Rude Awakening [closed]

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

The good thing was that the breathing tube was gone. He didn't need it anymore. He was hooked up to a myriad of tubes and devices, but at least that was one less.

Hiccup still hadn't woken up, however. His eyes had opened and closed a few times, but other than those fleeting moment of half consciousness, he hadn't woken up.

Now the doses of the painkillers had been lessened and he was stirring more.

It was sudden, and alarming, when it happened. His eyes flitted open, and he sat up, screaming in a hoarse voice.

"Aaaugh aaaugh! What--where--get it off get it off!"

He tugged blindly at all the strange tubes and things clinging to him, and patted frantically at his stomach, as if expecting something else to pop out of it.

Hiccup didn't want things touching him, there were things attached--he didn't want anything attached.

"Where'd it go?! Where'd it go?!"

The last thing he remembered was, well, dying, as far as he knew.

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[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

"His name is Zuko. He knows how to fight--you should see him fight--it's this stuff with no weapons that he could probably use to take down someone with weapons, he's so good at it. And his friend Sokka is going to teach me sword-fighting, but with a type of sword that's light enough for me."

Hiccup explained, "Zuko makes me do things like--like hold up rocks and balance on poles and it's all supposed to make me stronger. And I've been doing other things--reading, lots of reading, learning about things, and there's programs to learn to fly ships in the Sensoriums, I've been using those..."

Worried he said, "I can still do those things. You tried to make me do things I couldn't do, but I can still do them, I know I can."

He wasn't giving up on him, was he? Hiccup misinterpreted Stoick's meaning yet again. "You're not forcing me to be something I'm not..."

Pleeease give him the chance, please don't decide he can never get there. He thought his dad was just...accepting his weakness and resigning himself to the shame he felt over his weak son.

Hiccup's delivery got progressively more manic, words tumbling out of his mouth in a rush. "I know what it's like. It's like you went to buy a cow and all the good ones were sold and all that was left was the scrawniest, mangiest runt left--and I'm the scrawny cow, dad, but it's not going to stay that way forever. I mean, I've been trying my whole life now, to be what you wanted. Everything I did, when I didn't listen and tried to find ways to be useful and it blew up in my face, I was trying to--to do something useful. To kill a dragon, to do something, and I did that something and you don't remember, so I just have to find something else, and I'm going to."

There were tears in his eyes now. "So don't just...say I can't. You don't have to lie to make me feel better. You don't have to lie about thinking I'm a failure. I'm surprised you even would--you never lie, but I guess 'cause I got hurt..."

He thought his dad was just trying to make him feel better.

His voice is desperate. "I can--I can stop being the scrawny cow. I just need more time. It's even harder to be good at things here than back home, but I can be--I can be what you wanted. In a son. You don't have to just...resign yourself to my sucking, okay?"

Hiccup patted his dad reassuringly on the arm.

Oh, this went deep, so deep that now that they were talking about it, Hiccup was rambling like an idiot. And now Hiccup had finally said WHY he'd done everything he done, never listened, gotten into so much trouble. It wasn't just blind disobedience. Curiosity and his poking, prodding inquisitive nature was a part of it, but most of all, he'd been trying to curry for his father's favor. Trying to do something noteworthy, trying to make him proud.

And he was so deep into it, now that Stoick was saying it was okay, that he didn't think his son was a failure, Hiccup didn't even believe him.

[stoickthevast.livejournal.com]

Oh where to even begin. First things first, his son was injured and protective father was protective.

"No training until that," he indicated Hiccup's chest, "is healed completely." And he meant it.

But Hiccup was a son of many, many surprises, and the longer he went on, the more horrified Stoick's expression became.

"HICCUP!" He couldn't take it anymore, and unfortunately the only way he knew how to get his son's attention, was by raising his voice. But he was so thrown by the cow metaphor that he just stared at his son. "What are you talking about?"

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

Hiccup flinched at the yelling and went quiet. Then when his father asked his question, Hiccup shook his head, confused.

"I'm not--I'm not deaf, you know. You said I was the worst Viking Berk has ever seen. You said you almost gave up on me. You say the same things as everyone else. I know what you think of me. I hear the things you say, dad."

Staring at his feet under the blankets, he went on slowly, "You're from before I saved the village. That was when you were finally proud of me, it was when I finally managed to prove myself to you. It made everything okay."

Looking back up at him, he said, "I just--I have to figure out how to do something like that again. But I can. Well, I can't exactly save the village again, but I can find something, something I can do..."

Something that would make Stoick proud of him.

"Ever since you got here, I've been trying to figure out something, to--to make things okay again. Because I'd finally done it. You finally weren't ashamed of me anymore, and I just--I just want that back again, you know?"

[stoickthevast.livejournal.com]

Stoick was silent for a moment, absorbing what his son was telling him. Shame settled on his shoulders as he realized that he'd essentially ostracized Hiccup from the clan instead of making him stronger. His speech at the dragon-slaying event had said as much. So much for parenting.

"Oy, Hiccup," his voice was much softer this time. "You never needed to earn my approval." If his voice was muffled, it was only because he'd brought his hand up to his face.

"I only wanted you to find something you were good at that would keep you alive on Berk." Those boring fishing trips they'd gone on occasionally? They'd been about learning self-control as well as how to catch food. Same with the dragon training, aiding in protection. And as for the shame, it was his own fault for trying to make Hiccup into something he never was. He could sort of see that now.

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

Now he was getting...was it angry? Yes. Yes, there was anger there. All that struggle, all that toiling away trying to earn his approval, all those things he'd said... Anger was starting to slip through, anger that he'd never let slip through.

"'I can finally show my face in public again'? You said--"

His anger and upset were obvious by the bleeping of his rising heart rate on the monitors.

"You kept saying things like that and--what, you didn't mean them? Either you did or you didn't! If you weren't ashamed of me, if I didn't have to get your approval, you wouldn't have said those things! You wouldn't have made jokes! 'Cause that means you only said them...what, to look better in front of the tribe? Or did you think that would make me stronger, making me feel like you didn't want me?"

This was the first time he'd ever let himself even get angry at his father, and now that he was allowing it to happen, it was like more and more anger was just flowing out.

The dragon let out a worried whine and nuzzled the boy again, then sat there patiently as Hiccup pet him on the head.

Something was gnawing at his stomach and it wasn't an alien parasite this time. It hurt. There was an ache in his chest that added to the physical pain already there and took his breath away.

"I'm grateful for all you've done for me. You raised me alone and put a roof over my head and food on the table and tried to teach me what was right and wrong and how to be brave..."

Hiccup looked up at him, and tears started to slowly plop down his face. He didn't bother to wipe them away this time.

"But you said you almost gave up on me once," he said, voice cracking. "And the thing is: since you don't remember I saved the village, I keep waiting for that. Because I know...I know that you would."

And he was so confused and mixed up in his head when it came to his father, that if that happened, he wouldn't know whether it'd be because he failed or because his father did.

Hiccup sat there, frozen, hand on his dragon's nose, and even though his eyes were shut tight, he couldn't stop the tears squeezing out and rolling down his face. He hated his own weakness for the crying, but it was reasonable, given he'd just expressed years and years of hurt.

[stoickthevast.livejournal.com]

Stoick kept a firm grip on his own tongue, lest he lash back in anger as well. That the two of them were finally letting all these pent up feelings into the open was a good sign. That it was taxing Hiccup so much to do so, was not.

Stoick stood up from the bed, keeping a grip on his own anger. Not very characteristic for him, but concern for his son's health was more important.

He started to say something, but bit it back. No. Hiccup didn't need to hear what he had to say--at least, not this and not now.

Finally, he spoke. "I'm sorry. I know it probably doesn't mean much now, but...I'll try to do better. If you'll let me."

[i-saw-myself.livejournal.com]

Hiccup rubbed at his face, and now slightly dizzy, lay back against his pillows again. For a moment, he just held his hand there, over his eyes. His lips had gotten pale--he'd been talking too much for his lungs to keep up with.

He knew his father meant it.

"It's okay, dad."

He forgave him.

His hand fell away from his eyes.

"I'll try to do better, too. You said I don't have to win your approval, but I still--I still want to be the kind of man you can be proud of. Instead of--" He gestured to his face. "--you know, one that has to always get rescued and almost dies and--apparently--cries like an infant."

Even though now he was more confused about everything than ever, he still wanted to be a good son.