd be lost in oblivion...

But she couldn't... "I still feel him inside me you know... His influence... his essence... Specially when I'm in the heat of combat, or amidst despair... That's why I can't get rid of Shadowmourne either... Those souls in there... they might have been caused by me... I might have been the one that ended their lives in the first place... It's a burden I must carry... so both Yogg... and Shadowmourne are as much a part of me as the girl... thing you hold right now Billy..."

Billy's sense of horror and dread grew the longer and longer he listened. He never missed a word, eyes wide and worried the entire time. It was clear that he was angry at something, afraid, repulsed...

...but this was the critical difference. He wasn't angry or afraid of her, but for her. How dare they wear her down, make her feel so worthless. How dare the gods take her for their plaything. It was awful, terrible, and most certainly not her fault.

"Ronnae, please...please listen," Billy begged, kneeling in front of her and laying his hands over hers. "I know you probably expect me to be repulsed by this, to fear you, to hate you, to reject you. But the truth is that I won't do any of those things, and I'm going to remain exactly where I am, at your side. Do you know why?"

He took a deep breath, mentally charting out the memories he was about to relive. "You aren't the first person to tell me something like this. Renne...he was used similarly, he was deemed responsible for murders, absolutely lost control of his mind. That darkness was always present, but I refused to leave him because the good we got from each other was stronger. I love him, I know he rises above that, and that's never going to change," Billy explained, slowly leading back to where this related to him and her.

"And Ronnie, what you say about mind control was very similar to what I felt with mine. It happened when a king of nightmares, a powerful god, was released from his seal aboard the ship. We were warned months in advance to start shielding our minds, to practice meditation, to deal with our personal demons...and I didn't take the warnings seriously enough. I thought I was ready."

He locked eyes with her, an almost-dead look there.

"I was wrong. He tempted me with images of my friends abandoning me, having never loved me in the first place, of their knowledge that I was the weak link of their group. I believed, it felt true. And thus I became the strongest, was molded into a killing machine. I don't even remember the attempts on most lives that I made, but I..."

This was the part he feared most, because there was a face to attach to the attempt.

"I shot at Jamie, wanting nothing more than to murder him where he stood. I wholeheartedly believed that he, in all his strength and righteousness, was my enemy. I wanted to be better, I wanted to end him. And it's only due to the slightest sliver of bad aim on my part that I didn't---he got away only severely injured by me, my weakness, my hands" Billy admitted, almost choking on those fears.

Now that he had his examples, it was time to make his case. "Darkness is part of all of us, of all our memories. It even has a strong pull now and then, Ronnie, but I've said this before to someone else I love with all my heart. You've risen above it. You stumble sometimes, but you're going to fly higher and higher. And even if I have to face the dark to help you fly, I have before and I will again."

His eyes were burning by then, with...something. That almost resembled tears. "Please believe me. You are not a thing, nor a monster, nor a whore---no more than I'm any of those things for what I've done and allowed to happen to me. You are Ronnae 'Mash Belore Ryllos...a caring friend, a valuable warrior, a downright fantastic engineer, and the woman I choose to love, if she'll still choose to have me."

This was it. He sat up on his knees to meet her eyes, brushing the hair from them and leaning close. "I love you. All of you."

Ronnae wanted to fight it... She wanted to ignore his words, for his own sake. She wanted to protect everything that was him because she held him so dear in her heart and soul that she'd give anything to keep him safe. Specially from her and her inner nightmares. From Yogg and Shadowmourne...

And yet... she couldn't turn away from him... his eyes... Her gaze stayed locked on his, her vision a bit blurry due to the tears that now streamed down her face and onto her knees where her head rested.

He had this power over her... to make her believe... to make her feel the love she denied herself for so long... To make her have hope... no. To believe in that word she hated so much... 'hope'... it almost seemed as if she could truly completely believe in it as long as she knew he held her heart... How could this man have so much power over her feelings? Was this what they meant by knowing who your life mate is when you find him?

There were no words that could describe what she was feeling right now, but soon Billy found himself on his back. The girl he had been staring at had jumped on him, holding on as her body shook and trembled and her desperate sobbing almost echoed through the room. It was a panicked and terrified cry, and yet in a way, it was comforting... She had let out her fears, at least one of her biggest, and he still held such strong feelings for her? It felt warm... She'd never felt something like this before...

She held on as best she could, her face pressed against his chest as each sob rocked her body, unable to control her emotions at the moment.

Billy had nothing to fear, that much he knew. Aside from carpet burn and aching joints, that is---but that wasn't important then. What mattered was this, knowing that Ronnae was with him and that he'd (hopefully) reached her.

"It'll be okay, Ronnie. I've got you...or considering our positions, 'you've got me' might be the more appropriate phrasing, but. Regardless of who has who...I'm here. Just breathe."

He would've rocked her in his arms if his position had allowed for it, but he settled for spreading his hands and rubbing them over her back, one hand slipping up to her hair to give soft, slow strokes. He hummed a slow song into her ear, a love ballad he'd heard on the radio once. Something calm and soothing would help, he hoped.

Billy held her with all the strength his arms possessed for a good long while, completely unaware of any discomfort from a soaked shirt or body pressed into the carpet. All that mattered was that his heart was there, still beating for her right under her nose.

After a good long while it seemed she couldn't sob any longer. Her body lay limp and tired on top of his, her small frame taking up a bit more than half her body, but her hair laid splayed all over the rest of it.

Thump, thump...Thump, thump... thump, thump...

That sound... it seemed so distant and yet... it held so much meaning... to her specially... someone who had to live in a nightmare world for decades... where everything was so dead... so fake... but this sound... this feeling. It was real. And she knew what it was.

That thought alone made her sobbing finally stop, her eyes focused on the spot where the comforting sound and feeling was coming from.

"Billy..." her voice was soft, if a bit raspy from all the crying, she seemed extremely vulnerable and still, there was a small smile on her face.

"T-thank you..." She didn't know how to say it, she didn't know the proper words for what she was feeling right now but... she managed to at least get out one of them for now.

Billy was finally able to breathe easy when she calmed down, his hands still keeping up their steady strokes. As long as his love was going to be okay, he'd weather just about anything.

"It's all for you, Ronnie," he whispered, leaning forward to catch her forehead in a warm, protective kiss---which then led to a number of other kisses targeting her tears, all done with the tiniest of smiles on his face.

There. He'd try to cheer her up a little, and then he could see about helping her settle in.

She made sure to settle in as her emotions spilled over. Pushing her body forward, her lips met with his and soon she was in the middle of a heated kiss. There was longing, and desire, love and despair, all locked withing this one kiss.

There was something about the moment that seemed alarming. A few minutes ago she was spilling one of her darkest secrets and he simply accepted her... That meant more to her than anything at the moment.

Billy didn't want to push Ronnae too far tonight. He knew she didn't need to be stressed, so he'd help out any way he could. That kiss was his expression of acceptance and love, soft and sweet. At the end, though, he put in the ferocity of his desire to never let her go.

When they broke apart he flopped back against the floor, smiling up at her. "You're going to be okay, love. So...let's get cleaned up and relax," he suggested, making a cute face up at her.

Ronnae shook her head a bit hurriedly. Looking mighty flushed and dropping her gaze down embarrassed.

She took a deep breath and looked away, her voice small, a gentle whisper.

"I... I w-want you Billy..." She was too embarrassed to voice out exactly what she meant... so she hoped her boyfriend would get the hint.

Oh, Billy knew exactly what she wanted. He was just rather surprised that she wanted to be with him now, after the emotional experience they'd just had. But then again...could that release be part of the catharsis? Maybe it made sense after all.

After a second of thought (okay, closer to half a second), he nodded. "I'm yours, then," he whispered back, trailing his fingers underneath her shirt to trail the skin at her waist.

"Let's just try a more comfortable surface," he asked sheepishly, even if it was only as far up as the large couch behind them.

Edited 2011-07-14 02:15 (UTC)

She looked at him a few moments, her face heating up and the blush becoming more and more apparent. Finally standing up, she bit her lip, looking behind her at said large, comfy couch... Wasn't it risky in the living room? Somehow.. that just made it slightly more fun? Intriguing for sure.

Soon she found herself on said couch, relaxed back and looking definitely embarrassed but eager. Her gaze moving from the floor, to him, and back a few times.

The couch, really? Well it was better than the floor, Billy conceded, and definitely different. Billy slowly sat up, color apparent on his cheeks right away. Looked like he'd be putting his balancing skills to use tonight.

"There's no rush," Billy assured her as he stripped off his shirt, folding it over a chair. "Besides, rushing might be dangerous here," he joked, swaying his hips for effect.

This would be a night of self-discover and love, one he wasn't going to ruin with a few minor complaints. He was honored beyond words to still be hers, to know that she was still his.

The honest truth [closed to Ronnae]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject