trans_9 | But I'm Experienced, Babe [Closed]

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But I'm Experienced, Babe [Closed]

[OOC: Bendytimed to before Cloneplot.]

Eva has decided this hour is designated for special self-indulgence. Having brought back out another lawn chair to the front yard, she now sits with a blanket, a glass of XaXingian wine, and the collection of Clarín's short stories she got from Kang.

Occasionally she waves at a familiar passer-by on the road, but for the most part she's lost in her own little world, filled with one of those too-infrequent senses of satisfaction - especially when the wisteria isn't taking to her garden well and they've finally run out of ice cream to sweeten the coffee. Still, it feels nice to only worry about mundane things that can be set aside for a good story, for once.

Under her breath, she reads some sentences aloud and sings snatches of a Rubén Blades song.

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Zouichi isn't riding by this time; he's walking. Thinking. Before he realizes it, he's somehow passing by Eva's house. Eva's outside -- reading, it looks like. He almost doesn't call out to her, but there's actually no guarantee she hasn't spotted him anyway, and if he goes by without saying hello, well. That'd just be rude.

"Afternoon," he says. Probably in slightly more gloomy fashion than usual.

Eva knows gloomy. She's very good at recognizing gloomy, even from several yards' distance. "Zouichi! What's with the personal raincloud?"

She motions with her hand for him to come over. "And what do you feed those wisteria?"

"What? Oh. No, it's nothing. I just... I think I handled a situation badly." He's not sure if he actually wants to come over and talk to her right now or not, but... well, Eva's married. She probably knows more about this sort of thing than Zouichi. And Howard.

"Feed them? Mine grows like a weed no matter what I do to it. What seems to be the problem?"

"Well, that's vague," she says, dog-earing her book and laying it on her lap. "Can I be of any help? You know I just exude wisdom and good decision-making."

She shakes her head. "I don't know, but they won't take. I think possibly they aren't meant to be cut like stalks like that."

He hesitates for a second. "A friend of mine suggested I ask another crew member out on a date. It didn't go well. I don't think it will work out."

"Hmm. I followed the instructions I read for propagating them, as they were detailed in the Media Library. What is the pH of the soil here?"

"Ah." She pats the seat of a nearby lawn chair, indicating he join her. "Did it not go well in a 'we didn't click' or in a 'hellfire and brimstone' sort of way? And were you hoping it would work out?"

She gives him a quizzical look. "How would I know that?"

"More like the latter. Do you know Alastirra?" He sits down -- where did she even get this lawn chair? "Howard told me I should go talk to her under the assumption that she was interested in... a temporary sort of dating situation, I guess? 'Enjoying the moment'? I had some misgivings about the idea, but I ended up asking her anyway, and she agreed. I think.

"However, I didn't really feel right leaving it at that, so I asked her if she was really all right with a relationship with someone from whom she'd almost certainly be separated in the end. Then she called me her 'friend'." Zouichi made a slight face at that, as if he were still slightly insulted. "And then I think she kissed me to get me to stop talking. And said that if our worlds were restored, she would accompany me back to Earth.

"I kept telling her that she shouldn't even consider the idea, but she was very insistent. I ended up telling her I wouldn't allow her to accompany me there under any circumstances, and that I'd do anything in my power to prevent her from doing so. Then I walked off.

"...Also, she shouted at me and called me a coward while I was leaving. So I'm at least fairly sure she's not planning on speaking to me again."

He pauses. What was Eva's question again? "Er. pH tests?"

That kind of tense jaw, Zouichi? That's Eva's face for 'I'm trying very hard not to slap my face with my palm at you right now'.

"Well." She whistles, long and low. "If it makes you feel any better, I've had worse dates. Although, I wouldn't have taken her calling you a friend as anything but a compliment, unless she prefaced it with 'just'. Most lovers start out friends. Peter and I were friends for several years before we ended up in a relationship."

She chews the corner of her lip and takes a sip of wine. "And we didn't talk about staying with each other forever and ever until several months after that. That's not really the best way to start a first date, especially since we don't know when or even if we'll get our planets back."

She continues looking skeptical. "Am I supposed to give the earth a pencil and timer and have it score an A+?"

Zouichi looks just the slightest bit skeptical. "I should have taken it as a compliment? I'm aware that many relationships begin with friendship, and I wasn't asking her to clarify her feelings at the time. But are you really supposed to refer to someone you've agreed to date as a 'friend'?" Because to him it had sounded more patronizing than endearing.

"I'd prefer to be clear about any relationships from the start. Especially considering who and what I am. And especially considering how Alastirra is. She's extremely stubborn, and I don't doubt that she'd try to come back with me if our worlds were restored. I don't want that to happen."

"...If you'd like, I can test it for you?"

"Well, I wasn't there, so I don't know exactly how she said it, but generally I wouldn't find it an insult. A friend is someone you trust and enjoy and are willing to make sacrifices for. Wouldn't you hope for the same in someone you want to date?"

She frowns, running her finger along the rim of her wine glass until it hums. "So you're torpedoing a nice girl's interest in you over something that may or may not happen five, ten, maybe fifty years down the line, assuming, of course, that we don't all die, you two wouldn't break up, or the Ohm are full of crap. You seem to want to protect her, but - and I'm speaking just as my own outsider opinion here - it seems that you're trying to protect yourself just as much."

Her lips twitch into a half smile. "That come with being a synthetic human?"

He frowns. "At the time, I asked her if she was content to merely 'enjoy my company'. I couldn't understand why or if anyone would become involved in a relationship under the assumption that it would most likely fail. She replied that I was a dear friend, and that if my life was cut short..." he shrugs. "That she'd 'miss me but always remember me'. So I guess that answered my question."

"The war will be over. I will make sure of it." He's not going to die before it's over, either -- he can save that for later. "And if I'm able to return to Earth, and she comes with me, she'll almost certainly die. Even if, in a million-to-one chance, she isn't killed by an enemy combatant, what then? Living out her life embroiled in battle on a dead planet? Even if her abilities worked there -- and they almost certainly won't -- there are no trees, no animals, no spirits. It would be like asking her to kill herself. And I can't let her do that. I won't allow her to do that."

Alastirra isn't like himself; she's kind, generous, full of life. He sincerely believes that, quickly or slowly, his Earth will kill her.

"I won't even be able to help her through it. Everything I've learned on this ship... all the side interests, the little social niceties, the banter -- everything that makes me a tolerable person to interact with? They'll be dead weight when I get back. A liability someone else can use against me. I can't be the person that I am now and still purge my planet of N5S and the DRF. And when you take that away, there's really not that much left."

Without those things, why would Alastirra even have a reason to remain? Maybe he'd be able to recover his old self again, someday, but would he ever be able to face her again, after what he'd have to do? He thinks not.

"And you're probably right; I am protecting myself. I don't want to see that happen to her. I don't want to lose anyone else." He wasn't sure what he'd do if he had to watch one more person he'd sworn to protect die in front of him. Maybe he'd end up as dead as his planet.

Oh, right. Eva's soil. "It's not really an orthodox use of my abilities, but... yes. It shouldn't be difficult for me to figure out that much."

"Zouichi. Do you mind?" she says, reaching a hand to gently touch his. Physical contact has always been a way she's told people she's wholly invested in the conversation. "I think we're speaking past each other, but alright."

"I won't argue that your homeworld is probably a soul-sucking place. But I'm sure you know what it's like to have choices taken from you, and how frustrating that is. By coming out of the gate telling Alastirra she couldn't come with you, it's an insult to her reasoning capabilities and ability to learn for herself. I know you meant well, but it probably felt like a body blow to her. To her, you didn't trust her to come to a conclusion for herself, instead deciding for her."

Possibly Eva is sensitive to that dynamic as someone who clutches to her choices so tightly, now that she's allowed to make them again.

"But that's not the sort of fear I'm talking about. I think...and I really hope you don't take offense to this - I think you're afraid to lose focus. That you've decided that saving your world is your function, is your purpose above all else, but you're afraid to have that dedication challenged. If you care, truly care, selfishly care for another person like you'd have to to love them, then it makes setting them aside to do your duty that much more painful and difficult.

"It's one thing to lay your own life and well-being down when you keep them at some arm's length most of the time, but it's another to have that asked of you knowing it necessitates hurting people you love. I think you might be afraid of the temptation of an alternative, Zouichi."

Zouichi starts to recoil in surprise; unexpected movements? Not good. But he stops himself from pulling his hand away entirely, narrowing his eyes at Eva's words. "And what alternative are you alluding to?"

What Eva says isn't exactly new to Zouichi; he's thought about it many times since he's gotten here. He's thought about it since Alex had first told him that he didn't owe the human race anything, that the destruction of his world had freed him to make his own decisions.

And if you thought of it that way, wasn't it a good thing?

Except if you followed that thought to its natural conclusion: A world that had once housed billions of human beings, people who had their own lives and families and dreams for the future had been destroyed. But that freed up a single Synthetic Human's schedule, so why not call it even? Figure out what he wanted to do with his life?

It had been a monstrous, alien thought, one that he had assumed Alex had voiced because he was young, bitter about how his own world had treated him, and eager to be beholden to no one except those he chose to devote himself to. But people kept bringing up this same theme, over and over again. Why? Would they be feeding him the same lines if it was their world at stake? Their families? Their loved ones?

Throwing away his world's future would be admitting that everything he'd ever strived for was meaningless. It would be throwing away everything that made him who he was. And it would mean throwing away the world of the one person who had meant more to him than anything, even more precious and terrible to him in death than she had ever been in life.

She purses her lips a bit. "Zouichi, I wouldn't tell you how to live your life, or what the best option for you is. It's totally possible you're right and saving your world is the best and most fulfilling path for you. I'm not going to argue that because honestly, I don't have my own life figured out. Much less anyone else's."

She takes another sip of wine, glaring at her garden. "But I'm saying that both of us know about that option, and it's weighing on you. If it does concern you so much, it's not just Alastirra that you'll run up against. Anyone you get close to will put you to that test.

"So what I'm saying is, maybe this is a learning experience. Maybe you now know that relationships aren't going to be a good idea for you, at least not now, if that conflict still exists. Maybe all this whole ordeal did is illuminate some things about yourself and how close you're willing to get to another person right now, and why.

"And if that's the case, you're probably not going to have a first date that isn't a disaster for a long time."

Zouichi stares at her for a moment. "So in other words, I shouldn't get involved in any close relationships."

Whatever he's expecting from Eva, it certainly isn't that. But it's something he's been considering anyway. All getting close to people seems to bring him is regret that he'll one day lose them. At the moment, it's difficult for him to remember what exactly he enjoys about being with them.

Is it worth it to befriend anyone? In the end, what does it matter if he's friends with Howard? Or Jr.? Or Sakura? Or Allenby?

Allenby.

She sighs, then leans back and closes her eyes. "That's not what I meant. But probably romantic ones aren't right for you now. You can have a friendship and not assume that you'll spend the rest of your life with someone, but it sounds like what you're looking for in a romance is someone to be with forever."

She keeps curling and uncurling the edge of her book cover. "Over your life, if you're a romantic, you hope for friends that stay with you forever, but you come to accept that people change, people die, people leave. But you hope your lover is going to be more permanent than that. You're a strong enough person, Zouichi, that I think you've already accepted that eventually, you won't know me or Alastirra or any of your other friends here any longer. As people," not just as humans, "we brace ourselves to lose friends."

"I think falling in romantic love, we let down those guards. You don't want a relationship where you'd have to keep those guards up, but it's a necessary part of your job if you're going to return home. So maybe that's the relationship you aren't ready to have now."

She opens and closes her book, playing with a loose lock of hair with her fingers. "But we don't know how long we'll be here, and you don't seem to me like you'd be happier lonely and reclusive. You're a social creature, at least while you're here you are. Don't deny that part of yourself. Just know which sort of social you can happily be."

"If you're suggesting that I sit around bracing myself for the day when all my friends are going to die, I think that's the most awful thing I've ever heard." Well, not the most awful. But pretty awful.

Zouichi can easily throw himself into a friendship with someone, or he can sever all ties with them. But maintaining just the right amount of distance to avoid being hurt, while still keeping a friendly face? That strikes him as cold, calculating -- alien. It takes actual effort on his part.

What he thinks about instead is Allenby, whose friends are all either dead or lost, but who has never really shown any face to him other than happiness that she was able to meet them and determination to save them if at all possible. He doesn't think Allenby guards herself against people as Eva is suggesting. In fact, he thinks guarding herself against future pain must be almost as alien to her as maintaining his distance is to him.

In this context, what Howard's said to him finally begins to make sense. He's been assuming that Howard had been suggesting a relationship based on the prospect of failure -- that since most relationships don't work out, it would simply be preferable to enjoy the moment and not worry about the consequences. But he suspects Allenby would regard even a relationship that didn't work as valuable, something to be remembered and cherished.

In other words, it wasn't about making the most of failure. It was about holding the present close, committing it to memory, even against the advance of time. Protecting it.

He stands. "Excuse me, I think I need to be somewhere. I will test your soil pH later."

"Yes, well, I'm an awful person. Morbid, even," she says with a lop-sided, sad smile.

She feels like wincing, a bit. She only meant to help, but seems to have just sent Zouichi a bunch of mixed messages and, unwittingly, told him how to feel. It wasn't her intention, but it happened.

Or maybe he's right and she is just pre-emptively awful about her friendships.

She sighs and drains her wine glass, then reaches under her lawn chair and pours herself another. "Alright. I'm sorry to have been the bearer of bad moods. Feel better soon."

He gives her a small smile in return. "No. I understand. You're trying to help. I just... need to talk to her. I'll see you later."

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But I'm Experienced, Babe [Closed]

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SO YEAH

Re: SO YEAH

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