trans_9 | Mediation, Meditation, Inspiration for Itineration [Open]

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Mediation, Meditation, Inspiration for Itineration [Open]

Obi-Wan had done as he ought, he'd done what he could and then retired from the field. Too many hands for that pot, and not a one of them with as little sense. Still he was weary from his injury and his healing, and after a strange dream-addled sleep, what was needed most was perspective. The church was crowded, the city was an uncertain mess, and there was little enough peace to be had in the barracks— the Jedi had retired to the oft-praised sensoriums to look for a place of quiet. And he'd found in his choice of setting nothing less than what was unmistakably a Jedi Temple.

Oh, it wasn't the Temple, but the architectural style, the general layout were similar, all rounded, organics shapes an living stone. It resonated with him and so he found a cushion and a comfortable, bright lace where little but warm moist breezes and quiet birdsong reached him and began the quiet, measured breaths that were a prelude to the less combat-oriented meditation styles. Comforting quite, peacegiving pulse of the living Force in his very veins...if introspection were not so disquieting, they would have given greater balance. Obi-Wan sighed and began again. Anakin and Luke would know where to find him, when they were ready— and at least one of them deserved the lecture he'd be getting, and knew it.

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Luke smiled, padding the rest of the way over near-silently to drop into a meditative pose next to him. "Probably because we weren't in the same place in front of you before," he said simply. "From what I understand, Father kept it very secret."

And it had been his downfall. Luke thought of all the Jedi at home who now had spouses, families. It might not always be the best choice, but keeping secrets like that had only led to turmoil and bloodshed and the near eradication of the Order. Luke wouldn't let it happen again, despite that family disagreements within the Skywalker-Solo clan of Jedi tended to lead to interplanetary disputes.

"Leia--my twin sister--resembles our mother more," he said. "In appearance and the fact that she's twice the diplomat of anyone in the Galactic Alliance now."

"Mmmh," Obi-Wan agreed mildly, brow furrowed. What could he say or a woman he'd never met? Luke's voice was warm, speaking of her, and if she was anything like Padmé...

...well, maybe that wasn't fair. Recent revelations were proving that Obi-Wan knew much less than he ought about the good senator. That didn't negate their years of association, and he wouldn't let this poison those kind memories...it was a puzzle. Obi-Wan let it go. Unimportant dross that could do him no good and much harm.

"I always knew they were...attracted," Obi-Wan's voice was quite soft; intimate in their proximity and the emotion— the regret and worry in his voice, "I never thought it would go as far as it's obviously gone. I suppose I was simply hoping the problem would go away if I didn't say anything."

"When did my father ever let anything go?" Luke asked, looking over with a little grin. "We both inherited his stubbornness too, though we use it in somewhat more productive ways."

Luke turned his gaze back out over the little garden, letting the quiet stretch on. Obi-Wan was less troubled by this than Anakin had seemed to be, which felt backwards to him. Why should his own father feel unease, panic, and fear when Obi-Wan did not?

Things were sure different than they'd been when Vader had identified his children.

"One can only hope," Obi-Wan replied softly. He was not smiling, subdued and quiet. This was more like the weary, world-worn Ben Kenobi Luke had once known, sitting crosslegged beside with his arms folded over his chest in deep introspection. Somewhere, a bird chirped cheerfully, bright counterpoint to his own gray thoughts, "Is he still stubborn then, in his old age?"

Something in Luke closed up; they were right back to where they'd just been, but with a different flavor this time. Did he want to tell Obi-Wan the full truth and make things incredibly awkward among them, when their own skills at negotiation and conflict resolution (well, his father's skills at those were somewhat dubious but the idea was there) may be needed in concert?

"He never made it to old age," Luke said softly. "He died after a brutal battle."

A heavy sigh, the weight of the world settling on the thin shoulders of a very tired soldier. Obi-Wan's reply was toneless, "Ah. That makes sense, I suppose."

And it did. Anakin was always fighting something. Fighting a battle, fighting society, fighting— well, everything and everyone. That he should die in battle came as no great surprise. It was a shame, for Obi-Wan loved him, and would have liked to entertain for a little longer the pleasant lie of a happy Anakin, nicknaming his grandchildren 'snips,' and imparting Obi-Wan's lessons in his twilight years.

He knew without asking that Obi-Wan himself died alone. That seemed to be his fate, after all; to be alone. Perhaps it was best this way, the Force only knew how.

"If you don't mind, Master Luke, I would very dearly enjoy letting the rest of the future to come as a surprise."

A kind of relief settled over him. "I think that's for the best, Ben," he replied. "I'm sorry this is how you found out about Father."

Biting his lip, Luke resisted reaching out to try and push away the sadness he felt coming over his old Master, but at last he couldn't--too much of the self-sacrificing farmboy still in him, Mara probably would have said--and reached out to that sadness, placing a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder and sending him reassurance, and the respect he'd had for him on that fatefully short trip from Tatooine to what was left of Alderaan.

"If it's not too much trouble," he said softly, a little bit of twinkle coming back to eyes as blue as the sky, "I really would like you to just call me Luke."

"Luke it is, then," Obi-Wan managed a small smile, and sighed thoughtfully at his fellow master, feeling the comfort flow between them. Still brothers, perhaps, his comrades in the Jedi. Maybe it was time for him to take a new student. The silence petered out comfortably for a moment. And when Ben spoke next, it was with more humor and life in his voice.

"Luke, tell me," Obi was was curious, "Who was your master?"

Luke smiled. "I thought you didn't want to know more about the future," he said, but a bit of pride rippled out from him in the Force. "You taught me, you and Master Yoda."

His attention caught on a particularly vibrant flower nearby. With that, a flood of memories of the Rebellion had come back, thoughts of how different he was now than he had been then. Mara would insist that the farmboy was still there, the man who wanted to save the galaxy single-handedly, but Luke knew he'd just grown up as a Jedi and as a man. Even so, he had found himself still teaching the newest Jedi things that Obi-Wan and Yoda had taught him, forty years ago.

"It's served me well, what I learned from you," Luke said sincerely.

"Me?" Obi-Wan blinked, then chuckled. It grew into a full-throated laugh, head back and shoulder shaking. He couldn't have said whether he was laughing at the absurdity of it all, or simply at the coincidence, but whichever it was, it brought joy. When he managed to calm himself, Ben shook his head ruefully, "Well. I do think I'm going to enjoy that!"

"I sure hope you do," Luke said, that mysterious Jedi smile back on his face after he'd finished laughing himself. The Obi-Wan he'd known was old and sad, embittered by years of exile and Anakin's betrayal of his friendship, and to see the man before the tragedy, well, it made Luke happy too.

"At least I was less hard-headed than my father. I think."

"I have known droids that weren't as hard-headed as Anakin," Obi-Wan groused, but it was a good-natured dig, "Come to think of it, maybe it's time I took another student. I almost did, you know, about a year ago, a young Togruta named Asohka Tano. Actually, she ended up as Anakin's padawan."

Luke chewed on this information for a moment. "I wonder what kind of teacher he was," the Jedi said at last. "If he was a good or a bad one, if she learned a lot from him." Luke's expression turned distant for a moment. "I wonder sometimes if I'm doing a good enough job with my own students."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. You can't be too badly off, if I trained you," Obi-Wan teased gently, patting Luke's shoulder, "As for Anakin, he's had his bumps along the way, but really, he's a good Jedi, at heart. The Chosen One, my master, Qui-Gon called him."

"His thoughts are so dark," Luke said. "I feel that his recent mood is my fault. I should have told him outright when he arrived." It might not have been easy, but it would have been right."

Obi-Wan watched Luke's expression thoughtfully, and had to shake his head and sigh.

"Listen to me," He said, turning more fully, to face Luke in earnest, "My Master, Qui-Gon Jin, always taught me that to worry overmuch about the past is folly. It's done and gone, what can you do about it, now? Focus on today, and be mindful of the future, but do not let it rule you."

He thought about that a moment, turning it over in his mind as he'd seen his own students do with their lessons. Perhaps he'd been doing too much of that lately--with Anakin and Obi-Wan here, Luke had been thinking often on the past, on those first few days when he'd realized his birthright was to be a Jedi without actually knowing what it was he'd be committing himself to. So, too, had he been thinking of Mara often. Perhaps all this reminiscing was why things were so awkward between himself and his father, and himself and Arha.

"You're right," Luke said softly, a little smile taking over for the contemplative expression. "I may honor the past but I cannot be hidebound or mourn too long for those who have become one with the Force. That way leads to stagnation, which doesn't help anybody."

"Just so," Obi-Wan smiled, and if it had been a particularly clever martial-arts maneuver Luke had mastered he might have said 'good work, Luke,' before remembering that the other Jedi was as much a master as he was. Still the sentiment was in his eyes and expression as he nodded, "I've seen more Jedi fall into despair over worrying about the past or the future than anything else. Just do the best you can each day, one at a time."

"I will, Master--Ben," Luke corrected himself, a sheepish grin on his face. It still felt a little funny to not show this man what he felt to be the proper level of respect. "It's easier said than done, though. Sometimes events happen that cause you to worry about the future just as much as the present."

Thoughts of the Yuuzhan Vong invasion crossed Luke's mind, and all the joys and sorrows of that long and bloody war. Then, he'd been worried that the Jedi might not survive the war at all, and the Order he'd worked so hard to rebuild would once more fall under the might of an oppressor. But even then, he and the rest of the Jedi had taken things one battle at a time, one mission at a time, one day at a time. They had been a pivot upon which the war had turned.

"More out of a desire to preserve the good and justice in the world than anything else," he clarified.

"Just...don't let it crush you," the smile faltered and faded. Of course, Obi-Wan's thoughts turned back to his most recent padawan. He sat quietly in thought, and when he spoke again it was on a slightly different topic "I can't bring him out of it, you know. He has to climb that mountain alone. All the words I could give would only make a landslide to impede him. It's Anakin who must be strong enough to overcome this. We all struggle with the Dark Side, Luke. It's never easy, is it?"

He thought of the many times his own path had been shrouded in darkness, from the months spent serving a clone of the Emperor to when he had flown recklessly after Lumiya, slaughtering her with vengeance in his heart, and putting himself at the juncture that could have led him to seat himself on Caedus' throne as a Dark Lord of the Sith.

"It never is," he said softly. "And Father must find his own way out of his darkness. Of course, when we tell him this he tells us we're not helping any." He touched the petals of a flower he'd been looking at for a long time, then let his hand fall. "The choice is his alone. It's not one we can make for him."

"For some the temptation is deep, and for others it seems relatively light," Obi-Wan mused. The Skywalker line seemed fraught with troubles, but they survived them all, so far. Perhaps he should take his own advice and worry less about the outcomes of things.

"I never told anyone this before, but if it helps..." Obi-Wan hasitated, then shook his head. No. Tonight was a night for telling truths and revealing secrets, "I was once quite close to turning to the Dark Side, myself."

Luke looked round in surprise. Obi-Wan, having a brush with the Dark Side? It didn't seem possible to him; the man had always exemplified the Jedi to him, even if he'd taken liberties with the truth of Luke's father. Blue eyes widening a little, it took a moment before Luke could really answer.

"Why?" he asked, then immediately felt flustered. "I mean, what brought you to that point? I never thought..."

Obi-Wan nearly laughed, Luke's head had spun so quickly. Was it really that surprising? The smile faded to something a little less pleased after a moment, now more nostalgic than anything else.

"It started when I was still just a padawan," Obi-Wan recounted, as if to himself, "There was the most beautiful woman training alongside me, for my Master and hers were both assigned to the same mission, so we all worked together. I'd known her since the temple and I was— I was very young. Not surprisingly...we fell in love."

That was a bitter-sweet taste in his mouth, the memory of that realization, and that nothing could ever come of it. They were both too promising, too dedicated...to leave the order, permanently? Never. It was lonely, after that. Obi-Wan shook himself, "We agreed that our duties were more important than our personal feelings, and so when the time came for us to take up posts on what seemed like opposite ends of the Galaxy, we went without complaint."

He blinked at the regret in his voice and sighed, turning to gauge Luke's reaction to all this. It wasn't easy to find out that your master had been young once, and foolish, no doubt.

Edited 2009-09-18 04:37 (UTC)

Somehow it still surprised him, the idea of Obi-Wan being attached to anyone in such a manner. Perhaps it was the master and student relationship they'd had, and the way he'd always thought of Obi-Wan as an eccentric hermit who was old before time began when he was growing up, but Luke almost couldn't wrap his mind around it.

There wasn't any lie or subterfuge in the way Obi-Wan spoke, though. He'd been genuinely fond of this woman, and the pain that radiated out from him brought a pang to Luke's heart. "What was her name?" he asked, tilting his head.

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