trans_9 | Crack your skull open [Closed]

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Crack your skull open [Closed]

Picking a place to do evaluations wasn't easy, but after some searching, he eventually found a nice spot. It was... some alien building in the city. He didn't know much about the culture, but he had to marvel at the architecture. Not only was it aesthetically pleasing, the furniture was comfortable, and the walls were virtually soundproof. It helped to provide a nice relaxing and secure atmosphere he needed to get people talking.

And speaking of, he sat back, waiting for his first few appointments of the day to arrive.

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Billy had to think about that. He'd been better about making time before, but lately work had become an addiction. A reprieve from daunting thoughts and bad feelings.

"...not lately," he confessed. "I'm just not sure how much time away from work is acceptable."

"Then... I'd like you to do an experiment," he stated, trying to appeal to Billy's more logical nature. "Start by scheduling yourself an hour of free time every day. Don't let any of your friends decide when its going to be. You look at your schedule, and you decide what time works best for you.

"During that hour, you do whatever you want to do, whether it's by yourself or with your friends. Then, after a few days, I want you to add ten minutes to that hour, and every few days, you add another ten minutes. Eventually, you'll get to a point where you've taken too much time for yourself, but that's okay. Considering how hard you work, I'm sure no one will begrudge you that.

"But you do need to get to a point where you can balance getting your work done, keeping up with your training, and having some time to relax and enjoy yourself."

And sleeping, Doc Samson, and sleeping. He's not a stranger to cutting out some sleep time to accommodate more work and will abuse that loophole if he's allowed to.

Billy bit his lip and noted the order on the small pad he carried. He'd lose the work hours, less than half of it would come from sleep cuts, but he wouldn't like it.

"Yes sir," he answered quietly. "Am I to tell the others what I'm doing?" He's worried that the others will interpret the uncharacteristic relaxing as him cracking under pressure, of course.

Well, if 'Billy time' = 'Nap time', that's also fine. Naps are relaxing and helpful for the soul.

"That's up to you, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. No one can work every waking hour day in and day out. And you both old enough and mature enough that you needn't make your friends responsible for ensuring that you have some downtime."

"I'll have to tell the deputy department heads about the hours change," Billy muttered, acknowledging that he'd given them that designation for the first time. "I don't want to overwork them either."

Well, he supposed this wasn't too awful so far. No use worrying about the brooding that's likely to result from break time yet. Just focus on answering the next question.

"Since we're here, is there anything in particular that you want to talk about?"

The easy answer would be 'no, thank you doctor, goodbye'. Billy knew, of course, that it wouldn't be that easy. He wasn't unaware that he had problems, thus the guilt would be readily apparent.

"I feel myself becoming more withdrawn by the day. My appetite for work isn't entirely driven by duty and a need to prove myself. It's easier for me than the self reflection and the socializing I'll likely do on my breaks, because..."

This was the hardest thing to say. His face fell. "My home world didn't prepare me for dealing with loss very well."

Ah, so there it is.

"And you believe that if you keep working you'll stop caring as much, and if you stop caring, it won't hurt as much when someone leaves. Correct?"

"Yes." His voice was quiet, almost a whisper. Right for the jugular, Doc, good job!

Billy wrapped his arms around his stomach, trying to shut out a chill that wasn't there. "But I'm already too deeply invested. I already love them like family, and I don't want to let that go. I'm more concerned about new friendships and the existing losses."

"Loss is one of those unfortunate things that's naturally a part of life. And the grieving process can take a different amount of time for each person, but it is a process, one that you need to go to from beginning to end."

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance...

"Part of that process is allowing yourself to feel hurt and upset and sad that you've lost someone that you cared about. Then you have to let yourself heal, which means letting go of that anger and sadness. Not ignoring it, but... feeling it, and letting those feelings run their course. Then accepting that your friends are gone now, but you're still here, and life goes on.

"It doesn't make you a bad person, and it certainly doesn't mean that you don't care, by continuing to live on with your life. Quite the opposite, in fact. Just think about it for a moment, how many of the friends that you've lost would not want you to go around making new friends? How many of them would want you to be a lonely, miserable workaholic?"

Billy felt a lump in his throat. Doc was right and Billy knew it. Same rules applied to him as anyone else, and grieving once then stuffing it down as he'd been doing wasn't the best of ideas. The discomfort of it all opened the gate.

His voice started off dispassionate. "I've been crying once and then considering the case closed. Avoiding the places we used to visit together, smiling, living vicariously through happier crew members. Meeting their loved ones and being happy for them."

Accepting that they're gone, but you're still here... Reality. Looking ahead at a long time of going on without them. His voice took on a higher pitch. "Of course they don't want me to be lonely. One of them would claw me if he heard the suggestion. But loneliness might be unavoidable if the departures keep this pace up."

That terrified him more than anything.

"But for all the departures, there are new arrivals. And there are a lot of new people who are waiting to meet and get to know an amazing young man like you, but they can't if you don't let them."

He said the same thing to everyone, didn't he? Billy still managed to look up, taking a breath.

"My friends here stepped in after I lost my original friends. It's easier to bear the pain with their help, I suppose. I just---"

A pause as he rubbed at his temple. "It's taking me a long time to adjust to the cycle's pace."

"It'll happen. You'll... I don't want to say you'll get used to it, but you'll learn how to adjust, get through it, and better handle it."

And Billy could accept that, would look forward to that. It had to be better than this fear and uncertainty now demanding that he address it.

"So I have quite the path ahead of me, doctor. Thank you. But I have one more question: my employment status?"

He actually seemed a little amused by that question.

"That was never up to me to decide, and I see no reason to recommend that you be relieved of your duties."

Relief broke over him.

"As long as I learn to relax, right?"

"Right.

"Is there anything else?"

"Not unless you have other concerns at the moment, doctor?"

He hoped that answer was acceptable.

No, that answer was COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

....eh, he'll let it slide this time.

"Not at all. So it looks like we're done here. You have yourself a good day, Billy."

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