trans_9 | Somehow I always end up going nowhere [Closed]

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Somehow I always end up going nowhere [Closed]

He avoided the Sensoriums unless he was meeting Sam. Not because he didn't like them, of course, they were fine. Interesting. If he'd trusted his mind not to play a nightmare for public viewing, he'd have likely been more interested.

But as it was, his mind was a trap, and he was only too aware of how dangerous his memories could be to him. Iniss would turn it into battle zones, recreate famous battles, just so he could see, or recreate the pool if he was feeling homesick and lonely. Tom tried to avoid changing it at all and let Sam control the settings.

Today Sam had been late, or he had been early. Either way, he was alone. Alone in something he could easily turn into a weapon of mass mental destruction.

He kept his eyes closed, laying on his back. Thinking very firmly of nothing but the grass under his back, the weight of old jeans on his legs, and the sun warming his face. Nothing else existed. Nothing but him and the empty field he had sprawled in.

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Sam was running slightly late. He didn't mean to be, it just ended up happening. He'd fully expected to arrive to find Tom outside, since he didn't seem to like to go into the Sensoriums on his own. Something Sam could understand, honestly.

So he was surprised to see the corridor empty and, instead, Tom inside one of the rooms, laying in a grassy field. Sam grinned, stepping inside and stripping off his Starfighter Command jacket. "Hey, Tom. How're you feeling today?"

He'd only gone in to test himself, and knowing Sam would be there soon meant that if something did go horribly wrong, someone would be there to pull him out of it. It was a challenge for his own mind. If he could be brave enough to face this, then. Well. It was a step in the right direction, wasn't it?

Besides, it had been forever since he had been able to lay in the sun. It should be worth the risk, right? He opened his eyes slowly, looking up at Sam with a sleepy smile. "Didn't make it turn into a nightmare. Didn't even make it rain. You're late. Did something happen?"

He shook his head. "Nah. I just missed when my alarm went off." Sam flopped down on the grass beside Tom, happy to reinforce the grass and sky and whatever. "I was reading and set an alarm so that I wouldn't be late. Except, of course, I got so engrossed in what I was reading that I didn't hear it."

Tom laughed, closing his eyes again. "It's weird. At home, there was always something." Yeerks. School. There was never enough time to lose time to a good book. "It's weird that here, in the middle of a war..." The biggest worry at the moment was being late for a meeting with a friend.

"You could have just commed, I would have waited."

He relaxed against the grass, letting the sun warm him. "It's weird."

But was nice. Really nice. Not needing to go anywhere or rush off to do anything.

"I didn't think about it." Sam smiled sheepishly, shaking his head. "And by the time I did think about it? I was nearly here, anyway."

He put his hands behind himself, leaning back and looking at the sky. "I think it's not so weird, honestly. I mean, we're not always fighting, right? Might as well make the most of what time we have."

He laughed softly, nodding. "Yeah. It's fine, I don't mind." He curled his toes against the grass, sighing faintly.

This was nice.

"Yeah. It's...it's not bad weird, you know? Just weird. It's good. I don't think I've done stuff like this since I was a kid. Hard to realize how awesome it is until it's not there. It's nice to stop fighting for a little while."

And yet, it was all stolen time, wasn't it? Deal broken. He'd lied. He'd hidden the truth and caused all sorts of trouble. "Sam...can...can I ask you something?"

Sam smiled and nodded once. "Yeah, sure. You can ask me anything you want, Tom." He had no idea what it was that he needed to ask about, but Sam was always at least going to listen.

He hadn't had secrets in years. Not his own secrets, not secrets he could tell anyone. He rolled, pressing his face into his arms. "Sam,...if I knew-" No, wrong question, that came after. Start the conversation without excuses.

He could practically hear Iniss telling him exactly how to do this.

He swallowed, biting down on his lower lip as hard as he could."If you made a deal, one that maybe you didn't want to keep, but it was better for everyone, and someone made a loop hole and the only way you could keep it was by keeping your mouth shut... What would you do? Would you still try to keep the deal?"

I know where he is. I lied. Do you hate me yet? The only way I can keep this is by continuing to lie.

Sam was perfectly willing to wait as long as Tom needed him to. After all, he had a feeling it had taken some working up to get to this. So the first question, or half question, he let slide without asking for the ending of it.

Though the question wasn't exactly what he was expecting. Sam frowned, more of a thoughtful expression than unhappy. Though it was unhappy. Just not, likely, for the reason Tom would think it was.

"Deals are...kind of a difficult subject for me," he admitted finally, pushing himself up so that he could cross his legs and lean forward. Elbows on his knees and hands folded under his chin. "Back home, far too many people make them without thinking about the later consequences. Because it offers them something they want now in exchange for whatever is asked. But the price tends to be high. Far higher than what was bargained for." Not always, but enough that Sam felt okay with the broad strokes. "If you can find a loophole, or make one, though? That can be a really good thing. Or useful, at least."

"Useful." He laughed, a soft, half broken sound. "And dishonest. I know the consequences. I knew it then, it seemed so easy, you know? Just a few more months. And then, and then this and suddenly it was...just..."

He squeezed his hands into fists, face pressed against them. "I want this. I want to go home with you and watch movies with Kaylee and Dean and Rhiow and everyone and not have to worry about people not trusting me because there's a Yeerk in my head. I want Jake to stop looking at me like I'm one of the enemy every time he sees me."

He took a deep breath, face still pressed against his hands, sounding very quietly broken. "But it all feels like I lied to get it."

He was afraid of that, given the aborted question. Sam leaned forward, shaking his head. "Tom, there's...nothing wrong with wanting your own life back. You said you made the deal that was best for everybody, but I don't think it was. I mean, what about what's best for you?"

"I made-" His voice choked off, lip caught between his teeth. "I made a deal, Sam. There's everything wrong with wanting my life back. Because it's not mine to take."

He kept his fists pressed to his face, feeling like maybe he should be ripping his hair out or something appropriately over-dramatic.

"The moment I tell anyone where he is..." His voice trailed off, face hidden.

The moment he said anything, someone would want Iniss back in his head. Even with the best intentions. Iniss wasn't safe just floating around in stasis.

"What if I just kept my mouth shut, didn't tell anyone...just kept going and pretending I don't know anything? But that's the same, isn't it, lying by omission..."

His shoulders slumped, head still bowed. "I don't think what's best for me plays into the big picture."

"I think it should." Sam reached out, squeezing Tom's shoulder. "I meant what I said to Eva and Loren, you know. We find Iniss and what happens from there is YOUR choice. You made a deal, yeah, but circumstances have changed.

"Nobody is going to force you to take Iniss back, okay?" He didn't try to force Tom to look at him, but his expression was comforting.

"You won't. Dean won't. Eva thinks I should throw him off the bridge. But..." Dani would, Dani should. They had a deal. None of this would have even be possible without Dani. He'd made a deal.

He curled a little, fists still pressed to his face as tight as he could, not pulling away from the hand. "Stacy took both of us." The words were soft, pained. "He's crew. He's useful." I'm not.

"The only things that's changed...It's harder to matter."

"And he'll be more useful when he's got his own body." Sam shifted over to sit beside Tom. "You matter a lot. I know it's hard. Honestly, I really do. Which is kind of the reason why the final decision has to be yours."

God, he wasn't sure how to phrase this. Because he wanted to make sure Tom understood. "From what you told me from when you made the deal, you went along with it because you thought it was what everybody else wanted." He turned, looking to the 'horizon'. "This time, it needs to be because it's what YOU want."

Just once, he wished someone would tell him no. Not 'it's your choice' or 'you don't have to', open ended offers that required a stronger sense of self than he had found himself left with. Choices were a thing of the free, after all. His choice, if he had one, was far less important than the wants of the rest of the world.

And so far, the only person who had actually expressed what she wanted was Dani.

His shoulders slumped under Sam's hand, wanting to ask Sam to tell him not to. Wanting more than anything for someone to tell him not to. Not that he didn't have to, but to not do it. "...Can I still stay at the house? Or would...would it be better if I didn't?"

Once, Sam might have issued that ultimatum. Told Tom that he couldn't take Iniss back, they'd find another way. But too long being at the mercy of other beings, of Destiny and fighting against it meant that Sam was far too invested in free will to do so.

Sam smiled at that. "You're always welcome at the house, Tom." He'd run interference with Dean if he had to. "No matter what happens, okay? You're our friend and we take care of our own."

It was understandable, in it's own way. Didn't stop Tom from wanting someone to tell him not to. Because he didn't want to. If he ignored the problem, avoided thinking about it, he could stopgap for a little while. But once he faced it...it was only a matter of time. He'd spent too much times as a puppet to know how to escape his strings.

"Thanks. I really...that means a lot." He tried to smile, pulling his hands away from his face. Tried to put up a normal face, even if it fell hopelessly short of reality. "Course, we didn't come here to talk about my issues. How many times are you going to knock me down today, Sam?"

Well, if nothing else, the practice would give Tom something else to think about.

He pushed himself to his feet, offering his hand to Tom. "Oh, I don't know. You're getting better. It's harder to knock you over."

Not much harder. But that would come in time.

He took the hand, letting himself get pulled to his feet. "Harder, but if it came to a fight, I still think a paraplegic would have a pretty good chance of kicking my ass."

It was something to think about, something to lose himself to. He had to focus on Sam, not on the future. Just the moment.

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Somehow I always end up going nowhere [Closed]

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