trans_9 | That Dizzying Moment When Past and Present Becomes One [Closed]

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That Dizzying Moment When Past and Present Becomes One [Closed]

If Eva has a personal raincloud, she's convinced it's storming today.

She sits on her feet in the garden, wrenching plants from the earth, not caring about the hard dirt digging angry separations between her fingernails and her flesh. What she'd really like to do is throw all the silverware and dishes in the house onto the yard, but she can't justify that luxury on Stacy. So instead she digs aimless holes and uproots weeds and flowers alike, up to her arms in earth, face smeared with dust.

She's keeping herself in the mechanical headspace where the only thing she can focus on is the movement of her arms, the way her shoulder's old wounds ache, the unbidden clench in her jaw. If she thinks about anything less physical, she'll think about Marco, scared and maybe sick in the Med Bay. She'll think about that violation on the Quarter from the psychic wave. She'll think about how much she could use Peter to lean on right now. She'll think about the possibility that they won't find a cure for Marco and that his last memory of her will be her betraying his physical safety to Kang.

So she doesn't think. She digs, she pulls, and she waits for Rory.

[trigger warning]

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Zouichi listens wordlessly to what Eva has to say; it's almost as if she's had practice reciting these things, like she's been constantly repeating those words, either to herself or to others. Or maybe it's just the result of years of impotent rage trapped inside a body that no longer obeyed her. A long time to think. A long time to familiarize herself with the exact nature of her predicament.

"It was your body and you memories they violated," he says, almost to himself. There are no Yeerks in his timeline, no real mental touchstones off of which he can easily understand what happened to her. "But it was and could be anyone else. Your friends. Your son. And they made you participate."

Raising his voice more clearly, he continues, "So the Yeerks aboard this ship use nonsentient bodies. Or they use the morphing power to gain bodies of their own. However, as long as they have bodies of their own, they will not seek to use anyone else's. Which is why they are tolerated on the ship?"

"Yes. They won't seek to use anyone else's. They couldn't even afford us some good old-fashioned hatred or rivalry; we're just resources they don't need anymore. They don't even seem to understand why we hate them for what they've done."

Her eyes narrow; she can tell Zouichi can't quite picture it, but then again very few people can, and he's luckier for not being intimately familiar with mind control. She's met only a few other people on the ship who know of similar circumstances, Daniel with the Goa'uld, Kaya with bloodbending, and even those aren't totally analogous.

"They're not a threat right now, even if to us they'll always be an enemy. All of the Yeerks have their own bodies now, through some means or another. But if Marco and Rachel don't remember how we hosts all were freed, they would consider killing the Yeerks stopping a crime in action. And yes, they're capable of killing hosts to get to the Yeerk." She opens the front door, motioning for Zouichi to follow her, and kicks off her shoes. She needs coffee, or alcohol. "Mr. Williams mentioned to me that the memories on the ship weren't degrading, so it might just be me in danger. Karen, Sam and Tom were all freed in the last few weeks, aboard Stacy."

"Because to them, you are animals." What an alien concept. He supposes that in a way, the DRF considered the rest of humanity animals, or at least tools in their plan, but human beings often created arbitrary lines between themselves and 'the enemy'. An entire species unable to process that other species were also sentient, also had rights? "...sounds like Anwei's Ninth Empire."

Zouichi nods politely, following Eva into the house. Yet another unexpected gesture. He hesitates once inside the doorway, before following Eva's lead, shedding his boots and placing them to the side.

Children accustomed to killing. In a way, he's similar, but on the other hand, he's not human. He was made to kill; they were not. "Up until then, they all had their previous host bodies?"

"Animals, and not even ones worth being treated humanely." She leads him into the kitchen and starts the coffee machine. The coffee from XaXing isn't the right flavor as Earth coffee, but it seems to be as good a substitute as she can find without using the Sensoriums. She sits at the counter while the machine burbles. "I don't know Anwei. Would you like some coffee? It tastes like hair grease but it's warm."

She nods slightly. "Yes. Aftran in Karen, Schmuz in Sam, and Iniss in Tom. They each had deals worked out with the Council where they allowed some time for the hosts to have control, as if that fixes the whole problem. I was freed back in my own timeline, right before the end of the war, so Marco and Rachel's memories of me going free are already compromised. Schmuz and Iniss took new bodies on XaXing, and Aftran morphed her own body about two weeks before that, I think. No one bothered to tell me Aftran was here until after the fact," she says bitterly. Not that she doesn't understand why - she would have raised hell about putting Aftran in stasis immediately, rather than allowing her to continue controlling a young child - but it's just another reminder of how uninformed her son keeps her.

"She works in Medical." He gestures to indicate her approximate height. "About this tall, short blonde hair, extremely wide smile. She talks about herself a lot, though -- fair warning."

At her offer of coffee, he shakes his head; he wasn't particularly eager to find out what warm hair grease tasted like. "I don't really eat or drink. But thank you."

More importantly, something about Eva's story interests him. "They had... deals worked out? With Kang and Rhiow, I assume. But for the arrangement to work, the Yeerks must not have had an entirely adversarial relationship with their hosts."

At least he hopes not -- because otherwise, it would mean the hosts were forced to timeshare their own bodies.

"So Schmuz and Iniss took... nonsentient bodies? And isn't Karen quite young? How could they be certain she'd given informed consent to allow a Yeerk to inhabit her body? And how would Aftran have even gained control of her body in the first place? Wouldn't the Yeerks have targeted older, more influential hosts?"

He frowns. "And why would they keep this from you? Aren't you already an involved party? What purpose would it serve?"

"She's blonde? I'll bet Marco's hitting on her." Upon hearing the burble stop, she pours herself a cup and puts a spoonful of vanilla ice cream from the fridge in it. No cream and sugar, so she has to improvise. She raises an eyebrow and looks Zouichi up and down, but if he's a clone or a shapeshifter or a robot, there's no way for her to tell by sight, so she just shrugs and thinks herself silly for studying him. "Well, you're not Chee, I guess. You haven't mentioned dogs yet. Bio-organic construct?"

She sits back down at the counter, stirring her coffee to have something to do with her hands.

"Karen was taken because Aftran was a low-ranking Yeerk who was assigned to get closer to Karen's father. And no, not an entirely adversarial relationship with their hosts, but it's hard to work up the energy to be adversarial when you've had your metaphorical back broken by years of imprisonment and worthlessness. The whole Council knew about it, not just Kang and Rhiow. I don't even know how long they knew about Aftran, though I've heard it wasn't long." Because she really needed more of a reason to hate Elfangor with every cell in her body.

"Oh, they don't tell me much. I'm crazy and biased, you know. Can't be trusted to give an honest opinion for all my damage," she says with a snort, licking her spoon. "Besides, we wouldn't want hosts to think people cared about their opinions. Then they might get the ridiculous idea that they matter."

More bitter than coffee, for sure.

Marco hitting on Anwei: now that's a thought Zouichi doesn't want to touch with a ten-foot pole. But he is used to people staring and asking questions.

"Close. I'm a Synthetic Human. So, a techno-organic construct." He's not sure what dogs have to do with anything, though. "I don't really sleep or breathe very often, either."

"Really? The entire Council?" Zouichi closes his eyes, trying to imagine why on Earth a group of individuals supposedly representing the crew could possibly --

"So they keep you out of the loop. For your own good, maybe? Either way, it looks like you're in good company." Like, say, most of Security. And who really knew who else?

"Techno-organic. That's what I meant. I never specialized in science, obviously. My husband would give his right arm to interview you for half an hour, though." She taps a hand to her head, then away, in a gesture of a thought leaving her. "Little sleep doesn't sound that nice. Sometimes knowing I can turn my head off for eight hours is all that gets me through the day. But to each their own."

"I podpopped after the whole deal had been organized. I don't know the exact specifics of what went into it, but yes, the Council knew about the Yeerks and orchestrated the timeshare of the hosts' bodies. The whole crew knew about the Yeerks, I think. It's Aftran that they kept secret, at least from me. I don't know how many people knew about her." She rubs her temples, then goes back to stirring her coffee, never not in motion. "Marco and his friends keep me out of the loop because they want to protect me, misguided as that is. Everyone else just writes me off as this little broken bird who can only chirp out 'I hate Yeerks, I hate Yeerks'."

"It comes in handy for what I do-- what I did. Unfortunately, the schedule aboard the ship is considerably more... relaxed." He paused. "Your husband was a scientist, I presume?" Scientists could be good or bad to talk to, depending on whether they thought you were 'real' or a piece of unusually intricate machinery.

"Ah. Of course." Zouichi's tone probably sounded a little dry, there. Wasn't it a little late to be protecting Eva from harm after she'd already gone through so much? On the other hand...

"...But you are his mother. I'm sure he doesn't want any harm to come to you. No matter how misguided that feeling may be." He couldn't really help adding that, that Marco wanted to protect Eva. Even if Eva most certainly knew it already.

She raises an eyebrow at Zouichi's little slip - is he one of those people so defined by what he does? By having a purpose rather than existing for the sake of it?

"Right? For waging a war effort, we do have a lot of down-time spent twiddling our thumbs and watching paint dry." It's why she started the book club, partially. Too much time spent with nothing to do brings out the worst in her, the self-pity and aimlessness that she's been running away from for years with varying degrees of success. "Is a scientist. Computer engineer. He'd probably ask you a hundred questions and then apologize after every one for taking up your time and being too nosey."

She exhales deeply through her nose, tapping the warm spoon on the back of her hand. "I know. But well, that's what triggered this whole situation." She could just be talking about the Quarantine and comm announcements, but really she's talking about Marco's involvement in the war in general. "I make a fantastic damsel in distress. Anyway, was there anything else you wanted to ask?"

It's more like he still considers himself more of Toha Heavy Industries than of Stacy.

"A computer engineer? In that case, I'm sure he'd be more interested in talking to my partner -- she's an AI. What's his specialty?" Zouichi isn't terribly fond of too much free time himself; it's part of the reason he showed up at book club, despite never really familiarizing himself with many classics.

"One other thing, I suppose. What's your opinion of each of the Yeerks on board?" I've met Aftran in person so far, without knowing who she was.

"He's a jack of all trades, but recently he's been more focused on intergalactic communications and satellite imaging. All those sorts of things that make my brain spin. After the war, we ended up with a lot of alien technology to sort through and integrate, so he's gravitated to that, but he's been involved in all sorts of projects." There's the flicker of a warm smile on her face, some fond memory playing for her eyes only.

"Well...Aftran and Schmuz both seem decent, Schmuz moreso because he didn't have to rape a child to have his epiphany that slavery is bad. Iniss is entirely self-absorbed, which doesn't make him all that different than some of the other people on the ship. He refuses to acknowledge the horrors of what he's done, but hey, I'm not surprised. No one likes to look back at themselves and see the scum of the Earth." She gives a sick smile. "Schmuz had to be forced to take a host, as far as I know. Back in my timeline, Aftran willingly gave hers up."

He was relieved to see that despite what Eva had been through, she could still smile. Not everyone would be able to. "Sounds like a useful person to have around. If and when he ever comes out of those pods, I'd be interested to meet him."

"...Schmuz and Aftran were actually the ones that had the least to say about any of this. Iniss is, well... considerably more talkative." Zouichi doesn't really know Eva terribly well, but he thinks her opinions are fairly consistent with what he's found out so far. Iniss is self-absorbed, and while Aftran has proved recalcitrant, she did express concern about the well-being of the other hosts.

"You know Kang personally, don't you? And Rhiow. I'd be interested to know your thoughts on their involvement here, as well. I'm not as familiar with the other Councilors, I'm afraid."

"I'll be sure to put you two in touch if he does. If he ever leaves my side afterwards. He's a little bit clingy." She holds a finger and thumb together to illustrate that 'little bit'. Humor is how she survives. Spiteful, relentless bemusement. Not many former hosts can smile.

"Of course he is," she shakes her head. "Control the story as soon as it comes out. It's the number one rule of the press. If I'd known that everything was going to be put out in the open, I'd have made the announcement myself, for the same effect."

She takes a deep breath there, and then a long sip of coffee. "I don't know Rhiow. Kang is a close friend, and while he and I have disagreed on decisions in the past, I do trust that he has the best interest of the crew in mind. He might not necessarily go about obtaining those interests in ways I always agree with, but if he ever runs for re-election I'll vote for him. But no, I don't think he addressed the Yeerk issue at all in an appropriate way."

Zouichi blinks, looking at her more closely. Is that what you're doing now? Controlling the story? is what he wants to ask, but... no. Besides, she's been up-front with her story thus far.

"I'm not familiar with Rhiow, either. I have talked briefly with Kang, but it was like... having a conversation with someone who speaks another language. I am not even sure we were having the same argument. But I do wish I could give him the same benefit of the doubt that you do. I would prefer to work with the Council."

"Everyone controls a story, Zouichi. Some people are just more upfront about it. Even the honest ones prioritize their information," Eva clarifies, seeing the way he peers at her.

She takes a sip and purses her lips, mulling the coffee over her tongue, and runs a hand through her hair. "I can imagine. It's hard to save the world when nobody tells you anything. You haven't been on Security long, have you?"

"That is a rather cynical outlook," he says. "But 'control' implies that there is intent and understanding involved. I don't believe that's always the case." Because, of course, it wasn't.

"No. I haven't been on the ship long, either... unless you consider a few months a long time. It is difficult to tell, on this ship."

"I don't think it does. I think a lot of the way we organize our lives is subconscious, and how we present facts falls into that category even if we don't understand how or why." She drums her fingers against the side of the coffee mug. "So you weren't around for whatever big attack the Yeerks were involved in stopping. I wasn't either, but I keep hearing it was important enough to justify letting them keep their slaves."

There's no way Eva will ever believe that.

"Hmm." He paused for a moment, considering. "Then I suppose it would depend on whether subconscious actions could be defined as something you can 'control'. For example, my blinking is governed by a Fourier series, to simulate randomness -- comparable to the ways humans blink as part of their autonomic functions. Without a conscious effort on my part to blink at a specific time, the only way to 'control' this action is for some outside influence to render me unconscious or similarly incapacitate me, something I would not define as control at all. On the other hand, my conscious decision to pick up a coffee cup would be exerting control over my arm.

I would argue that while some actions are influenced by an individual's wish to change how others perceive them, some are similarly reflexive in nature. Pigeons landing on a roof will naturally choose their roosting positions to maintain equidistance from any other animals, resorting to rubbing shoulders with neighboring pigeons only when there is no adequate space left. Humans unconsciously exhibit the same behavior when seating themselves in a waiting room. Certainly, you could argue that there are motivating social norms that people in the waiting room are subconsciously choosing to follow, rules such as 'If I want to present myself as normal, I should sit three seats away from this person, rather than two'. But defining an unconscious decision of that level as 'control' would be widening its definition to the point of meaninglessness."

"So for me, 'control' would include action combined with conscious purpose. Under that definition, I would not concede that all people control their story all the time. Although I’d agree that some could come much closer than others, and that all control the way in which they present themselves at least some of the time.” He looked back at her. “You appear to be someone who is extremely conscious of how they present.”

"...But no, I wasn't involved in that attack. Nor has anyone mentioned it to me."

Eva listens as Zouichi talks, head resting on her hand, patting her cheekbone with one finger. There's something familiar about the way he discusses humans, a certain clinical dissection that reminds her of Yeerks, or of the outsider looking in.

She smiles. "Well, I can't argue with that. Maybe I do mean people control their story just most of the time. But I'd still say blinking's under your control, since you have the option to not blink if you want to - you just choose to let it continue its randomized pattern, even if you're not thinking about it. You can exert authority over the action. Which is more control than some people have or have had, the control to say 'no' and not do something."

She raises her eyebrows and goes for several seconds without blinking, as if to prove the point. "But maybe action without conscious intent isn't control, just the absence of being uncontrolled."

She shakes her head at Zouichi's comment about her. She is extremely conscious of how she presents, and she's rarely pleased with the result. "Something to do with bombs. I don't know the whole story."

He shrugs. "More fodder for the book club one day? Sorry about boring you with that, by the way. I can't really discuss pop culture or favorite foods with most of the crew, and after fifty years, Fuyu and I are mostly talked out."

"I hear that sentiment a lot, actually. It's gotten better -- at the last pod release, they handed out some basic information to help crew members adjust -- but with everyone coming and going, unsure who's been around for how long..."

"No, don't worry. It doesn't bore me. And it would be a good topic to discuss in the book club sometime. People don't give nearly enough thought to the topic of control until they lose it." She fiddles the spoon in her hand, tapping the end of it against the table. "Fuyu?"

"It's difficult. And the ship doesn't make it much easier, obviously, and what with people coming back with new sets of memories or their memories erased...it's messy. And you can only trust other people so much to be forthcoming."

"My partner," he says, watching her fiddle with the spoon. Zouichi didn't really have a lot of nervous tics. "I got the distinct impression at the club that a lot was being said between the lines."

"Unfortunate." He preferred the organizational structure he'd been subject to back on Earth; at least there he knew that he'd be given any support Toha Heavy Industries could muster. There was too much at stake to dance around hoarding information for personal benefit. "New sets of memories? I'm not sure what you mean."

"It must be nice to have them around." She chuckles bitterly. "Oh, so you noticed that too? I guess it's less humiliating than therapy."

"Oh. So you haven't heard. It's making the rounds in the usual gossip mills, but you don't seem the type to go spend much time in those vicinities." She sighs and puffs her lips out, unhappy to be broaching yet another depressing, disorienting subject. "One of the crew members, one I care very much for...well, she was briefly repodded, and when she woke back up again she had an entirely new life story. Apparently Stacy put someone else's set of memories in her head the first time and then repodded her to fix her. So, you know, there's that. Because being a teenager in a war isn't hard enough without a mindwarping identity crisis from an esoteric spaceship on top of it."

Zouichi tilted his head a little at the bitter tone of her words. "I suppose the mandatory psychiatric evaluations haven't left you unscathed, then."

"Ah. No, actually, that I had heard of. I didn't think it was true -- there are so many rumors on this ship, and..."

He stopped, scowled. "Well, that's our surrogate mother-ship, always looking out for us."

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I'ma just trigger-tag this whole entry actually.

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oh a topic Z actually knows something about giant tl;dr

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