Just a look

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

Loren had been on the meatship for a long time and there were still some places she hadn't been to. Take Engineering, for example. Which was why she was down here for a visit, just a look around really.

And if she happened to see anyone, well she was always up for making new friends. Provided they weren't Yeerks.

Comments

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

Elfangor, at the moment, was just leaving the mess hall after eating when he suddenly got a message.

< Yes, Aximili? What is it? >

He did not know the doom that was fast approaching him.

[mynameisax.livejournal.com]

< Loren is looking for you, and she is... > Ax paused and considered his words. < We were speaking just now and I told her the story about your return to the Andalite military. She seems very angry and depending on your method of dealing with such situations, you should either make yourself scarce or locate her with that in mind. >

He shuffled his hooves apologetically, although Elfangor probably couldn't hear that over the comms. < I didn't realize it was going to upset her that much. My apologies. >

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

Ax might notice that Elfangor is silent for several beats far too long for this to be anything, but an 'oh shit' moment.

< ...no, I imagine she isn't happy right now. > His thought speak is remarkably even. Probably a bit too much. < I will ask that you do not tell her anymore stories where I might have, ah, been acting for the 'greater good' in the future. >

[mynameisax.livejournal.com]

< I will refrain from doing so, > Ax said. < ...Good luck. >

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

< Thank you. I'm going to find her now. > In hopes she hadn't gotten any creative ideas with that bat of hers.

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

Elfangor's doom was close at hand. It didn't take very long for the pair to find each other. Fortunately for Elfangor, Loren hadn't brought out her bat. Yet.

"Of all the stupid, crazy things to do you had to RAM your SHIP the second you left Earth, didn't you!"

Not happy at all.

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

Elfangor had told the stories many times before. He could tell it quite well. Though it was all in the hopes to set a solid base for the image he portrayed. He didn't really talk about it unprompted after that base had formed mostly because he didn't want to think about what caused himm to act that way.

Of course, he could have told this version to Loren.

But he was already in enough trouble and he didn't want to lie by making it seem different from what it was.

< ...yes. I did. >

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

"How could you do that!" Loren threw up her hands and made a motion like she was shaking some invisible person. "How could you be so- so- stupid!" Because she couldn't think of any other word for it. In fact, she couldn't think much of anything while she had this image in her head of Elfangor trying to kill himself.

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

Elfangor didn't answer right away. What was he thinking?

< ....I wasn't. > Elfangor finally said, sounding weary. He always fluffed up this part, talking about duty and the greater good and how anyone can win if they're willing to take a risk. But that was the farthest from the truth.

< Or at least, nothing rationally. I had been taken from you, only to find out we were going to have a son when it was too late. I was shoved into my old life, told I had to do something and all I could think about was you and Tobias and how mad and sad I was. When I took in the battle and I just....I didn't care what I did, but I thought I might as well do something that would have an affect. Any other possibility was a huge gamble of not succeeding, but that option....it hadn't seemed a gamble with a high chance of success and I simply...didn't care whether or not I survived. >

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

Loren held her head in her hands and took several deep breaths. When she finally looked up her face was several shades closer to its normal color.

"I don't know what to say, Elfangor. I really don't." She was angry, but she was also tired, or maybe just sad. "But I wonder what other things you aren't telling me. Just how long did you feel that way?"

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

< I wasn't....as bad as that as time passed. I cared about my parents, my brother, my people, so I didn't default to that sort of mind set, > Elfangor said slowly. < But....I never really hesitated when it was the most likely chance to succeed. >

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

"You know, I'm not a soldier or anything but I think there's a difference between putting your life on the line knowing you could get killed at any moment and actively deciding to kill yourself, most likely chance to succeed or not."

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

< There is a difference, > Elfangor said. < And a difference between actively deciding to kill yourself and just not caring enough if you did die or not. If I was trying to kill myself for that person, I would have succeeded. Either way, I know my mentality was not a good one. >

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

"So what, it never went away? Even before you came here? If something happened to me here you wouldn't still feel like that, would you?" As much as she liked to think she was invincible and that she'd be O.K., she knew better.

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

Elfangor is silent, seriously pondering that. < ...perhaps, but I believe it would be different as well. There would be no thoughts of you being out there, but I could never go to you. It is easier to move past what is gone than what is there, but can never be sought. And there is Tobias and my brother here as well. However, I could not say for certain and I'd rather never be certain. >

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

"I don't want you to find out either." Loren walked forward and took Elfangor's hands in her own. "But if it does? You're not allowed to do anything dumb like that. I'll come back and haunt you... I can't believe you felt that way for so long."

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

Elfangor squeezed her hands gently, relaxing somewhat. < I'll try not to. I can't promise it, but I'll definitely try. >

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

"Don't think you're getting off the hook." Loren said firmly. "Because you're not. And you are going to promise." Or else she might get creative with her bat.

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

Oh, he fears the bat, but...

< I can't control how I feel, Loren. And I don't want to break a promise, even if it's for only a moment. >

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

"Oh, you can feel that way. I can't make you stop that. But you're not going to do anything about it."

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

< ...Tobias and Aximili will be here, > Elfangor said. < I won't do anything. >

Though if they went...

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

"And if they're not here?" Oh yes, Loren was following your line of reasoning. Following it all too well.

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

< ...should I know the cause for why they wouldn't...I couldn't promise I wouldn't do anything to take them down. >

Both as an Andalite's duty and because he probably couldn't take losing his whole family. Again.

[visserbasher.livejournal.com]

"Elfangor." He should recognize that tone. It wasn't a good one.

[escapednothlit.livejournal.com]

< In the Andalite tradition, should someone's family be killed, it is the next of kin's duty to avenge them. For my death, that duty fell onto Aximili. Should anyone ever take all of you away from me...both as my duty and for my own feelings, I could not do whatever it took to take them down. After that, however, should I still be alive, I might recover, > Elfangor said seriously. He wasn't going to lie to Loren. It was simply how things would go.