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trans_92010-09-08 05:13 am
astridhofferson.livejournal.com) wrote in trans_92010-09-08 05:13 am
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Little Brown Book [Closed]
What was she thinking.
Immediately after ushered off for her appointment for the mandatory full scan of everyone that came in contact with Hiccup and cleared of all possible dormant threats, Astrid spent the duration of the surgery trapping herself in her quarters lavatory. The girl found solace there away from the noise, the bustle of people working to mend the damage.
For her mind, it was a different case. She couldn't escape what had happened. It plagued her mind. Etched in her eyes. There was a good reason why she chose the lavatory. It was a wonder if her stomach would recover.
And she felt miserable for avoiding him like this. To have it break her down this much.
And suddenly, his suffering over weighed her anxiety and everything else. This alone fueled her limbs to move once more and make the effort to haul it to Medbay. There, she found a solemn Stoick in his company. Of course. The chief-- though he had the same thick-headed moments the Haddock name is known for--all the same he was truly a caring father. Astrid debated coming later.
Then that's when her eye noticed Hiccup's notebook abandoned on the floor, at the adjacent side of the curtain. By the looks of it, it fell free from his vest somehow.
...What the hell was she thinking. She asked herself for probably the tenth time. Seated on the edge of their bed, now back in their quarters... and staring at his private property in her hands she impulsively snatched up on her visit.
For the longest time, she mulled in silence, realizing the consequences. She thought she could feel the sweat trickle down the side her face. This... this was certainly something below her. Even for a Viking. It's uncalled for. And at a delicate time such as this...
Nevertheless, her curiosity won over and she gingerly flipped open to the first page...
Immediately after ushered off for her appointment for the mandatory full scan of everyone that came in contact with Hiccup and cleared of all possible dormant threats, Astrid spent the duration of the surgery trapping herself in her quarters lavatory. The girl found solace there away from the noise, the bustle of people working to mend the damage.
For her mind, it was a different case. She couldn't escape what had happened. It plagued her mind. Etched in her eyes. There was a good reason why she chose the lavatory. It was a wonder if her stomach would recover.
And she felt miserable for avoiding him like this. To have it break her down this much.
And suddenly, his suffering over weighed her anxiety and everything else. This alone fueled her limbs to move once more and make the effort to haul it to Medbay. There, she found a solemn Stoick in his company. Of course. The chief-- though he had the same thick-headed moments the Haddock name is known for--all the same he was truly a caring father. Astrid debated coming later.
Then that's when her eye noticed Hiccup's notebook abandoned on the floor, at the adjacent side of the curtain. By the looks of it, it fell free from his vest somehow.
...What the hell was she thinking. She asked herself for probably the tenth time. Seated on the edge of their bed, now back in their quarters... and staring at his private property in her hands she impulsively snatched up on her visit.
For the longest time, she mulled in silence, realizing the consequences. She thought she could feel the sweat trickle down the side her face. This... this was certainly something below her. Even for a Viking. It's uncalled for. And at a delicate time such as this...
Nevertheless, her curiosity won over and she gingerly flipped open to the first page...
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There was no color, but he had some skill at rendering what he saw with his eyes to paper.
There were people, too, especially those that looked stranger than others, Kang, Goliath, and others around the ship, like that green fellow with the things on his face, and some giant furry beast with arrows designs on its fur that lived in one of the Sensoriums, presumably the pet of another crew member.
Along with everything, there were notes and questions, along with little snippets of his observations and thoughts, effectively making the little book an eclectic journal of sorts.
Was this what she wanted? A piece of the boy she cared about, a piece to hold onto while it appeared he might slip away?
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Her eyebrows lifted.
She expected the footnotes, but... to have them written out in every detail? The drawings weren't super surprising. Back home, he had eagerly shoved the basic and intricate designs of Toothless' equipment on her when she mistakenly shown interest in his work. A sneak peek of his talents on paper, if you will.
...And look at Kang! Wow. Hiccup seemed to remember him right down to the tail! That boy was sure fond of the draconian. A light smile tugged at the corner of her lip.
Then her face fell a little when she noticed the pages lacked... well... her.
Ehhh... time to move on.
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I feel lost here. I really do. There’s supposedly a war to fight, but what can I do? Especially without Toothless? In the end, Toothless is the fighter, not me—I just help steer and make up for the damage I’m responsible for in the first place. When it comes down to it, to just me, hero back home or not, there isn’t much I have to offer.
Need to find ways suck less.
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Ah, thoughts from months ago.
Mr. Self-depreciating as always.
But since then, he has been slowly overcoming every week, hasn't he. She strictly believes his endeavors will pay off in the long run. He's... just that kind of boy.
She reads further.
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I have to become stronger. I’m tired of other people having to look out for me. I need to learn to be strong on my own. And I'm going to.
This was followed by a drawing of Zuko, with a note that said:
This guy is a sadist, but he's a good teacher, and I think he's becoming my friend. Very serious, but I admire him for it.
Geez, Astrid, there's more about other dudes in here than you.
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Hah! Hiccup bellyached about this guy a couple times. So she was right to trust him in Zuko's care. From what she gathered, the guy excelled in combat techniques and the warrior's way.
If... if he does somehow survive, Astrid made sure to keep a mental note to catch one of their training sessions one of these days.
....
Hey. He hardly knew this guy. So why is he in here when she--
Never mind. Page flip.
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It's all so confusing. Especially with people like Kang here, who are my friends and seem to just like me for me. Kang's almost fatherly, too, which--no I can't even go there. My father is Stoick the Vast, he's a good man.
Even if he doesn't remember I'm one, too, I have to remember that.
In other news, Toothless is here. I don't even know how to put into words how happy I am.
There was a drawing of a very happy-looking dragon.
So are Snotlout and Ruffnut. I have a feeling things are going to get...interesting.
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Aww, the Toothless drawing is so adorable.
But...
This page--well, the top part. She had a feeling it wasn't meant for her eyes. Now the guilt really began to tug at her.
Kang... do you know?...
Continuing on...
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All Dustin got was an angry stick figure.
Then there were drawings of his new friends on the ship, Kang again, Ed and Winry--oh ho, Astrid. There are a few drawings of Winry, and her automail workshop here.
But none of you so far. What's up with that?
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. . . .
---No. Dots is not enough to represent the burning jealously. Suddenly, wanting to drop his "precious moments" to the floor.
Why must he include her BODY? What, wasn't slapping her face on the page not good for him? ...Who knew the enjoyment he had carefully sketching this particular piece.
She imagined him. Concentrating. His tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth--
That closet lecherous %($&#@*...
Ahh, now she was bending the book. Better read on before she rips it.
FLIP.
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I wish none of us were here, but if we had to be, I’m so glad Astrid is here. She’ll eat those bug monsters for lunch. Except not, because actually eating bugs is gross and more like something Snotlout would do on a dare.
I feel like talking about my girlfriend today, so I’m declaring this to officially be an Astrid page, like many Astrid pages of yore. (I try not to think about how freaked out she'd be if she knew how many times I've blathered about her in my notebooks).
Astrid is so strong, and determined, and brave, that sometimes I feel stronger and more determined and braver just from being around her. I feel safe around her, not just physically safe (which I do feel), but safe to just be myself, even though I’m a pathetic dork.
And then there’s the part she only lets me see, where she’s secretly sweet and gentle. The other night, she rubbed my leg because it was sore, and she was so nice about it (I rubbed her shoulders in return), and this morning, when she was half-asleep, she gave me little kisses on my face when we first woke up.
She’s such a beautiful girl, in every way possible.
Now I’m going to draw a picture of her.
This picture was of her valiantly fighting bug-monsters, wielding her axe, all tough-looking...
And only half-clothed.
But all the proportions were right, he didn't draw some fake, idealized body--it was like her body, just...not wearing as much clothing as she normally wore.
She usually wears more clothes than that and would kill me if she saw this, but that’s why this is my private book, right? Right. Besides, I need somewhere to talk about the awkward stuff. And sleeping in the same bed as your girlfriend is awkward. Nice, but awkward.
There was more on the next page. Oh, was there more.
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Finally!Her heart thumped, lifting the book closer to her eyes, reading every line.
Girlfriend. He has been readily calling her that, she noticed. (Did he think she didn't see the slip on the coms?) Especially when they haven't sat down and discussed it.
H..He never asked me--
Oh! A picture of her?
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Let's see--
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She slaps the notebook shut. Done with it.
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...Okay, so that was a lie. She's back to reading and returns to the page, unable to stop from gawking.
S-She never wore that! And whatever that is is way too small even for her petite figure! Though it did manage to nicely punctuate the bit of cleavage she is gifted with...
Putting aside these issues, it remarkably resembled her perfectly. The poses and style were top notch, she has to admit. Gods only knew how much "research" was put in crafting her just right on page.
Now she definitely couldn't stop herself.
Blushing profusely, Astrid flipped the page.
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It is the best thing. Ever. In the whole world. At the same time, I feel bad for watching her, but I just like to watch Astrid doing Astrid things. I like watching her stretch, I like seeing her practice and fight, I like seeing her when she’s lying next to me, falling asleep, looking all peaceful.
There was another picture here, a sketch of Astrid under the blankets of their bed. It was a very simple drawing, just a few curvy lines here and there.
It’s like she’s beautiful no matter what she does. And that’s where it gets awkward, because she’s beautiful no matter what she does, and I have all these feelings I can’t put words to, and if I could, she’d maybe just think I was creepy, but it’s getting to where, when we spend the day apart on the ship, and I see her again at night, I want to run up and pull her into a kiss every time I see her.
That would freak her out, I think. This wanting-to-kiss-her-constantly thing. But I do.
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Astrid arched a brow.
Oh ho ho. One word for that: Busted.
It's alright, to be honest. He has to sleep, too. She's seen a number of his drooly, nappy faces. Oh yes she has.
Onward!
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I guess what I feel is lust or desire or something? I guess? I wish there was a better word for it, because that makes it sound like such a shallow thing, and that’s not what I feel. It’s not just her beauty or her body, it’s everything that makes me feel this way about her. Her strength, her secret kindness, her spiritedness (is that a word?).
I am crazy about my girlfriend, and she doesn't even call me her boyfriend back. I know that she’ll probably never really feel the same way about me, and someday maybe even stop feeling what she does right now, but even if she never really feels the same way, even if she stops feeling anything for me at all, I’m grateful for right now, for morning stretches, and sleepy kisses, and lazy afternoons in the Sensoriums laying in the grass together, talking about home or the ship or about nothing. (I even like silence with her. It’s comfortable). I'm grateful that I had this time, and I'll still be grateful for it
whenif it goes away.I’m lucky. That’s the part I never forget. How lucky I am that she cares about me. And I hope she understands how much I care about her. I don’t tell her nearly as much as I want to, because I’m afraid it would freak her out, but I really care about her so much that sometimes when I’m around her I’m so happy that it hurts to breathe. And I'm grateful for what she gave me in the past, too.
Here and there were daisies, circling around the page, leading to a drawing of himself and her as children, a daisy crown in her hair.
She was my first friend.
If my whole childhood had been like those years that she didn't talk to me, I don't know what I would've done. I don't think I'd be the same person. I think I'd be angrier and sadder.
Without her, growing up would've been even lonelier than it was.
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Droplets of something hitting the paper finally stir her, breaking the fixed stare in her silent contemplation. Now suddenly aware the papers were growing moderately damp in various spots for some rea--
She slowly blinked, touching her face. Oh. It was her.
She was so fixated on reading that moment she wasn't aware of how it was affecting her on a subconscious level. And now wet tears were leaking down her cheeks on to the open pages below.
Deciding that was enough, (and not to ruin the book further) Astrid eventually closes it, cleaning her face then brings the notebook against her chest, enclosing it within her arms.
It kindles something inside her as she ruminates over what she read.
She wanted him to live and be the same again. She wanted him to continue writing and fill up the empty spaces. And, sure. She even wanted him to draw what makes him happy. If she makes him happy, she's content with what ever he creates. ...Exaggerated or not. (And, maybe she is kind of evil and will probably be taken for a sadist, but she wants to tease and make him squirm about it, too. It's... a delight.)
...But due to the extreme circumstances. She's likely losing him and the pages will remain blank forever.
With her hope steadily falling again, she wavers a little and grips it. This time she takes care to shield the book from the recurring onslaught of droplets from her eyes.