trans_9 | Back to the ship

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Back to the ship

Whatever the mission had been, it seemed to be over, and Katara had understood well enough where she had to go: it was the first place she'd started to realize Aang was on the ship: the Statuary.

There was a lot to think about, especially after seeing Matt how he was. When she talked to Sokka, she could tell that Aang was pretty upset too. So at the moment, she had two guys who were feeling pretty rotten right now, and she was responsible. She could only imagine what the other GAang thought of her, and the rest of the trip, even with her friends around, felt fairly miserable. Once she got home, she had gone to her room in the Outsiders suite and had a long, restless sleep. What was Aang thinking, how was Matt dealing with things?

So now she was in the place where she had first laid eyes on the statue of older Aang. She was here with Zhin, who had felt her emotions and was staying by her for awhile. She sat by Aang's statue, quietly wondering what would happen when he found her.

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"I still think that's really weird," said a familiar voice near the door, and there was Aang, leaning on his staff. "Getting to see myself before that's actually me."

Oddly enough, there was no anger there and if there was hurt, he kept it out of his voice. It didn't sound empty or hollow, either; there was still the same, old warmth.

He just sounded calm. Maybe a little too calm.

"But I guess it's always strange to think about who you'll be when you're older. If I saw myself now back when I was 12, I'd feel the same way."

She did freeze a little here. It was like it was yesterday, hearing him. It was one thing catching that glimpse: that was almost like a dream, as if everything was moving in slow motion. But this was Aang, the man she knew several months ago, the man who she tried her best to deal with not being here and failing. Even hearing his voice, it made it certain he was back.

"I remember being shocked, seeing that for the first time. Then it was funny, because it was as if we visited the air temple all over again. There you were, amongst all of the other statues. In a way, I did the same thing that day: I glimpsed at the nature of the avatar, but I didn't really understand until I met you."

She shook her head. "But I also knew that could be you too: that person who saved us all. Every one of us felt the presence of the Nightmare King, but no one more than you. In my own way, I understood you would do this to save us all."

She sighed. "I can hardly believe you're back."

Edited 2011-02-18 06:44 (UTC)

At mention of the Nightmare King, his face fell, and he avoided her eyes, directing his gaze at the floor. The he walked over to her, adjusting his robes to sit down next to her, fiddling with his staff in his hands as he sat there.

"There's a lot of this I don't understand, Katara. I'm reeeally trying to. I want to understand it, but what you say and what you've done just doesn't match."

More fiddling with his staff.

"Zuko and I both remember the end of the war now. So now I even remember...I remember us."

Maybe it hadn't been set in stone, but he was sure she understood how much he loved her, how strongly he felt it. Through everything that followed, the Nightmare King, him wandering dreams with the aid of the sarcophagus--that horrible thing that had kept him trapped and yet also protected, that'd damaged his mind but helped him save others--he had felt that love even more strongly.

He had thought she felt it in return. More importantly, Aang had thought she understood his feelings, and how deep they ran, how to handle them with care. Even as a friend, he thought she understood that, that if something like this were to happen, that if she fell for someone else, she'd at least have handled it in a way that would hurt him the least.

Why had there been no letter written for him, no kind words, no calm talk promised when he was ready for it? Even though he'd needed the space after he heard, he would have preferred to hear it directly from her (instead of blurted out by Zuko).

"I have so many questions, and I think I'm not going to like the answers. And I think the answers are going to drive us apart. And I don't want to hear them, but I have to ask for them. I have to know."

Edited 2011-02-18 06:59 (UTC)

Drive us apart. That possibility was there and she knew it. She could only look at him and see it was Aang all over again, back, and it wasn't a dream anymore. But even that being so, he could have rebuffed her and she would have understood. There was a lot between them, and so much Aang had done, and this was one of the hardest emotional things he had to deal with. Even there, though, Katara's experiences had a founding, had reason that had been always coming back to him.

"Aang, since the moment I've been on the ship, I looked for you. There was a time that I feared something would take you, when I heard of the alien species and what they could do. I got in trouble for that, but I never regretted it, if I knew in my own way, I was trying to keep you safe. But I wont lie either...I've always wanted you, only you, and no matter what changed in me, no matter what I believed, that's been my focus. Since the end of the war, where everything was safe, I knew we could finally be at peace, that you restored balance and still would wherever you go."

She looked down a moment. "But I never expected that they would take you away from me even when I found you. I never thought that I would see you and be around you and feel like we would never be apart, and you'd be podded. It's taken everything in me: the faith in people, my friendships, my hope that we can be a functional ship, to ignore the fact that you weren't here. I've never been GLADOS'd, Aang, so everyday without you was a fight. I'd even come here sometimes, thinking the statues would light up and you'd appear, just like from before. I wanted you to know that, because you might get some idea that I forgot you, or stopped caring. Seeing you this third time, I'll admit, I froze. I thought I might be going crazy, so I ran."

She sighed. That wasn't something she had even told Billy: that part of her was scared she was losing it seeing Aang and knowing how improbable it was that Stacy pod popped him a third time after podding him twice. Those usually didn't happen.

Aang listened. To his credit, he did listen.

He was batting his staff back and forth between his hands the whole time. He needed something in his hands, because the urge to touch her, to hug her, was so strong, but he had to be firm here, and not do that. He had feelings, and they were hurt, and he could stand up for everyone else easily, but attending to his own needs was always a little hard.

Aang listened, and then when she was finished, he asked a question, and also to his credit, it was firm, but not cold or harsh, "If you care about me so much, if you missed me so much, why didn't you wait for me? Or at least wait a little longer? I'd have understood you moving on if it was someone you'd come to really care about, if you'd waited a decent amount of time..."

He did not consider the current circumstances as something that fit that.

And likewise, she wanted to be near him. There was so much that she wanted to do, including just making sure that he was here. But there was a lot that she knew she needed to answer for, and Aang was waiting, understandably not getting how she could have done what she had. Truthfully, she knew what he was wondering about.

"What happened with Matt and I wasn't something he and I planned. To be honest, being with Matt was only possible because he and I understood what it was like to be without the person we cared for most. What we also understood was without that person, the one we love most being there and then not being there, it killed us both. I did wait, Aang, a long time, for a while. But the thing is...its hard to describe how it feels to think you might never come back, and that there was someone who watched over me that understood what that felt like."

She had cared for Matt, she knew that, and Aang might not understand how that could happen, but truthfully had made her feel a little less like she was a robot, just existing until there might be a time that the ship MIGHT release him.

"It was hard Aang. I...I really missed you. Every day and every night was filled with thinking about you. I cared a lot about Matt: but he knew where my heart always was."

That did not make him feel better. In fact, it made him feel a little angry.

"It wasn't that long. I asked around about how long I was gone," he said, raising an eyebrow at her. Then he looked at the floor again. "So, let me get this straight. You missed me so much that it drove you right into the arms of another person, who you don't even care about as much as me, so you were just with someone for the sake of being someone, instead of because of you actually liking him as much as or more than me."

If he didn't know any better, he'd wonder if all girl logic was this convoluted, but he knew plenty of girls that made plenty of sense, so that just meant Katara logic had gotten convoluted.

"Why did you even need to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone? That doesn't sound like the you I know."

She shook her head. "I knew it might sound like that, and to you, maybe it wasn't long. But it was long for me, however you measure it. And when Sokka and Zuko and Mai all left, it was only because of Billy and Renne that I could keep going. I cared a lot about Matt, Aang, more than I know I can tell you. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have been able to keep going. I...I loved him very much, and he was a man that you would have cared about had you met him."

She looked down. "I didn't know if you would come back, I won't lie. You should have been here, you were perfect for what this ship needed. I never understood why it would take you, when you were the key to everything. I was honestly scared. The second time, I thought I wouldn't be able to have you again."

She looked directly at Aang. "I don't want to give you an excuse, just tell you where I was at that time. It hurt, every day, and even if people think it wasn't any time at all, they're wrong."

Her voice trembled a little here.

"Katara, this is where the problem is."

Now he looked concerned.

"I love you. If our places were reversed, I would have missed you. I would have tried to do all I could to get you free again, working with the others to figure out the ship and how to free the people in the Pod Caverns. As much as I love you, though, even with waiting for you, I think I would've been okay. There's this whole ship full of people that need our help, there's so much we have to protect, and even with you asleep, there would've been plenty to focus on, plenty I had to do, that I could help with. I love and want you, but in the end, I only need myself. That's all anyone really needs, and it makes wanting and loving and caring for other people even more special because it's a choice."

Sucking in a deep breath, he said, "What happened to you here that you need to be with someone so much? That you had trouble trying to keep going? Don't you see how that's maybe not the most healthy? If you had to be with someone because of loneliness or sorrow or missing someone else... where's the strength you used to have? Where's the Katara that would've just made friends with other people and helped them, helped the others free me someday, helped fight the war? Where's the Katara that only needed herself and her own strength to get by?"

Aang bit his lip. "I'm upset by what you did. I'm hurt. I think I have a right to be hurt, and I'm not sure I want to put myself in a place where I could be hurt again because you don't know what you want. But most of all, I'm worried about you, and about how being on the ship has affected you, how it's changed you."

Edited 2011-02-19 02:20 (UTC)

"There have been people I've been trying to help on the ship," Katara said. "That was why I wasn't trying to free you from the pods: well, that, and I know that getting to people who are podded is sort of impossible. One of the people I'm friends with lost someone he cared about a lot, and he did his best to try and get her out: he couldn't. I've loved you, more than I could just say, and that was something I can't just talk away to people, no matter how much I tried. I've been helping people, trying to get others together, hanging onto the idea that if we were all able to unite this ship, we'd have a chance to strengthen ourselves. But throughout all that, I did want to be with you."

She looked down, almost laughing a little. "You never thought you were just someone, did you Aang? I know I might have confused you, that day we saw the players, and that was my fault, making you wonder what we were. There was more to it than that. You're saying I wasn't strong enough to get by? What do you think I've been doing, while you were podded, or when all of you guys were taken away? I had to get by: I did everything that I could, helped the people I could because they needed it: there's so much going on with the ship, its not like I'm never not busy. But I always thought of you, no matter what. It's not like I can explain it, not well, how it feels whenever you're not around."

She stared into his eyes. "You have every right to be hurt, and even to leave me if you wanted to. But if you do, I want you to know that whatever has changed with me, I never stopped caring about you. Matt and I needed each other at a time where we missed the people we cared about. I know that sounds confusing to you, but...we were able to care for each other at a time where everything just seemed crazy to us. Stacy hasn't been kind when its come to my friends: I never thought she would be merciful with you either."

No, it still made no sense to him. None at all.

"No."

That made him angry, and that was the emotion he was least comfortable with, which was why he bounded off his feet and started stalking around, trying to burn off some of the frustration with movement.

"If you really loved me, you should have thought about how this would make me feel. I would have understood if you loved someone else--truly loved them--and would consider leaving me for them, if you loved them that much. I would have understood if you'd waited longer, and were more sure you might not see me again for years, and it was someone you really cared for. I would've wanted you to move on. Eventually."

He tapped his staff on the floor, angrily, thought not aggressively enough to be scary or intimidating.

"But love is something you show people, it's something you do. Saying you love me doesn't mean anything unless your actions show it, and leaving the person you love for someone else that doesn't even mean much to you more than a friend after just a few months isn't love. More than that, you know me!"

His hand pressed to his chest, and his expression was pained.

"You know how much I love you! Either you didn't think this would hurt me, which means you don't know me; you didn't plan to tell me about it, which means you planned to lie to me; or you did know it would hurt me and didn't care."

Tears now started to drip from the corners of his eyes and he wiped them away with the back of his hand.

"I know you care about me, Katara. I do believe you. And I'll always, always care about you. I don't regret having these feelings for you, and I never will." His voice nearly broke at what he said next, "But I would have waited for you, or done all I could to get you back. And after everything I went through, for our world and for the ship, against Ozai and the Nightmare King, after all I've done and given up for other people--and with all the love I've given you--"

This was the hard part, because it was not really in his nature to take, even when he needed something, it was hard to assert himself, to be firm. That was why learning Earthbending had been so difficult, why Toph had to annoy him into sticking up for himself. It went against the grain, when you'd been taught to give the robes off your back to someone that needed them more. (Nothin' wrong with going around in your undies for a bit for the sake of charity, right?)

But he had still learned how to have that edge.

"--I deserve someone who loves me the same way back. I deserve someone that loves me as deeply, that shows me that love instead of just says it, that thinks about how their actions will affect my feelings like I think about how mine will affect theirs."

This was the part that hurt. "And as much as I love you--as much as I'll always love you, as much as I even forgive you...because of this, I'm not sure that person is you anymore."

Wiping at his eyes again, he said, "I think we need a break. Until I figure it how I feel, and until you figure out what it is you really want."

Rather than be with someone he wasn't sure loved him the same way back, he preferred just being alone. He was a monk, after all. Relative celibacy and focusing on his spiritual nature was kind of an Airbender thing to do.

Katara turned to him. She knew this might end this way, in fact she figured this might be exactly the way it would happen. But this wouldn't be that way if he started to think that the ways he thought about him was just casual, whether it came to him OR Matt. They were both people that meant something to her. He could SAY that he could wait, he could say that if it had been him things would have been different, but it hadn't been him, and he didn't know what it was like, being here when everyone wasn't.

"He meant something more than just a friend!" Katara said, her voice rising with emotion. "The time we had made me happy Aang, because it was what I never had with you: time to laugh, picnics, knowing that he would be there the next morning! It was great and I don't regret it, but yes, I wanted to get to know you too! But every time we were together, it took you! Do you know what that feels like, to have the person you love take away every single time you want to be with him, after you wait and you wait to be with him and wonder if you will ever see him again? It hurts!"

And she turned from him. He was breaking away from her, she knew it, and everything was just feeling wrong.

"I would do anything for you Aang, you know it! Did you doubt it when you contacted me on the ship here, or when the Nightmare King came and terrorized us all? I was at my breaking point, and even when you were shot-"

She had a sob break, and she swallowed. "When that happened, everything in me was screaming, and then you were ok. I was so happy, I thought we would be together on this ship, helping others and taking the time to talk about everything. That was what I wanted! But it took you, and YES, it hurt enough that when Matt was with me, I could heal, I could hold him and feel like I wasn't just surviving. So if you want to blame me for that, you can. Just make sure you remember each and every time I was here, it wasn't easy, that losing all of you was something that nearly killed, even with all of the great friends I made on board. You're my family, and what happens to you all means something to me. If you want to b-break, I can't stop you, it's your decision. But I would never LIE to you or want to hurt you intentionally, just know that. I love you!"

"You're talking to me about loss? About having people taken away?"

There was an edge to his voice, that suggested that she be very careful of what she say next.

"Do I know what it's like to have someone I love taken away? No. When Appa was taken away, maybe, but I know that's not the same. But I do know what it's like to go years without the person I love, alone on an alien skyship, and then alone, trapped in...trapped in..."

Aang cut off that line of thought, eyes shut tight for a moment.

"And I also know--" His voice was shaking here, as he looked up at her again, and maybe some of it was outrage, that she dare, that she dare talk to him about the hurt of someone being taken away temporarily, when... "I also know what it's like to lose a lot of people permanently."

There was anger now, and it terrified him, and he was trying to keep it inside, where it couldn't lash out in his words and hurt her feelings. It surprised him how much anger there was, but maybe that ran hand in hand with pain, and maybe all that had happened to him took a greater toll than he'd realized.

"I understand...your hurt, even if I don't agree with how you dealt with it." That edge was there again. "But you don't get to talk to me like my hurt over this means I don't know what it's like to lose the people I love. You, of all people, should know."

Edited 2011-02-20 00:04 (UTC)

"It's not about that!" Katara said. "I would never try to belittle all you've gone through Aang, please know that. I can't compare what I've been through to what happened to you: I wouldn't know where to begin. But there's so much we never got to talk about, and so much we wanted to say, I didn't know what to think. That was the worst thing about you being taken away: it happens without a warning, and no one tells you how to prepare."

She turned from him a moment, looking at the statues. "I've gotten to know a lot of people here, and some of them need help. I've done what I could, and I've had experiences I could tell you about, things that have changed the way I look at things. But the worse thing was knowing the one person I wanted to help, to heal, was out of my reach."

She turned to him though, and he could see now that there wasn't anything she was holding back. "I've hurt you Aang, and I should have told you first thing, you're right. And there's nothing I can say that will take away that hurt. You've been through so much, and I don't have the slightest idea of the extent except what I could find out on the ship. I'm sorry...I never meant to do this to you."

She wanted to ask if he could forgive her, but she knew that would be asking a lot of him.

There was a long time that he stood there, leaning against his staff, looking pensively at the floor, trying to decide what to do. His tear-stained face was squished up in thought, betraying the inner conflict he was feeling.

Eventually, he looked up to her again, eyes wide, expression soft. He walked up to her again, and his hand reached out and gently caressed her cheek.

"I forgive you, Katara," he said. She didn't have to ask for it.

And he did forgive her. How could he not, if he tried to see the good in everyone?

That did not, however, mean that he was taking her back.

"Take care of yourself, okay? Figure yourself out? If you need me, I'll always be here, and maybe if you have enough time to work through...whatever it is you're going through, we can try again someday."

Pressing a soft kiss against her forehead, he turned and started to walk away.

Edited 2011-02-20 05:30 (UTC)

It was him: there wasn't a doubt, it wasn't a dream, it was truly him. And seeing him this way, crying because of something shed done, tore her up inside. All those feelings she'd had, all that hope of seeing him and being together, seemed like a million miles away. There was always SOMETHING, like it seemed as if they were always bound to have something stop them from being together.

And the worse was that touch, the one of him forgiving but not forgetting. It was something she knew herself: hadn't she done that with Jett, with Zuko? She stared deep into his eyes, her tears welling up, knowing full well this wasn't something that would heal with them, not without time.

And she walked toward him. "I'll always be here too. There is a lot I have to figure out, but how I feel about you won't ever change. For what its worth...I'm really, really happy that you're back. The ship-no, the whole crew needs someone like you."

She looked at him, and there was a longing mixed with pain there: she wanted to say more, she didn't want to put this front on that she was ok. She wanted to grab him and tell him not to go, that he mattered to her, that she wanted to be with him more than anything. But she knew he needed time, he needed to be with her outside of everything.

It hurt though. It hurt to finally have him here again, and be the one that did this to him. A part of her knew that their time apart was something she deserved, but she still loved him.

And she wanted to prove that to him, no matter what it took.

"I'll...see you."

Aang stayed only long enough to hear her last words and then he was gone. There was a rush of wind outside the door as he ran, so there was no risk of her trying to catch up and say something else. He bounded through the hallways, flew up through the Hub on his glider, and made his way to one of the Sensoriums, trying to avoid anyone and everyone.

After closing the door behind him, he looked around the Sensorium, seemingly perfectly calm and serene. This was where he kept Appa, in a place programmed with wild grasses and calm breezes, and for a moment, his calm was as calm as the wind that gently swept through the vast expanse.

Appa greeted him with a happy grunting noise, but then the bison's eyes widened in surprise as Aang didn't greet him back with the same cheer, and instead, the Airbender let out a cry of frustration and anguish, tossing his staff as far from him as he could, so that it bounced in the dirt and clattered off against some rocks with a metallic pong.

Then Aang dropped to his knees, holding his hand over his face, shoulders shaking, tears squeezing out from between his fingers.

He'd already cried before with Appa, spent some time alone, but not like this, and it obviously disturbed the bison, who made his way over and started snuffling around his boy's face in a comforting fashion. Aang just leaned against the gentle beast, burying his face and fingers in his fur. After a moment, he stood up, jumping up on top of the bison's head and neck, where he so often sat when he flew and sometimes even curled up to sleep. He curled up there now, drawing his legs close, all the world like he'd done as a child, only now he had a lot of legs to draw in.

He'd be okay. Eventually. Even Aang knew that. For now, though, he needed some time to just let himself feel the keening hurt so he could eventually let it go.

"I know I'm supposed to feel this. Love and hurt, anger and sadness, all the things people feel. That's why the Avatar is human, so I understand, and with every life, I get to understand a little more," Aang said, taking a deep, halting breath.

"But understanding why I have to feel like poop doesn't make me not feel like poop."

Aang nuzzled into the bison's fur, and Appa settled to lay down again, wanting to not move while his boy was perched up there and in need of stillness and comfort. "So I'm going to cry all over you for a while--is that okay, Appa?"

"Gruuuuugh." It was low and crooning and comforting and essentially meant 'You cry on me all you need to, little bro. You don't even have to ask.'

Burying his fingers in thick fur, Aang closed his eyes and concentrated on the familiar smell and how it felt against his wet cheek.

"Thanks, buddy."

Edited 2011-02-20 07:21 (UTC)

And when he left, she waited. Zhin had been there, loyally at her side, waiting. Katara was still unsure what planet she came from, but somehow this space"dog" knew how she was feeling, and knew it had taken a lot to keep this face up, the idealism and the faith she would be with him.

And when he left, she could let all of that go, and collapse, crying hard. Zhin had sensed this was coming: if anything, she may have been preparing for a time where her owner would come to the brink of this, and stayed by her side. She was strong when she had to be, but there was a sense that there were going to be times her owner faulted, and she was here for that.

"Let's go," she said softly to the space dog. "There's nothing keeping us here. Thank you, Zhin. I needed someone, and they couldn't speak for me. Matt will be mad at me for it, but I'll make him understand. It needed to just be me."

She held on hard to the pets fur, her legs still feeling weak.

"W-we have to plan for the Outsiders, and I should spend some time with Negi." She voice sounded far away to her, almost as if she were underwater. "I'm tired."

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